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There is an online site called divorcebusting where women who are trying to save their marriage go for support. I was reading posts on this site and there seems to be one thing the women posting have in common. They are all waiting...

Waiting for their husband's midlife crisis to pass,

Waiting for his affair to end,

Waiting for him to come to his senses,

Waiting for the pain to lessen,

Waiting for life to get back to normal.

If I could say one thing to those women or any woman who is divorced and hoping to restore her marriage, it would be, go ahead and wait. Wait but in the meantime live life wholeheartedly. Live life so wonderfully well that when the thing you have been waiting for happens it will be nothing more than a gentle shiver in a life exquisitely established without it.

Out of the darkness of an unwanted divorce, it is possible to find moments of joy. All it takes is effort. The effort that comes with realizing you can't fix him and shouldn't really have to. You can, however, fix yourself by choosing to live a life without compromise.

As Ghandi said, "In the midst of darkness, light persists." Be persistent in the pursuit of light. Pay close attention to the small moments of joy. Don't fail to appreciate them just because you may have days where getting through seems too much to bare. Don't allow the waiting to get in the way of the thrill that comes from experiencing new beginnings and new opportunities.

An unwanted divorce can dismantle your optimism and upset your equilibrium. It can take the wind out of your sails and you will find yourself dead in the water. If you ever want to make it to the shore of singledom, learn the art of persistence. Explore who you are, mind, spirit and body. Build up your strength, be tenacious about not letting someone else's choices control how much light you have in your life.

One day you will discover that the waiting is over. You will find that it doesn't matter if he ends his affair, or wakes up from his midlife crises or comes to his senses. Because, while you were "waiting" you will have built a life in which his presence is not necessary for you to be happy.

Click the following for a directory of articles to help you keep a healthy mind and spirit through divorce.

Cathy heads up About.com's Divorce Support channel. Go to About.com's Divorce Channel to hear more from her.

 

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15 comments

  • Comment Link steve Wednesday, 26 July 2017 17:48 posted by steve

    This is so much like what happened to me, I could have wrote this. I see this is about 2 years ago. So I doubt you will see this. But I would love to know what happened to you. Did your spouse return and try to reconcile?

  • Comment Link Callum Campbell Sunday, 25 September 2016 21:35 posted by Callum Campbell

    I am a husband my wife had an emotional affair that turned sexual. We found out on my daughters 17th birthday and and only 4 days after our 22y anniversary. My
    wife has followed the midlife script and has blamed me for everything wrong in her life. I loved her truly and part of me always will even though her treatment of me has bordered on cruelty. she tried to cover her behaviour by claiming that i was abusive and bullying and told all her friends this. Only two of her friends knew about the affair (the other man is 13y older and was married over 30y). The plan according to the text messages I found was to spin the yarn about me being abusive (i want to believe that this was his idea), her to move out and him to join her after a respectable break. Well after we confronted her about the text she simply left that night, his wife left him and my wife moved into his marital home. That now are renting a flat and my wife and i are divorcing. My daughter asks me if i could ever reconcile with my wife if she came back. The answer would be that if it was just an affair..perhaps... but given the lies that the used as cover for her affair and how she tried to ruin my reputation I don't think I could take her back after all the emotional abuse and pain it caused me and the kids. The kids are staying with me (their choice) and she has only spoken to them once since she left. By accounts I have heard she is doing great says she is very happy with the other man. Its like a bereavement in a way...the woman I loved has gone....I don't know if she will ever snap out of it and change back. For me though I think it would be too late.

  • Comment Link Kinzy Saturday, 27 February 2016 18:27 posted by Kinzy

    Should I start to date in the meantime? I have 2 children, 2 and 4, and I really just want to go on a lighthearted date to put-put golf or something like that, to help get my self esteem out of the gutter. The "I love you but am not in love with you" combined with dumping me and our marriage like yesterday's old news is a huge pill to swallow. He said our separation is only so I can have time to get used to the idea of him divorcing me. He encourages me to date and then when I talk about moving on gets angry with me. The hard part is that he comes every weekend to see the kids, sometimes gives me "long" hugs only appropriate in an intimate relationship, and then 5 hours later is treating me like I am horrid. I just want to go on a nice date, no strings attached. Is this advisable or even possible? Does anyone just go on friend dates anymore?

  • Comment Link Ia Wednesday, 24 February 2016 07:41 posted by Ia

    Thank you for this wonderful article
    As if You were reading and seeing my suffer
    You makes me feel better

  • Comment Link patchi Thursday, 28 January 2016 21:19 posted by patchi

    Thankyou very much this article gave me strength and lov ...In my passage to own myself again..

  • Comment Link Shell Tuesday, 28 January 2014 05:53 posted by Shell

    Its been 4 months, my husband left us - me and his 4 kids to go live with an ex gf who he dated in high school! he still lives with her,, and convinced himself that everything was my fault and has done everything that he could to demonize me with everything. I miss the man that I married and my kids miss their father but what can I do? the amount of selfishness that has happened is beyond anything that I could have ever imagined. HE barely acknowledges his children and rather indifferent to them when they show how angry they are towards him and his lying... he really isn't thinking about the future and the damage he has caused his kids at all. All I know that after 4 months he is still adamanant that there is no future for us - he tells this to my daughter when she asked him innocently if he and I were being civil. It hurts let me tell you. Never thought Id be a single mom at 41.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 17 August 2012 18:24 posted by Guest

    You want a "normal" marriage?: You want a "normal" marriage? Newsflash, you had one and you were bored so you had an affair. Grow up and put your big boy pants on! What about your wife? She was married to someone like you. Did she have an affair, no she didn't. You are right about one thing, you don't deserve her!

  • Comment Link Shea Monday, 13 August 2012 22:53 posted by Shea

    Sorry, I give you 2 years: Sorry, I give you 2 years max.....and you will be the one to leave again! There are no words of love, honor or respect for your wife.

  • Comment Link heather Monday, 13 August 2012 20:48 posted by heather

    why are you on this site if: why are you on this site if things are working out?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 13 August 2012 01:39 posted by Guest

    I'm a husband who had an: I'm a husband who had an affair...never planned it, never thought I would do it, and if you asked anybody that knows me, I'm the last person you would think would do so. I thought my wife didn't deserve me because of what I did and likewise, I didn't think I deserved her because I got to a point where I didn't feel loved and fell out of love - while my wife was pushing me away, a very attractive younger woman was pursuing me. I got to a point where I filed for divorce.

    But my wife was patient and prayed and went through a lot and didn't give up on me. She worked on improving herself and continued to pray. My affair ended and I came back to try to reconcile - even though I felt I was out of love, I also felt that I was lacking in my understanding of marriage and didn't know of the right tools to strengthen my marriage (which needs to happen on a daily basis). We forgave each other and try to move forward without bringing up the past and just to slowly try to repair the marriage...a lot of damage still needs to be repaired, but we both are making progress towards a goal to make our marriage normal and even better than before. A potential divorce can be a turning point - it was for us and in some ways, the affair was important - it was a wake-up call for both of us that we need to focus on our marriage....in turning our personal wants into unified wants....turning our individual "ME"s into "WE's". Remember that we are all flawed and it's never perfect but I have realized through all this that marriage is a growing up experience for both of us...and we're learning together and I already see that anything is possible...I could never picture myself as I am now a couple months ago. We find that focusing on having a God-centered marriage is important since it gives us faith that everything will work in the end. We also try to live by focusing on TODAY, forgetting the past, and not worrying about the future. I hope this helps someone who's reading this.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 11 August 2012 12:18 posted by Guest

    Oh my gosh, are you sure you: Oh my gosh, are you sure you weren't married to my stbx's twin brother?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 11 August 2012 08:17 posted by Guest

    A pattern emerges. I think we: A pattern emerges. I think we want the fairy tale so badly that we settle for way less than we deserve. I spent my whole marriage waiting for my ex to love me. He was like that man in Click. Everything but family was a priority. When I realized he spent more time speaking with strangers while on vacation than with family I realized I had wasted enough time on my house of lies. And to be brutally honest he was absent on his best days. We want to see good when it's never going to be better. Who needs that? Best thing about my marriage? I grew up.

  • Comment Link Shea Saturday, 11 August 2012 00:35 posted by Shea

    WAITING......that is the crux: WAITING......that is the crux of it! I waited for 18 years for him to be the man he said he was, the man I thought he was before we got married. Our routine was every three years, a shake up somehow revolving around him which effected the family in a negative way. I waited patiently for him to do what he needed to do. We were at that 3 year mark again when he walked out, and again I was told I had to change and was threatened with divorce as a way of control. I finally took control and said I WOULD WAIT NO LONGER. The one time I asked for a divorce, I meant it!!!

  • Comment Link Eunice Tuesday, 05 July 2011 20:03 posted by Eunice

    I love this resource. It: I love this resource. It helped me tremendously during the rebuilding phase of my life.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 08 April 2010 10:54 posted by Guest

    Waiting for their husband's: Waiting for their husband's midlife crisis to pass,

    Waiting for his affair to end,

    Waiting for him to come to his senses,

    Waiting for the pain to lessen,

    Waiting for life to get back to normal.

    Well at least they are patient LOL