I am posting here specifically because I hope to help those who see the writing on the wall but are still making excuses, bargaining, in denial, or those who want an intact family at the cost of almost anything. Yes, YOU!
Where am I now? Finally, finally divorce!
Although it is over a year, the scars take time to heal. Different memories bring what was once hurt and now anger back to the surface. Don't get me wrong, I am not a woman who lives or dwells in the past. However, what I experienced WAS trauma. I was a bruise-less abused woman, domineered by my husband. While he did not punch me physically, he undermined me, as well as my self-confidence. Today I was reminded of one of the many early signs.
He found a bucket list I had made. I made no effort to hide it. Why should I? I still have that list. When "he" found it, he asked me, "oh yeah, and how are you going to accomplish this? SO because the written word has no emotion, tone and attitude, no it wasn't okay how are you go to get from where you are now to where you want to be? It was a snicker. A belittlement.
There were many moments that I slowly woke up from drinking the proverbial "Kool-Aid". This was one of them.
How could someone who supposedly loves me mock my hopes and dreams?
Ladies, THAT is not love. That is insecurity, weakness, ineptitude, etc. It is many things but it is for sure NOT love. So don't waste your time. Love doesn't hurt. Love doesn't seek to injure, belittle or maim.
Shortly thereafter (maybe before I don't remember) I was diagnosed with invasive cancer. Soon after that battle, I accomplished many things on my list, not all, but some MAJOR ones. I finished my degree. I became a teacher. I quit my nail biting. I took my child to Disney. I feel financially confident and no, this has nothing to do with him and more to do with the fact that I believe in my strengths.
Eventually I left him. I gave him many chances in between, too many while I worked on myself. I worked on my "exit plan", as someone called it. I worked very hard. I cried while I was working towards my exit plan. And all the while, I exhausted every possibility that my marriage could be saved, that he could change as he SWORE to me.
I am happy for the most part. I still have a lot of anger that is buried down deep and resurfaces from time to time. But I survived and I know he knows that he had no idea who I was, what I was made of and what I was capable of accomplishing. More importantly, I know and our daughter knows!