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I began life as the sheltered daughter of hard-core religious parents. Pastors even. I was homeschooled. My entire learning on dating was "don't". I was instructed in the art of courtship and informed that when a man showed interest my parents would put him through rigorous tests. Even when I left being homeschooled in 9th grade, I was still under the rule that no dating was allowed. Of course, by then, I wouldn't have known how to handle a young man's interest.

I put on a good show. After all, I had a good handle on the Josh Harris' book "I kissed dating goodbye". It was the go to text that my parents had shoved under my nose.* So let's face it...I was naive. I only mention this because of an article I saw up on the Home page here a couple of days back: Unusual Bedroom Behavior [Signs a spouse might be cheating].

If you think that article is a good handbook, guess again. Most wives are still blindsided unless they have been around the block a few times. And a lot of men that are thoughtless and naive themselves may find their suspicious wives a bit over the top if nothing is really happening. So let's go down that list and see how the Naive Wife would really experience it.

A surge in sex drive - I had no idea what a 'normal' sex drive was. So anything could have been anything and I'd have thought is was normal. After all, I was the one who came into the marriage a virgin. Silly me. It was a fact he took plenty of advantage of inclucing forced participation in swingers clubs [on peril of taking my daughter from me forever]. That left me pretty much open to a bunch of not so great stuff.

Less eye-contact/ kissing during sex, and preference for positions where they aren’t possible - I refer you to my point above. Naive wives who haven't been exposed to much won't understand that this is unusual behavior. It doesn't exactly get explained that way. Of course if you are a little more open sexually, you may not realize this is emotional detachment anyway. It won't come across that way. The naive wife will simply see this as a night of wild sex to freshen things up in the bedroom.

Decline or disinterest in sex - The Naive Wife ain't gonna see this as a problem. Especially if other things are going on in the marriage. Women typically need a lot of emotional support in a marriage and don't feel too up for sex if that's failing anyway. This brings about depression and makes the naive wife even less likely to consider less sex a decline in sex. It's just what's happening lately.

Disinterest in cuddling afterwards - I would think it fair to say that men don't typically really cuddle aftewards anyway. Those that do are kind of rare. If they stay awake that long.

There are a couple others, but I think you get the idea. A Naive or at least fairly in-experienced wife isn't going to really see a huge difference. She won't recognize these things for what they are even IF she reads an article about them. Some things have to be experienced before you can see it for what it is.

Granted the article says that these signs aren't a guarantee of cheating, but really...is it fair to post something like that and then blame women who don't actually 'see it coming' for not knowing? I guess this boils down to this....

No it is NOT my fault I didn't know he was cheating. 

No it is NOT my fault that I came into the marriage inexperienced.

No it is NOT my fault that I was blindsided.

No it is NOT my fault.

You can only do so much. You do NOT have to take some sort of private eye class to be a good spouse who 'knows' her man is faithful. After all, you promised as much at the wedding. And so did he. If it then becomes your job to spy on him, your marriage is already toast.

Is this a get out of jail free card to letting your marriage delapidate? No. But I get all bent out of shape when I see articles about how to 'know if your man is cheating'. It puts the onus on us to spy on them. And that's a load of swill.

It is Not your fault. Don't swallow the Kool-aid. 

*Sidenote: Josh Harris has since gotten married and pretty much backpedaled from that book as fast as he can go.

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