Looking back through some journals and reflecting through some feelings on betrayal, I found something I had nearly forgotten about. Did my forgetting about it make me insensitive? No, not necessarily but going back to it did remind me and give me more insight to how many of you feel right now.
Being betrayed is an awful feeling.
It's downright terrible. When the feeling sets in you want to do whatever you can to make it go away. It is as though you are drowning and it is his foot on your head pushing and holding you under the water. You do anything you can to get his attention, admit fault, take responsibility or just validate your feelings. You stoop to levels to get these reactions you did not know you were capable of and maybe even judged others for.
It is a feeling you don't know ever ends but you want it to go away faster than it came. It tears at you and makes you feel destroyed, worthless and scared. Where is the person to save you and make it better? Where is the white knight in shining armor that always saves the day??? Where is Prince Charming? He is taking a bite from Snow White's apple after making out with the Queen.
Betrayal is as though someone took off with your favorite toy and refuses to give it back.
It's like a sense of entrapment. You feel powerless. You feel senseless. You feel unloved. You question, how do you trust? How do you believe anything? How is the universe even real? It is. The universe is just as real as the feeling and you have about as much control over the universe as you do those feelings. "But, you said, before, to take control and be empowered and rise above and blah-blah-blah..."
Yeah, I said something like that, but here I am to clarify what that means. You might not be able to control your feelings; those nasty old things, specifically the negative ones, are going to creep up on you or jump out at you from a dark corner or walk up to you and put its arms around you like your best friends. There is no single escape. You can't make the feelings go away - but you can choose how to respond to them and how to react to them.
I know, just when I seemed to be relating I go and do something screwy and empowering like that. It is not easy to pick ourselves or brush ourselves off because we are still feeling, but we have to find a way to and in doing so it is not about him winning or losing, but you rising up and knowing you are worth it. This is why, in my previous blogs, I talk about finding those little things that make you happy to start with. The little things build up to the bigger things and keep you on the right track - something simple, easy and along the way to work or home or in between.
Learning from the journey of others.
It isn't easy. Few things involving emotions are easy and that is where strength comes into play. Don't know much about strength? You have a friend or loved one or a support group (you know, like here) where you can learn from the journey of others. You can read the words and being to feel the desire to pull yourself together and start taking care of you; after all, you come here for a reason - put it to good use! Vent to your heart's content and then find someone that makes it look easy and grab a hold of some shirttails! You can do it! You don't know it and you may not even believe it but you can do it!
(originally posted by a member of our community)