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Bullying is about the bully needing to feel powerful. Bullies believe their wants are more important than anyone else's. They have learned to be abusers.

I've formed this group for women to connect with other women who are dealing with bullying in the divorce process; who have husbands, ex-husbands or soon-to-be-ex-husbands that are bullys.

Bullying always involves:

  • Intimidation through specific tactics meant to instill fear.
  • Threats of emotional, physical and psychological harm.
  • Discrimination by accusing the victim of being inferior or wrong.
  • Isolation of the victim from others who may give support.

We must help victims of bullying and domestic abuse. This can be done by:

  • Listening to their stories.
  • Watching for changes in behaviour, especially from happy to fearful.
  • Observing and listening how they interact with others.
  • Asking about any indications that hint at being afraid or avoiding people or places.

You are looking for signs of fear, anxiety about who they speak with, talk of having no friends, worry about their activities being discovered by their spouse and in general a focus on feeling safe rather than excited about living life. The first step in dealing with abuse is recognizing it. If you recognize any of the above symtoms, here are the actions you should take to help your friend or loved one.

We can identify bullies by:

  • Watching the way they talk to their spouse.
  • Observing the way they speak about their spouse.
  • Look at their interaction with others for intimidation and control.
  • Paying attention to the types of shows and TV programs they prefer.

Signs of abuse include belittling and name calling, talk of "getting" other people, a superior attitude with lack of care and empathy for others and forming groups where the group acts aggressively against members of a race, religion or sexual orientation.
Bullies often present as confident and popular so people believe they are not the cause of the problem.

Too often the victim is seen as the problem. Their aches and pains, reluctance to join in with others, their easy tears, insecure behaviour and lack of confidence are looked at as being anti social.

People who bully are usually going about their lives confident that the victim's physical and emotional reactions were because they are too sensitive, not mentally well and author of their own misfortune.

Bullies have usually been bullied. They are afraid of appearing weak or fearful. They need to tell their story of who has bullied them and how that behaviour has influenced their life to break the chain. It may be a parent, sibling, grandparent, friend, neighbour, role model on television, religious leader or teacher.

Legal tactics include bullying as do many other forms of business interaction. Many workplaces are filled with bullies. War is bullying to the extreme.

There are lifelong repercussions of bullying that effect the way a person functions in their home and in society. Bullying causes a loss in self confidence, hinders achievement, disrupts routines, brings fear into the lives of parents and children, prevents parents from protecting their children out of their own fear and leads to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
Accountability involves forgiveness.

Bullies need to:

  • Hear the impact of their behaviour on their victim.
  • Be willing to accept responsibility for the harm they have done.
  • Compensate the victim.
  • Apologize

Society must evolve to a point where bullies are held accountable and their behaviour is seen as unacceptable if we are to ever live in peace as people, nations and globally.

Let's discuss ways bullies can be identified and victims can be empowered safely.

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3 comments

  • Comment Link kim dernes Thursday, 15 January 2015 03:20 posted by kim dernes

    my husband bullied and intimadated me for 30 yrs he made me wear leather and 8inch boots he brought hundreds of things on ebay and threatened me he would leave me if i didnt go out with him wearing these items he also told me how to have my hair and makeup everything became so critical and detailed i could never do anything right and i have a chronic pain condition fibromyalgia the more ill i got i couldnt go out or wear such high heels but he didnt care about how much pain i had i was groomed slowly at first then layed off when i had my daughter then he cheated on me he wrote terrible things about me being a burden because i couldnt work he tried to make me into his fantasy woman he was so controlling with money and everthing he threatened me that he would leave me so many times i was scared he then left me ill and abandoned me said i was not his responsibility tried to give me back to my old disabled parents after 27 yrs marriage he is now dating lots women wants to start againat 52yrs doesnt realise what state his left me in thinks we can be friends i am so dissapointed he left me because he doesnt want to live with invalid he said i feel used and abused and lost i thought our marriage meant more he is an evil narcossist i have to keep him away or he continues to bully me i am now a mess dont know how to come to terms with way ive been treated he is so aggressive verbally and sees me as a mistake he is discusting the way he treats women as trophys to make him look good

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 30 August 2012 23:12 posted by Guest

    Bullying by Ex: My ex husband and I have been divorced 3 years and he is on a mission to gain custody of our son even though I won full custody from the court and he has liberal visitation every other Thursday-Monday that I honor religiously. My problem is that I have received numerous emails from him ranging from everyday topics about caring for our son to untrue accusations about my parenting, my job status (accusing me of getting fired when I didn't), stating our son won't listen to his new wife because of me, that I am "abusing our son" and will "ruin him" with my "sickness." I never initiate contact and he is tireless sending sometimes 5 emails a day about a completely random topic such as my son's hair being messed up or the fact that I don't return clothes that belong at his house (which is not true) and all manner of petty, accusatory, and sometimes slanderous statements to which I often do not respond. I try to stick to the facts and address topics that are absolutely necessary and try to put it out of my mind but I believe that he is harrassing me and have considered a restraining order or peace bond. He drags me back to court repeatedly and it is often not heard or thrown out by the judge but I am afraid the judge puts me in the same category even though I never file anything and I do not attack him with emails daily as he does me. I am very frustrated and out of options. If someone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 20 January 2011 23:31 posted by Guest

    Bullying is a major problem: Bullying is a major problem. My stepkids' mom does it to them and to my husband. And it is exactly as you describe: intimidation, shaming, blaming, isolating. Her speciality is screaming, demanding and namecalling/demeaning.

    Although my husband has learned to see through it (after years of help), my stepdaughter (15) still is subject to it. For example, her mom yelled at her about something three years ago, and she is still afraid to do it again. (Something completely acceptable and reasonable.)

    Sadly, I do not believe her mom will ever understand the impact she has or accept responsibility for her behavior. So instead we are focusing on giving my stepdaughter the tools to see through it and take care of herself.