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I read with great interest Cathy Meyer's article, What to Do if Your Husband is Cheating.  I know she's the expert, and I'm certainly not, but I don't think I can be as reasonable about an affair as the article seems to prompt women to be. 

You know what I just can't get to fit nicely into my brain? It boggles my mind that an affair could be something that my husband and I could work through together rationally and come out of it all stronger than before.  Maybe I look at things a little differently, but here is what really gets me: sex with someone other than your committed spouse is dangerous.  Even with a condom, you can wind up with some really nasty diseases that at the least will give you unsightly sores and at the worst can kill you in a slow and painful death.  Am I really supposed to work to save a relationship with someone who is willing to give me a life-threatening disease just because he wanted something different in bed?

It's a different world out there.  A one-time sexual encounter (especially if it's in the heat of the moment and there is no protection involved) can kill you, and can kill your spouse who you go home and sleep with after you're finished having your fling.

No, I'm not willing to pensively approach my husband and coddle his emotions if I know for sure he's having an affair.  If he's so stinking miserable with me that he's willing to kill us both — even if it's indirectly by contracting a sexually transmitted disease — then he's not the kind of guy I'm willing to stick around with.

I'm not going to be reasonable if I find out my husband is cheating.  I will pack his bags and leave them on the porch.  The end.
 

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21 comments

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 09 June 2012 13:59 posted by Guest

    I have so little faith in: I have so little faith in most men at this point. Especially my generation (I'm in my mid 20s) From what they do, while you're loving him, thinking you're a good judge of character and experiencing the level of betrayal that breeds self contempt and hatred. Been there, done that, and the verdict is - I am ready to walk away over infidelity. The people recommending "2nd chances" don't have to deal with my internal demons. I am committed to a happy life and doing all I can to share that with a deserving man. Some women will never see/know the level of deceit some men feel comfortable in. I can't control what they do, but I can control who I keep around me.

  • Comment Link lifesucks Saturday, 11 February 2012 14:23 posted by lifesucks

    just my two cents: Hi, I agree with those who say don't judge another woman for taking a man back until you are in her shoes. I always thought I'd kick his butt to the curb, but then again, I never thought he'd give me reason to do so. After I discovered the first affair at 19 years of marriage, I wanted to kick him out, but he explained this sexual desire (a kinky controlling thing) that I was never into and he found a woman less than half my age online who was. Even though that should have given me enough reason, he broke it right off with her (it had been going on for a few months). I truly thought our marriage was stronger as he became a better husband and father (so I thought) for about a year. Now 2 1/2 years after that affair, I've learned of another. I thought I was more alert this time, but I was not. He just got sneakier. This affair lasted for 18 mths, he is in love with her (and me if that's possible) and moved out as he said he can't hurt me again. Meanwhile, he won't give her up (which kills me, because he brought her into my home as a babysitter and I fell for it cause they both played up that she was a lesbian - my child adored her, I befriended her). I know what you're thinking "how could she be so blind?", but I guess love is blind and when I would get suspicious of something, he would get tears in his eyes and say how he promised he would never hurt me like that again and would tell me if it wasn't working for him - that he never wanted to see me in that pain again. Well, I'm in much more pain than that and as wrong as this all is, I'd probably be stupid enough to give him another chance with counseling. Crazy, huh? We are getting counseling, but I did see an attorney and am filing for divorce. If I can't trust him with my heart, I can't trust him with my finances. I do believe in giving a second chance if it's a one time thing, but if you suspect anything later, it's probably not just paranoia, your suspicions are likely correct. Sorry.

  • Comment Link eve Friday, 10 February 2012 17:10 posted by eve

    today -I just don't think i can stay married to this betrayer: AHHHHH! I am having one of those days where I wonder what the hell I am doing here trying to work things out with this betraying p.o.s who has ruined our marriage, caused my children stress worry and insecurity, and expects me to just pick up the status quo - like nothing ever happened! I am trying to be patient and to find peace in the Lord- our counseling helps. He is stepfather to my older children 2 in college now and one just graduating and i can see they have lost respect for both him and me(for putting up with it.)
    The little one though- she is 5 and she adored her daddy- she is insecure right now- because he took off for 3 weeks -"to think about things" and was really on a drinking and wild sex binge with that nasty creature. I told her he was working out of town- but he never bothered to return her calls and she did not understand and sensed that i was lying. (she kept telling me so) Any way he is back- and i can see that although she tells him that she is mad and he hurt her feelings and she doesn't trust him- she is happier. Such a mature and sensitive little thing-so in tune to every one and everything- she is happier and seems to have much less anxiety-(except for when he leaves for work, she always asks him if he is coming back now) I can support us money is not a factor- but TIME is. I home school her because she has anxiety and could not fit in to the time slot at a regular public or private school. Time... that I would have to take away from her... working more in order to be our families ONLY source of income. ...No TIME for homeschool..... No TIME to spend with my son this last year he is home... No Time to help him and my 19 year old daughter get through those rough first college /job years... less money to help too, but i can make that money up.. by taking more Time away from them to work more ... ahhhhh. I love my husband but realize that he is a man-child who will probably not stop cheating no matter what he says or how much counseling we go to. After all this is not the first time ... or even the second. I know he needs me to be his support, to run the business that I own half of. He tells me I am trying to ruin him if i suggest getting out of our business to follow other pursuits. I know he loves me as much as he is able but i believe it is a shallow and selfish love. He is wonderful with the little one as far as playing with, going places, sports participation puzzles and even baths and other caretaking.... but i keep thinking about how for the 3 weeks he was "lost" in his mistress- he didn't even call not even after she asked to call him and left messages. Ahhhhh..... I have prayed until my knees are black and blue, and my Pastor sent us to Our Christian Counselor who is great and definately trying to get him to hold homself accountable and see how painfully damaging his infidelity and resulting behaviors surrounding it are. So here we are and the Lord, I feel is telling me it's not yet TIME to decide... but RIGHT NOW TODAY I just don't feel like I can live another day with this man. Thanks everyone for letting me vent. I apologize for the over long post. I really needed to get some of this angst out. :)

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 15 June 2011 09:46 posted by Guest

    Cheating Husband: the article is hilarious and quite a solution provider. Lolz.yea sticking with a stingy man is quite disgusting. He is obvious not welcome to ruthlessly play with your emotions and leave you empty handed. But I think being empty handed is better than dirty hands. Imagine you get a man who is involved in multiple dirty women and share the same filthiness with you.. eewwww.. never!! The thought was quite nerve wracking for me, that why I googled to find a solution to know whether my man is sleeping around with others or he is a holy cow. :p the method of reaching the truth was quite exploratory to me, first of all it was quite an excitement to adventure the man I know for the last 5 years and then knowing the things that are still hidden under many curtains, so I hired the services of a mobile spy software, StealthGenie, economical and convenient. I operated on his mobile from home when he was on his business tour and had mind blowing results of infidelity,,,, and the next day, his bags were packed. Now I enjoy and praise my spying instincts.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 March 2011 21:33 posted by Guest

    wht 2 do: i've been married for 5 yrs togethr 10. he cheated on me whn our 1st son was just a yr old. i found txts on his cell whn it went off @ 3am one morning telln him goodnite babe. so i was so angry, i punchd him out of bed, threw him out, and took all his crap 2 his wrk the next day! of course he denied anything evr happend with her but i knew my gut. after about a month of him beggn 2 come back, i finally gave him anothr chance, only bc he swore nevr touchd her. only 2 find out aftr i had already slept with him tht he had slept with her aftr i kickd him out! i was devastated! really didnt knw wht 2 do cause my son was so happy 2 have his dad back, how could i take him away fm him again. so i agreed 2 try and wrk it out. its been very hard 2 get past it at times but now we have anothr one yr old 2 think about as well. he says he would nevr do tht 2 me or our family again, so y dnt i believe him. dnt knw if i'll evr trust again! does anyone aftr such betrayal? should i have kickd him out again whn he was finally honest with me? cant dwell on wht ifs. just dnt want my heart broke again!

  • Comment Link candy Wanda Friday, 27 August 2010 00:16 posted by candy Wanda

    I am a newlywed I've only: I am a newlywed I've only been married 6 month.

  • Comment Link divrcedsocialnetworkgal Friday, 12 March 2010 14:00 posted by divrcedsocialnetworkgal

    Everyone, join the social network and post your questions there: A friendly hello to all of you who posted comments here. You should all join the social network here and post what you posted here, there, in the "blogs" section. It's a private, secure social network for all women in all stages of divorce. The women there are very supportive of each other. It's an incredibly supportive environment.

    If you post a blog about your divorce issue or challenge, you will most certainly get a number of very supportive comments and advice from the women of the network. They all are either going through it, or have been through it, so it's your own private network of divorced or divorcing women, sisters, girlfriends .. all providing great support of each other. Just go here and sign in: http://community.firstwivesworld.com/?page=home

    I hope this helps! It certainly helped me :)

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 March 2010 15:50 posted by Guest

    Husband was trying: I've been married 5 year now to a man I thought was perfect just to get slapped by reality. I was told by my sister that my husband has been comming on to her asking her to send him pictures while at the same time I'm on the phone with her and he is in another room. I feel its as bad as cheating even worse because its my sister. WHAT DO I DO? To top it all off I just found out a couple of weeks ago that I'm pregnant...even more confused on what to do?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 14 August 2009 23:55 posted by Guest

    Cheating husband of 33 years: It's been 6 mths now that my husband of 33 years told me he cheated on me with my brother and his wife/sister-n-law 20 years ago and then 4 yrs ago with my same brother and his new wife which was a best friend and my sister-n-law. They used absolutly no protection. I have never been with anyone else but my husband my whole life and they didn't even care if they gave me a disease or a death sentence. I am still having trouble with this. I told him I would try to work on this marriage but I am very sad and blue and think about it 24/7. Now I am having dreams and nightmares about it all. I really don't know what to do. He says the sex with her wasn't even good and that he doesn't know why he did it. I told him he better be figuring it out why he chose to do this because I deserve to know why!!! Not sure how all this will turn out.........

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 14 August 2009 21:27 posted by Guest

    cheating husband: i stayed.....trying to forgive.....but I will never ever forget.....one night stand so he says.....I was pregnant to his second child, he treated me terribly and to be honest I had grown to hate him anyway.....Says he will never do it again but I don't believe him.....Once a cheater always a cheater.....In my eyes he is insecure....i would have never cheated because I had morals. Had my offers and still do but wont hurt my children and destroy their family, but my husband cares too much what easy women think of him and he gave in because he has low self esteem.....I stay mostly for my children and trying to make a happy environment for my kids. They love their dad and cant take him away from them unfortunately I will sacrafice finding love with a real man who loves and honours his wife....Oh well maybe in my next life if it exists....

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 10 June 2009 19:08 posted by Guest

    i don't believe that the: i don't believe that the relationship is healthy for you . I'm having problems with my husband and we've been together 13 years . I don't know how to fix it . What I do know is that no unfaithful man is worth the kind of agony a woman goes through in this situation. They're not made of gold to be adorning us , but of flesh and bone to faithfully accompany us. If they are not able to do that then in my opinion they should stick with those kind of women. Believe me my brothers were cheaters and I have seen a lot of it . No woman should ever lower themselves for a man like that . Good luck to you and in whatever you decide I hope you are as happy as you deserve to be.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 29 May 2009 12:49 posted by Guest

    abusive cheater: My ex was physically abusive while using drugs and then cheated. Both betrayals hurt, but I can tell you that the cheating was definitely a worse betrayal for me.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 16 May 2009 16:27 posted by Guest

    am i being unreasonable?: hi there, i really hope someone can advice me with my situation. I married to my husband for over 4 years now and things were never great between us. We had been together for 4 yrs prior our marriage and we broke up cos he went online and met another woman (which he denied of cheating at first) but they broke up due to the long distance i guess. Before i knew all these facts, he been trying to get back with me and was very apologetic and told me how much he loved and missed me. I was so touched and without thinking i married him. After i found out the reason of breaking uo with me i wasnt happy and it wasnt the first time but i forgave him anyway. Yea its easy to forgive than forget tho. A year ago i found out he was still emailing this woman who caused our break up, i went ballistic as he told me he blocked her and deleted her email and numbers. It was her who sent the first email and so the communication starts again. He knew i wont like it so he decided to hide it, but i found them anyway on his outlook...we had a huge fight and since we had other problems, he decided to move out. However, he comes home all the time and he is here 24/7, but he is also still chatting with her. He told her he's divorced and moved out and only come home to see our dog. She keeps sending her photos to him and says things about their past etc. I confronted him and he said i have no rights to go over his privacy and he doesnt love her cos she has a kid. I told him that i dont like their relationship even tho just online chatting, phone calls and text messages. He now has password for everything so i wont find out. The more he hides the more i get annoyed and suspicious, eventually i found his phone records and they are still contacting each other... What should i do? Am i being unreasonable? Ofcourse there are more to this and i have tried everything to save our marriage, we still have sex all the time we just dont kiss or hug anymore, i cried so many times cos he lies to me. Is their relationship healthy? Am i being unreasonable? Everytime he says anything i will think of her too and compare myself with her...am i a physco? A control freak?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 25 April 2009 05:56 posted by Guest

    PLEASE READ LADIES: See apparently you probably was not taking care of home right if he had to go outside his marriage to find at least ok sex from somewhere else. I wonder did you slack up on the oral when you slacked on on the sex. A guy can love you and be in love with you at the same time, but if he gets tired of jacking off or getting the same dull sex everytime he has sex with or you constantly come up with reasons not to have sex with him how can you or any woman can say i'm agry cause he cheated on me. Unless you are in the hospital or sex what is the problem. Women feel once they are married they can control when a man suppose to have sex. Sorry ladies you have another thing coming if you think that way. Only a retard will sit around and wait for the women he marries to give him sex.If your sex was explosive when you started and now you can't hear a firecracker pop. That man will get him another female that will do him right. Example. you give your dog dry dog food everyday. complain about that dog but never want to except the role you play because you feel well at least you feed his ass no matter if it is twice a month it's enough to keep him alive. And then some bright day another woman comes along and feed your dog a juicy steak,then the next day she feeds your dog something else thats good. You see that your dog stop eating your food now you want to know why he's not eating. So now your dog wants out he wants to go with the steak lady because she knows what he wants. You can't get mad at no one but yourself because that is neglect and any man that is neglected have the right to go out and get some ass. PLease ladies stop saying he cheated because you ony cheat if someone is playing the same game your playing it's not cheating if your playing by yourself

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 05 March 2009 07:04 posted by Guest

    A woman's intuition is: A woman's intuition is normally correct. I found my husband cheating on my when my daughter got sent home sick from school. They were at my house, on my couch. She and her husband were our friends. Needless to say I was shocked. My husband and I seperated, but went to couseling and I thought were doing better. It has been over nine months. He swore to God that he cut all ties with her over eight months ago. Yesterday I was dropping my daughter off at school and he passed me on a street he was not supposed to be on. She passed me going the other direction. I dropped my daughter off and realized there was a park on that road. I drove down the dirt road to the park and guess who was backed into two parking spaces with the sun visors up and she was sittitng on my husbands lap in his truck? I simply pulled up to his drivers side and looked at him then pulled away. What else could I do? Scream and yell like a crazy person. We all fight like crazy when we feel like we are losing the most important relationship in our lives, but when the other person isn't in the same battle it isn't a fight. It's a chase. Don't make yourself crazy chasing him around if he is running like a bat out of hell in the other direction. In order for a marriage to work both parties have to do the work. He isn't if he is not standing beside you and supporting you in even the simpliest of battles (her accusations of threats, come on!!!!) I can't tell you that it won't hurt, or that you should turn off your feelings. I still love my husband. I don't want to, but I do. I am disappointed in the man he has become. I am disappointed in the person that i've become. Ten years ago, the first time I caught him this would've all been over, but like one of the other women wrote you make allowances for things when you are married. The lines in the sand are not always so clear. This time for me they are. The first time you can give a second chance, but after that I don't think it's that easy. You are in my thoughts. Remember that you are the rock even when you don't want to be, and you aren't alone when you get to those moments when you just want to run. If you had the ablilty to do that you would be a man, LOL

  • Comment Link Sophia Monday, 23 February 2009 01:14 posted by Sophia

    My situation is bad: Where do I start, I awalys had my doubts about my husband's infidielty but nonetheless I never caught him cheating until now or so it seem. I found phone records of another women that he has been talking since he was deployed back in 2007 and when I found out I called her and asked her who is she to my husband and lets just say that didnt go well. I then confronted my husband that night after back and fouth calls and he denied even knowing her. Well that night was a bad night. I left a few not so nice messages for her, which thats were I went wrong because then she had the power to press charges on me for terrorist threats. My husband did nothing about it but he told me to let it go. Eventually I had to hire a lawyer for 2,500 to drop the charges. After all this my husband blamed everything on me and he was due to leave for Korea because he is in the Army. Well of course the phone calls between them didnt stop. The day before he left for Korea he spend the day in Georgia with this girl so I think because he had a connecting flight there, well I drove througt the night to low and behold find him there in the airport when he left the day before so he told us fo Korea. Well bottom line he never admitted to any affair with her but that she was just a friend and he spoke with her on the phone because yes we were going through a lot of problems but thats still no excuse. This girl dosent to really seem to want him like that but I know something is brewing. My husband has blamed everything on me and is treating me like I did somthing worng because she tells him things. We have been married for 10 years, have two kids, a home and a life that is no w ruiend. I'm scared, dont know what to do I seem to lose my cool and my emotions are getting me the point were I'm just sick. Any suggestion or help. Thanks for listening.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 February 2009 22:57 posted by Guest

    I used to be just like you.: I used to be just like you. I could have written your post in the past. I SWEAR I used to wholeheartedly think like that. "If he ever cheats, he's GONE." Then my husband cheated. And do you know what lesson I learned? I learned that I will never EVER draw hard and fast lines like that again, and I would NEVER judge another woman for her choices. I used to think that any woman who kept her husband after learning of an infidelity had no self-esteem or self-respect. But it is SO much more complicated than that. You may have children together, a home, built a life together. Maybe you've spent half of your life with this person. It's not so easy to "pack" up ten years and "leave them on the porch". If the man has no history of cheating and is not a serial cheater, then you wonder what failed in the marriage to cause him to seek out something (and someone) else. You might surprise yourself and see that you can look at the cheating as the symptom and try to fix the cause of it so it doesn't happen again. When you are in that situation (and I hope that you never, ever have to be), you may not hang on to your "rule" so tightly. Don't judge others for their choices that you have never had to make, because you could never understand completely unless you've been there. And don't try to say what you would do in any situation with that much certainty because you NEVER know until you are in it for real.

  • Comment Link Debbie Tuesday, 03 February 2009 14:30 posted by Debbie

    I wish I had: My husband used me for years and years. He jumped from one job to another and from one career field to another. I put a 3-year old in full time day care because he couldn't provide and never went without a paycheck. After we were married 25 years he had an emotional affair (which my kids discovered when they found emails that he had printed and left sitting out). I forgave him and we went into therapy. Three years later I discovered the physical affair (same woman); we sent back into therapy. Two years later he left me.

    I wish I had thrown him out the first time. Or the second time.

    What did I teach my daughters? That it's okay to cheat, or be cheated on?

    Debbie

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 February 2009 13:48 posted by Guest

    No matter what your line in the sand is....: If you are contemplating divorce, it's best to play it cool. Sure, we'd all like to trash the bastard's truck or dump his crap out on the front lawn. But unless you want to star in "My Psycho Ex Wife" on Court TV, that's not the way to roll. Psycho ex-wives don't have an easy time getting the custody arrangements they want, or favorable property divisions, because if you're that irrational, who knows what else you might be overreacting to?

    And in the days of no-fault divorce, unless you can trick your spouse or play on his guilt, you're not getting more than half no matter what the hell he does to ruin your marriage. It's so much better to be smart than to give in to those momentary outbursts that will damage your credibility. My ex didn't cheat on me physically, not till we were separated, anyway, but I promise you, I got much more of what I wanted simply by documenting facts and having my paper trails in order than by pitching a hissy.

  • Comment Link Wanda Tuesday, 03 February 2009 12:55 posted by Wanda

    This is an emotional situation...: ...but, I agree with Cathy - best to keep your emotions under control. Megan, while I know that finding out your husband had or is having an affair would be devestating on so many levels, that he is "having the affair" is exactly the reason you should keep your emotions in check. "She who shows emotions, first, loses the battle." And trust me, if he slept with someone else, there is a battle being waged. Perhaps it isn't swinging swords and blazing guns, but it's a war nonethless.

    A cheating spouse isn't killing your body, he's breaking your heart. The legal system is tricky. But, keeping a cool head would give you the first advantage.

    Had my ex been unfaithful to me with another woman, I could try to rational that his one night stand or, God forbid, affair, should not be the single reason we dissolve our marriage. But, my ex was an abusive, wife beating drug doing SOB. I would have preferred he had cheated on me; the marriage might have survived that battle.

  • Comment Link Cathy Tuesday, 03 February 2009 11:44 posted by Cathy

    Coddle his emotions?: Megan, if you feel as strongly as you do about your husband cheating it would pay you to be reasonable. With no-fault divorce laws in effect in every state except New York it is the reasonable woman who comes out ahead in divorce court. Plus, when you co-own a home with a husband or have co-signed a lease, you don't have the legal right to pack his bags and leave them on the porch. You can request he leave but if he refuses only a court order will get him out in a case of infidelity.

    As for coddling his emotions, those are your words, not mine. I hope you are never faced with infidelity but if you are it would pay you to coddle your own emotions and respond with a rational, reasonable head. If you did end up in divorce court being reasonable is something you or any other woman who is cheated on should put a lot of effort into doing...or being.