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A member recently posed the question, "why do so many spouses cheat and throw everything away?" She writes, "I look around my life and I wonder what was missing for him, because we had it all: the white picket fence, the kids, the dog, jobs, the nice house, two cars, plenty of disposable income. What was missing that made him do what he did?  Was there really something missing or was it a sickness, an addiction that he couldn't control?"

The community responded with a plethora of insightful and inspirational opinions, which we'd thought we'd share with the community at large:

  • I too have wracked my brain trying to understand the how’s and whys and realize that I never will. For that I am now grateful as that would mean I was weak, selfish, self-centered, egotistical etc. It would mean that I was capable of ripping through loved ones hearts and lives leaving more devastation in my wake than a major hurricane. Almost 3 years later I am stronger than I ever believed I could be.  I am living alone for the first time in my entire life.  Yes, I get lonely sometimes, it still hurts sometimes, and sometimes I am afraid I will never find love again. During those times I connect with my loved ones and feel sorry for my ex as he gave up more than he could ever hope to gain, the deep love and faithfulness of his children, grandchildren and my extended family. I was beyond devastated when he left, and the pain was so intense I did not think I could bear it.  But baby take a look at me now. If I could move "through" that pain and that is what we all have to do to heal, then I have complete faith that all of you can too!  And you will come out on the other side of pain stronger, wiser and feeling better about yourself than you ever believed was possible.  Bless you all!
  • I feel as if you were writing about my life and my thoughts. The one thing we need to ALWAYS remember is that their selfishness and narcissism has nothing to do with us!!!!! We ARE the strong ones, the survivors, the ones who stuck by our commitments and promises and in the end our children will see that too and have much more respect for us than them. In the mean time, stay strong and try to be happy.
  • After reading all the comments, I am so moved, that I feel such a burden lifted that I just had to comment again. Thank you all for surviving and being my unseen strength, I am in my early 60's and when he said his infamous statement" I'm done being married to you" I see now I wish I had been able to utter, " Well it's about time, how soon will you be getting out of my life??" but hindsight is 20/20. All of you are wonderful and being true to integrity and character becoming of a lady is empowering. I am just so refreshed today and I am ready for what Flamingo road said about seeing the outcome of his life in 10 years.
  • It is difficult, but you were also true when you said the one who is left is stronger for it in the end. I realized a lot about myself and I am hoping I can take what I have learned and apply it in a positive way in a new relationship in the future. I would let yourself feel the betrayal until you are ready to try and focus on the good. Once you let go of the negative, letting the positive in will be such a relief and breath of fresh air. You will wonder how you ever lived with all the negativity before. Keep moving forward and take it one step at a time. The storm does eventually pass and parts of life start to become easier without you even knowing it.
  • I think infidelity is evil. No black and white ... no relativism, no excuses or "because" to give it a cloak or rationality or understanding. It's simply evil. And men or women who cheat on their spouses and their children are evil.  Infidelity IS abuse; it's emotional sadism, a form of cruelty that no one should have to suffer.  Perhaps some cheaters are redeemable and worthy of redemption if they are truly remorseful and are willing to do the hard work necessary to rebuild their relationships and their own blackened characters. Perhaps are few are worthy, with work, of the blessings that forgiveness brings. But too many cheaters are lower than dogs--t and worthy of nothing but drowning in the own messy morass they have themselves created due to sheer monumental selfishness. They deserve no happiness, no peace, no joy in their lives because of the happiness, peace and joy they have drained from their spouses and kids. Yes, this is how I feel about cheaters.
  • We will never figure it out, but you are right, the ones left behind are stronger and we will move on. Many adulterers I believe have a personality disorder, the book A Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout or How To Spot A Dangerous Man Before you Become Involved With One by Sandra Brown profiles their personalities. They want what they want; they cannot be alone and will stay until something different (I won't ever say better because who would want someone that was cheating on their spouse with them) comes along. Focus on yourself, rebuilding your relationships with people, and take a class of something you always wanted to learn. Though it may not look like it right now, you are the lucky one.
  • We will heal and become stronger and always have our integrity. They will never grow. They will always be broken, always looking for the next best thing when things don't work for them anymore. I keep having to remind myself of this too when I start to feel pain or loneliness or pine for what I once had or thought I had.
  • I blame it on cowardice and selfishness. Being too afraid to stand on their own two feet to walk away. They instead need something to walk towards. They're so wrapped up in themselves and their own weaknesses that they need to be buoyed by someone else. The spouses who are left behind, we stand all alone, on our own two feet. We have no Plan B already developed, nothing to run towards. We are left to forge a new path and that is why we will always be the stronger ones.

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8 comments

  • Comment Link Stephen Hampton Wednesday, 14 March 2018 22:09 posted by Stephen Hampton

    I have been married to my wife for ten years and I have not cheated on her. BUT I will tell you I have been tempted and fought through the natural instinct to sleep with a younger fertile female.

    In simple terms it's an instinctual desire to procreate with a fertile female of our species.The more fertile the more the instinct wants to take over. It's our how our little lizard brain is wired. It is only through incredible discipline and will power can any man live a monogamous life style.

    So before you fantasize castrating your adulterous spouse, remember he is simply giving into is nature, the same natural instinct that has you put make up on and wear pretty things to make a male attracted to you. Try going a month without make up.

  • Comment Link Beryl Tuesday, 02 February 2016 02:51 posted by Beryl

    That is why I tell women to not give their husbands any $%&*jobs, because they seem to all cheat no matter how good you are to them. Realize that they want to put their penised in another woman and then then he expects for you to give him oral.

    You have got to be mighty crazy to give your husband oral when the wife knows that husbands are selfish, don't really care how they hurt their wife. and will cheat at the drop of a hat.

    Imagine how foolish a wife who gives her husband blowjobs and then finds out that he put himself with another woman. Don't do it ladies. Have a little dignity. Don't exalt your husband. He definitely won't exalt you.

  • Comment Link Heike Sunday, 13 December 2015 05:41 posted by Heike

    Yes, for positive there might be great adjustments.
    I am solely making ready myself in an ethical
    and non secular method. Concern and lack invites extra
    fear and lack to be drawn in direction of you (like is attracted to love).

    As soon as one realizes what the Age of Aquarius is about all of
    it is smart.

  • Comment Link Kaya Friday, 14 November 2014 02:30 posted by Kaya

    Maria lane
    I know exactly how you feel. You will go through different stages of anger , grief , hurt and acceptance. I don't know how someone can do this to us. I was in denial for such a long time. I saw warning signs and I ignored them all the while he was planning his exit Now I know it has absolutely nothing to do with me. Cheaters are cowards, selfish and arrogant. There are ways to end marriages and relationships. Cheating is the most destructive way out. The person who was abondened did not have the same emotional preparedness as the cheater had. My ex walked out and never looked back. I still feel like the winner. Who would want someone who he is capable of inflicting so much pain on the person they claimed to love till death do us apart ? Only evil people can do this. As much as it hurts it will change you forever. For the better, believe me. I know because I was there. I stood up for myself and my so because he did not deserve our love. Not one ounce of it. And by his actions he lost all privileges to his "family". Good luck. Things will get easier. Even after almost 2 years I am not ready for a new relationship. I have myself, my son and Gods grace. And that's more than I ever had with him.

  • Comment Link Kaya Thursday, 13 November 2014 23:32 posted by Kaya

    I absolutely agree with all the comments and the article. I too was left for a younger, fresher "supply" in form of a co worker. After 20 years of marriage, I discovered my cop husband's affair. I am sure it was not the first one. Instead of getting angry I served him divorce papers. With the help of an aggressive male attorney I took him for everything in court. His little whore cost him permanent alimony, almost half of his monthly army retirement and much more. He lost the love and his respect of his only teenage son. He lost his house , his money and his family. I gained so much strength that I never knew I had. The entire divorce process empowered me and I am happy and at peace now. The little co worker can have him. I have no contact with him and it will always be like that. Walking out on a family is selfish cowardly evil act. I will never conmunicate with the devil again. At first it was devastating , looking back it was the best thing that I ever happened to me. Thank you God , thank you little minion , you saved my life. God had a plan. And every day I thank God for this.

  • Comment Link Maria Lane Thursday, 02 October 2014 08:11 posted by Maria Lane

    2 days ago I found out that my husband cheated on me. I cannot move, my heart is empty, my brain is in absolute fog. How can man who was your best friend, father of your child, your love, kill everything inside of you. I feel myself used, unable to trust anymore. I know that men with integrity exist, but none of them ever crossed my path.

  • Comment Link colette Wednesday, 26 March 2014 08:17 posted by colette

    My 8yr relationship has been destroyed 5weeks ago with cheating and i dont feel that strong atm :( he is 40 and is now seeing the 26yr old he cheated with even tho he still lives in house for financial reasons but stays out most nights with girl and her parents are ok with it WTF! To make matters worse we have 3kids and im pregnant with our 4th only 3months to go, he is getting drunk all the time and says its because he is trapped and cant leave house, the worst is i still love him so much but im trying my best to act indifferent and not get upset. Ive been in hospital due to pregnancy issues and he has never bothered just says to txt him whats being said how heartless can someone be, he would rather be with her than see what is happening with his unborn child
    I know that they are looking for a house together atm so im sure he will be gone soon as it hurts when i see my 4yr old desperate for his attention and all he does is sit txting her and ignoring our son :( he still lives in house for financial reasons

  • Comment Link corinne Monday, 07 October 2013 12:31 posted by corinne

    I found out my husband cheated 3 yrs ago and gave him a second chance but when i found out it was a on going affair i gave him divorce papers now he is trying everything he can to get me to change my mind ..