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I spend a lot of time thinking about why I am the way I am. I also spend a lot of time wondering who the hell hurt my ex so badly that he ended up being the person he was. Because let's face it — we don't grow up screwed up in the head all on our own. Someone has a helping hand making us that way.

I'm an emotional vacuum cleaner. Deep down, I'm needy as hell and desperately want someone to love me. Outwardly, I'm a woman who doesn't need anyone and a person who can take care of herself.

My ex is the same. He's self-reliant and independent to a fault. God help anyone who dares think that he needs help. He snorts about people who are weak, who need someone else to feel complete.

That would be me.

I spent ten years craving affection and attention. He spent ten years trying to get away from me. I'd plead and beg. He'd run. Emotion terrified him. He couldn't handle it and didn't know what to do. I scared the hell out of him, because he couldn't cope with what I needed or wanted.

So I don't blame him for not being able to love me. I don't blame him for his terrible behavior or reactions. He couldn't help it. He didn't know how to be someone I wanted him to be.

And I keep wondering: Who did this to him? Who did this to me?

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