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I didn't want a divorce. Nope, I wanted my marriage to work no matter what the cost.

I invested years of energy trying to keep the marriage humming along. In the end, I discovered that it takes two people who are willing to invest energy and effort. According to my former husband, it just wasn't worth his energy or effort.

I think I'd still be married if I hadn't one day sent him a loud and clear message that it was time for him to start participating in the relationship.

The message was received, processed and immediately rejected. He looked at me, picked up his car keys and said, "I'm going for a Coke." That was it. The end. He went out for a Coke and never came back. The man took a wrong turn and just kept going.

That is when I started the "what if" thinking and second-guessing myself. I wanted to do my marriage over again yet, do it better the next time around. I wanted the chance to do it differently. I wasted a lot of time looking back wishing I could change the past instead of looking at what might come next.

One day out of the blue, I realized I had to be honest with myself. I didn't have any control over whether or not my marriage was over, but I sure could do things differently. I had to start with what I had control over, like how I live my life and take each day and make the most of it.

Here's how I survived my unwanted divorce, maybe these ideas can help you:

● I learned to approach each day as a new day. I no longer wanted to spend a day angry over what had happened in the past or beating myself up for screwing up. If I was lucky, it would be a day in which progress in my healing would take place.

● I learned to let go of my anger at my former husband. Hey, I had mistaken defective for exotic. It wasn't his fault that I hadn't paid more attention before attaching myself to him. He is who he is; my anger wasn't going to change that and it wasn't going to take me where I wanted to go, so the anger had to go.

● I tried not to allow expectations to get in the way of my happiness. I might not always get what I want or think I should have. That doesn't mean there isn't something out there just as good, if not better than what I thought I wanted.

● Rational thinking isn't so easily applied when you're dealing with the irrational! I didn't want to waste any more time trying to figure out, manage or predict what was going to happen. Let's face it, divorce is an irrational process and you need to keep your wits about you.

● I realized that men are different! This is a big one. Men aren't like women and if you wait around for them to "get a clue," you're in for a long wait. This revelation, coupled with lowering my expectations, has enabled me to develop a deeper appreciation for what some men have to offer. I've even found a few out there who made me glad my former husband took a wrong turn and just kept going!

Cathy Meyer is the head of About.com's Divorce Support channel. To hear more from Cathy, go to: divorcesupport.about.com

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  • Comment Link lizette Thursday, 25 February 2016 19:13 posted by lizette

    My husband just left me. For his parents. 3 yrs married. 7 together. Husband struggled OCD, itimacy and closeness. His mommy and daddy continued encouraging him spending time with me. While I worked, studied - to provide.

    For years I asked them to support our marriage. NOthing.

    Now we get divorce - his back on strong meds, seeing psychiatrist, attending a divorce course.

    Begged them to babysit a potential dog for him. No. He gets back home. They buy him dog.

    In short - thanks my what ifs must stop.