The question about men moving on so quickly was posed by one of our members recently, and we thought we'd highlight a number of the insightful responses from the community:
- I don't think it's a matter of them having "moved on so quickly." I would venture to guess that in 99% of cases, these "runaway husbands" emotionally LEFT the marriage a long time BEFORE they physically left. That's what my therapist told me and it's the same thing I have read in numerous books on divorce recovery. It is going to take a lot longer for those of us who were left to "catch up" with that on an emotional level. Basically, the best way to work through this is to put the focus on YOURSELF and stop pondering the whys and wherefores of what the EX's did. That, too, is a process and therapy and counseling will help. I can tell you that it took me a couple of years AFTER the divorce from Hell was finally final to reach the point where the EX isn't even a blip on the radar screen of my life anymore. Be patient with yourself and GENTLE with yourself. As long as you sit there comparing what he is doing to where you are in the process, you are holding yourself back. I am living, breathing proof that there is LIFE after divorce, and also testimony to the fact that you CAN find a loving and healthy relationship after the ripe old age of 50! Take heart, girls! Tell yourself: "Something WONDERFUL will happen for me, I just have to get through the muck and the mire FIRST!"
- There is no logic for the "how could they just walk out on a wife and kids", they just do. It is happening at an alarming rate and you would think they would learn by seeing there friends ruin there lives but they just don't. I think its a combination of men missing the moral/ethical chip in their brain and whats on TV and going on in society. It's getting to the point where their bad behavior is accepted, or even expected. I guess women just have to decide how they will handle it if and when it happens to them.
- I think women are more comfortable dealing with their emotions, willing to work through the knotty problems, and men have a tendency to dismiss topics close to the heart, thus end up repeating hurtful actions. It's confusing; almost as though they committed 1/2 of themselves to the original couple; leaving oh, so much room for questionable behavior. Somehow, their moral code allows for this irrationality. Is this supported through media (tv, movies, magazines), 'boys night out', the "ME" mentality or parents' role modeling? I agree, the more distance between involvement in church, community, and family activities, the greater likelihood of the straying eye and genitals. The crux appears to fester in their insecurities; am I still a good catch (communications, sexual performance, risks and challenges)? When a marriage is comfortable (stale?), rather than attempts to restore enthusiasm, bonding, adventure, men are more likely to look elsewhere (greener grass). That invested energy is expended outside the home. What the "other women" ignores is if he'll do it to us, he will eventually do it to her!
- Men are very different from women. They are not as relational, emotional or sentimental as we are. It's just the way the brains are constructed. They are much more detached than we are. So, the only thing that would keep a man from leaving a relationship he was not necessarily happy in anymore would be a personal moral code that he was taught probably early on to fulfill his commitments. Fewer and fewer men these days are taught such a code since we've moved farther and farther away from God in our culture, therefore, we are reaping the results of this harvest of self-centeredness.
- I really don't believe these men are moving on (I know mine isn't); he's more like a hamster on one of those little wheels. He jumped from our relationship to another, and he's going to make the same mistakes. My dad jokes and says it's like my EX just changed a light bulb, out with the old and in with the new. He hasn't done his "homework" and he doesn't even acknowledge that he has baggage. Yes, there are times when I am feeling lonely through all of this, but I know that I am on a different path, and I will heal, and I will grow, and I will be a better person than he could ever become.
- Think about good people and their actions. You are good. Think about you, and let him go. (This is what I am trying to do and am sometimes successful.) You can't expect an unreasonable person to think reasonably. If he did, his actions would be different. His actions are indefensible to normal thinking people, and I feel for you and understand how it makes you crazy. You're not alone. I tell myself that his bizarre justification is the only way he can tell himself that what he is doing is OK. I can't control what others do or what they think, only my actions, and I just have to move on. If you keep thinking about them, you will drive yourself crazy! Be good to yourself, and obsessing over them is not being good to yourself. I'm rooting for you and all going through this.
- A lot of times men get involved in being with a woman too soon, after he is divorced or not divorced, or he is cheating. But this relationship will not last with this woman, because he is still caring the hurt from you into this relationship, time and time again, I have seen it happen. Not that it would make us feel better if this happens, but we must learn this for ourselves, to not "jump" into a relationship too quickly because it could happen to us as well. As I said before get time to know yourself and learn to love yourself first before trying to bring another person into your life. Look in the mirror and say I love that person and will learn more about myself every day as hard as it is to be alone. God bless every woman who is going through this.