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Christmas:   There are lights!  Millions of them!  Hannukah is the festival of lights, yet we got nothing on these Christmas folks.  Celebrate the birth of an adorable baby named Jesus!  Look he is in a manger surrounded by super cute animals.  He is perfect and his mom is a virgin.  Then, we have Santa  flying around with adorable deer dropping everything you ever wished for down your chimney. Everyone is singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,  I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas, Holly Jolly Christmas even humming that cool Charlie Brown Christmas song.

Hannukah:  Our homes are unadorned.  Maybe if our parents let us, we put one of those electric menorahs in the window and for eight nights we get to screw in another bulb.  Yay!  Gather round kids!  We have to light the menorah with real candles in the kitchen..the wax drips.

Now kids picture this, the Jews are being forced out of their homeland and they are wandering the desert with a tiny lamp.  Wandering, wandering, and it is getting really fucking dark now, and they still have like another week of wandering to go.  This tiny lamp will never burn for the entire time, and they will lose their way and step on things and maybe cut their feet.  Lo and behold it burns the whole eight days, coincidentally the week before Christmas.

Christmas:  Secret Santa!  Grab Bag! Holiday Trivial Pursuit.  Holiday Jenga! (?)

Hannukah:  The dreidel game.  Everyone spins.  If you win you get to remove one piece of the chocolate money (Shut up!) which is wrapped in foil and tastes like rust.

Christmas morning:   Come down to thousands of gifts under the tree!  Yes thousands!  Each one wrapped with a bow and everything.  Lights are twinkling, Holly Jolly Christmas is playing from the station that is playing ALL CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

Hannukah night:  Say a prayer, and light the candles.   Here is your first gift.  Generally it is an article of clothing or maybe a book that your aunt sent.  It is wrapped in dark blue Hannukah paper.  No bow.

Then there is the holiday dinner. 

Christmas dinner:  a lovely meal will be  made by mom (while wearing a Talbots' sweater and chic blonde bob,) in her Wolfe kitchen.   Good friends will come over later in the day and more presents will be open.  There will be Big Cabernets, with great legs and good noses opened and shared.  The children will play with their new gifts and watch Christmas movies upstairs, the perfect Christmas family kids know kids belong upstairs when adults are drinking expensive Cabs. Hannukah dinner:  Our second annual latke fest and M was not happy as  I forgot to order the grating disc for my Cuisinart which I promised to do last year after watching him grate 30 potatoes.  As punishment, the job fell to me and this was a job of epic proportions.  Last year he forgot the onions, this year I was not so lucky.   By the time our guests arrive, I look like a sweaty clown and our kitchen smells like the back of McDonalds.  My friend pulls me aside and asks if I've been crying .  There are little kids I don't even know running around and banging the crap out of our piano.  I am nursing a bottle of 12 dollar Chardonnay. Christmas night draws to an end: Brandy and hot toddies are being sipped to keep the glow burning just a bit longer.

Hannukah night draws to an end:  Seltzer is being sipped to settle our stomachs.

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