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The question about men moving on so quickly was posed by one of our members recently, and we thought we'd highlight a number of the insightful responses from the community:

  • I don't think it's a matter of them having "moved on so quickly." I would venture to guess that in 99% of cases, these "runaway husbands" emotionally LEFT the marriage a long time BEFORE they physically left. That's what my therapist told me and it's the same thing I have read in numerous books on divorce recovery. It is going to take a lot longer for those of us who were left to "catch up" with that on an emotional level.  Basically, the best way to work through this is to put the focus on YOURSELF and stop pondering the whys and wherefores of what the EX's did.  That, too, is a process and therapy and counseling will help.  I can tell you that it took me a couple of years AFTER the divorce from Hell was finally final to reach the point where the EX isn't even a blip on the radar screen of my life anymore.  Be patient with yourself and GENTLE with yourself.  As long as you sit there comparing what he is doing to where you are in the process, you are holding yourself back.  I am living, breathing proof that there is LIFE after divorce, and also testimony to the fact that you CAN find a loving and healthy relationship after the ripe old age of 50!  Take heart, girls!  Tell yourself: "Something WONDERFUL will happen for me, I just have to get through the muck and the mire FIRST!"
  • There is no logic for the "how could they just walk out on a wife and kids", they just do.  It is happening at an alarming rate and you would think they would learn by seeing there friends ruin there lives but they just don't.  I think its a combination of men missing the moral/ethical chip in their brain and whats on TV and going on in society.  It's getting to the point where their bad behavior is accepted, or even expected.  I guess women just have to decide how they will handle it if and when it happens to them.
  • I think women are more comfortable dealing with their emotions, willing to work through the knotty problems, and men have a tendency to dismiss topics close to the heart, thus end up repeating hurtful actions.  It's confusing; almost as though they committed 1/2 of themselves to the original couple; leaving oh, so much room for questionable behavior. Somehow, their moral code allows for this irrationality.  Is this supported through media (tv, movies, magazines), 'boys night out', the "ME" mentality or parents' role modeling?  I agree, the more distance between involvement in church, community, and family activities, the greater likelihood of the straying eye and genitals.  The crux appears to fester in their insecurities; am I still a good catch (communications, sexual performance, risks and challenges)? When a marriage is comfortable (stale?), rather than attempts to restore enthusiasm, bonding, adventure, men are more likely to look elsewhere (greener grass).  That invested energy is expended outside the home.  What the "other women" ignores is if he'll do it to us, he will eventually do it to her!
  • Men are very different from women.  They are not as relational, emotional or sentimental as we are.  It's just the way the brains are constructed.  They are much more detached than we are.  So, the only thing that would keep a man from leaving a relationship he was not necessarily happy in anymore would be a personal moral code that he was taught probably early on to fulfill his commitments.  Fewer and fewer men these days are taught such a code since we've moved farther and farther away from God in our culture, therefore, we are reaping the results of this harvest of self-centeredness.
  • I really don't believe these men are moving on (I know mine isn't); he's more like a hamster on one of those little wheels.  He jumped from our relationship to another, and he's going to make the same mistakes.  My dad jokes and says it's like my EX just changed a light bulb, out with the old and in with the new.  He hasn't done his "homework" and he doesn't even acknowledge that he has baggage.  Yes, there are times when I am feeling lonely through all of this, but I know that I am on a different path, and I will heal, and I will grow, and I will be a better person than he could ever become.
  • Think about good people and their actions.  You are good.  Think about you, and let him go.  (This is what I am trying to do and am sometimes successful.)  You can't expect an unreasonable person to think reasonably.  If he did, his actions would be different.  His actions are indefensible to normal thinking people, and I feel for you and understand how it makes you crazy.  You're not alone.  I tell myself that his bizarre justification is the only way he can tell himself that what he is doing is OK.  I can't control what others do or what they think, only my actions, and I just have to move on.  If you keep thinking about them, you will drive yourself crazy!  Be good to yourself, and obsessing over them is not being good to yourself.  I'm rooting for you and all going through this.
  • A lot of times men get involved in being with a woman too soon, after he is divorced or not divorced, or he is cheating.  But this relationship will not last with this woman, because he is still caring the hurt from you into this relationship, time and time again, I have seen it happen.  Not that it would make us feel better if this happens, but we must learn this for ourselves, to not "jump" into a relationship too quickly because it could happen to us as well.  As I said before get time to know yourself and learn to love yourself first before trying to bring another person into your life.  Look in the mirror and say I love that person and will learn more about myself every day as hard as it is to be alone.  God bless every woman who is going through this.

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  • Comment Link AliBa Friday, 09 February 2018 02:41 posted by AliBa

    We've been married six years. I'm a flight attendant, and when I met him he was working at Starbucks. Six years later, he's become a police officer after years of struggles. We also have a two yr old baby girl.

    He left me and our baby a month ago. A few days ago, I found out he's been cheating on me for two months. I called the woman, and she knew about me and my daughter. She merged the call with my husband, and he yelled at me on the phone while she listened. I cried so hard.

    My soul feels crushed. I feel like my spirit is broken. My husband, the man I love, ripped my heart right out of my chest.

    I find myself listening to ministries ALL day long. I pray ALL day long. I read the bible daily. I research abandoned wives, and husbands that cheat, and police officers infidelity. I research how to move on. I listen to hypnosis meditations for broken hearts.

    I've been crying less, but I'm really having a difficult time with this.

    My hope is for my husband to turn his heart back to me and my daughter. I know in reality, I wouldn't know how to move forward if he did return... but it's better than this hell I'm living in.

    If I have to go through a divorce, I just hope that my future is victorious and full of blessings that I haven't even dreamed of.

    God bless you all, women. I hope you all heal quickly and find victory at the end of your heartache.

  • Comment Link Sandy Dunavant Sunday, 04 February 2018 14:21 posted by Sandy Dunavant

    my husband and I are separated and will be getting a divorce. He left me for another women, who he stays with will I am still in the home. He has not worked in over two and a half years, has filed for disability and is awaiting to hear if he is approved. He is asking me for money in which I don't really have because I am trying to pay the bills he wasn't paying to keep our house hold running. Do i have to give him anything?
    Thank you for any help

  • Comment Link Andre Sanchez Saturday, 13 January 2018 05:20 posted by Andre Sanchez

    My partner of 17 years has had an affair with the younger woman next door (our tenant) for 2 years. I found out a year ago. At that time he moved across the street with her for 7 weeks then came back to me only to start affair a few weeks later and she moved. She moved he stayed with me but affair continued. 2 mon ago he began staying nights with her only to come home a few nights a week. He also furnished our rental with plans to move in it to be alone and think things through. But has not. He has ALL his belongings in my home and comes daily to get one shirt and one pants socks and He calls me daily and tells family he and I are just doing our own thing for a while. He does not tell them he is with the other woman. He refuses to let me pay for any expenses. He said he will always take care of me. We go out on the weekends to eat and the movies per him.. And i miss him so i go . i am so confused. I am seeing other men just friends and he seems to get jealous and asks questions about them. I think he lies to the other woman and tells her he is at his house across the street when he is really with m and our son .. Mine he raised since he was 7 yrs old. He says once he moves into his house a lot will change.. I know they have no trust. She doesn't after all what they did to me she thinks we will do as well..karma maybe.. But I am so confused about what he is doing????

  • Comment Link Yoli  Wednesday, 20 December 2017 07:27 posted by Yoli

    Never married but still living with the father of my last two kids since 1987. We began distancing emotionally from each for about the last 8-9 years back but I never stopped loving him, his bad habits, his friends and his family living in the same building began to get on my nerves he never seen my point in anything not to mention that by 47 I began to experience menopause, I would tell my family I was going through something out of my control and not to anything personal, sex was not on my mind. I remember feeling like I was losing my mind, I just began to deny myself from my partner of over 20 + years.,, I was devastated because he blamed only me so he just gave up and began to go out in public to night clubs in front of friends he would dance and mingle with women as if I never existed, he had several encounters he began staying out later and later, we still shared the same bed as crazy as it may sound I was content still having him in my life although he was living the life of a single man, I remember the awful cold things he would say to me but I never left. Many things happened in our lives, we even lost our home because he never shared he was behind on payments. I became departe I decided to buy a small home of my own even after so many people told not to do it, well he is still here. I began to sleep the weekends out of the house by friends because I didn't want to watch as he would get dressed to go out every weekend and even sometimes during the week it was finally earlier this year right before my daughters college graduation he met a woman he seemed to be getting very close too, he began to stay out, coming home the next morning. This time I was getting furious Can't explain why but the relationship with this woman tore me to pieces, I felt I was about to really lose him to this woman. This time I felt threatened by this other woman, I found a watch case she bought for him I began to share my concern with him, he told me straight out that it was over for us and that we were just roommates, I had him move all his stuff down to the basement, I began to tear up shirts with her scent, I took back all the cloth I ever bought for him and as much as I wanted him to leave I was so afraid. I'm not too sure how to really feel because of the hurtful things he would say to me he would talk to me with such hate I feeI he really wanted to be with her but stay here, I begged him to leave because I couldn't deal with the pain. We would have some awful heated arguments. I would have wished he would have left,my daughter and my other kids would have preferred I had left him because they hurt too I just never knew how to walk away from this man and now he said he is no longer with this woman and I felt a relief I began to make my way back into his life because I've always missed what we had and as many horrible things as he said and did to me with no remorse I feel that I just want him back in my life, these last few weeks of heated sex have been great I truly missed us but I'm not sure how far this is can go, he said we are going to be ok and that we will grow old together I feel he is keeping secrets from me, I'm not sure if later on I will be able to trust him, or if this woman will call him again but I would like to give it a chance. I want to be sure of myself, I just cant see another man in my life, I've taken vacations with friends but it feels empty without him. Am I wrong for wanting to hold on even after so many years of disrespect? I love this man but I do feel so hurt.

  • Comment Link Benda Saturday, 09 December 2017 17:32 posted by Benda

    Thank you for these words make a different to hear it from about person. I'm grateful

  • Comment Link Lou lou Sunday, 12 November 2017 19:21 posted by Lou lou

    My husband of 31 years he is my soul mate and he decided to leave me for my best friend. I'm totally lost without him. We have a 8 year old daughter that doesn't understand any of this. How they could have done this to us. I moved her in a month befotbefore this happened she was without a home and this is the thanks I get betrayed my them two. I'm love him so much and would take him back . I know I must be crazy.

  • Comment Link Lesley Tuesday, 31 October 2017 00:28 posted by Lesley

    I inadvertently found ou my husband of 16 years was planning to leave me for another woman he hadn’t even met. They were in contact on Facebook unbeknown to me. I loved and trusted this man 100% so it was a real shock to me. I spent hours reading all the messages to each other on messenger, declarations of undying love and plots of how to leave me without raising any suspicion! This woman lives 360 miles away. I decided that he should leave before he planned and left him to collect his belongings from our front lawn. I haven’t heard from him since, 4 months now. He has moved in with her after meeting her twice.
    How do you deal with all this. I feel like I never existed, in the messages to her he referred to me as ‘It’ why is that? How can someone you truly love and trust do something like this?

  • Comment Link ramona rose Wednesday, 25 October 2017 02:57 posted by ramona rose

    love the way u explained this it encouraged me so much !..thank you

  • Comment Link Eileen P Redding Thursday, 15 June 2017 23:19 posted by Eileen P Redding

    Hi my name is Eileen been so sad lately my husband left me for another women after 38 years of marriage and replaced me in three weeks maybe even sooner I took his mother in for three years and his brother in for almost a year. I was told when she died that he was unhappy but continued to have sexual relation with me He left about a year and half ago why do I still cry everyday and feel worthless he said awful things to me before he left treated me like I never mattered I feel like a piece of trash to be thrown out I was always so kind I was always the one to give in I know I'am not prefect he used to tell me I had a heart of gold then he started finding all this fault with me telling me I said the wrong things around his lawyer friends did not dress right talk right and now after 38 years he treats the other women like a princess all I do is cry I feel worthless

  • Comment Link Su Saturday, 29 April 2017 08:17 posted by Su

    It's been two months since we split after 22 years together. I knew two years previous, I'd fallen out of love,but wasn't brace enough, or ready enough to move on. Then he told me he felt like we were unconnected and I knew it was time to end it. I stupidly thought we could still have a friendship, but boy was I wrong. Overnight he turned into a liar, angry, shitty human. He entered a new relationship immediately,asked our child if she wanted to meet her, rang up over stupid things, told me not to e er bring a man into the house, or go to places we once went together. His ego is bigger than his brain. He puts his new gf first,which annoys me no end....
    I was a tad jealous when I found out but realised I had no right to,he deserved to be happy. Then I found out who she was,and friends were happy to let me know what kind of woman she is. Had we had no kids ,I would just feel sorry for him, but at this point,over my dead body will our child meet her. He moved in with her after five weeks...I know, pathetic really. I've had to block my phones, he's being so nasty. Ringing up shouting down the phone. My point is, I know he's hurt,as am I. People behave in a way that shocks us. The town is laughing at him,and I'm just getting on with this new phase of my life. I left the relationship years before him, he's just got some catching up to do.

  • Comment Link Rachel Monday, 10 April 2017 17:20 posted by Rachel

    My husband of 21 years (26 years together) decided eight months ago (August 2016) that he was 'bored and unhappy' and wanted to be free and single and enjoy himself!

    A few weeks later he admitted there was 'someone he was fond of' and he wanted to get to know her better! Gradually over the next few months he started to move his belongings out and to stay a few nights away with her while still living with me (separate bedrooms).

    Although this was incredibly painful and I was heart broken it was still nice to have him around - to have someone to cook for etc (no children). March 2017 he finally left for good and I am so devastated and depressed I can hardly function. I still see him on Sundays when he comes back to work on engines in his garage at the bottom of the garden. He was a self-employed mechanic when this happened and the stress of having to run a business made us grow apart. I can see now I look back how we stopped going places together or communicating, but I never expected him to just give up and walk away.

    He tells me he misses me, hugs me and even says he loves me, but still leaves to go back to her. I just don't understand how a man I've known since he was only 20 (I was 33 when we met) can be so detached and selfish. He was a very decent, kind caring man which only makes this worse.

    Our sex life disappeared last year which was a big mistake on my part. It is so much more important to men then I think we realise. I have been going through the menopause since I was 47 and had breast cancer for the second time when I was 50 (I was 30 the first time) both of which impacted greatly on my libido and self confidence.

    Now he wants me to sell our lovely home which we built 12 years ago and I can't bear to lose that as well as my husband. He is paying the mortgage but says he can't continue as he has rent and food etc to pay for. He also bought a big new flashy 1.6 car which costs him 100 euro a week so has to work 7 days a week to cover everything. So much for being free and single to enjoy life!

    Once the mortgage is paid and the remaining total left divided between us I will hardly be able to afford a tiny apartment, certainly nothing like I am used to. I am 59, receiving disability allowance due to damage inflicted by the breast cancer treatment and reconstruction and probably wouldn't be able to get a mortgage even if I was. He on the other hand has 20 more years of working ahead and will easily get a mortgage, especially as he has 'her' to help out with payments.

    I have no family in this country and very few friends as I made the bad mistake of relying on my husband to be my best friend, so I feel terribly alone and lonely. I live in a beautiful, rural area of Ireland so this adds even more to my isolation.

    I can't believe my life has ended up like this - with no hope or future that I can see. I have lost 2 stone (28 lbs) and weigh just 7 stone 3 lbs (101lbs) and feel old, scrawny and unattractive. I don't know his new woman's age, or even her name as I refuse to ask but I'm sure she will be younger then me, or him.

    I keep hoping he will say he's made a terrible mistake (before I have to sell our house!) but know in my heart that this is unlikely. I do realise even if he did it would take a lot of work to repair the damage he has done and maybe I wouldn't even want him back by that stage!

    People say I will get over this, 'it happens' and I need to 'move on' (how annoying are these phrases?) but at the moment the only thing keeping me alive is my little dog, Maggie.

    Each morning is a nightmare, I dread waking up. I have been looking for work but even with an Hons Degree it is proving to be impossible as I haven't worked outside the home (ironically I ran my own dating agency up until 6 years ago - could do with it now!) for over 15 years.

    Thanks for reading this - I know I sound a bit pathetic but I really can't get over this betrayal by the one person I trusted most in the world. Never again!

  • Comment Link J Perry Sunday, 09 April 2017 11:19 posted by J Perry

    My long term partner left me for a younger version in June 2015. 2 months after his 50th birthday. I did not see this coming. I did not pursue and let him go. I was devastated, heart broken, a mess and down on my knees for a very long time. I went to therapy and rebuilt myself. Fast forward to January 2017....the emails started coming through thick and fast. He is totally miserable, he regrets leaving and has been himself in therapy trying to understand why he did it. He has asked to come back and is willing to pay for couples counselling to try and help rebuild us as a unit again and acknowledges his part in the crazy disappearing act for the younger version. My thoughts? Sadly I said no. It is so very upsetting that a younger woman comes along and bam he is gone. He sincerely regrets everything and I am sorry he feels that way now. Had he come back much quicker to work us out then perhaps I would have said yes. His actions have made me a different person....stronger, happier and single. I fear nothing now and live a fulfilled life without the fear of someone leaving me again. So, some really do regret their actions.

  • Comment Link Ava Friday, 24 March 2017 13:37 posted by Ava

    Well, I was all aboard until you started bashing your ex. "I will be a better person than he'll ever become" shows that you still have some things to work through.

    Letting go is LETTING GO.

  • Comment Link Saturday, 04 March 2017 06:38 posted by

    Powerful message. I have learnt a lot.

    Thank you

  • Comment Link Linda Reneau Friday, 24 February 2017 18:55 posted by Linda Reneau

    Thank you.
    This was the greatest reward I could have ever read!
    God Bless

  • Comment Link Babygirl Friday, 20 January 2017 04:44 posted by Babygirl

    I'm so hurt my husband is a soldier he filled for divorce we got married 2015 April he filed for divorce last year October I'm now stressed not myself worse he even moved on with his life has a girlfriend don't have time for our kids I got a summon that says I'm the 1 cheating left my house October funny we still stay 2gether since he left December the 30 he said he is at pretoria with work I know they get breaks he only came on the 14 and left on the 16 he goes in the morning comes back very late I'm now worried as my family says I should fix things how will I do that because he doesn't want counciling he says it's over.

  • Comment Link Marla Saturday, 14 January 2017 22:38 posted by Marla

    Me and my husband got a dissolution after 28 years of marriage because my dad got sick and I had to move in with him and take care of him. He lost his Legg and my ex husband offered to move in with us to help me take care of him. We got back together and I bought a new King size bed TV and my dad had to go into a nursing home so I used the money I had saved up and bought a trailer off of my cousin. It needed a lot of work but we got it all fixed up. My dad passed away in July of last year and my ex husband sat me down a month later in August after our 2 grandson's birthday party and told me he has a girlfriend and I had to move out. I didn't know what to do I had no where to go. He kept taunting me every day telling me I had to get out because his girlfriend wasn't happy I was there. I couldn't take it anymore more and tried to take my life September the first. I met her a month after my dad died he invited her and her father to come over for coffee and I was super nice to them he said he knew her father and her when they lived in his small town. The following weekend was my grandson's party so I went to stay with my daughter for a couple of days and while I was at her house he brought her to our house and had sex with her in our bed all weekend. I found this out after I got out of the hospital because he had put all of my clothes in garbage bags and threw them in my daughters front yard. He kept almost everything I had when I moved in with my dad and everything I bought while I was there. He told me he used me to buy the trailer and fix it up because I had money and he didn't have any. He has no remorse for any of it hasn't seen his grandson's for a year. I can't move on every day I wish I would have just died. They celebrated their anniversary on August the 20th the day I went to my daughter's house. Our friends want nothing to do with me his family won't talk to me because he forbid them from it. I am 48 years old and losing my eyesight. I never thought my life would turn out like this. He was my best friend we were married when I was 16 years old he is all I have ever known. I miss him so much and love him. I don't know what to do any more.

  • Comment Link Angie Saturday, 07 January 2017 18:40 posted by Angie

    I disagree with many of your points but none more than men are much more detached than we are. They are every bit as relational, emotional and sentimental. They just communicate differently. I think your way of thinking is part of the problem.

    Ignoring obvious problems in marriage for decades is every bit the wife's fault as it is the husband's. It takes two.

    We all make mistakes. Some of us choose the wrong partner. We change, we evolve. We are not trees, stuck in the same place for a lifetime. We alone are responsible for our own happiness. It does not fall onto our husband's shoulders or or children's or our friend's or our dog's. We should be PROACTIVE and not reactive.

    It's pretty obvious that you are still struggling. I hope you have gained some perspective and wisdom since you posted this article.

  • Comment Link Blue19 Tuesday, 03 January 2017 17:04 posted by Blue19

    Thank you so much for this post. I was married for 11 years husband cheated. Came back and left me again after 10 months... Saying he didn't love me and just felt "sorry" he thought getting back together would work. We almost had a baby... unfortunately didn't happen...I know many women like me are out there. We keep reading articles to help us heal but all these articles say it's much easier to move on when you don't have children. Which could be true, yet the pain is still the same. The fact that you invest so much time and effort in a marriage when they walk away, you are left with a broken heart and having to start all over with finding true love again. But you realize you are older and biological clock is ticking even harder. Makes things even more stressful and the healing process seems like it could not get here anytime soon :(

  • Comment Link Laurie Mead Friday, 02 December 2016 04:28 posted by Laurie Mead

    I feel this pain every single day. It was lije ocer the last 4 yrs, maybe even longer. I guess this would explain his random disappearing acts and his irrational behavior at home- I guess it takes a lot out of a man to chear? Unfortulately it has veen the kids and I that paid the price. He'd get mad over the smallest conflicts and flee' he'd protray thar it was all me, and make me so mad and upset, when all I wanred to do was hold on, unaware that he cheated, I was so confused. I'm still torn and heartbroken and don't think I will ever see the sunshine again. U think I'd rather have had him honest vs. Tryibg so hard to oush me away.....that really inhibited my pyschy and xaused me to ve an emotional wreck. It was as hi premesitated his move and had been planninf it for years. My husband had an i cident that caused major family trauma and he was put in jail for a domestic dispute, at the time I didn't press charges becasue of the impact it would have on the family and he promjsed that he was goijg to fet help for his drinking and anger issues. Things were good for a ling tim, at least I thought they were, but I'm now learning that he has probably been cheating on me with a specific friend of mine for some time amd qas just waiting ut he could expunge his arresr records as just cruel way to through out marriage i n my face while he mkves on with his life? Amd abadons our family, his biological son and my daughter thar he had raised since she qas 5 and refers to him as her father. But, now he wants nothing to do with her, doesn't want to helo her attend school, he told her for her birthday that she could buy a jeep, so naturally we went and mad ethat purchase, and consented with him 10p% of all details regarding the purchase, not to metion this was his plan not mine, but now he's left and he expects me to be able to make all these bills, when I haven't hardly been working, I've only been working one day a week if that this whole month. He left us lie we were yesrerdays trash, so he coukd move on with his new girlfriend. He ecen left me a present before he left, a condom in the trash and a the receipt to the duplicate sex toys he purchased for both her and I in January. I've never veen so heartbroken and feel so used and ma ipulated in my whole entirw life. Inwould necer wish this upon anyone. Its a horrible feeling!

  • Comment Link JackiesDone Friday, 02 December 2016 03:53 posted by JackiesDone saved my life.

  • Comment Link Sarah Merck Thursday, 01 December 2016 09:52 posted by Sarah Merck

    My husband. left me after 15 years for his own 20 year old biological daughter who had come to live with us at the age of 18 because she had been in foster care since the age of 8 when her mother went to prison. I am sickened at the very thought of that incestous union but still am devastated and heartbroken.we lived as a family for almost 3 years and I didn't see I coming. I feel so stupid and humiliated. How do I get over this?

  • Comment Link Michelle Friday, 25 November 2016 18:27 posted by Michelle

    It is too too excruciatingly painful!

  • Comment Link Moe Friday, 11 November 2016 14:48 posted by Moe

    Thank you for the article because I will do my best to get myself together.. this has been one the worst that have happen to me and I just pray everyday that I make it through... for her to feel like she took something from that was my everything and he making her feel that way is crazy to me.. I have two kids and everyday I have to still be a mother but at the same time be angry.. I know he don't care and I need to learn not to care either at some point..

  • Comment Link Big Sis Monday, 07 November 2016 03:55 posted by Big Sis

    Needed this

  • Comment Link Sylvia Friday, 21 October 2016 21:22 posted by Sylvia

    Men that leave there wife after years of Marriage 34 years or more And moves in with the woman and gets engaged And still married to you will just ironic But they had them for 3 or more years. He plan to leave or plot it to be with this woman you know what bad about Men they don't know there woman looking for someone that been Married for a years.And also don't realize that these Woman had psychology.And they can never trust each other.pray it really helps.

  • Comment Link Juniqua Monday, 17 October 2016 04:22 posted by Juniqua

    For the person who said her husband lives with the girlfriend but you are still married to him..... Why would you allow yourself to be put in such a position?

    The girlfriend gets the joys of having your husband while you take on all the legal liability for him. I've been there and the first thing I did was make sure our liability was severed. I separated our auto insurance policies and everything else you could think of and divorced.

    No way was he going to be with his girlfriend and yet I was to take on all the legal responsibility. He could run up credit card... owed the IRS and I would be the one held jointly responsible . Don't be a doormat.

    The marriage is over and even if he came back would you want him?

  • Comment Link Pauline Lownds Sunday, 16 October 2016 16:58 posted by Pauline Lownds

    Loved this, husband walked out after 31yrs, 2wks ago so I guess you can imagine what I'm going through, this actually made me smile!
    Long road ahead I know but one day at a time,
    Thank you.

  • Comment Link Cora Hixson Sunday, 25 September 2016 00:01 posted by Cora Hixson

    My husband lives with her we are still married

  • Comment Link JK Saturday, 24 September 2016 01:34 posted by JK

    Pray, pray, pray. I totally understand what you are going through. Read the book of Proverbs in the Holy Bible and it will help and bless you.

  • Comment Link Andie Wednesday, 14 September 2016 13:21 posted by Andie

    Yes!!! You explained it very well. Thank you for this article.

  • Comment Link DK Thursday, 08 September 2016 14:10 posted by DK

    My husband of 34 years just left me for our 33 year old coworker. Her office was right next to mine. Of course I had seen all the constant flirting for months, which made me mad because it was so disrespectful. All the times I told him to stop, he was her direct boss, so very unprofessional, and they just kept flirting! She is also married, but her husband left her, or she kicked him out mid July. Their affair surfaced for me Aug 2, 2016 when I made him unlock his phones and found all the evidence. I kicked him out, and he now lives with her! He told me he loves her. Both have quit where we all worked. This is the most difficult thing I have been through in my entire life. I still cry and other times I am so angry! Being discarded then replaced is hard to stomach. I know I will be stronger some day, so I hold on to that.

  • Comment Link jccozza Sunday, 04 September 2016 07:16 posted by jccozza

    Just found out why my husband of 34 years asked me for a divorce. He has been cheating on me for the past 6 months with a coworker. He doesn't know that I am aware of his infidelities. This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Wish I could call his boss and have him fired, but that would only hurt our family finances. I want to let all our friends, and family, his coworkers and clients what a disgusting person he has become. I want him to hurt the way I do, but right now he is enjoying the lust phase of his new relationship. Any advice of how to get through this would be helpful.

  • Comment Link Lucia Friday, 19 August 2016 19:52 posted by Lucia

    Good afternoon,
    I been separated from my husband for 5 years and He was abusive with me. He didn't help me with the baby for the first 5 years. He said the baby wasnt his. We got married before We had the baby. I meet this a guy a few years ago and I like him. We been talking for years and he wants to take me out to dinner. Is that ok?

  • Comment Link carmel james Friday, 19 August 2016 12:32 posted by carmel james

    Thanks for your encouragement.

  • Comment Link Elida Ramirez Wednesday, 17 August 2016 02:43 posted by Elida Ramirez

    im hurting.

  • Comment Link Sabrina Wednesday, 10 August 2016 07:32 posted by Sabrina

    It's a very devastating, difficult process.
    7 mo ago, my ex fiance of 5 1/2 yrs left me in a text message. He blamed it on depression and said "life is short and he can't wake up another day sad". WOW! My life crashed to the floor into a million pieces. In reality, he was having an affair with a woman he worked with. He never mentioned that part! I found out on my own. All the while leading me to believe I was at fault. He stopped sleeping next to me for 8 mo. He said I snored too loud. 5 yrs in the same bed. I trusted him with every thing I had. He claimed he was a loyal, trusting, faithful man for life. He always said that we were soul mates.
    Once he left, he viewed me as enemy number1. The woman he cheated with, he brought me around her. She knew who I was. They are still together.

  • Comment Link Ashley Wednesday, 10 August 2016 01:19 posted by Ashley

    Thanks for your post. I can't believe how many of us have gone/are going through this. I was together with my husband for ten years and married for two of those ten. I'm only 29 but I can not believe that I am getting a divorce. It's hard to see the light sometimes since we were just planning on having a family together. He's been cheating on me with a 22 year old, who made our wedding video with her bf at the time whom she also cheated on with my husband, and they're now living together. I found out three days before our 2 year wedding anniversary and of course like all cheaters he lied and told me it was me and that I was insecure and making it up. Like most of the post he said the most hurtful things; he never loved me, he never wants to have kids with me and that he felt like he had to take medication to propose and to marry me. My favorite is the latest thing he wrote to me telling me how kind of a heart I have and that I would help him financially so he could afford to move on with his life... the best part of that is that his friend told me he has not been going to work.
    I have and will never speak to him ever again in my life, that's something I've always said to him if he were to cheat on me and I will hold true to my word.
    Even though he keeps doing things to try to get to me emotionally, I realize that I'm really good, actually great without him. I've never been so free from being controlled and manipulated for ten years. Apart of me should thank the 22 year old for taking a narcissist away from me and say he's all yours and you get what you deserve for having absolutely no morals yourself. Good luck!
    What I've learned throughout all of this is what you say in your article, truly love yourself because at the end of the day you are all you have. Yes, I know there's my true soulmate out there and like you said I'm not going to rush into anything.
    Anyone who has been cheated on and left or put through the emotional turmoil deserves SO much more and better than the low life cowards.
    I don't really know if cheaters change, maybe some do...and I've thought to myself that other women who are more forgiving are stronger than me to go through that path. Another thing that I've learned is that I'm taking the path best for me and I will never ever give him another second of my time because I value myself more and nothing will ever change that. I've also learned that a really important thing is to lean on people that you trust and can count on; family, friends or a therapist.
    Everyone else's path will be different, it's just a matter of what that person can handle and wants to tolerate.

  • Comment Link Tameka Thursday, 04 August 2016 16:45 posted by Tameka

    Thank You, I feel like crying every time he was not my husband but my fiancé he has been apart of my life for 18yrs and we been together on and off for 6 years. he was cheating never said lets end things or anything just moved onto another relationship with a young girl in her 30's and him and I are in our 40's in march everything came to light he was caught and decided to be with her, now since march he has made 3 attempts to reach out this last attempt we met up and talked and he was begging, pleading and all this mess for us to work things out while taking him back was not going to be a easy task he claimed he knew what he needed to do and wanted to do it. All of this to rip my heart out again to tell me 4days later he wanted to be with the young girl and move on with her and he will not contact me ever again in life.. Like who does this? So I been just feeling a emotional wreck since this just took place in July.. Just lost I am

  • Comment Link Nicola Thursday, 04 August 2016 05:56 posted by Nicola

    Thank you these are wise words. My husband who i have been with for 22 years and married to for 15 years just walked out on me and our two children four weeks ago.
    He said he doesn't love me in that way anymore.I asked him how he felt about the children which to start he could not say, now 3 weeks on he tells me he now knows how he feels about the children but still only feels for me in a sisterly way. I have told him I feel it is our situation and not me but he is unwilling to see this, our situation is slightly unusual as we share a house with my patents which i see has been stressful as he married me not my family but he never said anything , I have said we can move to our own place as a family then if it still doesn't work so be it but at least I know he would have tried. He told me he has since met someone else only 1 week after He left. To quote 'it wasn't ment and wasn't planned' well I'm sure it never is is it. I thought he was suffering from depression which he has finally admitted is true but he is still not willing to get help and seems to want to live a life of a teenager at 43 finding a new woman and going out drinking with no commitment, am heartbroken as I married and ment my vouse but obviously he didn't, he never told me there was a problem but just went I am struggling to get over the fact that now he has admitted and spoken he is unwilling to try to resolve the problems. He still sees the children with me! I am so confused as to what to do, I still want him to see the children but then he is not really getting the opportunity to see what he is giving up I am trying my hardest to move on but can't stop thinking about why. Sorry I need to try to stop so much going round in my head, and I am not sure the best way to act when we are together with the children he is still willing to be close and i find it hard not to bring the subjeect up, but would I be better to keep my distance and not bring up the situation and have fun. i just dont know i still want him to try so dont want to give the wrong message but pulling away might that make him think?? and thank you for your article but boy as you can see I am confused x hurting and empty I have a physical pain in my chest it hurts so much x

  • Comment Link primorosa Wednesday, 03 August 2016 14:18 posted by primorosa

    Thank you so much for your advice. I'm going through something similar. A relationship 29 years. He always he made me believe he was divorced. I found out he is being married for 6 years. It really hurts. I feel empty.

  • Comment Link Joan Monday, 25 July 2016 05:26 posted by Joan

    Yes, but husband left me because I suffer from severe depression...I have since gone through therapy and am on anti-depressants and am so much better and happier with all that anger gone...But before I got the proper treatment, my husband has taken up with a mistress and live 600 miles away. We had been married 46 years, before he left me for a mistress and I know with my depression the last years had not been good...But why could he wait till i sought treatment and finally go the therapy and the psychiatric help I needed... He wants me to wait a year to see what happens,,,but he is still with the mistress and I'm willing to wait forever for him to come back, I love him so much and I do not want a divorce. We have 3 grown children and they are all upset with their father for leaving me and taking up with this other woman who has been married 4 times before and many boyfriends. I don't understand how a woman can come between a husband and his wife of 46 years. I just don't know what to do and not sure what will happen after a year...He will not talk to me very much at all,,,mostly has to be by email or text messages (even though he hardly gets back to me), because his therapist told him not to talk to me on the phone or person. I haven't seen him in 2 1/2 months when he left to go live with her. I can't imagine a therapist not recommending that we go for marriage counseling (because that is what my therapist and psychiatrist said we should be doing) and that his therapist would tell him to almost always talk to me in an email... I hurt so badly and miss him so much...I can't imagine a life without him and our children don't want him bring his mistress to visit with him...He only has seen his Grandchildren (ages 8, 13 and 15) once see he left the beginning of April to be with here...I just want him back in my life no matter what...I feel we can work this out with marriage counceling.

  • Comment Link April Friday, 15 July 2016 00:57 posted by April

    Thank u so much for writing that . My husband left me for another women . 34 yrs we have been together we are in the process of a divorce now. It's really hard and I'm still blaming myself . I know I shouldn't and I know it's gonna take some time for me to learn to love myself and get through this

  • Comment Link Barbara David Sunday, 10 July 2016 09:08 posted by Barbara David

    my husband of 20 years just ran off with a 17 yr old high school girl. he is 47. this is a just a little over a year since his last affair with someone else. we had gone to marriage counseling and he swore up and down that he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. that he only loved me and no one else. but here i sit broken hearted in tears again because he just doesn't care about anyone but himself. i wish i knew how to get rid of this horrible ache. 3 months ago everything seemed to be fine and now we don't even talk. i don't hear from him unless he wants something like his mail. it's like i'm some kind of stranger to him and this other person who he's known maybe 3 and half months is so important for his survival. how could that be? i'm completely devasted. just wish i could fast forward my life through the next fews years of what i'm sure is going to be utter hell!

  • Comment Link Marsha Lamar Sunday, 10 July 2016 03:16 posted by Marsha Lamar

    My husband of 30+ years (highschool sweethearts) left me for a younger, need I say far more attractive, and apparently smarter woman. She's a partner in their business.

    Looking back, all the signs were there though I didn't see it coming and was unable to cope. I gained 30 lbs and though it's only been 3 years, I 've tacked on 15 years in my appearance.

    I will soon have the HONOR of seeing my ex with his new beautiful wife at my daughter's upcoming nuptials. Everytime I look in the mirror, I get anxiety about this upcoming event. I'm very happy and proud of my daughter and know that it's not about me right now. I have lost 19lbs and believe I can get rid of the other 11 lbs before the wedding but I decided to get a little work done that was until I went to check it out and it's more that I can afford.

    Some may not understand but I know there are many that have been through a similar situation and so I'm asking for any help I can get. It could be $5.00 or $50.00.

  • Comment Link Debby Belshaw Saturday, 09 July 2016 10:55 posted by Debby Belshaw

    I'm 56. Husbands almost 60. Been together for 30 years. I have been in love with this man all that time After going back n forth to the 34year old Hungarian woman for 2 years he came back to us in March this year. Promising us it was over and this is where he belonged. It was wonderful and the promises he made were believable. But he still drank every night. He made love to me. Told me how beautiful I was. How he wanted to grow old with me. He had to work and went away but 3 weeks ago he went silent again. Came home and blurted out that he wasn't getting any younger and he wants to make a go of it again with her.
    I am beyond devastated and feel so lost. Friends have stopped calling. They just don't know what to say. My sons have been the strength I need but I can't move on. I cry all the time. I have felt like giving up but I can't. He is in a dark place, looks older than his years and she wants babies!!! She is a gold digger with no job and she will see him for who he is in time. I feel so stupid for waiting for him. I believed the good in him and now he's gone. This is the lowest point right here right now. I feel so utterly empty inside and above all rejected. I'm a good person. I was always there for him but now no one is there for me. I pray this gut wrenching ache will go one day. I want to get angry but just feel so lost.

  • Comment Link AM Sunday, 03 July 2016 22:22 posted by AM

    Positive, realistic and supportive message. And so very true.

    Good luck to anyone reeling from a separation or infidelity and betrayal. It tAkes time to recover, be kind to yourself, try not to spend too much energy founding out why. Often there is no answer. Really really focus on what's best for you. It is hard, especially when you have children and when your family is your life.

    But, you will find a way. You were a person before this relationship and you will discover her again. Acknowledge the pain and the hurt but don't let it define you.

    And seriously, if there is another woman involved - do not draw comparisons. You are worth so much more than that.

  • Comment Link get real Sunday, 03 July 2016 03:12 posted by get real

    I read stuff like this and see a society in complete denial. Yes! a complete refusal to understand what is really going on and blame shifting. And all support by your law and government!
    = New and improved generation of parentally alienated messed up children with no fathers.

  • Comment Link Robbin Tuesday, 31 May 2016 20:40 posted by Robbin

    Married for 20 years. Together for 27 years. He's 8 years younger than me but it was never an issue. Knew things were rocky but a few months before he left I kicked it up a notch in a good way. Unbeknownst to me, he had already checked out of our marriage. So that Saturday morning August 2015 I could sense things were awkward. I said lets go for a ride or do something. He said lets go out on the balcony, I have something to tell you. That's when he dropped the bomb that he was leaving. I joke about his choice of a place to tell me as I could have easily tossed him off the balcony. He had been friendly with one of our tenants & on several occasions I told him I was uncomfortable with that. He said they were just friends. Well, guess who he started seeing the day he left me? HER! It makes me sick & I obsess about it everyday! He was a decent husband. Hard worker. Provided a comfortable life for us. But now I am finding out things about him that put him in a different light. I believe him to be a liar & a sneak. Your site hit the nail on the head. You are right about all your blog said. I know I have to move on but sadly part of me wants him back! I hate the fact that he is with someone else and ironically she is 8 years younger than him. I'm 58 and starting over. Thought I'd be sailing into my comfortable golden years. NOT!

  • Comment Link Sayphone hazell Monday, 30 May 2016 21:33 posted by Sayphone hazell

    Hi thank you for you support I leave the bigger thinking to do right now I need help from every one inworld. I am Asian lady lived in Queensland Australia I live with my partner since 2008 he was devoiced Iwheni meet him,we love eachother, year 2013 we when holiday. In Laos. Country to visit home town, and happy. On the way back home I was check on internet faced book gess was I saw, I saw a 20 years old girl sit down custom my husband hold. On had eachother and put the cheek together said they love eachother. I tears now my partner contact her every day and asked he want to marry herald bring her home and he want me to give her a job if I don't do what he said he will destroy our relationship. My heart is breaking. Now that young girl applied for holiday visa she fail one time and she is trying again and my partner when behind my back borrow money from his relative in Brisbane and to pay for finance visa, I can't stop him and he. Sign the form for them to fill, he didn't have money to support me but he did that to me I work in the farm support myself I am 51 years old, we have a talk each time we talk he get angry and he said he want to sleep with that girl and he want me to be his second wife as well and I must help him to. Sports her to be in Australia. I love him, my heart is broke, my questions is I the girl is humong, ny partner is humong and I am an Australian citizen, the girl is Hmong girl and my part new dint have relationship, yet but the girl promise him if she get to go to Australia she will sleep with him regular while he is sleeping with me and she is demanding home to to go rent the house for her. I am visit home in Thailand because of my nan is sick in Thailand for at the moment my partner and that girl trying holiday visa to go to Australia while I not home. Should Australian immigration stop her she only using him to get to Australian. My partner want me to go back home so she can work they are very forcing me he still said he want two wife in the house. He is 56 years old by the time that girl get visa she will turn 21 he claims that she is got boy friends but now she but no money she need my partner to take her to Australia by using her see change. Please help me any body somebody. I still love him we still lived together. Some thus hmong woman known as taking someone husband without the shame, they can sleep together in one man I have seen in Brisbane and now they go to can get centreline money as a single mom with many children wile we are paying tax. They last name same name of the girl that want to come to my home in Australia I am not happy at all for this people continued doing it and government let them. I have been divided have two children this is my new partner. I love he said he still love me.i just need to know that is legal for any man to do that besides I want to talk to this girl what is her purposes to continue to do this and dose she very kno that I am his partner. I am going back home to Australia the end of this month I hope I hope Australian government help me to stop her, my partner don't even have money to pay the bill and the depth that he try to do pay the paperwork he using our Woking money in our farm to support her I don't have we are trying to grow basil for living, to pay for her document we cannot afford. I don't know what els he is hidden from me what I knew in some point this young girl also his relative because we are not marry so he can use the term off partner to get her to Australi. Or I don't know for sure. I so confused and need help from the God or angel or government to work it out for me I am very grateful. Your sincerely. Please give me I dea what to do. My partner and I don't have money at the moment he is continuing borrowed money from his friends more than 10,000 dollars already to prepare for this girl. He doesn't want to live me. I am confused to tally. Don't know what to do. i don't want to be in depth and take responsibility for this young girl that I never know her plus she is disloyed my family. My partner did not tell her the truth that we are together either he said he was worry that she will go back to her boyfriend. He either way he trick her and tricks me I think. I am very upset about this situation. I crying every da y since. i hope immigration have the policy to investigate and stop this young girl come to Australia, it s more happening that I hea especially isin Asian countries. Is epidemics having affairs you can call that too.

  • Comment Link Sunday, 29 May 2016 18:54 posted by

    I want to write about how I feel when my partner of 46 years left me for woman of 40 and he is 74 I am heartbroken, I feel bereaved and I cannot let go as I know he does not want me

  • Comment Link angryandconfused Sunday, 15 May 2016 03:49 posted by angryandconfused

    My ex has been speaking with this girl since January, our divorce was final in Feb. Now, he says he really likes her and sees how much appreciation and fun she is. The thing is/was we were still sleeping together. I told her that and she still didn't mind. He left this weekend on a trip with her but my ex and I slept together the day before he left. Should I tell her? Honestly, I am at a point of anger, revenge, and nothing positive. She knows I still Love him. And this might sound strange if I destroy the relationship it will make me feel better knowing that I destroyed their relationship. I know, low, but I am really angry at this point. Oh, and we were married for 9 years, she has no kids, and they both have PTSD, former vets.

  • Comment Link songezo Wednesday, 11 May 2016 12:06 posted by songezo

    the man who made me pregnant left me with another girl, and i gave birth to a still born child after she threatened me that if i do not leave him she will hurt me and she did just that.

  • Comment Link Jessy Saturday, 30 April 2016 01:44 posted by Jessy

    I dated my ec 8 yrs and he dumped me for a young girl...we still talk and he tells me how jealous his new girl is...I mean jelouse at who ...she's 24 yrs 42....I'm 39.....hello he betrayed me for her....that's crazy

  • Comment Link Bridgett Lewis Wednesday, 27 April 2016 01:49 posted by Bridgett Lewis

    I was with a man for 14 years, unmarried, we didn't live there, but he really seems to love me, and my daughter and my extended family. Very encouraging, supportive and prayed for me and we talked at least 5 times a day. I went out of town with my sisters for a couple of days, got back and he told me it was over. I found out from his son, he decided to get back with his ex, his children mom and they are getting married. I was so good, supportive, encouraging and down with this man 14 years, why would he do this too me, I'm heartbroken, crushed, and soooooo devastated...

  • Comment Link So much happier! Monday, 18 April 2016 22:56 posted by So much happier!

    Try to move on. Don't let your mind play tricks on you. Your brain let's you know its over but your heart tells you different. Guy/ girl both lose feelings for you before they tell you its over. 1st cut off communication until YOUR ready! Trust and believe there is no such thing as co-parenting in the beginning If EVER! Slowly you will see them for the trash they are. That will give confidence when your able to see that. Start putting God first and treating yourself. Soon those assholes will be a lost memory .I thought I wanted my loser ex. What the situation taught me was a believed a lie. I'm very careful about who I let in now. But I am way more happier. I promise you feel like your dying and the world is ending. It is a mind fuck! BUT YOU WILL BE OK!!!!!

    From a person 12 years post divorce

  • Comment Link Trish Sunday, 17 April 2016 12:27 posted by Trish

    Thank you for your article it home in a lot of places about my life and my pending divorce. It is hard to not know the person you spent 25 years of your life with and who has decided he needed greener grass. We have adult children and he has cast them aside as well as he needs to make his relationship work with this woman without negative reinforcements from his kids. I believe God wanted me to read your article. Thank you.

  • Comment Link Farnsworth Friday, 01 April 2016 16:36 posted by Farnsworth

    In 2014 I had breast cancer surgery. After gruelling radiation I noticed Trashbag was sleeping with his phone. After I felt better I went for phone. He punched me in my cancer breast. He then went to work and never came back. He ran off 500 miles away to lowellville, Ohio with a deputy sheriff he met and had 10,455 texts on LinkedIn. I had no idea where he was. He told me until he punched me 5x a day he loved me. I filed for divorce immediately. He refused to be served papers. He then came with a bunch of cops tried to clean me out. Took all tags to vehicles. I couldn't even go to my 6 month cancer checkup at Fox Chase Cancer. The doctors said he did me worse than dog. We still aren't divorced cause he's ignoring all of the interoggatories and discovery. He hasn't come to one hearing. 22 years and poof gone.

    Trashbag came to me 22 years ago with Trashbags and a car and it's exactly how he left.

    I'm devistated...

  • Comment Link S Thursday, 31 March 2016 17:33 posted by S

    I just said this exact argument today

  • Comment Link Usagima Sunday, 27 March 2016 11:43 posted by Usagima

    We are different. My wife left me after 15 yrs and I was devastated. After 9 months I started seeing someone. We were both in a similar place and in the end decided it was too soon. What I didn't get was the level of my ex wife's hurt because I 'moved on' so soon. She didn't want me but someone else couldn't have me? It as if I was expected to cherish our time together and wallow in some sense of fond tragedy. Most women around me thought it was too soon, most men said good for you. A further 9 months on and we are amicable to the point of me giving her a hug when she got upset about the enormity of divorce. We are all different and we all have lessons to learn. We can't learn them all at once.

  • Comment Link Doris moore Wednesday, 16 March 2016 07:05 posted by Doris moore

    well maybe your right after 20 yrs still hurts. I didn't move on. I stayed. I raised my kids without there father. not easy. and he moves o . he creates another family. I suffer I do all while he goes o. and one d on. how fair is this?

  • Comment Link abrandle Tuesday, 08 March 2016 04:36 posted by abrandle

    Why would you keep sleeping with a man that clearly does not love or respect you?

  • Comment Link abrandle Tuesday, 08 March 2016 04:30 posted by abrandle

    From the stance of both an ex wife and a "new: wife of six years, you're dillusional. They really Do move on. They were unhappy probably years before ever leaving, due to feelings of responsibilities and guilt, but they DID mourn the relationship probably during all of those years. They, like you, deserve love and happiness. If it makes you feel better to think they can't be a better man for someone else, then do so. If you have to invision him doing the same to her one day to sleep at night, then go ahead. All your article conveys is your bitterness and desperation to find an answer and place blame. I, too, have been divorced and I am remarried. I can tell you sometimes the second love is so much greater than you ever could imagine in the first. I hope one day you can experience this too. Until then, please stop comforting yourself with the lies you've conjured in your head and work on yourself, so when the RIGHT man for YOU comes along, you're ready for him! Best wishes.

  • Comment Link Mary smitn Sunday, 28 February 2016 05:35 posted by Mary smitn

    Thx u!!!!

  • Comment Link BamBam1969 Friday, 12 February 2016 13:40 posted by BamBam1969

    I just think after all this, hurt time my kids and I had to go threw. When then he leaves. To or right to another woman then that woman realizes the man you were married to throws him out. Now he is that drunk you wouldn't let him be ..Do you dust him off give him a place to live feed him for the children ..not that, that man is not in your bed ever again but like a moral duty for a fellow man ? As I have seen this with my dearest friend thinking it would never be at my door step but the steps are happening right before my eye's .for my life to seem to end up like hers did with her older drunk she married and he left. Just Like I with nothing for years. Now these yrs with nothing have became strength for her.. But the children has beg her to let him in or he'll die on them streets and he is not any kind of father for these girls but they never had him since they were little and just want you can say that warm body they can call Daddy for once ..I know my path is going in this direction ..What am I going to do when in say less then 10 yrs I am there with my Boys(as she has girls and I had boys)(after 21 yrs of married I called him in for dinner and he was gone)

  • Comment Link A humbled Heart Monday, 01 February 2016 08:03 posted by A humbled Heart

    My husband of 8 years walked out on me and are three precious lil girls. He left me for his first girlfriend before me. He left me back in April of 2015 its now been about 9 months we been seperated i filed for divorce in july the pain and hurt i suffered was so painful especially because i was a stay at home mom and our youngest child was only 8 months my middle child was 2 and my eldest 7 its been a rough road i have become stronger i still have days of missing my family but i know in my heart its over and i will never go back to him all im saying is keep faith and believe in God and i believe we will all get through it dont give up on yourselves because we are worthy woman

  • Comment Link Rena Sunday, 03 January 2016 19:41 posted by Rena

    I feel exactly what your saying I've been in a six year relationship and from what my ex saids is that he was unhappy the whole time now after knowing this new woman for two months he saids he loves her but he still has sex with me almost everyday and we live together but he saids that he's never felt like this before about anyone the way he feels about her and she has three chilies and she's going threw a divorce herself

  • Comment Link Rue Wednesday, 23 December 2015 17:43 posted by Rue

    My ex husband started cheating on me 2 years ago with a another girl and before I knew it he was not sleeping home and I ended up leaving. Two weeks down the line the other girl moved in. Moreover she has advised him not to contact me regarding anything including any story regarding our two year old daughter. The girl drives his car and checks all message in his phone something which he never allowed me to do. If you see him his face has changed he is now acting like he got a demon or something. His eyes are always red and he now looks pretty scary. I think that girl gave him a love portion or something. The girl even tried to poison my daughter when she visited during the weekends. I am so heartbroken and I am just going to pray until God hears my prayer. anyone who have experienced this is not alone...what goes around will find its way back.

  • Comment Link Taleah Saturday, 19 December 2015 01:12 posted by Taleah

    What's crazy is my husband said he felt like a hamster on a wheel and I guess I didn't know that he checked out way before me it's crazy how married men really jump into other relationships when they still have baggage I guess that's why women are smarter than men

  • Comment Link Dawn Tuesday, 15 December 2015 04:21 posted by Dawn

    As a woman who was cheated on and left for the other woman I find a few of the sentiments here to be over the top. For instance to say that your husband is all bad and poor you. No. I own part of the demise of my relationship. I didn't realize he checked out way before he left. I retrospect I was so caught up in me and my life I ignored him and his changing heart.

    Is he a duplicitous jerk??? Yes!!! But, to say that I'm going to move on and grow to be a better person than he is foolish. He isn't an evil man just a human behaving badly. I didn't hook up with an idiot. I hope he learns from his actions, maybe how not to be a hurtful, sneaky partner.

    I don't own his cheating, so don't misunderstand. But since we were, at one time, deeply in love I should have realized that not shaving my legs, not being into sex..honestly, I did it as a duty, spending money like crazy....I didn't drive him to infidelity but my actions gassed up the vehicle he left in.

    I'm devastated. I'm lost. I an empty. He's a ba$trd but I did nothing to keep him other than rely on his commitment and principles. It's a mistake I'll never make again.

  • Comment Link Bonnie Tuesday, 08 December 2015 07:43 posted by Bonnie

    I am having very difficult time to the point of and this is no joke, I have been sleeping with a lot of men, making sure that I stay completely under the influence of drugs and alcohol because the pain of my husband leaving me for a 28 yr old is too much too bear- way too much. I go through my wedding album and Im really afraid that I will die of a broken heart. I read the article, it is helpful, I just wish there was a way to handle this pain, it feels like a death and I miss him so much, my family are desperately trying to help me, im trying to move hurts a lot.

    Thank you

  • Comment Link Lorna Saturday, 05 December 2015 22:31 posted by Lorna

    Hi, thanks for this article its so true to my situation and I feel so much better for having read it. . My husband left me after 27 years of marriage for a woman he met in a motor cycle group. He left with no warning saying he was in love - She is 50 with no kids, never been married and now my kids wont even acknowledge their father - I hope she was worth it, somehow I think not.

  • Comment Link donna white Monday, 30 November 2015 00:47 posted by donna white

    My boyfriend of 23 years just left me a month ago for a women who is married with 4 children she hasn't left her husband but they see each other at work and text i luv every night she is the same age as our daughter he just turned 56 I'm so hurt over this because he wants me as a friend what can i do .

  • Comment Link Gary Friday, 27 November 2015 01:32 posted by Gary

    What? You think this is only a man thing? I've been married twice and during those marriages both women declared their undying love for me. I'd say "What would you do if I died?" and they'd give answers like "I'd probably stay alone forever." Forever?!! My first wife of fourteen years remarried 7 months after our divorce became final. My second wife of seven years remarried two months after our divorce became final. So don't think that's a problem that's singular to men alone.

  • Comment Link Donna Walters Monday, 09 November 2015 09:42 posted by Donna Walters

    It is now 3am. I checked our bank account only to see that he took her to PF Changs and Zara clothing store, leaving himself broke. GOD lead me to this article, you cannot imagine how it has helped me. I am going through it, and I am waiting for my break through. I just need to be patient with myself.

    I thank you for bringing hope to my life at 52 years old soon to be 53!

  • Comment Link Melly Monday, 02 November 2015 06:11 posted by Melly

    My estranged husband moved out & within 2 weeks he was texting someone. Before he even told me our marriage was over he was with her. They're now basically living together & he's only been gone 5 months.
    I made sure she found out he was married but since she doesn't seem to care I hope they both get what's coming to them.

  • Comment Link alison Saturday, 31 October 2015 14:30 posted by alison

    Thanks for this article. sad to see how many of us have the same story, but am glad to read that there is hope for happiness.

  • Comment Link Anntine Saturday, 17 October 2015 17:54 posted by Anntine

    Great article, you described my life. It was helpful, thank you.

  • Comment Link Diane M. Szytz Friday, 25 September 2015 03:08 posted by Diane M. Szytz

    Thank you so much for this great article - it is my life to a tee.

  • Comment Link Yolanda Monday, 07 September 2015 15:05 posted by Yolanda

    This post was really helpful. My husband recently divorced me and announced after 30 days that he's has a girlfriend. The pain from this has made everything harder to bear. So thanks for posting this message for all women that are experiencing this hurt. Much prayer and love to these women. We can be better and do better than our cheating ex's.

  • Comment Link Maribel Friday, 19 June 2015 02:33 posted by Maribel

    My soon to be ez husband left me for a woman 7 years older than me. We are on 23 and 24. We have two kids 2 and 5 months it is literally runing me. I filed for divorce bc I had enough and only way he will pay child support... I still love him so much but I can love him from afar he has ruined me and I let him he walked out on us it is the hardest thing to go through personally and idk if they will last considerj g he was in love with her after a couple of weeks knowing her but I fell in love with him since day one I told all my friends I knew in my hear I would marry him one day.. So idk I been questioning my faith everything will us be at the end type of thing. I started my couseling today and I learned just take it one day at a time and have faith pray buy leave in Gods hands and trust in him before anyone else.

  • Comment Link kelley wilson Thursday, 04 June 2015 06:15 posted by kelley wilson

    my husband had a wondering eye,& online porn addition since day 1. after a 5 year relationship and 2 years of marriage, he walked out on anniversary day. found another girl (17!) and jumped into bed w/her 6 days after walking out on me. he is 10 years older than her, and in ca, his actions constitute rape of a child. yet thru it all, i still love this man. i feel destroyed, and ashamed @ the same time: how can i love a person who did this to me? lied to me for 5 years? i thank all of you for sharing your stories, you are all so brave. may God keep you close to his heart today and always ^_^

  • Comment Link tam Friday, 22 May 2015 04:53 posted by tam

    To all of us,who ate the victims of being abandoned, we will survive,yes it hurts like heck I've been cheated on by my younger b.f. sense day one,after talking to his fling I found out he did things to her that he did not do to me sexual. It made me have all type of self esteem issues on top of him leaving me, its been two months he hasn't called or TeX he hasn't even checked on our 1 year old son. Yes its crazy yes I went over all the things ppl go through after being left,I think of him and her everyday y I jus doo, what's awesome is the word of God we will survive

  • Comment Link A Friday, 08 May 2015 23:19 posted by A

    Thanks i need to hear that my husband & i lived together 10 yrs. Married 26 yrs. We are both disfunctional in a sense we separated a year ago he g got another women in 3 months now she talking devorce he wont talk he is an alcaholic how should i feel

  • Comment Link Lily Sunday, 12 April 2015 14:07 posted by Lily

    Omg......all ur stories so similar to ex had affair ...and suspect more than one...even prostitutes...don't even go there!!!lies lies lies...even when he was found out...over 20 yrs of marriage and bullshit...wish I had the courage to leave sooner...and yes u guessed it....blames it all on poor kids have been through hell and back....but he just moved on with yet another woman(right after the affair partner)omg....

  • Comment Link Want my joy back Thursday, 26 March 2015 20:37 posted by Want my joy back

    That's my problem also. I've been divorce 13 years and it seems that the other women not only got my husband but my kids too. My kids spend most of the time with my ex and call my daughter her daughter. In feel she got the thing I valued most, my family. My kids don't respect me as their mother. They say I never did anything but give them a roof over their heads. I worked to jobs even when I was married. I struggled when I got divorced and I'm still struggling. I get angry because they are doing so well and happy and I still struggling and miserable. My ex never paid support and a constant basis. How do I move on and get my joy back. 13 years is a long time to miserable!!!!!!!!

  • Comment Link Tanja Tomlin Friday, 13 March 2015 11:11 posted by Tanja Tomlin

    Hello I have only been separated from my husband 4 month ago after being with him for 20 years. He left and only after a month got together with another woman. I really have no problem with that, my problem is that he got my kids involved with her after only two weeks of seeing her. They are now together for three month and she is part of my kids life. Because every time they go to him she is there. Now I have not just lost my husband and his family ( who stopped all contacts) I as well have to deal with my kids talking about her all the time. It is a lot to take in. I am strong most of the time but it cuts deep thinking that another woman is so close to my kids. How can I deal with this ?

  • Comment Link diANA Saturday, 07 March 2015 04:19 posted by diANA


  • Comment Link griselda Saturday, 03 January 2015 23:37 posted by griselda

    This divorce is taking everything in me. I have to be strong and not breakdown, I cant afford it. Ihave a one yr old who needs me. This man has movwd on so quickly and it hurts. While my daughter sleeps I cry. It is the only time I have to grieve on this. I fought for this marriage but I also feel he had emotionally left a while back. It hurts but I have to accept reality. I am working on loving myself, I have this self esteem issue now I have to fix. So many mixes emotions so many things going through my head like short movies trying to figure out where I wenr wrong. But, it wasnt my fault, he just didnt love me as much as I loves him.

  • Comment Link Anonymous Monday, 29 December 2014 22:15 posted by Anonymous

    I must post this. 25 years later the ex wife of my partner is still the same, except it is the grandchildren now instead of the children who have been subjected to nasty comments and poisonous digs. Hats off to her hubby for suffering 20years+

  • Comment Link Salena Friday, 12 December 2014 05:05 posted by Salena

    What about if he tells you he has been over you for the past four years and finally decided to make the move, and has moved on with another woman. Is it still possible that he hasn't really stop hurting from his relationship.
    P.s thanks for writing this it helped me a lot! My guy left after 10 years and two kids later. My children and I got evicted, he said he sabotaged the eviction, he moved on fell in love and it's only been 6 months, he met the girl in July, my children and I moved out on july30, he told me I was not intimate or passionate and he was miserable for years. He also said to shit happens, and if someone was to love me intimately he has absoultly no feelings what's oh ever for me. My world, heart, was crushed and I'm sitting here like wow. This is the first time we broke up in ten years. Thankyou

  • Comment Link tim Friday, 05 December 2014 17:16 posted by tim

    How about the men that are going through this

  • Comment Link Louise Tuesday, 25 November 2014 16:05 posted by Louise

    So true well said, small changes and take it day by day and stick up for your self we are worth it even though it seems hard try to be happy some times make plans be with people that care and allow grieving time as well

  • Comment Link Sarah Bilyeu Sunday, 09 November 2014 14:46 posted by Sarah Bilyeu

    I left my husband for good after 10 years together (3 1/2 married). I truly love him with all my heart and didn't leave him because I didn't love him. I think he has narcissistic tendencies, hes emotionally immature, and I could never reach him. I was way more invested into the marriage than he was. He acted very surprised when I left even though he told me every other day he wished I would just get the fck out. He wouldn't hold down a steady job, even though I did. His mother paid his bills for him because he has been trying to "get back on his feet" for 25 years now. I did a check on his annual income and for the last 25 years he has never made more than $20,000.00 in a year. However we bought a home together using my credit, and I cosigned on a vehicle for him because again, he had no work credibility. So I've been gone for 5 months and he's tried to get me to come back, things will change, blah blah. Words don't work for me anymore. I wanted him to really fight for me to show me I'm important enough to work this out. Instead he just gave up. The neighbors tell me he's hiding some woman in our home and it appears she has 2 small children. This makes NO sense because he doesn't like kids. He has nothing to do with his own child who is now 19. I have loved, forgave, overcome and tolerated so much with this man and I'm struggling with how in the world can he just give up on me so easily and move on with another woman so easily? I am a good honest loving woman. I guess I keep hoping for an aha moment when he realizes he doesn't want to lose me and he'll move mountains in order not to. How long do you think this other woman will last, given he's probably taking all his issues into this relationship as well? We had been staying in contact thru texting, and I went to see him a couple of times, up until a week ago when this woman appeared out of no where. Now when he texts me its something short and cold. Help me, I'm obsessing over this. Everything has to be the way he wants it to be, its all or nothing, no inbetween or compromise.

  • Comment Link jackie Saturday, 01 November 2014 04:50 posted by jackie

    Hello, I'm jackie , I'm 50 yes. Old and my boyfr. And I have been together over 15 years.... OK I already had a few problems some years ago but nothing serious,serious. Until in 2012 I moved n with him and I always go to church, I would do so much for him like a wife would do, I had his back. Actually in 2006 he had started accusing me but I would just shine that on until it really got serious... Beginning of 2013 he started really accusing me being with men... So I moved out march/2013 and the end of April I text him from work one day and a woman replied to my text from his phone.. And she told me she was his woman..smh. And O'LORD, when I heard that I amediatley had to leave work, I was hurt, very hurt!! I started calling him Crying n crying to him, I felt like idk I was Really down!! I quickly Lost 50 pounds in 2 weeks...yes! I went back and forth to him..smh. And all this time he had been lying to me telling me he wasn't with her and come to find out he was with her, on and on I went through this.. He kept breaking my heart by just lying to me all the way up to Oct/12/2014 when u caught the woman inside his house..Yess!! So I have not spoken to him since that Day!! Its going on 3 weeks now and I'm doing well by the encouragemnt through church and the word of God. I am still hurttand I do still find myself Crying at times but I am really holding on. He really Dogged Me.

  • Comment Link bert Saturday, 20 September 2014 12:12 posted by bert

    thank you for writting this it makes ne feel so not alone. my husband of 29 years decided to leave and moved in with his new very younger woman pretty much immediatly. he left me totaly broken broke and homeless, has the entire last 29 years been a lie?
    in a way now almost a year ago im starting to feel ok i truely beleive men just have no idea of the damage they leave. My husband cut not onloy me off but also our children. He wont speak to them and thats the hardest part. Why why why would they beleive its ok to do this?

  • Comment Link linabel del villar Wednesday, 10 September 2014 05:03 posted by linabel del villar

    thank you so much for this advice ..i was with my ex partner for 2 yrs and we lived together he always assumed of me cheating on him and was very very overprotective of me ..we where always on and off until one day he met another woman behind my back and told me i had to leave the house ..she would call his phone at 6am every morning to wake him up for work..he used me and told me he still loved me even if we where apart ..we would have sex even not being together parents had to come pick me up and packed my stuff in garbage bags because the night before i left i answered his phone while he was sleeping and it was her ..she cursed me out and i told her who i was and she said she knows who i am ..its sad to see some woman that know that a guy has his girlfriend and they will still date them …I'm really really hurt I'm doing the no contact and its been a week since we haven't spoken …any advice please help me :/ u think he will even come back and say he is sorry ?

  • Comment Link Shona Wednesday, 27 August 2014 18:35 posted by Shona

    I was in a 5 year relationship w/ my ex and he came into my life after a bad break up w/ my first child's father who cheated while deployed in Iraq and my baby was 2 years old at that time. His father just left and never came back. I put my trust in my ex after I thought I couldn't trust anyone again. We had a son together who i now 2 years old, my oldest 7. He'd been raising my oldest as his own.. We were looking for a new home together and then a week later he broke up w/ me in March of this year again after 5 years out of the blue one weekend after we were just together as a family. The next weekend we went to a wedding for his sister and he was with a women he cheated on me w/ 2 years prior. I was devestated because i didn't even know why we broke up and I saw him w/this woman so appartently he had been still cheating the last 2 years and his sis and mother knew the whole time. (the woman was is mother's co-worker) I was embrassed, humilated and just so hurt. 2 months later he got married to her. I'm so hurt and I cried so hard for a month I was completely depressed after they got married and I have not been able to get over it as it's only been 5 months. He doesn't want anything to do w/ my oldest son anymore and he only see's our son 2 times a month w/ no attempt to help me financially, just filed for child support and he's 3 mos behind and he will not talk to me shows no respect or concern for my feelings. How can a man i was with for that long treat me and my kids like that. He even has my baby calling his wife mommy and says he sees nothing wrong with it because she is his wife not his girlfriend. I don't have anything to do with his famuly anymore because I feel so betrayed by them almost as equally as my ex. I have really bad days when it's all I can think about and I try to put on a smile everyday but inside I am so broken up i just want to cry. He was my best friend and I talked to him about everything and somedays i just want to call him but I know that I can't. I can't stand to look at him when I have to exchange our son, we say no words to each other. He treats me as if I did something to him. Maybe because at the wedding he was just as embrassed because the church had no idea that we were even seperated and he showed up with this woman, yet he sat right next to her and had my boys over there w/ him and her while I was sitting on the other sid trying not to cause a scene and it was just a horrible day for me. He left me w/ no job and I had to stay w/ my family for until I was able to move on my own 3 months ago. I am doing everything on my own w/ no help from him. I do want to have hope and believe someone out there will treat me and my boys the way we deserve to be treated and love us unconditionally it's really hard to believe but I'm trying everyday to regain my faith and my trust in men.

  • Comment Link lovely Tuesday, 12 August 2014 22:42 posted by lovely

    Two years ago, I met a man who charmed me by telling me about his horrible relationship with his ex-wife. He had been married for 15 years. He met her with a child and helped her raise her child while she goes to school. She never had a child for him because of a medical condition she has, but he continue to support her and loving her. I felt sorry for him. To fast forward, 15 years later, she cheated. He left the relationship and moved on with his life. Well, when I met him, I told him how I never want to date a marry man. he told me how he has divorced this woman. He now wants his owen family and has put everything behind him. I encourage him to take some time and work on himself but he convinced me that he had moved out about a year and half a go and has gotten over all of his issues. He promised me marriage, love and everything a decent woman would want from a man. He told me he was an engineer and graduated from college and own part of the company he was working for. Few months later, I found out I was pregnant, he encourage me to keep the pregnancy and was very supportive during the pregnancy. I moved into his house and we continue to live together, thats when the truth began to come out. He was still in contact with his ex-wife and his stepchild. He will constantly compare me to his step-daughter. He told me our relationship was minute compare to the one he has with his wife. I started to question myself. Has time went on, he started ignoring my concerns. For example his friends will make derogatory comments toward me and when I bring it up to him, he will ignore it or say nothing at all. When his family made comment like, are you sure she is carrying your child, he could not even defend me. Then I found out he never went to college let alone be an engineer, the company he works for he has no share in it. He lied about his citizenship and he has not even file his divorce paper. I was furious, angry and disappointed at my self for believing him. I was mad that he disregarded my values about dating a marry man. I stayed in the relationship because of my unborn child. When my child arrived, that when the physical abuse started. If I say something he did not like he will threaten to hit me and went through with it few times. He took over $10000 from me. Some of these money I borrowed him and some of the money was to start a business after he convinced me that he is good at business and at some point, he owned his own restaurant. The money he never invested it in the business instead when I asked about the money, he stated he has used it for personal problems without my consent. After that, the fight never stops. He kicked me out of the house few times with our 4 weeks old child. I finally moved back home with my family. He started dating a new girl without even letting me know. To fast forward, he later told me that his new woman came to his restaurant that he owned now by himself with tears and begging him to date her. Since I refused to help him with the restaurant he has not choice but to date this girl and get some help he said. Few weeks later she moved in with him. She was abused in her home country and have a child who is living with her brother. She is now his bartender and promoter on facebook. I felt bad for believing all the lies about his ex-wife and taking my self through the route of having his child. I am trying to forget him though I have no love for him anymore, I find myself crying when I think about how he treated and abused me, and went into a new relationship without even thinking about is child. I thank God that even though I am still hurt but I will not be his victim anymore. Two days ago, he came to see his child after three months of not seeing her. He forced me to go for lunch and physically lifted me up into his car. I cam back down and told him no, I will not go. I have tried to warn his new girlfriend but it only led to a fight. I pray that she does not have to go through what I went through.

  • Comment Link NL Monday, 14 July 2014 02:24 posted by NL

    I am so lost, but I am trying to stay strong for my children. My husband left me for another woman, and did it one night. We have a nineteen year old son, and a sixteen year old daughter who are very hurt. He left and moved right in with the other woman, and her two kids. He is very happy with them, and does not even realize that my children are distraught. He was a good dad, and they lost him in a day. They are left here to handle everything, and he will send a text here and there. I don't understand this. I am staying strong because I love my two children more than life myself. How does someone who would do anything for their kids do this, and when he explains this to them he tells them he needed to do it for him. I am lost, does anyone have any good advice. She is a liar, and called and harassed me, and denies it.

  • Comment Link nick Monday, 07 July 2014 01:30 posted by nick

    My husband left me after 20 yrs for a girl who is 10 years younger then him.. Since he left he will not even speak to me, ad if I'm the worse person on earth.. I have done nothing wrong and have been left to take care of our 3 children... In his life today he seems happier then he ever was with me, I'm very heart heavy with this and just want the closure I feel I deserve.. I have got none of that, I don't even know what I did so wrong to deserve such treatment.. He is a person who I have no idea who he is, I don't know this man.. I want to know when the reality will set in, or will it never set in, when will I receive an apology I have yet to get... To him the grass in emerald green now.. Its just sad.

  • Comment Link LR Saturday, 05 July 2014 22:37 posted by LR

    They don't change and are not different with their new loves. They just may fit better.

    Just know you don't have to be treated like that. You didn't do anything wrong.

    Lastly, don't assume they are happy either. Think about all those relationships that ended in divorce you were surprised to hear about. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

  • Comment Link Scott Thursday, 03 July 2014 21:11 posted by Scott

    Well I was stay at home ad (her choice) for 6 years and raised our 2 children now 3 & 6 while she built her business. As soon as the youngest started school and I was needed so much at home I was $500 and told to get out. Now she's 34 with great business and doing great and I'm 48 and have been out of the work force and working constantly to make ends meet. She won't let me see the children because she says she's afraid I won't bring them back and she'll have no legal re-course until the divorce is final. I guess my point is that it's not only men who can lose or never get that moral compass and statistics show that it's women who initiate the divorce more than men now.

  • Comment Link Hazel Wednesday, 02 July 2014 13:24 posted by Hazel

    I am so touched by everyone's thoughts and all I can think is that these amazing ladies are the biggest heroes in life. We have all endured betrayal at its deepest levels and are here to speak up and speak the Truth - I so admire everyone (except Steve) the one male who has proven exactly what we are saying - his needs, his wants, his infidelity, his happiness. A true narcissist. I have almost finished my book that evidences childhood trauma unhealed explodes at some point of these very emotionally disabled men and once they change 'overnight' they are narcissists, psychopaths or sociopaths. There is an emotional void in them that cannot ever be filled after their childhood trauma resurfaces. They are not only confused and amoral but there is simply no understanding in them anymore of what fidelity, loyalty, commitment, genuine love or putting another first means.

    When the pain is healed and we know we are loved and we are worthy and it's nothing to do with us but everything to do with their crisis and their personality disorders in full view = this has been a blessing in disguise for us and for our children.

    In Australia, my husband bought (proven that he pays her $500 per week) his whore of ten weeks to his divorce against me and Australian Courts allow this. She had more rights that day than I did. It will get alot worse before it gets better in the world.

    He has told me he is ashamed, he regrets it, he behaved like a dog, he felt wrong being with her but he forced himself to (for lust). Narcissists know what they are doing but they have no impulse control or any genuine feelings of love. Their version of love is what they get out of it when genuine love is actually what we can do for another.

    These men and the whores that want them in the moment for their income or their reasonable looks don't have any genuine love either and their selfishness will prevail. They probably all belong together and there is no genuine love there, no matter what they say or do - they are all 'in the moment' of their own selfish desperate needs.

    Even our children will be healthier and happier because of the limited/no contact with a parent who is mentally ill. Happiness comes from within and when we go 'searching' for it, we've already lost the point. Men who are 'unhappy' is their own doing but when we are unhappy it is because we're going through trauma and severe distress over their inhumanity to treat someone they said they loved in such abusive ways.

    The best healing I have found is gratitude. It is impossible to worry and have gratitude at the same time. When I make a coffee, I'm grateful and when I go into the shower, I'm grateful and everything I do all day I am grateful. I took very very tiny baby steps and some weeks or months I cycled back to sadness or to anger or to hatred and that's a healthy normal emotional process. Don't ever bury any of your feelings, you are entitled to them but observe them and like a storm, they will pass. Pat yourself on the back and comfort yourself often because you are the true heroes.

    My thoughts are with you and your children and for the lives you create with the unconditional love that remains in your Family.

  • Comment Link Brenda gutierrez Sunday, 29 June 2014 00:13 posted by Brenda gutierrez

    My comment is to Tracy. I feel your pain and its almost exactly the same situation. We were together over twelve years. He adopted my two sons when they were one and six. Completely ignored me treated me like a maid wouldn't go to church with me. As romantic as a beanbag chair. Then he leaves me for a woman from his past. I gave him everything including house I had. Now she's living in it. Sitting on my furniture riding around in my car. And hes going to the church with her that I begged him to go to for years. Two months after our divorce final he marries her!!! The pastor knowing he had cheated on me and I didn't want a divorce. I am forty-five and alone living back with my parents feeling like a complete lower and fool.

  • Comment Link kathie Friday, 27 June 2014 21:15 posted by kathie

    my ex marry someone 17 years younger then him after bringing her over from another country we had 4 kids together she had 1 n then they have a child I keep hopping that there marriage is not going to last he jump right into there marriage I know I need to move on but I'm having a hard time doing so

  • Comment Link Melanie Tuesday, 17 June 2014 06:26 posted by Melanie

    Wow! I can relate to every word in your article. I have been divorced for three and a half years and I feel I am now starting to find my old self and feel comfortable in my sink again. Its still painful thinking about my EX but I hope in time the pain will go away. He started cheating on the girl he left me for after two years and started having an affair with a married women. Now after breaking up her marriage they have moved in together straight away. Do they ever learn and step back to think?

    I am 50 now and would like someone new in my life. Not so easy to meet someone at my age but I tell nysef every day that Mr Right is out there. I just hope he's one of the good ones :) after 25 years of marriage to someone who obviously didn't love me I hope I can find someone who does...

  • Comment Link Mary Martin Thursday, 29 May 2014 07:39 posted by Mary Martin

    Michele Almon search support groups and check out the infidelity forum. They have been so very helpful to me.

  • Comment Link michele Almon Friday, 16 May 2014 15:14 posted by michele Almon

    I was with my husband for 14 years came home and he had a woman in our home while my 6 year old daughter was there and 3 year old son, I lost it :( I know he didnt plan on getting caught because he hid our wedding pictures off the wall. I guess he was see this girl down at his mothers for a week and took her to my home while I was at work. He left me and my kids and 5 months ago, and it get better my story he said she couldnt have kids due to cancer well shocker shes prego and almost 5 months so. I'm a mess I hate him for what he done to his family and her too. I would never take him back but cant wait till the day it back fires so I can laugh at him and slam the door in his face. I cant stop thinking of him it hurts not going to lie and when he sends me emails saying how sexy she is and how nice and how she treats him good. I know hes only saying this to get to me and it does. I HATE! HIM! wish I could just forget about him and move the hell on but he wont tell me why he done it. This is when I wish I had family to talk to or someone who is going through the same thing or had gone threw so they can give me advice :(

  • Comment Link Robin Thursday, 15 May 2014 19:31 posted by Robin

    Wow! Everything you said I am feeling. I am so sorry you had to go through that as well. It is a pain almost indescribable. The obsession is self-destructive. Wondering why and how and wanting to fill in all the blanks is time consuming and so unhealthy. It has only been right at two months since my husband abandoned my daughter and I. I am already doing so much better. God has got me to where I am right now and I am going to keep putting my faith and trust in Him until I am completely restored. He never promised it would be easy but he did say we would never go alone. Hang in there ladies!!

  • Comment Link tryingtobewise Saturday, 10 May 2014 17:32 posted by tryingtobewise

    Me again! I remembered something... Women should chose a man who has a mission of his own, a passion for something that occupies his mind and fills his heart with a sense of joy. If a woman choses a man who doesn't have that she will find that he will devote himself to her and the relationship more than he should and she will feel like she is running the show. That will make her happy, of course, but the risk of him finding another "boss" to ensure his happiness is real. That seems to happens to men who put all their energy into women rather than other pursuits.

  • Comment Link tryingtobewise Saturday, 10 May 2014 17:02 posted by tryingtobewise

    Hi everyone. I thought about this subject a lot over the years. I saw how male colleagues made themselves available to me even though I wasn't interested in them. In many cases I knew their partners and they were nice girls. A male friend recently told me that I was right about men being cheats because they have plenty of opportunity. If the guy is good looking it is dead easy. If he has a good career it is even easier. I was shocked to see how many women (even married ones) were making themselves totally available when a friend announced he was getting divorced. If you think women would wait until the in ink dry on the Decree Nisi document you are wrong! As a general rule I don't go out with guys who are involved with someone else. Some women claim they didn't know the guy was married or in a tangle with another woman. I think that is naive and misleading because a woman knows when a man has a female around him. They just don't want to be blamed for anything. I came across women who chased married men, women who waited around for years and more recently women who are so forceful when they set eyes on the man that he has no choice other than leave his family. Sometimes these girls are delusional sometimes they are just bullies and want to have what they want no matter what. Remember the bully in your playground. Well that girl grows up and she respects nobody, she doesn't care little children will be hurt in the process. She seems to thinks "hey what is the problem? I love him, he loves me, he never loved his wife he says and children are very resilient so they will be ok. We have the right to be happy". This "right to be happy" so many people talk about these days is the type of happiness that I would never want for myself. The person for me will come to me “available” with his past well resolved. I always met men when they were on their own. I think the fact that I refuse to get involved with attached men makes it happen that way for me. Our getting together has to be free of pain for others because I don’t believe on building a beautiful relationship with someone if in the background there is pain for another woman or children. I don’t want such a karma. I think men and women need to understand that any evolved human being will try to make others happy first and his happiness will come as a reward afterwards. Of course this has to be genuine giving, not the type of guy or girl who married expecting the other to be the answer to everything. Apparently 90% of men who ask for a divorce have someone waiting in the wings say divorce lawyers. That tells us that in reality men are emotionally weak and convenient because if they don't have someone to lean on they can't function. It also tells us how women became a serious threat to the happiness of other women. They exploit this weakness very nicely. Women want to have what other women have. A man is happy to see his male friends happy with their partners while women tend to be jealous of other women achievements. For example a guy who has been single for a while seems less attractive to women because women tend to be more attracted to men who are already taken. The man in a relationship has being kind of "endorsed" by another female he is therefore more worthy of attention. I think it is important for women to realise that a lot of men became cheaters because it was simply easy to them, there was someone try to lure him away and he succumbed to it. Men usually succumb to it when the pressure is higher at home i.e. tired wife looking after small kids and juggling work with no much time left for the hubby. That is why I would say that women can be very opportunistic. They don’t know the full situation and how hard it might be for the wife. It really saddens me to see women waiting in the wings with a head full of dreams while the man's wife/partner is going through a very low patch. It actually breaks my heart. Why can't a woman provide a man who is whining about his wife/partner support without the sex? Why is it that women have to see the man as someone to take home/to bed? Sometimes a man just needs a shoulder to cry on, or approval, they don’t always ask for sex and when they want it doesn’t mean we should oblige. I provided that to them in the past and told them to hold on to their wives/partners. I told them relationships always go through bad patches and they do recover if they don't get involved with anybody else. My parents have being married 56 years. They don't treat each other like a Hollywood couple but I’ve seen their love for each other. They are partners in life. I am sure my dad was sometimes bored but didn't try to resolve it the arms of another woman nor did my mum. My parents taught us to never envy what others have and never get involved with people who were already somebody else. I appreciate what they taught us but I think that Hollywood has brainwashed people into thinking that you marry your prince and you live happily ever after! From what we see is that couples stay happy until one of them gets bored or someone else steps in to help them think they can have better than what they already have. Result: nobody is happy anymore and the spread of step families with the mess it brings with it is unbelievable. So for a man to be a cheat there has to be a willing woman. It is not just his fault. A good portion of society seems to think women are just there for entertainment, free sex, laughs etc. From the moment she becomes a mother, embraces responsibility and ages she is viewed as someone who can be easily replaced. Men love it that way and women approve and feed it too. Sexism is clearly there and many times women are the sexists. If a woman marries a younger man the women are the most critical of it (although they like the example) whereas men seem to be absolutely fine with it. George Clooney's new fiance is 14 years younger than him and I haven't seem any comment on age difference in the press but they didn’t miss any opportunity to highlight the fact that Demi Moore was older than her ex husband or Madonna! Most of the time women are the ones writing these articles, not men. How come we now seem to have a breed of women who turned out to be women’s worst enemies? It seems so! I just wish more people took up the path of higher awareness and learnt more about universal laws and karma. We all need to raise above our wants and desires and try to live with integrity. In the mystical, metaphysical studies they say that when we are not sure something is good for us we need to ask these questions: "Is this good for me? Is this good for everyone else?" If the answer is "it is good for everyone else" then it will be good for me! I've learnt that this never fails and it makes total sense to me.

  • Comment Link Tracy Sumner Tuesday, 29 April 2014 21:06 posted by Tracy Sumner

    Thank you for sharing your story. I have been struggling since my divorce. My ex-husband and I were married 20 years (together for 22); he adopted my three children; raised them from ages 2, 4 & 5 (we lost our 2 babies due to tubal pregnancies); he had an affair with a married woman from our church (we were very active members for 13 years...never even missed a Sunday); that lady was an assistant to one of our pastors; I went to that Pastor (who, by-the-way, re-newed me and my ex's vows at 15 years) and told her I suspected they were having an affair; the pastor assured me that she was very close with that woman and her husband (they had been married for 18 years and he had just been diagnosed with Lukemia); so, my pastor said I didn't have anything to worry about; in the end, my ex made me believe I was crazy (I was seeing a therapist and I was on 13 different bottles of medication on a daily basis); eventually, the affair came out; is the church "family" NEVER offered me or any of our kids a phone call; the pastor supported her and him (the church fired her and he quit 5 minutes after they fired her); she and her husband got divorced in a few months; my divorce (which I gave him EVERYTHING he wanted) took almost 2 years; and he married her (the pastor that supported them married them) 2 months after our divorce was final! I went to the head pastor and asked for a meeting and asked the pastor that supported them (and had once been a close member of our whole family) because I needed an apology and some sort of understanding on her end; that pastor told me "You have hurt feelings, you need to get over it and move on" (Her exact words to me); my ex has nothing to do with our kids because they don't accept his "wife"; i had a nervous breakdown; attempted suicide; was homeless; quit my job; my kids watched it all; I am doing better now; but it has been a long, hard, painful road. I just don't understand how he could marry her and be so different with her. He was so verbally and emotionally abusive to me for the whole 22 years; made me get rid of our dogs and cats because he was "allergic" to them; now he has dogs with her! I don't understand what was so bad about me and our family that he gave us all up for her. Anyway, I hope I will heal and have the chance to find someone to really love me. I am 47 years old. I don't know if it will be too late to find a man that would want to marry me and live a life with me. GOD bless you for your story.

  • Comment Link jan boast Friday, 28 March 2014 10:51 posted by jan boast

    reading this has helped me see that ineed to think of myself more and stop beating myself up
    my husband had cheated on me with who was my best freind they are now very loved up and been liveing together 6 months
    they had a six week affair and she left her husband
    and he left me in 6 weeks they made alot of plans to start new life together to me it just seems mad

  • Comment Link Angie M Monday, 17 March 2014 19:53 posted by Angie M

    Thanks for the message. I was little for a little reassurance that I will make it thru this. I am truly struggling right now and don't know what the outcome will be. We were together 21 years, married 15. He told me about an hour before I had to leave for work at 4:30 am, that he was in love with his girlfriend that I didnt know he had. He continues to act as if and say "he didnt do anything wrong".

  • Comment Link LR Monday, 17 March 2014 01:15 posted by LR

    Steve -
    Not sure why you googled this article if you no longer feel guilty except you still feel guilty.

    You didn't go to the store and purchase a wrong item. I understand that you may have married for the wrong reasons, but you had a 2nd kid!!!!

    People need to understand what you say and do are how your kids see the world. No wonder why we have so many self centered no soul people in it. It is what we teach them.

    I never read one word where ya'll got therapy to "relate" to one another. This was solely about you and we know nothing about your ex except she is stupid and you are embarassed to be seen with her for that reason, but you obviously relate to her enough to have sex.

    I am sure this new woman thinks you are great until you aren't anymore

  • Comment Link LR Monday, 17 March 2014 01:00 posted by LR

    Wow! I was surfing the net to find someone who would be honest and not PC about why men do this. I am not trying to undermine or be negative, but I do want to point out some differences in the article I see.

    Let me please point out in regards to understanding men and women in relationships. My ex left me abruptly 11 years ago next month. Every case is
    different of course, but it wasn't about a deteriorating relationship. When we got the internet he became addicted. He trolled around unsavory sites.

    My ex is a sociopath. He only truly loves himself. He has learned like Pavlov's dogs, how to manipulate people to get what he wants. He has done this all
    his life only I didn't know that. He wants a woman who can give him ALL the attention. It was so not about him leaving emotionally many years before. We were still having sex and fun. May I add EEEEEWWWW!!!! It deteriorated AFTER he trolled the sites & found 3-4 women.

    He was feeling inadequate himself. So he trolled sites with big fat woman who he deducted felt more inadequate than himself.

    It was fun and exciting and he purposely did things to get caught. He resented me. I didn't hate myself. He was asked by me, his son and finally our marriage therapist [we saw a therapist after he cheated] at 3 different times if simply he was in or out of the marriage. He told all 3 of us he was in and then he went out without us knowing until after he physically left. His son in school me at work.

    I was always good with that if that is what he chose. Just let me know. But we call him the drama queen because he enjoys chaos and drama, I despise it.

    I thought what most think the relationship he ran to will end and she won't take his behavior because it won't change.

    It won't change but she will take it because he selected a woman who feels bad about herself. So please please please don't bank on the relationship ending for them it won't. They fit, but who the hell wants him? One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Be thankful you don't have to deal with him anymore. Why can't we be happy without the loser? Why? Rejection. [he has been with her the last 11 years + off & on for 2 before that. We were married for 15 years when they started, 17 when he left].

    This woman tore me down one night to him while we were still together on the internet and she doesn't even know me. I couldn't decide whether or not she wasn't very bright or she was blinded with desperation. I think it is the latter.

    Rejection is why we are bothered after the love is gone. Rejection. It is normal and natural to feel this way don't let anyone say differently to you. The
    real test is are you normal or obsessing over him? No obsession, but wondering is normal. In the 11 years without my ex I rarely think of him. But once
    every so many years I wonder why he left me and chose her. She was also married at the time so her moral compass and his are at least the same level of

    Men are not different than women. Men cheat with the same kind of women. Understand this! Not all men are like this and not all women are like this.

    While it is important to be happy and live your life, having a new partner is not moving on. Moving on is when even God Himself comes down and begs you to
    take back your ex, and you can't do it. THAT is moving on. Ignoring natural feelings of why he rejected you is not moving on, in fact it inhibits you from truly moving on with your life.

    Pretend he is moving on with his whether he really is or not. Comforting yourself by convincing yourself he is not moving on would only hurt more when he does. Please understand how this works.

    He probably will not change. She accepts him that way that is the highest level of happiness they will feel. You need to reach higher. Not for him, for you
    because you deserve it and you want it. Your happiness has absolutely nothing to do with his. So if you have remarried and still upset over his dumping you, it is the rejection you have not dealt with. This not about him or the relationship it is about rejection. You will never realize what you have until you deal with this.

    It is okay to feel and try to understand the rejection it is wrong to kid yourself about it or any other facts about the ended relationship or his new one.

    My son was 16 and after 2 years of this off and on affair he kept lying about, my son got off my ex's emotional roller coaster for the last time when he officially left for her. There was no real reason for him to leave except for selfish ones. My son refused to speak to his dad and has not since. I only stopped speaking to him 3 years ago.

    We are now going thru a divorce my son claims is one of his attention getting annoying drama queen acts. I was served the 1st week of this past November. My son said it was dad's way of trying
    to ruin the holidays with drama. I refused to have it ruin the holidays and it didn't. This of course is my ex's "final act" so the drama level needs to be
    high and it wasn't for us.

    I have been the perfect ex wife. I do not ask him for anything and I have not made those annoying ex wife demands. Trust me he so hates he can't complain about that.

    So his lawyer asked for 28 years of receipts as discovery and my lawyer only had me produce 4 years because obviously that was not necessary and very costly to me. Meanwhile his lawyer answered pretty much none of my business by saying his financial affairs were irrelevant. Why? Drama.

    I still said not a word to anyone but my lawyer. My point? See the bigger picture by reading between those lines. There is a reason he is like this and more than likely it is not about you it is about him.

    All I can say is he is out of your hair and life and be thankful. You may not see it now, but it is truly for the best. One day when you deal with the
    rejection appropriately, you will rise above and see what you were so upset about is garbage.

    Most importantly, know you are not alone and his behavior is unacceptable, Be strong and faithful. It really will be okay. God wouldn't have it any other

  • Comment Link Judy Matupi Friday, 28 February 2014 20:47 posted by Judy Matupi

    Not sure when this was written but really found it helpful. Ater 25 years and three beautiful children my husband has just left and is sleeping with another woman. I am stunned and cannot get rid of a sick sour feeling in my body. This article, for a moment, has given encouragement. Thank you

  • Comment Link susana Saturday, 22 February 2014 20:51 posted by susana

    My comment is to Dennis. I think many women do criticize themself, look inside and try to improve themselves. I do also think a lot of what you say is true as a reason men leave, that's what my husband said to me that I put him down and was cold to him, not enough sex.

    My only statement is usually that behavior from an otherwise loving woman is a response, a way to tell her man she is unhappy about something. Maybe it's the biggest problem. Women are afraid to fight cause a fight or say anything because then the man will say she's nagging or fighting again. Men are rarely willing to deal with any issues so the women get their anger out, and not in the most constructive way..

    The key is a woman feels if you love me I mean really love then how could you leave over any reason. For me the answer I had a cold shoulder was not a good enough reason to lose love. In fact I had a good reason to give a cold shoulder, he'd arrive home every night at 3am completely intoxicated, then he'd tell me I was cold. I wanted to be with him but not his constant drunken state.

    I think the article was on point. I also think society plays a huge part and most people make so many excuses for a man who leaves. Many relationships end after so much investment and with such little effort to fix things. I think the problem is in most relationships that most people hold their issues inside too long. Communication is just not there. Women their feelings don't change after so much time but for men they do.
    I think most women just really need to figure out how to communicate to their husbands better without fighting.
    Also I think many women do try but can lose their will if their man consistently is disappointing.

  • Comment Link Michele Stagemeyer Tuesday, 18 February 2014 21:08 posted by Michele Stagemeyer

    This was so helpful.

  • Comment Link Dennis Mårtensson Monday, 10 February 2014 21:31 posted by Dennis Mårtensson

    Put in another light - why do never women critsize their own gender and their own actions within the relationships. Men can get as badly treated as women in relationships - behind closed doors where preying eyes see no nothing - and neither friends, family or outsiders ever hear or see how "healthy" the relationship actually is.

    It may so be - that usually the society in general is Patriarchaical and usually the men are the abusers and those with power - but for many men this is the rule in the relationship and the home.

    An emotionally and verbally abusive partner that freeze you out, give no real love, get no respect, get name calling from her, get put downs, get harassed by her verbally, get generally terrorized and cut of emotionally - starved sexually and emotionally, ,,,,,,,,,,, living in a dead theatrical relationship that is utterly a farce.

    In such a scenario - of course the man gives up on it all, especially if the partner can't get talked with in a constructive way, someone that disrespect your family, and cut you all of into a - homely box of control, cold shoulders and ignorance of you, your needs and your person.

    Such a man - long for what this relation should inhibit but don't - he finally leaves without notice, when sanity has emerged or the soul and body simply can not take no more starvation - he walks, probably with a new woman.

    What do you all think, morally or not !?

  • Comment Link Ashley Wednesday, 29 January 2014 05:38 posted by Ashley

    I must say.. my husband abandoned our family suddenly after 5 years of marriage but I did see the distancing about 9 months before hand. I am personally STANDING for my marriage as a Bible believing woman. My vows, My covenant, My promise is until Death do us part. It's not so much about my marriage as about saving my soul, growing with God and praying the same for my husband. As well as to break the future generational curses for our children. If you want to stand on Gods word and not be in adulterous relationship I suggest Rejoice Ministries and searching on FaceBook for 'Prodigal' ...God Bless

  • Comment Link Steve Sunday, 26 January 2014 17:36 posted by Steve

    After reading many of these posts, I can certainly relate to what is being said. In my case though, I am the man who did the leaving. I was in my marriage for almost 12 years. My wife was kind, gentle and calm, we fought maybe 3 times in the years we were together. I know now we married for all the wrong reasons including an early pregnancy 2 months into the relationship. I have this "morality chip" that has been mentioned here and did what I believed was right for 12 years and one more child. The problem is, I was never happy with her. She didn't like doing anything I liked to do, I was embarrassed going out in public with her( she wasn't hideous or anything, she just projected this aura of stupidity) which was ok since I really couldn't stand being around her for very long, and we were never really emotionally close, she wasn't what I would have considered a friend. My only source of happiness was my children. I think the reason it lasted as long as it did was the fact that I worked long hours and wasn't around much. When the economy crashed I was laid off and the subsequent time together brought everything into perspective.
    I went back to school and became involved with someone I met there. No, it didn't go on for years before my wife found out, it went on for a month and then I told her. I moved out into my own place three months later after failed attempts to repair the marriage and her subsequent cheating on me (which when looking back, wasn't really a big deal to me) I am now in a relationship with the woman I met in school and we have been together for almost two years. I haven't looked back.
    I sometimes still feel a stab of guilt for putting my ex wife through the mess, but I tried to communicate how I felt many times during the marriage so the guilt goes away, especially when I remind myself of the things I hated about being with her.
    We have been fairly amicable through the divorce process, I get to see my kids at a 50% schedule and they are happy again. I guess I just wanted to put out there that not all men are evil cheating assholes. I had never cheated on anybody I have ever been with ever in my life until now, and for those who love to say once a cheater always a cheater well that doesn't always apply and maybe you should look at yourself sometime, you might find something lacking that your partner really needs.

  • Comment Link Issy Saturday, 18 January 2014 03:07 posted by Issy

    Mine left after 28 yrs of marriage for someone who is 20 yrs his junior. All I can say is if I didn't know him before I really don't now, they go deadly cold on you due to a number of reasons, the main one being they can't face the fact they've failed. Mine looked up to his dad because he kept the family unit together, he now knows his son will never hold the same view and even though he's bad mouthed me to people he can never justify what he has done. All in all they are pretty mixed up creatures and going off with someone else wont solve the problems they've taken from the first marriages. Mine is constantly trying to make me jealous by telling our son what a great time he's having with his new family, just shows how grown up he is. He's still after attention even though he's in the wrong and like a baby who throws it's dummy out of the pram I turn a blind eye. Be strong and don't let them see you upset or angry, it feeds their egos which is the job of the new woman so let her do the hard work on that score. Good luck and hold your head up high.

  • Comment Link Jane Lloyd Friday, 17 January 2014 00:34 posted by Jane Lloyd

    Wow, It`s truly scary how many women's stories are the same. Mine? After 30 years together, 2 teenage sons. he went on a trip by himself to the Grand Canyon and met a woman who buttered him up big time. He was like an obsessed madman exercising for months before his trip. I found emails from him to her, he denied everything and said I needed to see a psychiatrist because I was so insecure. He made me feel like I was going crazy. He wanted to go on `adventure holidays' with this woman, said it would be too 'difficult' for me to go. ( Yeah, right….) Naturally I didn`t want him going on holidays with this woman. He wrote a letter telling me I was the centre of his universe etc etc, 3 months later he told me he didn`t want to be married to me any more. Then he and his father tried to evict me and our sons from our home of 23 years; had to go to the Supreme Court to stop it from happening. I had spent half of my life trying to please his parents, for nothing. They treated me as though I had been the one to leave. He moved to another country to be with this woman, he introduced the boys to her about 4 months after the boys found out we were separating. They had no idea what was going on until they saw him holding hands with her and kissing her. He didn't even bother to tell them she was his new partner. He hardly sees the boys now, and blames me for everything. He didn`t get to evict me and move this woman in, and he is furious about it. He married her, just about 2 years since I found that first email. Suddenly I have seen how men harden their hearts. It makes me feel physically ill to see how cold and cruel he can be; someone I thought I knew. Suddenly I find myself having to go back to Uni at 50, retraining in order to find employment which will support me and my sons into the future. I haven`t found someone else, but I have found out that I`m a strong person , and my kids have seen that, which is invaluable. He has just, as someone else said "changed the lightbulb". It is that devoid of any emotional depth or complexity. My advice to anyone else in this position; trust your instincts. Don`t try to `fix' them, you need to do whatever it takes to look after yourself and your children. Focus on that, and the good things that have come out of the hell hole you have been in. Your friends will listen to you all day long, talk about it as much and as often as you need to. Stand your ground, it`s hard, but eventually you will feel proud that you have done so. I was never keen on counselling but that was invaluable, my ex suggested I go because of my 'insecurity problems, but in fact counselling made me see things in a much clearer light. I have worked through things, he has just gone on the same old treadmill, accepts no blame or responsibility, blames everyone else. I would rather be me than his new wife. Really ! : )

  • Comment Link Gabby Monday, 06 January 2014 04:35 posted by Gabby

    Um, I'm sorry, but the whole "men and women are very different from each other" is complete bull. Maybe SOME certain things are innate. But the truth is, most of those so-called "differences" are really to do with brainwashing and culturalization. Society's way of trying to instill in males and females from the time we are born that "this is how boys and girls are suppose to act". There are PLENTY of men who are quite emotional, relational and sentimental. And PLENTY of women who are not. Gender has nothing to do with it. We are not monolithic creatures. Every human is their own complex, individual being.

  • Comment Link tod jode Wednesday, 04 December 2013 20:26 posted by tod jode

    It is not just men that leave without talking or trying to understand the problems in the marriage. My former wife was screwing another man for a year before she left, walked out without talking and married the guy right away.

    It's not just men. It's a personality thing shared by some men and some women.

    Believe me I was willing to work with her to save the marriage. She never said she was unhappy until after she had left.

  • Comment Link Hannah Sunday, 01 December 2013 22:47 posted by Hannah

    Hi girls, it's truly heartbreaking to read your stories, I've been through the same. Married for 27 years with a family, turns out mine was into the affair for well over a year before he left me. He's in the process of trying to get us out of the house, so he can buy something for him and this OW and young son. She is still living in the family house until this happens. He thought I was going to roll over and let him walk all over me, he hates me for standing my ground and dashing his hopes for eternal happiness. People say it's midlife crisis, I'm not so sure, I think these men are deep down, no good vermin who think only of themselves. I believe my husband will carry his selfish ways into the next relationship and poison that too, he knows no different because he was born that way and a leopard never changes it's spots. Be strong and find strength in knowing you didn't do the dirty, no matter how much they blame you. It is true the best thing you can do is to get on with your life and be happy, they have given up everything for a bottle of cheap fizz which will soon go flat. Be strong for you and your family and never tell yourself you are the one who's lost out because in truth, they have lost everything.

  • Comment Link Still recovering Sunday, 01 December 2013 06:33 posted by Still recovering

    It's been a little over a year, and I'm still dealing with it. My husband left me for the other woman. Yes, we were fighting but we made up, or at least I thought, and agreed to repair the relationship. But while I was busy repairing he was busy planning his escape. After, seven years he ends our relationship in a very public place. I was so shocked. I thought things were getting better.

    I went home that night and while he was snoring I checked his text messages. I don't know if he had cheated yet, but for two months there was texts with heavy flirting with another woman. The next day I went to a friends to sort things out. When I tried to come back he wouldn't let me, and she was there. It was very early in the morning so I knew that she had spent the night...

    I had to call the police to get some of my things back, and suing him just wasn't going to work. Our home wasn't worth it and the things I left behind can be replaced.

    We were married by common law. So all we had to so was to make a statement to the police and sign some paper work. What he did was devious, and showed his inner coward. He knew how confused I would be, to plan something like this...

    He did not have to cheat, even if it was only emotionally. He didn't have to plan an escape, or lie to me. We could have worked this out as rationale adults, instead... I am left trying to move on. Things have been getting better but every now and then a reminder sort of pops up.

  • Comment Link Susan Forbes Wednesday, 20 November 2013 14:25 posted by Susan Forbes

    I am going through a very similar situation to the women above . My husband left after 26 yrs of marriage and three children . He left me for another woman though he had been saying that he was unhappy for years I don't believe he would have left if he had not met her and she encouraged him to leave . He too has built up a wall around himself to shut out the emotions that he cannot experience or express. He never was much good at expressing his emotions or communicating . He drank heavily to cope I think and she is also a drinker . He was very emotionally cruel to me when he was in the process of leaving and refused any attempts of mine to talk or work through our problems . As someone said in an earlier post he had left the relationship emotionally some time before actually leaving and had hardened his heart against me . He was on the look out for someone to jump ship with so to speak and there are always women who are unattached looking for a man to hook up with as they get older and don't want to be on their own .

    Married men may even be seen as a challenge to these women and married the longer the better. My husband left 7 months ago and has procrastinated about a divorce settlement and dragged his heels over all aspects of separation . He promised to see our kids regularly but has not really kept that promise . The children support me but want to keep a relationship with him . it's tough on them . I am lucky that I have great family and friends who have kept me afloat during this terrible time but I can easily see how some women who perhaps don't have much support could literally go off their heads with grief and anger and bewilderment . Society in a way does condone men who behave like this and quickly forget the collateral damage to wives and children . I take comfort from realising that he was not the man that I thought he was. He is in fact weak , selfish and immature . He is not honourable and I really don't want to be with a man like that even if it means being on my own I would rather that . My father was an honourable decent man and I admired him very much . I thought I was married to a similar sort of mans but it turns out that I wasn't . He either changed completely due to a mid life crisis or he always had that selfish mean side to him that he kept hidden till a similar minded woman encouraged him to bring it out . I don't really know what happened but it has been pretty devastating for me and my kids.

    How ever from what I hear he is not blissfully happy even with this other woman and I have to ask what was it all for ? All that pain and destruction and no one is happier . Though I hope that I will be happier in the future and the kids . I believe that he jumped ship on a whim and never really thought it through and is now all at sea wondering what happened. He appears to have got what he wanted but I am not sure it is what will make him happy . He after all is still the same person and has to live with whatever insecurities and demons he has in himself . His inability to address these will always haunt him no matter who he is with . However it is no longer my problem . Things do get better with time and I find that I cry less and less and recover from any interaction with him much faster . So take heart girls , there is light at the end of that long dark tunnel . I think that I can just about see it and I am going to walk towards it away from the dark nasty place that I have been in for the last few years . Things can only get better !! Tomorrow is another day !!

  • Comment Link Mina villarreal Sunday, 29 September 2013 08:51 posted by Mina villarreal

    hay gals I was in a ten yr relationship with my hubsand .we seperated in oct 2nd 2013, from time to time he would still come around for the girls (ages4,2) during our separation id got involved with another man for campanoinship(shoulder to cry on) wich today I now regret. As time passed by I eventually ended this shoulder to cry on relationship. So than I had spent time alone to do some soul searchin, it was than I realized I was still very much in love with my husband and that I wanted him back but I knew that our telationship was so far gone that it was going to not only take time ,patience to heal but god as well,first. So in april we got back together it lasted for three weeks than he was gone just like that,left me with memories of all those sleepless nites we spent making love , it was all back to normal ,waking up to breakfast in bed, and the girls jumpin for joy in daddys arms. Laughing and talking taking walks as a family , just starting all over again . At this very moment I I go back in my mind and I can still see him laying on our bed as I watched him sleep so comfy and cozy ,as tears of peacfullness and just knowing the fight was finally over. So I than ran over into the bed and just held him as he held me back after awaking him out of his sleep. I tell him how much I love him and we express love, life and laughter back and fourth of course you can imagine what happends next,lol.. My delima here today ladies is that I dont know how to begin to let go of our life and time we spent together. Through it all I held on to faith in god that wed get back together again. I moved out of my apartment elsrwhere my lease wad up . He than led me to believe that we were gonna give it one last try so I said ill look for a house while he went back to work we were ok . On june 2, 2013 he called me and told me he wants me to be happy and he tired of hurting me and that he had found someone else,she makes him happy. At that moment I was suicidal I had no reason to live I blamed myself for not trying hard enough I was in total devistation of the fact that I couldnt believe he left me,that he and I were done that there is no getting back togethrr. Today is september 29th . People tell me I should move on to let it go its done . As I said earlier I dont know how to move on I dont have a clue what the vfirst step is. on the other hand I still wanna believe we gonna make it rite , I also belive he is where hes at because he learning a life lesson,and so am I , iam learning alot about myself. And in due time hell be back. Hes had no contact with my girls I recently text him picturex of the girls and no response. I tell my daughters that they will soon see daddy only when they ask for him . I sometimex spend nites holding our 4yr old rocking her as she cries for daddy. Once she falls asleep iam back to blaming myself saying if only I would have just... Than my babies would not have to suffer . Ut thats bulls... Cause they use to see us fite. I dont know what to do I still want my husband back or should I say ex husband. He re ently told me he was married. He married his best friends wife,in wich his bestfriend was once married to his sister. At one time my husband and I were all very good and best of friends with his bestfriend and his wife. Now the four of us have became enemies. I miss what we once had and belive we can have again . Please am I the only one going through this . In need of great advice . Sincerly broken diamonds.

  • Comment Link Anna Thursday, 26 September 2013 00:45 posted by Anna

    Married 35 years and one week after losing his father, my husband serves divorce papers on me. Has been in an emotional affair with another woman since 2009. He left in August 2012. Our children have severed all ties with him and will not allow him near the grandchildren. This does not seem to bother him in the least. I truly do not understand. This was a man who would have (at one time) laid down his life for me and our children, now we have been treated like yesterdays garbage. He immediately moved into his deceased fathers home and began openly dating this OW (AKA Skank). Just today, a year after moving out and with our divorce still not final, I learned that he is moving in with her. I thought that I would be okay with this; I mean, it was easy to see it coming, but it seems like that first day all over again. Since he left, my own father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, our son (in another state) had to have surgery to rule out cancer (I asked him to go with me, his response was "no thanks"), our daughter lost a baby (she was 5 months pregnant and the baby died) and our other son is now being treated for a heart condition, not to mention, we have lost two good friends under sudden circumstances and he still has not shown an ounce of concern or compassion. It is like something just took him over. He has had his own share of medical conditions, heart attack at age 49, a knee replacement just 6 months before leaving and many other things and WE, as a family have been there for him through it all, and now this OW (AKA, SKANK) can waltz right in and take it all away. I just don't get it at all. How does one get through each day? How do you trust again? How do you help to heal your family when you have a hole, the size of a cannon ball through your heart?

  • Comment Link Vicki Sunday, 22 September 2013 12:10 posted by Vicki

    I think the worst thing for me was understanding that the person I had married 25 years before was not who I thought he was. I was married to an illusion of a man who professed to be one way (to friends, co-workers, etc) but who truly was someone else. While he liked to say that he was a terrific father and husband the reality is he spent his life doing everything he wanted to do (golfing, drinking and looking for women to stroke his ego). We, his family, looked good on paper, but the truth is, we were never what he wanted.

    It has been 1 year since I discovered his infidelity, which of course was denied, repeatedly until he had no choice but to accept my knowledge. He has since moved out and in with his mistress. I can see from the sidelines that she is falling into the same trap I did. And in a strange sense I am beginning to feel sorry for her. What she doesn't realize is that the man she is pouring her heart and sole into does not have the ability to love her back the same way. She will start to wonder why, what can she do different, change herself in order to make him happy. But in the end she will be looking in the mirror saying, "why wasn't I enough". And the answer is, "because nothing is every enough for the person who is empty and looking for someone else to fill them up."

    Everyday I experience a wave of sadness and pain, but I do have to admit I am not consumed the way I used to be. He has lost his wife, children (do not speak to him), home, lifestyle, family, friends, even his dog. I however have all of that and more. And when I see them out to dinner having a great time I must remind myself that no meal or person is worth losing the respect and love of so many people.

    It's been hard to see, but I have come out the winner. I have gone through a great deal of pain and come out on the other side. An though I am not fully healed (don't think that will ever happen) and am much better off focusing my attention on myself, children and friends, then on someone that was never ready to receive those gifts. I will never understand how a person can walk away from everything, but I have accepted that I don't understand because that is not who I am. And in that knowledge I understand we were flawed from the start and never stood a chance.

    To everyone going through this, stay strong, seek comfort in good friends, do something once a day that you like to do, remember your strengths, focus on becoming everything you always wanted to be, re-invent yourself. Now is your time.

  • Comment Link Moya Friday, 06 September 2013 08:34 posted by Moya

    I can totally relate to your situation. I was married for 12 years, knew husband for 20 years. Never imagined the level of devastation he was capable of causing myself and our children. Not only did he have an affair, but he and the OW involved our then five-year old son, posted inappropriate information to social media sites, and publicly flaunted their relationship with co-workers, etc. For me, it was not so much that he wanted to leave, but that I was the LAST to know. It was so unfair. I never blamed myself for his actions, but I have often questioned his lack of character and my failure to recognize it. Why I trusted him at all when after I confronted him on several occasions, he denied an affair with tears in his eyes. Unfortunately, there is only one path to the other side of this pain, THROUGH IT. I am slowly learning to be grateful for the fact that I no longer have to question myself. The unnecessary pain caused to our children continues to cause anger at times, but I am learning to push through the pain by being the best parent I can be and exhibiting the character I want to transfer to our children. I am grateful for all of the wisdom and experiences shared by the women here. It does "help" to know that I am not alone. I also am encouraged that there can be fullness of life, recovery, and love after devastation, betrayal, and divorce.

  • Comment Link Lyn Monday, 02 September 2013 09:05 posted by Lyn

    My husband left me after 26 years together 5 weeks ago. We have no contact now. He see my son because works with him and also sees his grandson, my daughter will not talk to him and will not let him see grandaughter. He was having a affairs for 3 months. Didn't sleep with her until the last two weeks of affair. He just turned round and said I don't want this anymore and then left. His got a flat to rent. The ow left her huband just after my husband left me. She has 10 year old son. I love my husband very much and don't no how to move on , at moment he pays all bills and mortgage. He said he is been selfish and feels guilty how he could cheat on me but he is happy with her and loves her. I was shock to think someone could love someone after just 3 months. How do you move on my daughter is a great suport but is hurting herself. Please can anyone give me advise

  • Comment Link Issy Thursday, 22 August 2013 11:51 posted by Issy

    Thank you, you have hit all the right notes and made sense of a situation I am in at the moment. My husband left myself and our son after 28 years of marriage about two months ago, for a coworker 20 years his junior who happens to be married with a young son. The women is still with her family and I think my husband is putting pressure on her to leave and join him in his rented flat. He told me the last 28 years have been hell and he wants to enjoy the rest of his life, which consists of screwing this women, getting tanked up on booze, watching and playing sport and doing almost everything but being a supportive and loving husband and father. He does occasionally take our son out but with all that's gone off his opinion of his dad is at an all time low and more to the point he was struggling to make him out before he left. After careful thought I've decided the best course of action is to divorce him, looking back on the marriage he was never that emotionally supportive and if anything seem to go out of his way to upset me publicly and privately. He doesn't believe in God and thinks his actions hold no consequences so he seems to be out for the ride, not realising the only thing that awaits him is a brick wall. I've always thought things happen for a reason and life is full of tests which we have to figure out the best way we can, with a little guidance. I'm hoping and praying my test results will be good and the ride will be a little less problematic!

  • Comment Link valerie Thursday, 23 May 2013 23:26 posted by valerie

    Thank you so much I am stuggling as I head towards a divorce and settlement and while my ex does see my children, I feel I am rearing them and all he does is have the fun. That said both kids and I are fine. But his gilfriend who he was having an affair with is harassing me to the point I have had too inform my solictor. Ihave found it difficult to know how to foucs, Now that I have kids sorted, my ex guided to beig a better father that what he was when we fist seperated. Your article has given me the push I needed now just to take time out for me

  • Comment Link Daniela Friday, 03 May 2013 08:00 posted by Daniela

    married for 11 years and known him 16. We seemed like soul mates he would finish my sentences and we would know what the other was thinking. We would spend most of our time together. Except our marriage was getting stale, hardly any sex, we fought a lot but I deep down wanted to change things but he was always so secretive about his feelings and what he was doing. He left one day and told me he needed space but what he wanted was to be with someone else. A woman that worked for him, a long story, but when i saw her i knew she was dangerous. He never told me the truth but I recently discovered that he slept with her for a while before leaving me. He blamed the whole abandonment on me. It's very difficult to think I will never again be with my soulmate because I know that if not for this OW we would be able to revive our marriage. He obviously is infatuated with her and I see no hope as he has gotten ready to go through a divorce with me with the least damage to his finances. He has lied to me and hurt me deeply and I don't know if I can ever trust anyone else fully again.

  • Comment Link HeatherFloyd Thursday, 02 May 2013 22:51 posted by HeatherFloyd

    I wasn't married as long as you all 8 years this July. But, with two children, to which I've always been a stay-at-home mom, and being a military wife; at times it feels much longer. He was assigned to Korea for a year, I didn't think this would be any different than the other two deployments we had already gone through. It is always hard on the kids, our son is special needs, and our daughter is well she was a daddy's girl. 3 months in I asked him why he was so distant, a week later he posted to facebook that we were getting a divorce, I had no idea of this until my own family called me, now...before the divorce is even final, he is calling some other woman who lives in Korea but is from the Philipians his wife. He won't help with our son's medical bills and he's been kicked out of the army. He lives only 20 minutes from us but won't even call them. I'm heart broken every time I see him post something about his "new wife". I just don't understand. We aren't even divorced yet. I am feeling worthless and like I never meant anything to him. I wish it was easier, my whole family says I should be over it...but I'm not and I still have a hard time even thinking about hugging another male.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 04 April 2013 02:45 posted by Guest

    Your story is so similar to mine, I have been searching for something to help me realize that it's ok to have these feelings of betrayal. He is still with her, she being 22 years younger. I'm putting my kids first and do right by them and heal myself so I can start a new chapter of my life. Thank you for your story.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 18 March 2013 19:29 posted by Guest

    After 23 years of marriage, he came home one night and told me he wouldn't be home for a while. I thought he was having a nervous breakdown lol A week later he shows up and tells me he is in love with someone else and wants a separate life. He didn't want a divorce (it costs too much he said). I immediately starting seeing attorneys, and the kicker is I HAVE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. The house was "gifted to him" so I have no legal right to the house. After 23 years of marriage, two kids in college, he just walks away. Now my daughter wont talk to him (shes 20) and she is disgusted. He is dating a bartender who rents a room! A ROOM! She doesn't even drive because of her arrest record! Seriously? He disowned my daughter cause she wont talk to him. I loved your points and very on the mark! Thank you. I know there is a light somewhere and its my job to find it. Sending positive thoughts to every woman who is going through it.

  • Comment Link Dawn Saturday, 29 September 2012 21:35 posted by Dawn

    Pastors Married for 28 Years: I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed this article. After 28 years of marriage, due to infidelity in which he is still in the relationship, my trial is October 9th.

    You made so many points that helped me. We were Pastors of a congregation, so I have been in mourning over death of a marriage, death of a family unit, and death of a church family I loved. I know I will never understand how a Pastor could forsake all that I believe God did for us for this choice. I believe we were under a huge amount of stress and opposition from the enemy, but I always thought the Pastor I looked up to would fight for us. I was wrong.

    Now, we are Pastors in a courtroom. Unbelievable. But I love myself. I feel like I am in a holding pattern because so many things in my life need to come together. But, I am patiently waiting for God to bring it to pass. I can tell you after my divorce, I am not looking back. God has a plan for my life. He has not forsaken me.

    I went to Divorce Care, and I forgive. I am not sure I will be able to open my heart to anyone else in my life. I have decided to leave that to God.

    Yes, I feel lonely sometimes, but I believe that God will fill those spaces in my life in time.



  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 25 September 2012 17:34 posted by Guest

    Married for 18 years with three kids: This article is great...I think these things every day and some days they work and other days not so much. I'm still in the divorce process BUT he already had his other woman before we supposedly were going to do a separation but that failed miserably....within 2 hours of him leaving our home he was already out with her!!! I think he thought he could keep one foot in my door and do whatever he wanted and figured I wouldn't find out!!! But it gets better.... just 2 weeks ago I found out she was's a mess. He was hoping that he'd be able to keep this under wraps until our divorce...he is a sad excuse for a person....I just don't even know this person after all these years...I try at times to wrap my head around it...but I can't...and I never will! I have to remind myself OFTEN that I can't allow the actions and decisions of others to take over my job is to protect me and my children PERIOD!!!! My divorce isn't final until the end of October so just over a month to go! My oldest child is struggling the most with this. She feels that her father has already chosen this other woman (a former teacher of my daughters by the way, someone we all knew -- very humiliating)!! So with this pregnancy my child feels he would give her up for this baby....I just feel awful for my kids...not an ounce of consideration for his own children's feelings!! But I'm so thankful to have read this I was reading it I was shaking my head...yes, yes, yes...I think these things and try to incorporate them into my life and thinking every day!! Thank you!! :)

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 25 September 2012 02:07 posted by Guest

    Married for twenty years to a: Married for twenty years to a man who never had his priorities straight. Family. Your spouse and children. If your job, hobby, sport,money, or self come before your marriage it will fail. Go do what you have to do before marriage to become as complete a human being as you can. You will need to be a hero every day. If you aren't up to that then don't marry.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 24 September 2012 14:01 posted by Guest

    thank you.: thank you.

  • Comment Link Jeri Friday, 21 September 2012 23:02 posted by Jeri

    How Can (Some) Men Just Move On With The Other Woman After So Ma: This article has helped so much! The why's and how's of his leaving our marriage for another woman after 38yrs are still bothering me. Although the divorce only happened last month I have been asking these questions for almost a year now and driving myself crazy. I'm still working on moving forward but the steps back I'm still having a hard time with.
    Thank you for putting into words what I've been trying to work out myself.