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Week 1 - Crying. A lot of crying.

Week 2 - More crying and some anger.

Week 3 - Crying intermixed with a lot of anger.

Week 4 - A little crying. A lot of anger. Onset of loneliness.

Rinse. Repeat. That's pretty how much it went down for me. It wasn't fun at all. And it lasted for 6 months.

Part of surviving the loneliness associated with divorce is plain old endurance — realizing that this is a stage which will help. Even in the midst of it all, you need to remember that there will come a day when this overwhelming grief, anger, loneliness, and all the rest will go away.

Does that solve the problem? No. But reality set in about week 4. I had been lonely most of my marriage. The real problem wasn't the loneliness. It was the reality that now everyone KNEW how lonely I was. And in my mind that translated to them seeing a huge sign on me that said "Broken. Loser. Outcast." It wasn't until I discovered that was how my brain was working that I was able to actually start making progress.

So, analyze your loneliness. Find out if it's because you are actually alone or because of some sort of stigma you are putting on yourself without even realizing it. If you can lose that mental baggage you can really make some powerful strides forward.

And of course music is a good way to get that empowerment back. Did you know there is a Discussion on the forum to post your survival playlists? Check that out and listen to music that speaks to you where you are. It will help a lot to reinforce that you are not the first one to go through this.

Get your atmosphere positive. Ditch his clothes, belongings, things you find yourself dwelling on. Find the worst triggers and box 'em up. It isn't about 'forgetting' so much as about giving yourself time to heal. And picking at the scars won't allow you to do that.

Reach out. You've already found this network, but have you ever heard of Meetup? You can find groups and activities that meet on a regular basis for just about everything you could think of. And you can do it in your local area. The hardest part isn't the meet and greet. It's getting out of your front door. If you can do that, you will be feeling so much better. Trust me.

You've had a rough run. Life has really thrown your for a loop. And despite all the stuff I've listed, you still have to come home to an empty house [children don't count in this scenario]. Get a body pillow. fill that empty space in the bed. It won't make you feel lots better, but it will help you sleep. And sleep can help keep you mentally strong. Life is hard enough with sleep. Don't lose more than you have to.

Consider a pet that doesn't run around in a plastic ball or float belly up in a tank. A pair of big eyes, lolling tongue or purring that drowns out your music can go a long way when you feel like crying. Someone who dotes on every word you say. Something that is warm and loving and wants nothing more than to just BE with you. Who expects very little of you and gives you warmth and comfort. Those things can't be underestimated. 

And of course, get a makeover. You don't need a lot of money. A girlfriend or two and a good haircut can help. They say that the first thing a divorced woman does is change her hair. I don't know about that, but I do know that when push comes to shove you can feel a lot more empowered knowing that you are looking as good as you possibly can at this moment.

Remember, it's not a race. There is no date you have to be 'all better' by. The show must simply go on.

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  • Comment Link redboxer Monday, 01 July 2013 15:21 posted by redboxer

    Hi. I am brand new to this Community. I would be interested in any and all "words of wisdom" that you ladies are able to share.
    I am divorced twice; the second time being 2 1/2 years ago, after a ten year marriage. We have been apart for 5 years and I still can't move on. I go out a lot, but I am unable to "connect" with another man in the way that I did with husband #2. I realize I am twenty years older, and wiser than I was when we first met, but I miss him.
    I wonder sometimes if I should just abandon my attempts to bond with another man. Maybe two marriages was my life's love "allotment".
    Anybody have any ideas?
    Thank you; I am not having a good morning.