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Today I want to talk about a moment during sex that many of you probably haven’t analyzed before: That is, the moment of initial physical mergence. Cause you see, a close divorcing girlfriend of mine recently took a new lover whose ‘entrance’ made her roll her eyes…with annoyance.

To use an analogy, his ongoing technique resembled a Samsung Sewing Machine flicked on at high speed:  da-da-da-da-da — you get the picture. Even when she gave him subtle hints of what she wanted, ie, murmuring to ”go slow’ or holding him tight and close, he quick tailed it back into fast-gear.

As my girlfriend and I discussed this ‘never-been-talked-about-before’ topic, we both agreed on one thing: this wondrous moment is best approached slowly at least to the point where there is "pause". Cause the initial moment of conjoining, of being filled and consumed, is one where our longing and arousal turn into surrender we have offered the deepest part of our physical Self to another being. Even if it’s non-love sex, this is one of the most powerful and intense moments a couple can share.

We’d both assumed that men felt much the same way about it; that knowing that a woman was giving herself to him, that he was now connected to her and her sweet pleasure was his to enjoy, was a realization AND sensation he intuitively needed to fully savor.

So now, as my girlfriend and I continue to explore this vast, semi-wacky world of dating/sex post-divorce, I can’t but wonder: Do most people think there is a "right" way and a "wrong" way for a man and women to conjoin? Did we wrongly assume that this moment was as special to men as it is to women?  And oh no how many more men out there think this is how women like it?

My girlfriend was well-aware that she might have explained her needs to him more clearly. You know maybe talked about it with him in the afterglow of a session: or clearly, yet seductively stated what she wanted while wearing something lacy…

But the truth was that she wasn’t that into him anyway and felt too impatient to invest the extra effort.  As she put it: “There’s some things a 41-year-old woman shouldn’t have to say to a full-grown man.”

What do you think?


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  • Comment Link Rockmama Saturday, 08 May 2010 14:23 posted by Rockmama

    And they really don't know!: My STBX would lose his erection nearly every time we changed positions. I dealt with that for 9 YEARS. I'm so afraid I will be such a rabbit when all this is over. Sitting there, having to do the same things over and over so he could "keep it up" was so frustrating! He saw a doctor and the doctor told him something is happening in his mind when he is "in the act." He never cared enough to figure it out. Glad it's almost over. Sex is such a huge part of a relationship.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 07 March 2010 19:47 posted by Guest

    I couldn't agree more....: This is the one thing I have struggled with since being divorced 6 years ago. I am 36 and have a very healthy sexual appetite, it seems that after I hit 30 something inside of just like turned and and hasnt turned off since. Lucky for me, I became divorced soon after and sex was not one of the reasons it didn't work. We actually were very in tune to each other when it came to this. So now moving forward with the boyfriends I have had or dated, I just want to say that sex has been a huge trouble spot for me. I do find men that are my age or older that have no idea what to do in the bedroom and it is so frustrating to. I have a frame of mind that I am not here to teach a grown man how to perform or satisfy a woman, they should be past that already and if anything showing me new things. I find that they younger men are better and are so willing to please me however on an emotional or serious level the relationship wont go anywhere. I am stuck with finding the perfect balance as of yet and hopefully soon I will get the so call happy medium!!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 March 2010 13:46 posted by Guest

    Amen...... I loved this: Amen...... I loved this article. My STBX is a two stroke wonder. I really tried to explain on numerous occasions to advise him that I needed more interaction from him that the standard quickie. I will leave that to his now married girlfriend who left her husband for cheating. Ahhhh the irony.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 28 February 2010 21:33 posted by Guest

    Some men never get it or just don't care.: I am married to a man who still thinks this is the way a woman wants it. We are going down the road of divorce. I have bluntly told him what I want in the bedroom and he corrects his performance. Unfortunately, he goes back to his technique after a few times in the bedroom. Prior to marriage, he did try harder to please me and seemed to get better with time. Almost immediately after marriage he began doing things his way only. When I approached the topic then he didn't want to be intimate at all. I went through a lot of self doubt at the time. I began thinking something was wrong with me. It was a difficult time in our marriage. I thought we had things worked out. I was wrong. Our marriage has failed due to multiple reasons, but this was a huge issue. The time came when sex was either his way or no way at all. I was on an emotional roller-coaster and feeling sexually isolated. His way was gratifying for him and emotionally wrecking havoc on me. I directly approached this with him and suggested reading material and websites. I poured my heart out to him and nothing changed. I offered a compromise so we could be equally satisfied, but I ended up doing all the compromising. I know I am an attractive woman and I take care of myself quite well. I have learned a valuable lesson for the future. I realize some men never get it or just don't care. These are the men to avoid, its not worth your time. I know it is possible to find a man who cares. I agree there are things you shouldn't have to tell a full grown man. If you have to tell the man, than run, run away as fast as you can. He just may be my ex-husband.