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This morning while out walking, seemingly out of nowhere, a memory hit me hard. I was riding a bike along the beach, and the sun was shining, the water was a beautiful calming blue, the sky had fluffy white clouds. It was a truly glorious day where everyone was greeting each other with smiles and sighs of complete joy, but I never noticed a thing. As I biked, I was lost in total and utter confusion.

I was locked in total confusion from my marriage

My husband had said to me recently, "You never listen to me." I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE MEANT. If he had said, "You listen TOO MUCH to what I say", I would have understood THAT. But I worked full-time in a job that required well-developed listening skills and I had been told all my life that I was a good communicator. So I didn't know what he meant. And to me, this image summed up my entire relationship with the STBX. Life was happening all around me, with lots of joy and good things happening, and of course bad things at times, but I never noticed a damn thing. I was locked in TOTAL CONFUSION the whole damn time.

He was always accusing me of things, blaming me, criticizing me and when I asked for examples so that I could change, yet he never had even ONE example to give me. I realize now that of course he didn't, because I never did any of what he accused me of. It was all about him. So I walked around in a state of confusion and anguish, always trying to change to be the person he wanted, which could change on a dime.

That biking example took place on our first camping trip. Oh boy, was I excited. He used to tell me all about his tales of his trips. But yep you guessed it, ALL LIES. My idea of camping was snuggling in sleeping bags, eating popcorn, talking about our hopes and dreams. His idea was smoking cigars all day and drinking all day. And when I asked him what his dreams were, he had had nothing to share. So, that was the end of that conversation. LOL. So dammit, I will allow myself to cry and mourn what I thought I had, but I resent it. LOL. Sad to say, from the moment he love-bombed me, I never gave myself another thought, but tried to be all he wanted me to be at that particular moment. Then, of course, after years of his constant illnesses took its horrid toll on me, too.

Now that he left me and I'm free!

And I hate to spend even a second on him. My seconds are spent on me; dying my hair a hideous red which makes me giggle, eating ice cream for breakfast, dressing like the hippie I really am, growing my hair long, staying up all night, going on lots of little day trips with my dog who is my partner in all of this, and living my life the way I WANT. And one day, I will get back on my bike and ride along the beach and this time I'll notice the sun and sky and water.

So hey, how about you? What picture would you paint?

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6 comments

  • Comment Link trudy0811@att.net Sunday, 29 May 2016 03:26 posted by trudy0811@att.net

    A pair of cowboy boots sitting next to an old small suitcase with a bible on top. Forty four years, two beautiful sons, two ex husbands and so much to say, I could write a book, later... I still have my bible. I may have to take an art class and paint that picture. I know it would me smile, simple things always did. Like the Alan Jackson song, "It's ok to be little bitty" Look at our children and grandchildren they love it. Maybe its a woman's thing, God didn't give men that beautiful gift of bringing a child into this big ol world. Hearts that need to beat, not to be broken.

  • Comment Link candi Tuesday, 19 April 2016 23:04 posted by candi

    Very uplifting, yet true to the word of divorce
    I'm new to this. Soon my papers will be served
    To me. It's a hurtful painful thing to go threw.
    With support like this link, we all will get threw it

  • Comment Link basil0707 Thursday, 14 April 2016 06:02 posted by basil0707

    I huge wet swamp filled with snakes, gators and all sorts of predatory creatures and poisonous plants. There is stuff hanging off the trees that sticks to you if you are not careful.

    You can't see anything under the surface of the water because of the algae so you have no idea of what is underneath water or how deep.

    Everytime you turn around, you never know what you will find, see or encounter a situation. When you are least expecting it, you sink into a hole and it's so hot, hot hot. You feel like you are suffocating and it's hard to breath sometimes.

    And when it's dark, it is so scary that you just pray it would hurry up and be daylight. The only refuge is in the trees which offer some safety.

    Then there is a storm like a Cat 5 hurricane which just blows water, trees and rain everywhere with their powerful winds and gusts. After it's done, there is wreckage everywhere. That's the divorce.

    Waiting for the sun to dry everything out and restore the peace.

  • Comment Link noWa Wednesday, 13 April 2016 05:09 posted by noWa

    Marriage between non active bicuirous femenist man non active lesbian Tom boy girl , sound odd but was fun ride

  • Comment Link HopefulinWA Wednesday, 13 April 2016 01:38 posted by HopefulinWA

    This was so on target for me, and my husband was not a narcissist. I spent most of my marriage in confusion trying to figure out why we couldn't be happy. He was gay. So, go figure... I couldn't be what he wanted, he deceived me for 24 years, and I tried and tried. How sad. But, like you - Miss Red Haired Vibrant Beauty - I am now free to live my life the way I want!

    Thank you for writing this. It really illuminated an important point for me about my past.

  • Comment Link PaMarks627 Tuesday, 12 April 2016 01:17 posted by PaMarks627

    I loved reading this post. Thank you! I don't fully know what picture I would paint. Right now I'm working on it