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A recap of week, after spending very lovely weekend with Long Distance Boy With Whom I Have Undefined Relationship:

Monday, October 29: Exhaustion.

Tuesday, October 30: Delight. Giddiness for majority of day.

Wednesday, October 31: Sudden, overwhelming urge to flee. Desperate desire to be the one who calls things off first. Solicitation of advice from Kingsley, who agrees that fleeing is the best plan, and Scott, who calls Kingsley an idiot. Declaration by Scott that one is not permitted to cut and run on a national holiday. Embarrassing amount of journal writing and smoking in attempt to sort out panic.

Thursday, November 1: Continued panic. Complete conviction boy in question is seconds away from calling whole non-relationship off. Desire to call boy and admit panic/seek reassurance tempered with knowledge of boy's very busy week/fear that admitted neuroses will drive boy away. General sense of horror at self. Dinner with boy's friends, one of whom says he would certainly run away himself, which does not alleviate fear in any way.

Friday, November 2: Moderate unhappiness, unwarranted crankiness at students. Continued horror at insecure, girl-type behavior. Mildly intriguing flashes of insight into panic which does nothing to end panic. Continued stubborn refusal to call boy. Aggressive taking-out-of-feelings on kitchen, which is now terribly clean.

Saturday, November 3: Composing of email to boy admitting panic. Redrafting of email. Eventual hitting of "send". Wondering:

Why self-sabotage is so easy.
Why any kind of feeling seems like such a risk.
Why it's so hard to trust.
Why any kind of happiness seems undeserved.
When the scars left by a failed marriage will stop dictating every moment.

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