I finally feel as though I've figured out how to be single, and I like it. I love that if there's a mess in the living room, it's mine. I love that things stay where I put them. I love that the sink isn't full of little bits of stubble every morning.
I love that I can put silly things on my dashboard without hearing, "What if I want to drive it?" It's my car. It's my chair. It's my mess. I can be as selfish as I want because I can.
My mind, my body, my apartment — for the first time in over a decade, they're all mine. Not being married is going to be ok, because being single is awesome.
About a month ago, I met someone. And — there are feelings. I'm not entirely sure what they are — they're unexpected, unplanned, and they're scaring the fuck out of me. I am not at all ready for this.
"Why," I asked him, "do we meet someone marvelous when we aren't wanting it?"
"Well," he said, "saying, ‘I'm going to go find a relationship!' is the same as lying in bed and saying, ‘I am going to sleep now!' You know?"
Oh, I know. I'm not good at sleeping, either.
Luckily, he lives 3,000 miles away. Luckily, he's as skittish as I am. Luckily, we're both perfectly content to keep this non-relationship open and undefined for now.
How long is it possible to just stay this way — to keep what I like about the feelings and what I like about the single?
After a divorce, are feelings something anyone actually feels ready for again?