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Every time, every day with every single blog I read that details the relentless pain and suffering so many of you women endure day-to-day living with your narc, without exception I ask myself this; How can I convince, encourage or motivate 'you' to realize that you have choices? There are two choices to consider to be exact.

First choice - Stay in a marriage that already takes 'enormous' strength just to survive, to (any or all of these with the kids) feed, clothe, carpool, bathe, do homework with, take to the dentist, the doctor, do the laundry, go to work, clean the house and do the shopping.

Or the second choice - Divert some of that enormous strength 'that is already within you' to making a plan to free yourself (and your children). There 'is' a lot to do, it does take time and perseverance, but it is doable and not as difficult as you probably think it is. Just like me, you don't have to be 'connected', have a college degree, have a place to move to right away and best of all you can get started with no money at all, and I mean NO money. You just have to commit.  If I didn't do it myself, I would never-in-a-million-years think it was possible and I sure as heck wouldn't sound like the broken record I do, but I did it and for some reason I just can't, at least not in good conscience, allow myself to sit back day after day after day without giving it my best shot at putting that bug in your head that just maybe makes you realize that there really is nothing stopping you. Yes, fear and exhaustion for sure, but it's already there and it will never go away so long as you stay stuck where you are with nowhere to go and nothing to look forward to.

Give yourself this one task that won't take your more than a few minutes. I'm going to say this yet again so please just humor me. Make a LIST. It has to be DETAILED, very SPECIFIC, REALISTIC and OMIT NOTHING! Do not think anything is trivial if it has to be done. Put it on your list. If you do it exactly this way, you will ready. My list included things like when I was going to make certain photocopies, when I would make follow-up phone calls (who I spoke with on the phone and the date I spoke with them), by what time of the day I knew was best to make the call, what items I could post on Craigslist to sell, plan when my husband would be out so that buyer could come to the house without incident, what bank and which location I would open an account at, what jewelry and/or valuables I could sell for cash and when I would go to sell it, and on and on and on.

Like I said, it's not difficult so long as you are committed and 'ORGANIZED'. Even though I couldn't possibly rent an apartment until I secured 'financial assistance', I still scoured the internet daily looking for what I wanted and in the general area I wanted so I didn't have to invest that time when I was ready and able to rent. I made sure there were amenities nearby, bus stops, laundry room, etc.  

As with absolutely every other person I encountered throughout my journey, a particular woman at the rental office of the apartment that I am now living in was so unbelievable helpful and compassionate. She went through hoops to hold my apartment until I was able to give her 1st and last months rent, which was almost two months from the date I would be moving in. I know I'm babbling, but I just need to let you know that when I say there are people out there who want to help you and that it is possible, I need you to know it's not just words I'm spewing out. So I hope you find a few minutes in your day to make 'your' list. Even if you stick it away somewhere, keep it. Keep it and look at it every day. Every day ask yourself what could you have already crossed off that list last week, two days ago, yesterday or today. I'm betting you will realize you could have made a nice little dent in that list if you just got started.

If I'm posting a blog, good chance is it's going to be something like this one; pushing you, inspiring youmotivating you. Please, make 'your' list and plan, plan, plan. If you've already heard more of me than you care to, go ahead and skip my blogs. I know (30 years) well enough what it's like to be afraid and not able to do what I knew I should have done. I know well enough what it was like hearing about women who got out of abusive marriages and thinking it's always someone else but it will never be me. I'm ashamed to say that I know full well what it's like not wanting to even hear some success stories because I felt such envy, yet such self-pity because I 'thought' I wasn't strong enough or confident enough or worthy enough to be as lucky as them. But lo and behold I learned I was.

Every single one of us on this site is here either to get support, help and/or advice. Those of us who found our freedom have a responsibility to give the best way we know how. This is what I know because it worked! I've got to get myself ready for work now. If you don't happen to have any plans for the day, here's one thing you can do. Make 'your' list. I hope you all have a positive day.

(originally posted by a member of our community - Join First Wives World today and know you're not alone)

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4 comments

  • Comment Link Roxie Thursday, 30 June 2016 13:17 posted by Roxie

    This is so on point. It may sound like a lot but you can do this very easily. The best hiding place is under the carpeting in the corner of a room.

  • Comment Link Lunar2015 Friday, 17 June 2016 16:34 posted by Lunar2015

    Very true article! What I recommend is to also do the following: 1) call a list of divorce attorneys and find out what documents you will need to stash away or copy before the divorce; this will include items like birth certificates, bank statements, etc. 2) open a PO Box and divert personal mail there. 3) open a safe deposit box at a small bank and store important divorce docs there, as well as photos, jewelry, etc. 4) start audio recording his verbal rants; use your smart phone; e-mail them to yourself weekly and remove them from your phone 5) document everything; I bought a calendar from the dollar store that has day/week/month tables; document when you do the primary caregiving tasks and what he does/doesn't do; the calendar makes it easy to follow 6) call a hotline and start free abuse counseling; or start seeing a counselor somewhere who can vouch for you later 7) Don't stay... divorces might "crush kids" as Barbara 2500 says, but abuse destroys everyone involved; kids and us will heal and thrive better when away from abuse 8) never tell the narc what you're up to. Never ever. Good luck!!

  • Comment Link Barbara2500 Tuesday, 14 June 2016 14:40 posted by Barbara2500

    ......Or keep a level head, don't rely on feelings, and stay in the marriage. Too many of us women call disagreements "abuse." Women are initiating 70% of divorces. Even the lesbians can't live with each other. Lesbian divorce rate is DOUBLE that of gay men.

    If the relationship was truly abusive, then you wouldn't be able to spend another MINUTE in the house. For your kids sake, don't "take your ball (and your kids), and leave home. Divorces crush kids.

  • Comment Link christiestwinboysonegirl Monday, 13 June 2016 17:14 posted by christiestwinboysonegirl

    AGAIN, I love this! You are very motivating and inspiring!!!