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I remember the immense pain when I lost my brother at a very young age, and my Father not shortly thereafter; and my mother a little later in life. It was all so Intense and horrific. One to an accident and two to long, long, ENDLESSLY long terminal illnesses.

Then came the divorceI wished more than anything that it could be a death because death is so RIGHT NOW. You face it, you deal with it, and they are no longer answering their phones. HE tried to ruin me. None of my family members had done that. He played with my emotions. None of my family members had done that. He took our friends aside and spread the nastiest of rumors that I did not hear because I was locked away in my room grieving.

Death would have been so much easier.

I could go outside and feel the sorrow of my friends as they came to spread a mantle of love over me. Instead I had odd looks and pointing fingers. Instead of pride and loss I felt humiliation and the theft of who I was. It would have been so much easier. I prayed for it to happen so I could emerge from this fog intact, untouched, and strong.

But when it all fell down I had no choice other than to stand tall and believe in myself. If I was the only one who KNEW what had really happened, that had to do. I could not rely on anyone but me so I was determined to do it with dignity. I held my head high, I met eyes; I carried myself with a false sense of self-worth. I had told my children a million times to 'fake it till you make it' and to visualize the rosy future, now I had to put those words into practice. I put him away in my mind. I refused to react to the barbs, the jabs, the rumors. I carried myself as though I was the Queen of the Universe and I started to believe in myself. It felt amazing.

My revenge is the sweetest in the world.

Death is too good for him. My revenge is living well, living independently, knowing that I have done it with integrity and a strength that I didn't know I had (and that he never imagined to be part of me.)

I am elatedly happy. He is nothing to me but an irritant when he tries some slick move with one of the kids, who see right through him. I gave him respect, I still do. I gave him the benefit of any doubt because that is what I would do with any stranger. I cut off all emotional ties to him because he is not good enough for my emotions. I no longer hate him because to hate him, I'd have to love him. He is the father of my children, but aside from being a sperm donor of excellence, he is a void. It is good.

Let it go. You don't have to prove anything to him, only to yourself. Now that you've achieved all of those wonderful things you need to stop, take deep breaths and look within. THAT is where you will find the key to moving on.

Find your peace.

(originally written by an FWW community member.)

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6 comments

  • Comment Link Penelope Wednesday, 31 May 2017 04:26 posted by Penelope

    My only "single mom" friend after my divorce was a widow. And it was so hard on me. People would always feel so sorry for her (and yet I never even saw her cry) while they would look at me like I was the bad one who should be ashamed. She never had to deal with the custody battle, money issues, disgrace. Not saying it was easy for her, but it was hard to be around her sometimes.

  • Comment Link msmithm2000 Monday, 26 September 2016 22:23 posted by msmithm2000

    this is right on. My stagnating divorce ended abruptly early this month with my separated husband. It was a shock, sad and a relief. That sounds strange but I dreaded the future times when after divorce I would see him if ever he reconnected with his family. I knew it was a pain and burning anger I wouldn't heal from.
    What has been healing is I can now move forward and find myself after decades and that, is a blessing to me.

  • Comment Link warriorwoman Thursday, 18 August 2016 18:18 posted by warriorwoman

    Thank you for sharing your experience. I too don't hate my STBX. All feeling for him has died quite a ling time ago already. I am just starting divorce proceedings & intend to free my 2 young children & myself from him & his equally toxic mother. I too believe that I can heal & restore my life to peace & joy.

  • Comment Link eagle1 Tuesday, 16 August 2016 15:35 posted by eagle1

    This goes through my mind often. His death, even now, would have stopped so much needless hurt, both financially and emotionally.

    The damage he has done and is still doing reverberates to all who he interacts with. I understand that we are all put on this world for a reason...not sure what the plan was when this evil man was placed on this earth.

    Yes it would be so much easier for all if I was a widow .

  • Comment Link mara Thursday, 04 August 2016 18:27 posted by mara

    Your words really strike me, that you don't hate your ex any longer because in order to hate him you have to love him. I need to remind myself of that once in a while. How it is for me these days, I'd like to hate him but it hurts so much to have that feeling around, so perhaps it's the brain mechanism, strangely now I feel sorry for him for making a bad choice for himself & realizing that he is an adult who can take his own risks.

  • Comment Link urterrific2 Monday, 01 August 2016 16:49 posted by urterrific2

    I too have contemplated this, though I am still wishing he had died! Why? Because then, although my grown children and I would come to realize his true disdain and disrespect he had towards all of us, we at least would be recognized and kept in touch with through concern and caring from those we had thought of and treated as family, many who are blood relation to my kids! For us it is just over a year when his life-long lies and deceit came to be known to my kids, to myself and to all his Birth Family, the mask fell away, or rather was totally shattered, as were our lives, yet after less than a month into the agony, things were decidedly different, we are "to get over it", "move on",, "get back to normal", whatever that means! "Normal" was what we pretended for my kids entire lives, my entire marriage of 29 years, how we presented our family to the entire world!!!
    IF he had died, yes, we would mourn, but as time progressed, we would each come to accept he never was who we thought him to be as we would recall things said, manipulations made by him, but we would at least have a bit of closure that others would comprehend and help us through, rather than being ignored, dismissed yet more and him still attempting to manipulate and play the victim, especially to my kids!!