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I've been staring at my computer screen for the past 20 minutes trying to think of how I can write what is going through my head right now with regard to my marriage. Just when I think I have a cognizant thought, I dismiss it as stupid.

"Maybe I should write about how sad I am that my marriage is the way it is," I think to myself, and then I dismiss it because I don't want to feel even sadder by putting it into words.

"I know; I'll write about how I wonder if I have some sort of sexual dysfunction because I don't want my husband to touch me and the thought of having sex with him makes me want to cry." Then I think about how writing about not wanting sex with my husband makes me feel like less of a woman, so I disregard the thought.

I would write about how I feel like I'm downright stuck, and how nothing in my life has really turned out the way I once thought it would, but I don't know if I can put that into the right words to sound less like whining and more like I'm being profound.

You see, when nothing seems to make sense anymore it gets a little harder to try to package it all up into a brief summary. If I simply typed what's going through my mind it would me a mishmash of "I'm confused!/How do I fix things?/I don't think I can take this./Help me!" Generally I like to be a little more eloquent in my writing than just a stream of consciousness filled with Woe Is Me and desperate cries for help.

Sometimes, though, I take a step back and look at my life and I'm thoroughly confused as to how things have gotten to where they are today.

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12 comments

  • Comment Link Cheryl Tuesday, 12 April 2016 03:33 posted by Cheryl

    If I didn't know better I would think I had written this word for word.i try to reach out to my husband but he won't talk to me about anything. Our sex life stopped years ago. When he comes home from work he always has this expression of hate on his face. He makes me feel sooooo unwanted in my own home. I can tell you honestly that if I died tonight he wouldn't care, not one bit. I'm angry, hurt confused, lonely,and trapped because of finances,

  • Comment Link Jocelyn Thursday, 09 April 2015 03:15 posted by Jocelyn

    Right now I hate my life. I taught for years and for the last few years absolutely HATED it. I ended up resigning from my last position thinking that I could find a "better" job. Almost a year later, I still have not found a better job and right now it seems impossible. On top of all of this I am still single and almost 40! I HATE MY LIFE!

  • Comment Link Dorothea Tuesday, 14 May 2013 13:05 posted by Dorothea

    I know how you all feel, I have woken up for the past 7 years wondering what I have done!! Married the wrong man, the has taken every thing from me, my woman hood, respect, now I have 2 boys and they are growing up in a family that has no love, constant fighting, shouting!! Have tried to divorce 2 times pulled it back to see if things could work out, and I know now it will never work out, but I always ask my self what do I do, I know what I want a divorce, but he won't let me go, I don't know what to do and I'm STUCK!! My kids are growing up to see hatred and no respect, I dread the thought as to how they are gonna be after being bought up like this, I know I should divorce before its to late, they are 5 and 6 now, but as I said he won't let go, I hate the fact of sleeping in the same bed with him, do not want him to touch me. Well let me just add that he was the cause of this, when I was a couple of months pregnant he smacked me so hard that my bottom teeth lifted and had to have them repaired without injections cause I was pregnant, he always threatened me with knives, or to throw me out of a double story window, he used to smack me at the bottom of my feet if I didn't have sex with him, I will never have respect for him ever!! No matter how I try to get all the bad out of my head, I think I deserve better in my life, what about my kids?? Any advice please. And cause all of this I have no patience with my kids, I'm always so depressed and I hate the way I handle them, its NOT their fault.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 July 2012 12:42 posted by Guest

    beautiful: Love your writing....what great imagery and really helped me today. Thanks!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 29 June 2012 04:44 posted by Guest

    Marriage as it Rains: You walk into this world of Passion and Promises
    But stumble into an unforgiving shower.
    You find ways to protect yourself from the cold rain
    But it seems to get you anyway.
    First it drips, then it pours
    You never saw it coming, But it's headed your way.
    The darkest cloud you may ever see
    You know you need it, otherwise the drought would
    shrivel the life out of you...
    The rain falls joyously reminding you that fertility is your survival
    after all, those plants don't grow themselves.
    The rain has come and gone but the effects that came with it
    leaves a trail. Broken branches here, broken branches there...
    pretty soon you find, your crop has been destroyed and replanting seems impossible.
    Where to go from here.
    The rain has taken all my hard work with it.
    How to rebuild, it's simple you see,
    there will always be another hour, another day
    another year another season. To start over fresh
    to prepare for the next unexpected rain...

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 17 October 2011 15:16 posted by Guest

    I am trying exactly what you: I am trying exactly what you didn't get to do and it is so difficult to feel the intensity I once had for my marriage. I've been in therapy for a year and while it is good to talk to someone when the session is over I have hope but it vanishes as the days pass until the next visit. We have been together 20 years and the passion is gone. I am being selfish cause my thoughts are not to give up what I have but also want the passion with someone else. I am stuck and just keep waiting to have an jolt of something that will let me know what to do stay or go.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 04 June 2011 18:47 posted by Guest

    Think about the Flip Side.......: I remember feeling "stuck" too in my marriage, it didn't turn out how I anticipated it to be. In the beginning it was like a real life fairy tale and I was playing the lead role and he was my "hero"......not too soon after we married the rose colored glasses came off is when we started experiencing problems in our marriage. I felt very miserable and often lonely and discouraged not knowing how to fix something that was so broken. I remembered thinking to myself I wished I hadn't gotten married. My marriage only lasted about 6 years and sadly ended in divorce. We had 3 kids together and now I'm left raising them all on my own. You want to know what true loneliness can feel like?...I've had a lot of time to reflect on what went wrong. There are many things I wish I could have changed to make our marriage last. Compromise, trust, love and forgiveness are some of the things I wish I could have used more of that would have hlped to improve my marriage. He wasn't a bad man and I'm not a bad woman.....we just made bad choices and didn't realize what life would have really been without eachother. Now what we have remains in our children. I hope that helps anyone who's thinking about throwing in the towel on their marriage.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 February 2011 14:00 posted by Guest

    I feel your pain, you're not alone!: I completely understand where you are coming from. I relate to everything you wrote, my marriage included a big move to be with my husband and I don't think he every really truly understood what I gave up to move here. But, I made the decision so I can't blame him. I try to look at everything critically and talk to friends who don't just take my side. They make me realize that in some ways I've only seen my side of the story.

    Reading the comments, I'm starting to wonder if my issue in the sex dept. is nothing more than a hormone issue since I took birth control pills for many years and only notice a major change upon coming off of them.

    The suggestion above of the vision board is a good one. Ask yourself this: What is the biggest issue in your marriage? If it's fnances, sex, poor communication, etc, then next ask yourself: If that one big problem were solved, would that be enough to want to make you stay with him?

    I feel stuck too, I feel as though nobody understand and for the past several years I've weighed the pros and cons of staying vs. leaving. At the end of the day I know that the grass isn't greener somewhere else, there will always be issues just different ones. No matter how I feel, I'm forging ahead with a 'divorce is not an option' mindset.

    I hope things get better for you

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 19 April 2009 01:52 posted by Guest

    Start with the knowledge that you are really o.k. !: It may be difficult to see now but you are really, really o.k. -- and healthy. Believe it or not the feelings you feel, although chaotic and painful, are exactly the ones that open the door to change. First, I doubt it is sexual dysfunction you are dealing with but a combination of fatigue, hormones and lack of communication with your partner. Cheer up! when nothing makes sense anymore and you acknowledge it - that's the moment you are most ripe for change. Let the sadness be there and don't try to get away from it - try exploring the things you do like (even if you can't get yourself to do them now). Make a list of everything you love or once loved and next to it a word or two about why. Marriage like people go through many phases - you can change your marriage if you are willing - passion is between your eyes - Have you considered any professional help. It doesn't have to be a long term thing and it can be done via telephone, email and Skype - this technical world offers a number ways to get some guidance so you don't feel like everything is so dark and hopeless.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 09 April 2009 12:05 posted by Guest

    One of the last times my: One of the last times my husband did something really mean and thoughtless to me I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour and cried and thought over and over, how did I end up here? That became my constant thought.

    I finally left because I couldn't take the disappointment, anger and resentment I felt any longer. My leaving has been a really hard thing on everyone. When kids are involved it is so painful and not having a cohesive family makes me often feel like I'm living in an altered reality. Sometimes I feel like I traded some issues for others. What I can say is that being away from the noise and taking action has helped me see things I never could have if I stayed. It has helped by husband as well.

    We are not getting back together (my situation was abusive so I just can't) but for a more "normal" marriage it often seems that a separation can give alot of clarity. You are lucky that you have a year of peace to think about these things. Maybe it could be a good transiton when he comes back. Your kids will by then already be used to him not being around on a daily basis.

    Wishing you the best!

  • Comment Link Dana Leslie Nease Wednesday, 08 April 2009 13:10 posted by Dana Leslie Nease

    Vision Boards!: Hi Girls... Make a vision board! It'll help you de-clutter and find some peace....

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 08 April 2009 12:01 posted by Guest

    me too!: I know exactly how you feel. I feel the same & don't know what to do or where to go from here.