This morning while out walking, seemingly out of nowhere, a memory hit me hard. I was riding a bike along the beach, and the sun was shining, the water was a beautiful calming blue, the sky had fluffy white clouds. It was a truly glorious day where everyone was greeting each other with smiles and sighs of complete joy, but I never noticed a thing. As I biked, I was lost in total and utter confusion.
I was locked in total confusion from my marriage
My husband had said to me recently, "You never listen to me." I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE MEANT. If he had said, "You listen TOO MUCH to what I say", I would have understood THAT. But I worked full-time in a job that required well-developed listening skills and I had been told all my life that I was a good communicator. So I didn't know what he meant. And to me, this image summed up my entire relationship with the STBX. Life was happening all around me, with lots of joy and good things happening, and of course bad things at times, but I never noticed a damn thing. I was locked in TOTAL CONFUSION the whole damn time.
He was always accusing me of things, blaming me, criticizing me and when I asked for examples so that I could change, yet he never had even ONE example to give me. I realize now that of course he didn't, because I never did any of what he accused me of. It was all about him. So I walked around in a state of confusion and anguish, always trying to change to be the person he wanted, which could change on a dime.
That biking example took place on our first camping trip. Oh boy, was I excited. He used to tell me all about his tales of his trips. But yep you guessed it, ALL LIES. My idea of camping was snuggling in sleeping bags, eating popcorn, talking about our hopes and dreams. His idea was smoking cigars all day and drinking all day. And when I asked him what his dreams were, he had had nothing to share. So, that was the end of that conversation. LOL. So dammit, I will allow myself to cry and mourn what I thought I had, but I resent it. LOL. Sad to say, from the moment he love-bombed me, I never gave myself another thought, but tried to be all he wanted me to be at that particular moment. Then, of course, after years of his constant illnesses took its horrid toll on me, too.
Now that he left me and I'm free!
And I hate to spend even a second on him. My seconds are spent on me; dying my hair a hideous red which makes me giggle, eating ice cream for breakfast, dressing like the hippie I really am, growing my hair long, staying up all night, going on lots of little day trips with my dog who is my partner in all of this, and living my life the way I WANT. And one day, I will get back on my bike and ride along the beach and this time I'll notice the sun and sky and water.
So hey, how about you? What picture would you paint?