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I am posting here specifically because I hope to help those who see the writing on the wall but are still making excuses, bargaining, in denial, or those who want an intact family at the cost of almost anything. Yes, YOU!

Where am I now? Finally, finally divorce!

Although it is over a year, the scars take time to heal. Different memories bring what was once hurt and now anger back to the surface. Don't get me wrong, I am not a woman who lives or dwells in the past. However, what I experienced WAS trauma. I was a bruise-less abused woman, domineered by my husband. While he did not punch me physically, he undermined me, as well as my self-confidence. Today I was reminded of one of the many early signs.

He found a bucket list I had made. I made no effort to hide it. Why should I? I still have that list. When "he" found it, he asked me, "oh yeah, and how are you going to accomplish this? SO because the written word has no emotion, tone and attitude, no it wasn't okay how are you go to get from where you are now to where you want to be? It was a snicker. A belittlement.

There were many moments that I slowly woke up from drinking the proverbial "Kool-Aid". This was one of them.

How could someone who supposedly loves me mock my hopes and dreams?

Ladies, THAT is not love. That is insecurity, weakness, ineptitude, etc. It is many things but it is for sure NOT love. So don't waste your time. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't seek to injure, belittle or maim.

Shortly thereafter (maybe before I don't remember) I was diagnosed with invasive cancer. Soon after that battle, I accomplished many things on my list, not all, but some MAJOR ones. I finished my degree. I became a teacher. I quit my nail biting. I took my child to Disney. I feel financially confident and no, this has nothing to do with him and more to do with the fact that I believe in my strengths.

Eventually I left him. I gave him many chances in between, too many while I worked on myself. I worked on my "exit plan", as someone called it. I worked very hard. I cried while I was working towards my exit plan. And all the while, I exhausted every possibility that my marriage could be saved, that he could change as he SWORE to me. 

I am happy for the most part. I still have a lot of anger that is buried down deep and resurfaces from time to time. But I survived and I know he knows that he had no idea who I was, what I was made of and what I was capable of accomplishing. More importantly, I know and our daughter knows!

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2 comments

  • Comment Link terrikins Sunday, 04 December 2016 01:33 posted by terrikins

    Sounds like you are writing this for me. I do want my family intact. . .we have three teenagers, and our son is special needs. But now that I see who he really is. . .my separated-but-under-the-same-roof-husband. . .after fighting and fighting to make him see what I was talking about, to make him CARE about things that were and are important to me. . .it's just a long, drawn-out process. We have two still at home and our older daughter is in her second year at college.

    It's just so cold and empty here. He doesn't notice much difference, as long as I do my part of the work. He seemed as happy with his online sex and fantasy life as he ever seemed with me. More happy, I guess, since it really was all about him. Gave him a real boost. . .My needs are obviously tiresome to him. He can take care of a person physically (and that just barely, since he prefers not to work much) but words and emotions exist for one reason only for him: to make him feel good, and often at my expense.

    My friends saw him as manipulative from the beginning, and manipulative became controlling, and when things didn't go his way. . .it got uglier and uglier.

    He did a narcissistic smear campaign online. Lined up most of our old mutual acquaintances against me. Had our children lined up against me at one point, but that didn't last. He took a perverse pleasure in pointing out my lack of patience or my complaining during the hardest years of our lives (elderly, sick parents and three kids with developmental delay and asthma thrown in). Rather than thinking how to make it better, he got busy painting himself as the victim and me as an abuser.

    Apparently, turning the tables is one of the oldest tricks in the book. He played on my every insecurity and seems perplexed that--a year later!--I'm even more angry than I was when I first found out about his online whore (also married with young children), their sick S&M sex, his bevy of young women on facebook (he was spending down the money at the gym so he could take dimly lit selfies. . .not so he would be in shape to cut the grass or take over when our son with autism got aggressive).

    And yet here I am. More alone than alone on a Saturday night while he and our son watch football (at least he is doing that for his own son. . .better than some men). Our younger daughter is ready to graduate high school two years early after home schooling the last few years. She can't wait to get out of here.

    So the family. . .the intact family. . .only exists in my mind at this point, although we keep up the facade, as my younger daughter (rightly) calls it.

    I'm just dreading Christmas in this never-never land. A mere 5 months after I uncovered his double life, and keep in mind I'd been working myself into the ground while all this was going on. . .he expressed that "This Christmas will be the hardest, but next year it will be better!"

    No awareness that wasn't up to him! No awareness or concern for my feelings. . .he was just angry that I was still angry! I'm sad. . maybe depressed, but it won't get me down. I love my kids, and I'm ready to move on bit by bit. My "exit strategy" needs work, even two years after his first power play (two years ago he tried to throw me out of the house. . .hoping I would "wake up and see how good" I have it).

    He is so full of himself and I went along with it and believed so many lies. He actually told me once or twice that "any woman would be happy to have him!" He puts dinner on the table--likes to cook--and makes a bare bones living while I took care (and still take care) of three kids (even the one out of the house still relies on me for transportation), a house, both cars (both are old, too), a cat, yard work, laundry, cleaning, shopping, doctor, nurse, etc. Our kids were always sick. I also went to my dad every week with meals and groceries. There was no bus service and I did home schooling part of the time for our son for years.

    But I'm rambling. It's just that this is the perfect thing for me to see tonight. They don't change. He is an empty shell and nothing I did ever changed that.

    And even now--he blames me for the marriage being over because I'm angry that he mistreated me during the whole thing.

  • Comment Link Pstorm50 Tuesday, 29 November 2016 02:54 posted by Pstorm50

    Kudos to you!!! Funny, everyone always told me that I was so strong. But yet, when he did all the horrible things to me, that strength went right out the window and he took control. 3 years of mental and verbal abuse. Together for 30 years and that's how it ends. I did make excuses but then I finally found my strength again and realized that he was not the same person, was not going to change for the better, and that I was worth so much more. I don't need him or any man. I know my worth and I'm the one that matters. Anger rears its head quite a bit but I believe it's all part of the healing process. I know who he is now, but I also know who I am. There are no excuses to be made for narcissists. They don't change. They only get worse. And it will never work. They will end up alone. So sad for them