So, interesting story: I was sitting at my hair salon yesterday, waiting for the dye to sink in and cover up the grays, and couldn't help eavesdropping in on the conversation going on next to me. A woman was telling her hair dresser, that she and her husband were going to Italy to renew their vows. This of course, immediately reminded me of when Vicki on RHOC renewed her vows with her husband Don, whom she treated as if he were a flea, and then of course divorced a year later.
This woman, who was about 60-ish was going on and on about how they had found this famous priest in Rome who was going to perform the ceremony and they had friends going with them to be witnesses. By the way, she was having her hair blown out so she wouldn't have to style it for the next few days while traveling. What? If I don't style my hair every day, I look like a chubby greyhound.
Anyhooooo, I of course stuck myself into the conversation and found out they had been married 20 years. I had two big questions for her, 1. What kind of food will you be having at the ceremony and did you know the wine in Italy has no sulfites, and 2. Why renew your vows? When I asked her that, she gave me an icy stare, turned away from me, and asked her stylist to make sure not to fringe the bangs. So, I was on my own with that one, and I began to think, why WOULD someone renew their vows?
Is it an excuse for a party? Is it a way of getting some really good restaurant gift certificates and gift cards for couples massages? Is it to say "Hey everyone look at me! I'm a bride!" If it is a way of saying, "Honey, I love you and I would do it all over again, " can't you just say it in private? Not that I don't LOVE that frizzy hair look I'll get, when I stand on the beach watching two barefoot fifty somethings dressed in white, surrounded by their kids yet, saying things no one can hear, while my chardonnay gets warm. DUDES! COME ON!
Maybe it's to make sure you still feel really married. I got to thinking, maybe I should renew my divorce vows. I mean, just to make sure I still feel really divorced. So I wrote this beautiful, heartfelt ceremony, and am honored to share it with you, my dearest friends.
To my ex-Dearest:
Two years ago, we signed the papers making us ex husband and ex wife. How young we were then, full of dreams and promises, thinking that we would have the perfect divorce. I remember the giddiness I felt when that first alimony check hit the mailbox, the giggles and winks I got from those knowing I would be sleeping alone for the first time as an Ex-wife. Ahh, youth.
I want you to know, I feel more and more divorced every day, and I owe this all to you. I want to renew the vows I made to you as we grow old together as Ex-husband and Ex-wife:
I vow to stop opening the wine basket that still comes to you every Christmas from the insurance company; but who can resist a good bottle of Leibfraumilch and a pound of peanut brittle?
I vow to stop looking at your wedding pictures on line, (OMG is that Krug champagne the waiter is pouring? Really?)
I vow to stop calling Giselle my sister wife as it seems to really incite her.
I vow to stop calling your old bike shorts my fat pants.
I vow to quit telling the creepy pool guy that you still live here.
I vow to be happy with my alimony and live within my means. PSYCH!
Most importantly, I vow to drink a toast to you on each of the kid's birthdays and remember you are the father of my children, I am the mother of yours and we will always be family. Always.