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From The Experts

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I spoke with a woman recently who was surprised by how raw her emotions were after her divorce was final. She thought separating and going through the divorce process would heal the pain she had been in for so many years.

She had no idea that healing after a divorce meant dealing with unprocessed emotions. She wanted to move ahead full steam and had no idea how to respond when the pain got in the way of her plans.

Maybe you have found yourself in the same situation. If so, here is some good news for you...you are normal!

Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. If you're experiencing negative emotions when you think you should be feeling great, don't beat yourself up over it.  Painful emotions are, after all, an opportunity to grow.

Pain acted upon appropriately leads to growth and healing. Pain ignored or acted upon inappropriately leads to further pain and suffering. That post-divorce pain should be considered a tangible asset. It is your choice whether this asset will be used in a self-destructive way or channeled positively toward building a new and rewarding future.

Below are a few tips for processing the pain and turning it into an asset that will help you move on:

  • Divorce means change. Realize that every divorce brings about change, and change is not always easy. There are times we are tempted to look back, because it is easier than facing the fact that we now have to rebuild ourlives. Trust yourself that you can handle anything that comes along and that you have made the right decision to divorce. Don't let fear overtake your judgment or cause you to doubt your abilities.
  • Take care of yourself. Riding this roller coaster of emotions is taxing, so make sure you develop good self-care habits during this time. Get plenty of rest, avoid stress as much as possible, put non-essential things on the back burner for now, and eat a healthy diet. Self-care after a divorce is a requirement if you want to maintain your health.
  • Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Journaling your emotions through divorce is very helpful for most people undergoing a major life change. If journaling is not for you, then maybe you need a counselor to help you deal with your emotions. It is helpful to have a professional you can tell your innermost feelings to, and then never have to see again when therapy is completed.

In essence, you have to be willing to accept the changes that come with divorce. Treat yourself kindly both physically and emotionally. Be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and, if you can't process these feelings on your own, seek help from a trained professional.  And throughout it all, never forget that what you are feeling is normal!

 

Click the following for a directory of articles to help you keep a healthy mind and spirit through divorce.

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61 comments

  • Comment Link Pat Friday, 18 November 2016 03:51 posted by Pat

    That you for the website. I'm 28 and I am in the middle of separation with my wife right now. been married for two years now and we have a set of twin. We had a great relationship in the beginning but after I lost my job, she became the major provider in the home then she eventually lost respect for me. I could live with that because I felt it was her natural response to a heavy responsibility she was carrying. I have been able to bring in money every now and then but not as much as she earns. We have been privileged to live in a luxurious apartment given by the organisation she works for. Every family seems to be doing well financially, assets-wise, and all. this has made my wife to put pressure on me to buy a car, plan certain parties and the likes just the way our neighbors do. In as much she understands that I cannot those things, her parents have advised her to separate with me because I am kinda blocking her from greater life, that I am a dependent only dragging her, and more. I feel a lot of pain because she has decided to go with the parents decision. we have also had smaller disagreements concerning domestic work. she prefers to do things only her way which makes me feel very disrespected. She reported me to the local authority, asking them to kick me out of the house. they gave us advice to sort out our issue but she has made up her mind. now for a about a week she has left home, abandoning even the babies. I feel really bad that she can not even care about the 1 year old babies who are still breastfeeding . I never wanted to separate but it looks like there no way out. I feel so bad when our children cry.

    why why why???

  • Comment Link Shawn Wednesday, 03 June 2015 10:53 posted by Shawn

    She told me that she was bored and wanted a divorce. Now 2 years later she says that I dragged her into depression. If that happened, it was after she left. Then 2 months after the divorce was finalised, she Marries a much older, jobless, selfish guy. I think she was probably having an affair with him before she decided to divorce me. So why do I( feel guilty when she must pay alimony for the 4 daughters she left with me?

  • Comment Link missi Tuesday, 30 December 2014 02:31 posted by missi

    My husband and I were married for 20 years we've been together since i was17. Absolute love of my life my only marriage. We got mixed up in drugs and on July 4 2011i got sober. That also happens to be the day we separated. We tried to make a go of it but he continually cheated and using drugs. I made the decision to walk away but after almost four years i still cry everyday. .i keep wondering if it will always be this way. Will i ever be able to love again

  • Comment Link Brenda Friday, 25 April 2014 14:21 posted by Brenda

    I live in a very small town. I'm 45 been married 17 years. We are divorcing. We have almost split repeatedly over the years esp when I caught him sexting with 24 yr old from his work.. It literally made me sick. He worked overnights would tell goodnight in the morning and that he loved me then go to our room and send pictures of themselves to each other. That's just 1 time there were solo many others to many to mention.. We have not had sex for 3-4 years I've lost count. Not bc I haven't tried.. But his infidelities are my fault bc he has been so lonely. I was soo and am still very hurt.. I have been just as lonely for just as long. I admit this last 6 months or so I have given up. I feel like all I am is a maid.. I will be glad when it's final but I also , idk why, still love him.. I'm scared I will be alone the rest of my life. I hate how men can just move on. Like our lives together were nothing.. I don't want to see him with anyone and he has run my self esteem in the ground.. I'm sad and lonely and afraid that's how I will die.

  • Comment Link Andre russel Saturday, 05 April 2014 04:00 posted by Andre russel

    The breakup of a marriage can be one of the most difficult and painful experiences a person can suffer. This pain can be exacerbated by the discovery of a spouse's infidelity. The initial reaction of most people is to confront his or her spouse immediately upon learning of the infidelity. This, often times, can result in a legal disadvantage to the innocent spouse. Alienation of affection lawyer nc

  • Comment Link Amy Eleniewski Sunday, 13 October 2013 16:44 posted by Amy Eleniewski

    After almost 20 years of marriage and 5 children, I find myself divorced. I didn't expect to be feeling so much pain and hurt a full year after it was finalized. I feel like such an idiot right now. I allowed him to move back in as he really could not pay to Luce on his own and somewhere in my head I had hoped for reconciliation. I'm not sure why. He shows no consideration, care, he's just freeloading and I'm once again feeling trapped in an abusive relationship. No friends or family near me. Everything in my life is flipped upside down right now and I don't know how to right it.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 17 February 2013 15:29 posted by Guest

    I can completely understand: I can completely understand how you feel. I have been with my husband for seven years and I have been actively helping raise his children, I was never able to have children of my own. He walked out for no real reason almost two months ago. I still see the kids almost as much but my heart is still breaking.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 15 February 2013 06:55 posted by Guest

    I can't tell you how close: I can't tell you how close our stories are. I am in the throws of finalizing a divorce with a man almost eight years older, has incredible potential and all of the education, creativity, and physical know how to accomplish his dreams but he just WON'T! Again, not that he can't. He refuses success and any level of reliable prosperity out of sheer pity for himself. Pity that affects every aspect o his life. Pity that he leans on and uses as a cruch. Pity that convinces him that he's doing enough; that his choices are justified, and that being an unreliable member of this family is okay because I can coordinate and cover everything. My brilliant husband works as a security guard and is holding onto this for dear life. I wish he wanted better for himself. Of course his chosen profession is honorable work, but I'm talking about fashioning his situation to Steve Jobs working at the Apple Stire as a sales rep. Makes no sense. Anyway - this guy also has sociopathic tendencies. Has suffered from emotional, physical, verbal and sexual abuse as a child (I later found out), and is generally one of the most manipulative and self-serving people that you'll ever meet. He has never rarely kept a promise to me, has almost never celebrated an occasion with me that didn't require a full-on red carpet treatment for him ie absolutely no work, and has generally put me in positio s where I either had to suck it up and take care of the family and everything else or risk complete failure and loss of everything gained thus far - which is not much since I've spent years and 10s of thousands of dollars trying to cleanup the messes that he has created.

    Do I love him? I did at one point. Now I just want to get away from the monster. Our son who of course loves him really doesn't have a gray relationship with him. My husbands idea of "parenting time" is to ask the homework question upon arrival from school and then make our child, who is a teenager, go to bed every night at 9:30. Possibly, making himself feel like he's done something, packaging it away and moving back to his virtual world - literally spending every waking hour fixated on a mobile device. I sound a little bitter, I know. I'm really a very happy and productive person with a lot of great friends and supportive family. I'm just trying desperately to pull myself out of quick sand and I'm almost there.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 14 February 2013 05:51 posted by Guest

    35, No Kids...: I wish I had been 35 with no kids when I divorced.

    Firstly you will get a clean break. Secondly you can start a new relationship without "baggage" from your last.

    My experience has been that it takes 3 years to detox after a bad marriage and 2 years for you to know someone enough to get serious again.

    Take your time. If you worry about not being able to have kids later do the modern thing and freeze a few eggs now. Nothing to loose. Something to do while detoxing from the bad marriage.

    The you have the whole world ahead of you to be free and find the perfect match.

    Having said that I married a second time but unfortunately I got divorced again. Yeah it happens. But this time I knew the signs of a bad marriage off the bat. So remember, whatever you experience in life. It makes you wiser and that is never a bad thing.

    Wishing you a happy life ~

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 14 February 2013 05:14 posted by Guest

    hole in my heart: I'm 35 and am going through a divorce, my wife and I had known each other from when we were
    Teenagers and had a thing for each other. But then we didn't see each other for about ten years
    And we both had marriages that for one reason or another ended in divorce. She had two
    Children and I had none. We got back together and after a year we married. We had some
    Really bad fights, she would always get really physical with me. I was always afraid I
    Would hurt her so I would always cower down to her. It was very emasculating to me
    because how could someone that is supposed to love me treat me this way. I found
    Out she was cheating on me also. I drive a truck for a living and make really good money.
    she and her kids were always provided for and she didn't have to work. I was gone
    Allot at different times and I feel guilty for that. We were together for 8 years she has
    Since moved out and I haven't seen the children in 2 months. Also I should
    Mention her daughter wasn't even born yet. I witnessed her birth and I named her.
    Her sons father died in February of 2012 and I have been raising him since he was 3 years old.
    I'm signing my rights away to her daughter pending a DNA test because I signed the
    Petition of paternity saying I was the father. I don't want this but I just want to get away from my wife.
    I think she has already told my daughter that I am not her father, she is only 6 years old. I am so
    Broken right now and I can't begin to describe my pain. I come to a empty house now. No
    Pictures on the walls no sounds of children playing and no one to talk to.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 12 February 2013 06:36 posted by Guest

    u and me r sailing the same boat but i have hope from future...: dear jess...i think u and me are sailing in the same boat. I am 33 years,married for more than 5 years,no kids (unfortunately or fortunately i donno).. planning for divorce on account of constant verbal and physical abuse and ill treatment.... i can understand yr dilemma and feelings very well as i am going thru same situation... i think u must speak yr heart out to people who still love u to gain courage for yr decision. Is yr family supporting u in this matter..please take their emotional support ..and being old doesn't mean u will not get a good life..and i have also heard people getting resettled in life after 35-40 years..be positive...positive attitude and a hope and will for better life will change yr situation..always hope fr best..maybe this was destined fr u ..believe in god ,believe in destiny..god loves us..more than our parents....so if he takes something bad from yr hand. Maybe he wants to give u something better or best instead...i am going thru similar feeling that maybe i will never fall fr anyone again bcos i loved him so much and i still do ..but it has become difficult to stay with him..... every time time i see him ..i feel why this happened..why he dint try to save our marriage...why he dint love me the way i did.....but all this of no use now....dragging on with same man will only add to yr misery..u kno wthat yr life will be hell..but laeving him might give u 2 choices ..either u will get a better life or u will be single..its upto u ..r u willing to take the risk..i think its better to risk ..
    .but my family is supporting me with my decision,next week i will be joining my family ....and i hope me and u and many more like us have strength to come out of their shells and walk towards better life...try to dream and move towards achieving it..think of what u wanted to be and what positive things u can achieve by leaving this man........there are portals nowadays on internet for second marriages i am sure u will find someone suitable who has gone thru tough times and want to resettle.....i wish u luck and hope best for u..

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 11 February 2013 10:27 posted by Guest

    Hey I understand I have been: Hey I understand I have been with husband for 19 years it doesnt work he live in another state .I and my daughter live in Ga by ourselves we grew apart .So I get this we are getting ready for a divorce after my daughter graduates highschool. He the breadwinner I am terrified.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 03 February 2013 21:42 posted by Guest

    You don't! It's absolutely: You don't! It's absolutely brutal. If your lucky enough to have a good day, moment or thought, enjoy it. I think society condition us to give up on commitment. I also think most men and women my age have no concept in general for commitment. I hate just about evey part of my life after divorce. I think it all has to do with luck and time. Self medicate! Your "friends" will walk out on you, you "fam" will get sick of being around you and nobody new wants to hear about you ex. Much less if you still love them. They say a month for evey year, so if you want to lie to yourself, that's a good start. I tell myself that all the time. My best friend right now is a bartender I don't even know. Good luck though! I sure you need it.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 29 January 2013 12:32 posted by Guest

    Going through divorce - mixed emotions: My husband and I were in a relationship for 2 years before we got married in early Sept 2011. Our relationship was mostly great. Then a few months after the wedding he turned into a monster who was verbally and emotionally abusive. He had issues with my family and wanted to totally isolate me from them (he didn't even want us to visit them on my birthday!). He picked fights with me, then would act sorry and make nice.. then the whole cycle would start over again. I became so stressed and didn't feel like I could be my own person. I became afraid of confronting him on his behavior because I knew how he would react and I was tired of fighting. I went to counseling to learn how to deal with it. He refused to go because he didn't think he had problem (I did get him to go twice, but only after dragging him there - and he was on his best behavior in front of the counselor). I left him last March 31st and went back to live with my parents. I'd told him I needed time away to think. Two weeks later we spoke on the phone and I told him I was done. I'm still in the middle of a divorce and while I'm relieved to be away from him and his abusive ways, I feel like my life's plans have come crashing down. I've always wanted to be married and have children. I'm going to be 35 in a few weeks and I feel so bitter every time I see people younger than me being happy with their spouses and kids. I feel like I'll never meet anyone and never get to have kids ... I'm probably already too old anyway. :/ How do I get past this?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 26 January 2013 18:29 posted by Guest

    I understand: I too am in the middle of a split and I have wondered for years if my spouse is bipolar. She went to the dr who said she's fine ( even though the dr did not pull out the DSM4 and did not ask her any questions to determine if she IS bipolar or not. Attributed it all to menopause. I don't think the dr can really make these assessments without the proper tools. Doesn't matter anyway our marriage is over. It is scary after being told for 8 years how lame I am and that I can do nothing, it's hard to find strength and courage. Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other. Just cuz one person doesn't love me, doesn't mean that I can't love myself. Any comments or advice is welcome

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 25 December 2012 12:11 posted by Guest

    Broken after divorce: I am sorry to hear your pain.I know exactly what you are going through. I have been divorced only a year this January and I have thought maybe it was a mistake and I miss him and I should have tried harder. I told him my feelings and there was not a big response. He is in a very blah space and didn't show much interest or emotion. We too had many children. We had 4 and adopted 2. One of the boys we adopted but significant strain on me, our marriage and our entire family really. I had little support and did not know how to deal with all that was happening. Ultimately our marriage broke down and we divorced. Now I am sitting here alone on Christmas and don't know what to make of any of this. Just going to try and trust God. That is all I can do. I hope you find peace and I am sure you will find love and joy again as you are healing and open yourself to other possibilities. One day at a time is all we can do sometimes. Count your blessings too!! That always helps!!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 18 December 2012 11:59 posted by Guest

    dicvorced for 3 years and miss her terribly: We were married for 26 years, have 4 children one 29 and triplets 21. Like lots of couples we had our struggles and having triplets made life more challenging than some. To make a long story short, I started having feelings for her the past few months. There are no words to describe how much those feelings have grown. I think about her every day and want so much to be a part of her life again. When I finally told her my feelings she told me she was in a "different place" and she didn't think it would work after 26 years of trying. We have always been close, talk and see each other almost daily so hearing these words have been devastating. I know the things that I have done to make her feel they way she does and have worked on them for years and she has seen the changes. The mind is a powerful influence on my life and getting the negative thoughts pushed out seems to be impossible. I am seeing a psychologist but it does not change the emotional distress that is with me constantly. Seeing my ex-wife with someone else is just not an option for me at this time. I am actually thinking about finding another job and relocating to rid the emotions that consume me. Running away from this situation is not what I want but I feel backed into a corner. I am 57 and have managed through some very, very, difficult situations but this one has dealt me a blow that I cannot manage.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 16 December 2012 11:06 posted by Guest

    Well first off how old are: Well first off how old are your kids? And never let a woman control you if you have always been there for your kids and continue to be when you leave don't make you a bad person.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 11 December 2012 17:20 posted by Guest

    Tell her: Tell her. Even if she doesn't take heed, and other people call you spiteful- tell her. Tell her because even if you wouldn't have listened then, you would have wanted someone to tell you.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 11 December 2012 16:55 posted by Guest

    I'm so sorry: Dear Tarun,

    Please know that GOD has your daughter and that HE is taking care of her. I am so sorry that you went through and are going through this. It sounds like your wife had a mental breakdown. GOD bless you and I pray that the LORD brings you peace.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 09 December 2012 22:44 posted by Guest

    Not meant to be happy: I was married to my wife for 20 years. We have three beautiful children together. I found out 3 years ago that my wife had been having an affair for 3 years. So, it's been 6 years all together since it all started. When I found out, I was angry and shocked that she would do this to our family. We went to marriage therapy and I thought things were still rocky with our marriage. In Feb. of 2012 my son brings me this "secrete phone" that my wife had been communicating with this guy still after 3 years. Once again I was heart broken. I told her that I couldn't do this anymore and wanted to leave. I started sleeping on the couch at this time. In March I reconnected with an old friend on fb. at first we were talking just as friends. My wife filed for divorce in June, that's when I moved out. I didn't see this other person until I was out of the house. Now that the divorce is final, my ex found out that I was talking to this person while I was still in the house. So now she is telling all our family and friends that I left because of anouther woman. My ex is from here and I feel like I have no support. I want to move acrosse the county where my family and friends live. I am so unhappy here but, I don't want my kids to feel like I have abandon them. The ex has already made the statmen that I left the kids for another woman. Should I go to NC and try to make a happy life for myself or do I stay here and let my ex continue to control me? I really want to go home. If I know that this new person really loves me, shoul I choose her over being with my kids? I know all this sounds selfish but, I've always have been there for my kids. I haven't been happy for a very long time.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 01 December 2012 14:15 posted by Guest

    Hurt and Confused: My GOD I understand!!! I am in that hell you speak of right now. I really need to talk to people that feel like this so I would feel less judge. We can email each other if you like.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 27 November 2012 20:33 posted by Guest

    Scared: I am so, so sorry. Addiction and abuse are not conducive to a functional relationship. You may think you are not strong enough emotionally or financially but you will surprise yourself. Get out. Get help. Stay strong. Visit your County for financial programs. If you have kids, you will not starve. If you are writing this, then you know something is wrong. Please know you are not alone.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 24 November 2012 14:18 posted by Guest

    scared: Dear scared,
    I was married to an addict for 12 years (I am not an addict and we didnt have children) and I can promise you that moving on with you and your daughter's lives is the best thing you could ever do. In my situation, I was 22 when I married a 35yr old man. I did not know he was addicted to pain killers for the first year and a half we were married. I found out when he never had money to pay his bills (at the time he worked) and his home was almost in foreclosure. Also, he had used the deed to his land as collateral for drugs! I assumed all the financial responsibility/debt while he got "clean" (he abused his methadone instead of pills). It was a miserable existence. He was moody and acted like a bully when he didnt get his drugs or things he felt entitled to (motorcycle). His whole life revolved around his drugs. When we seperated I was upset because I thought he really loved me. That was not the case, he only stayed with me to have his bills paid. Our divorce was final 10/01/12 and in that time I realized that i was comfortable with dysfunction. Looking back now it is something i will never tolerate again and my happiness will come first.....forever and always.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 18 November 2012 10:12 posted by Guest

    Scared: My husband and I dated for 10 years before we married 8 years ago. We both agree we are not happy. We love each other but more like best friends. Not lovers. We have been distant for a good 10 yrs. even though we have a 5yr old. I told him the other day that I don't think I can do another 15yrs with him for my daughter. I know it sounds selfish but we are so unhappy that it makes the home unhappy. It's so scary though because he is my best friend. He is so smart and always has my back. I will lose the closest person to me. With that being said I also hate him the same amount. Crazy huh? He is an addict and his using comes first. He doesn't abuse us or leaves. He is a successful user but its not the family or life I want. When my daughter goes to bed he goes into the garage for the rest of the night. I go to bed a few hours later and have slept in my daughters room for 5 years. I don't know how to do this. I'm scared I won't survive financially or emotionally. (Yes I do work full time but he is the bread winner). Any advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 10 November 2012 13:28 posted by Guest

    Codependant High School Sweethearts: My ex-husband (of two days now) and I met when we were both 14-years old. His mother had just left him, his dad was an alcoholic, and I began taking on the role of his caregiver and protector. He was a very confident, arrogant man, but did not have any reasonable ambition, and I went on to join the military, finish college, etc. all while he worked low income jobs. You would think that he would value me so much that he would treat me really well, but it was the opposite. He was controlling and put me down all the time. Never did anything sweet or helped me out around the house. I tried to leave multiple times, but he always starting sobbing uncontrollably and on occasion threatened to take his own life. So, as wrong as it is, I started having love affairs, not on purpose. But I fell hard once or twice and tried to leave him for them. Alas, those relationships would end for one reason or another, and although I told my husband about the affairs, he still wanted me, and I went back because I knew he would never leave me. The last time I came back and decided to change my ways for good and give our marriage a real shot. We had a son, and I became the best wife possible: making the majority of the money, cooking the meals, supporting him through his police academy, hosting parties, etc. Still, he was emotionally abusive, began screaming at me and would always drive off angry and leave me to chase after him. Once again, I fell into the trap of leaning on someone else to pull me out of this mess, and fell hard for an old friend of mine who was going through a nasty divorce. After telling my husband I was really gone this time, I rushed too quickly into the new relationship, to the point that we began renting a house, planning a life together, all before we realized how nasty our divorces would get. My ex-husband spiraled out of control with depression and anger, even stalking me and showing up at my house unannounced. We have since tried counseling together to sort out our problems that got us to this point, but he knows I am not interested in being anything more than the mother of his child and his friend. Now, I am alone again, with things with my new man on hold because of all the interferences. What is worse, is that I have loved him for years, and truly felt like I had finally found my soul mate. I am trying to concentrate on my son and doing all of the small things for me that my husband would never let me do, but the truth is, I had never expected to be alone. And now that I know I was so close to having the man of my dreams, I feel like I will never recover.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 05 November 2012 00:31 posted by Guest

    i feel so torn after seperation: So I'm 25 years old and I thought I was with the man of dreams. I have a beautiful daughter with him. As a father I cannot ask for better. As a partner it was the opposite. I found him cheating 1 year ago and I forgave him. We sarted over and I felt like things could work. We worked very hard to get a bigger home and as soon as we moved everything went down the drains. He would look at me, touch me at time not even talk to me. I thought it was me I spoked to him I tried so hard to mae things work but thing kept falling apart. I finally ended our relationship he is stil living with me but sleeps down stairs. Seeing him kills me and specially because I just found out he been talking to his "great friend" who he's always had feelings for. I have times where I feel I can move on and some days like today that I'm torn. I can't sleep think I cry everynight. I just can't figure out what I did or what really wet wrong..... I just feel so much hurt...

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 01 November 2012 05:53 posted by Guest

    Finally Finalizing Divorce after 21 years of legal seperation : I know this is going to somewhat odd , no actually its going to sound REALLY odd!!!! .I and my soon to be ex- husband were married back in 1983, I was 16 and he 17 and we were pregnant. We stayed married until 1991 we had two beautiful children together. In 1991 I had to have a full hysterectomy at the age of 24 after that things were not good Its was neither his fault or mine we just grew apart. I went looking for affection and found it and decided I wanted out( not for the man I had the affair with) I just did not want to be married at that time. In April of 1991 we started our divorce, we got as far as a legal seperation and settled the custody of our children. Because of financial reason at that time we could not continue with the lawyers and the divorce. He has had some longtime relationships through The years and so have I. But they all have feel victim to the fact that we were still married. Also through the years we have on and off tried to settled our divorce but there was always this paper or that paper missing. In 2000 he ended up falling for a friend of the family and wanted to get married in 2001 and I was moving out of state our daughter was coming with me and our son wanted to stay with his dad ( for mischeviuos purposes), so again we tried to finalize the divorce and it didn't happen. During this time they were making wedding plans, reserving venues, ordering flowers. sending out invites, Well their wedding date came and we were still married. They went through with the ceremony and said their vows to each other even though there was nothing legal about it , it was a marriage in the eyes of god . They did everything nessasary to legally change her lastname to match his. After awhile we just let thing ride again. I moved to another state and had also met a wonderful man. They were starting to make plans to move across the country so again, in I guess it was 2004 we tried to settle our divorce but the file and paper work was so messed up it was going to take alot of money and attorneys again to figure it out. so we didn't persue it any further. So here we are in 2012 our children are now grown and have been for sometime , One is married and has a family of her own and our son is just starting the whole engagment thing. My soon to-be ex husband and his half wife ( that is what I call her) have since moved and bought property, I and my spouse equivilien are buying a house. We finally decided just to tell our original state ,where we had filed for the divorce that we had reconciled and no longer want the divorce so with very little paper work it was canceled lol.( Funny how its easier and cheaper to stay married in the eye of a state that actually get a divorce) My soon to-be ex husband ,his half-wife, myself and my spouse equivient have become somewhat friends again through all this.
    To date my soon to-be ex husband and I have been married or will be in a few days 29 years, of which only 8 years we lived together as husband and wife , and have lead seperate lives for 21 years . My soon to-be ex husband has been with his half-wife now for 13 years and I with my spouse equivalient for 11 1/2 years .

    Now I and my soon to-be exhusband have decided that I am going to be the one to file for our divorce in my home state, so today i went and picked up the paper work came home and that when the feelings started and that is what brought me to find this page.

    I really at this time don't understand the feelings I'm having, I don't even know what I should be feeling. I knowI love the man i am with, with all my heart ( there is not even a question about that at all ) and I know my soon to-be ex husband loves his half wife. But there is a sense of mourning that I don't know where its coming from. I actually sat down open the packet read it and started filling it out when I started crying. I hurt, I have more feeling about this divorce today then i did 21 years ago and i don't know why. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm having all the feeling my soon to-be ex husband had so many years ago and for the life of me, I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!!! All I know is this is one of the hardest things I have had to do in a long long time. For heavens sake of actual marriage has been over for 21 years, this is just a formality, but yet I am having such an emotionally time with it. If anyone out there has any insight as to what is going on with me , please please send it my way . Thank you

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 30 October 2012 16:49 posted by Guest

    Confused : I left my husband 3 years ago , our marriage wasn't bad , we had two beautiful kids a home and good jobs . Why end it ?? He was a alcoholic , a twelve pack a beer everynight , spending his time in the garage not with the family. Anyway I moved out , a year later meet a wonderful man , fell for him immediately. We have now been together 2 years and all is still great. Problem is I can't stop thinking of my ex , if he stopped drinking could I have my family back ?? I still love him !! I want to move on but can't seem to shake the what ifs ! Any advice help ???

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 18 October 2012 11:17 posted by Guest

    I am so glad i stumbled upon: I am so glad i stumbled upon this website. I am 25 yrs old, been in a relationship for 9yrs with an older man. He is probably the most unambitious man i have ever met. Its like he sees money or success coming from one side and he runs away screaming in the opposite direction. Dont get me wrong this is not all about money and its not been for all those 9yrs. but we cant eat love, cant pay bills in love currency...

    i used to think i could make him see things in a different way but nothing has changed. last weekendi finally had it and i packed up and moved out when i had to drag him home from a bar where he was drinking-never mind that we still havent paid this months rent and bills...the thing that hurts is not that he cant be better,earn better and make something worthwhile of himself, but that he WONT. He simply doesnt want to!! he wants the status quo to remain as is. and he wants me to feel guilty because i am more hardworking and earn better even though i have never made him feel inferior. i have always supported all his endeavours, loved him, been loyal, by his side throughout-even when he cheated i stayed!!

    i am young and ambitious, working hard to achieve my dreams and live a better life. i wont go down the road my mum went down with my dad, giving everything up for him only to en up raising me up on her
    own...

    Let me reiterate that I LOVE HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE but i must preserve mmyself. i am much too young to start off bitter and tired of life and love. and i believe that if he loves me he should be willing to work hard an build a good future for his wife and our future kids..am i making the right decision or am i too naive and idealistic??

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 15 October 2012 13:08 posted by Guest

    CONFUSED: I was married for ten years but was with my husband for 14 years. We have two wonderful boys together. My husband and I have had a really rocky marriage. He was very immature and he didn't think about the future, he had no goals. He cheated on me once and I as much as I tried to forget what he did I couldn't. I caught him sex talking other woman and in the end I lost a lot of respect for him. We were constantly arguing, and I was always in a bad mood. My kids were being affected by all this. They didn't want to be in the same room with us. I met a guy in March of 2012 (i was still married to my husband) and we got a long real well. We had great conversation, he is mature, goal oriented, career oriented, no children, and was everything any woman would want. I started dating him and decided to leave my 14 year marriage for this man. He is the greatest thing that has happened to me. He is great with my kids, my family loves him and my friends adore him. However, I am still married to my husband. The divorce will be finalized by the end of this month, yet I feel sad and emotional. We didnt have a good marriage. We were both miserable and now that I am happy I cant help to feel that I could have made the marriage work but I think I did everything i could have. We went to counseling, we separated for a bit but we would go back to the same old thing. Is this normal what I am feeling?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 October 2012 21:09 posted by Guest

    Divorcing but not wanting the divorce: How do you handle a pending divorce after 37 years of marriage and another woman? I don't want a divorce, I want to work it out, but he is already openly dating this skank. Our children are so hurt, they won't allow him to see his grandchildren. We just buried his mother 2 weeks ago and moveed into her house and started to openly date this other woman. A high school person he dated over 35 years ago for about 3 months. WHY do I want him back? WHY can't I move on???? I really do love him and I believe that he will come to his senses before the divorce is final. Any suggestions, positive stories?? HELP WANTED!!!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 03 October 2012 10:06 posted by Guest

    Dear I know what you are feeling: Dear Joe, I know it's been months since you wrote in but I am in a similar situation. My husband of 14 years asked for a divorce last week out of the blue.
    About 6 months ago, he started to act odd and inappropriate then it would subside, then come back.
    He started therapy and she suggested he may be bipolar. We went to a psychiatrist and sure enough, he was diagnosed with bipolar.

    A week into his medication, he asked for a divorce. He is now two weeks into meds and is insisting that he will not change his mind when he stabilizes. I also feel like he has BPD traits as he thought the world of me then dropped me like a hot rock. This is a very common trait with BPD.

    I guess I'm just wondering how long it has taken you to feel okay again?

    I know logically that this really doesn't have much to do with me and I also realize that continuing life with him if he did change his mind would just be a roller coaster.

    It's just hard to grieve the loss of a relationship I thought I had that has just turned into nothing.

    Any advice would be great! Thanks

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 17 September 2012 11:45 posted by Guest

    Feeling Devastated: I don't know what to do. Why would she kill our baby of 24 weeks. I cry day and night every time I see a pregnant woman. I wish my baby girl would have born and the delivery day was Oct 30, 2012.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 14 September 2012 23:40 posted by Guest

    Dear beauty queen and perfect wife: You didn't do anything wrong. Look up the word narcissist. I too didn't understand it, but it is a personality disorder where they never really could feel. They were with you as long as you gave them supply. If you didn't, they devalue and discard you. You deserve better than that. It doesn't mean you won't have bad days, but you won't have good ones either living under a mass manipulator. They are aliens.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 12 September 2012 00:59 posted by Guest

    He didn't want me anymore: A few months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with his coworker. This is the 2cd affair that I know of. Being pregnant with our 3rd child, I begged him to give her up and go to counseling like he had done after previous affair. He refused. Since then I have endured a pregnancy alone, giving birth alone, and raising our children alone. He has visitation......but during those times he usually takes the kids to his sisters and turns on the TV. I feel so sad. I don't understand how any woman could be worth destroying your family?I've taken a personal inventory of what I brought to the marriage and I don't understand what was so wrong with me? I've won beauty competitions, I have an education, I'm a meticulous housekeeper, I've been praised for my good cooking, I volunteer at my kids school, I help with church activities, and I arranged EVERY Friday night for the kids to be at Grandma's house so my husband and I could go out together. What more could I have possibly done? I feel so worthless right now(maybe it's because I have a 10 day old baby and am sleep deprived.....). I just wish he could see what he's done to his children. I want everything to go back to the way it was, before the other woman. I want security, love, safety. Why did he do this to me? I've filed for a divorce and it's almost finalized.....I want to move on....but my heart keeps breaking over and over.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 08 September 2012 21:16 posted by Guest

    feeling devastated: I want to tell you how deeply sorry about what has happened in your life. I sincerely hope you find some relief soon. I know that it would take me a long time to get over what you describe. I have needed professional counseling, someone who was straight with me and helped me recognize and accept things I could not on my own.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 22 August 2012 09:43 posted by Guest

    I am feeling devastated right: I am feeling devastated right now. My wife aborted our 24 weeks child without even asking me and now is filing for divorce. She left our house on July 1 2012 after we had a small verbal arguement and since then refused to come back and got disappeared. I kept asking her friends about her whereabouts but everybody kept telling me lies that she moved to Canada to her sister's place. The moment her friends told me that she moved to Canada I got really worried and kept crying because I knew she will probably go for abortion as there are no legalities in abortion in Canada. But I was wrong later on I found out that she was in US and had gone to Washington DC to abort the child. We were such a happy couple, we used to go to the doctor to see the ultrasound of the baby every alternative week. We were buying a new house in Herndon, VA together. Life was so good, I used to kiss and hug my wife everyday in the morning. She was happy too but I don't know what happened in 2 weeks that she decided to take the life of her own child and now she is filing for divorce. I cry everyday for the loss of my unborn child and for my wife. At work, at home everytime her memories come in front of me and I feel so helpless GOD. Please tell me why it happened, I did not cheat on her, I did not physically abuse her but I only loved her. She was of the opinion that I disrespected her in front of the others and did not let her spend money. I am asking all of you are these such big grounds to kill your unborn child and leave your husband? Please someone tell me what shall I do to get my wife back, she hates me now but I love her so much.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 02 August 2012 17:45 posted by Guest

    Hi, I am going through the: Hi, I am going through the same thing except I am the one who left after 32 years of abuse. I left five years ago and have never filled for divorce, I was just waiting. For what I don't know, but got the shock of my life the other day when I had my grandkids over for the day and they apprised me of "Rita" I asked, who is Rita, they said Paps girlfriend, well you could of knocked me over with a feather. I was shocked, hurt and stunned, I know, I left but in my mind the marriage was over years ago and I did not feel a divorce was necessary because of all the abuse I went through I felt that the marriage was a joke, so a divorce would be a joke also. Well after 38 years of doing it all, working full time, raising 2 kids, paying everything, I just got screwed for the last time.

    I think this pain I am feeling will go away, Its just that when you invest so much time, you feel sick when its all thrown away and none of it can be fixed.

    Sincerely

    Gina

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 20 July 2012 15:39 posted by Guest

    New Feelings of Anger At My Ex Now That I Am Happily Remarried: Ok.....This is going to sound strange, but I just want to know if what I am experiencing now is normal. I left a 20 year marriage after years of emotional, verbal, and ultimately physical abuse. It took alot of courage to get out, but once I did, I knew I made the best decision of my life. After a few years on my own, I met and married a wonderful man who is truly a life partner. I thought I had no feelings of bitterness towards my ex when I left him, but now that I have had a taste of what real love and marriage is like, I am truly angry at this man that made my life a living hell for so long. Because we have children together, I still have to deal with him on some level. He's a real charmer on the outside and very few people (except my children that witnessed the abuse) think he's a bad guy. I even have family that has stayed in touch with this man and they have more communication with him than with me and my new husband. That alone infuriates me because it just feels like he got away with the abuse, which included my nose being broken which prompted me to get out finally. I find myself feeling alot of rage in his presence now, but of course I don't act on it. Because I came from such a broken place in my youth, I had no real understanding at the start of our marriage that the way he treated me was just wrong. And of course the level abuse grew with the years and I thought there was something I could do to reach him and reason with him. How wrong I was!! Bottom line is that I never knew how bad he really treated me and the kids until I got out and eventually found a new life. Please.....I need insight and guidance in dealing with my anger. My new husband has been completely supportive and understanding, but I see this rage in me building instead of dissipating. How does one heal when they have to still have to come face to face with someone that abused them? And yes, I have "confronted him" in private, to let him know that what he did to me was so wrong. I still don't feel any better. Please help!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 18 July 2012 14:30 posted by Guest

    Asked my husband for a divorce and now grieving: Well long story here but I was married to my husband in 2000. After 6mos of dating we married. It was great. He didn't have anything coming into the marriage but the clothes on his back. He had left a girlfriend of 3mos who he got pregnant and come to find out later it was longer than 3mos. I didn't care, I knew we could work through it and I would accept the child as my own and did. All I ever wanted was real true love. I rented a trailer and I had a 2yr old son and he accepted and raised as his own. We had another child together the 2nd year we were married. Then he was injured at work. He had surgery. Then he was injured again on another job. Back injury. Everything went downhill from there. I think he lost respect for himself as a man. 2004 we seperated. He didn't contact me or the kids then 3mos later I filed for divorce and he came running back to me begging and said he wanted to be a better man and father. I loved him and believed in him. Always have. This didn't last for long. He has had 11 surgeries since that time and been on medication since. Has changed meds from narcotics to non narcotics. Has been taking depression medication etc. We really fell off the intimacy wagon long ago and I was afraid to have sex and not hurt his back. The effection was dissipating it killed me inside. I always tried to be positive and motivating. I got angry at times because he was working then no work back on work comp due to more injury from degenerative joint disease that developed. I became bitter because he was always doing things he shouldn't have been doing and was afraid of him getting caught or cut off work comp although his injuries were real and legit, going beyond restrictions is a no no. He had jobs and was a hard working man when he was able but with the injuries they never lasted longer than a year at best. Then back to another surgery and off for 6mos to a year. I had to fight to get him to offer up his work comp checks to help pay bills. He never was involved with the finances. If I died he wouldn't have a clue what gets paid to whom. He continued to go out and help others for his own self gratification. I loved that quality about him but he always put the family last. He never really spent time with the kids the past few years. He just seems to have fallen apart. He would go to a friends house, start drinking say he would be home in an hour and it was always hours later or sometimes not at all. I would go outside to find him sleeping in his truck. I felt helpless. He began taking money out of our bank account not coming home. I realized it was a bigger problem then I thought. The final night was when he took the last bit of $80 we had didn't come home and I couldn't clear groceries or gas charges. My kids were up with me all night worried. He went to find a friend for a job lead and decided not to come home. I trusted him that he wasn't cheating just troubled. I asked him for a divorce after that night because the terrible pain he had caused for so long. Not able to rely on his word and count on him to be there for us and not everyone else all the time. I dont' know what happened. He met someone 5 days later and is still seeing her. I noticed on the call logs a new number and 2 long conversations. I called him he said no harm just someone I met nothing wrong with talking. I called her right away and she said he told her he was in the middle of a divorce and they had already slept together! NOT his type at all! 2 times bigger than me, tattoos all over and has 3 small kids. He has his own kids! I don't know what he is doing? He won't see me or our kids, wont speak to us or his family or friends and it has been a month. I have found other things out that I never knew that people tell me after the fact. I am grieving like there has been a death in the family but I asked for divorce. Now I haven't even been able to sign the petition. I text him all the time. He won't return messages or speak on the phone when I call. I can't sleep, eat, cook, clean. It's terrible. I trust in the Lord to guide me through this but 12 years of marriage standing by his side taking care of us financially and being the glue that kept us together. I got aggravated alot, work all day and he bosses the kids around to do chores while he sleeps and doesn't clean until I complain about it. I said things I can't take back. I had alot of resentments. His priorities were not the same as mine. Family first! I don't know what I am crying for or what I have lost really. I can't heal him. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. He has thrown us away like trash. I don't know what to do. I still check phone records like I am looking for something else? Another reason to get the guts to file? I am sad everyday. Hard to work, but I pray alot. Am I feeling sorry for myself? I feel too much has gone on that I can't possibly accept him back and forgive everything, I will just always be wondering what he did with her and how he had sex with her and what if she still talks to him etc. I didn't trust him much before we split and don't know what is worth saving anymore. My kids have informed me since that he was very different with them when I wasn't around. He was always grouchy and mean to them but when I was around I constantly played referree because he had a negative attitude and I am so optimistic I had to stick up for them all the time. I felt like I wore 20 hats all the time. I couldn't be myself. My son pointed that out to me, mom you aren't yourself around dad. But I still grieve....

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 15 July 2012 04:01 posted by Guest

    I know the feeling of being: I know the feeling of being cheated upon• Was married for almost 11 years and has an 8 year old girl• Over this period my ex husband had 9 jobs• He left me for a pastor`s daughter. He suffers from bipolar disorder. He left me only to get engaged to the woman 1 month after our divorce• I can't seem to get back on track as my emotions are all over the place. The way I found out about the two of them and the way he treated me after that is still so shocking as he changed into someone I did not know. I get nightmares and battle to sleep and eat. I lost 12 kg in one month and had to drink medication to help my brain realize I am hungry. Doctor said the trauma caused everything in my body to shut down. I began to eat but still battles to sleep and I always wonders how they can live with themselves knowing they were dishonest. It is despicable what they did and the way they did it.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 01 July 2012 16:55 posted by Guest

    abondoned: My husband of 37 years left suddenly out of the blue. I didn't see it coming at all. I learned to love him unconditionally and I thought he loved my failings as well as my attributes. I tried to be there for him and we had made plans to retire. I wasn't seeing the pain he must have been in, though. He would fly off the handle at me instead of making things light and funny or he would leave home for long periods of time. He refuses to talk, council, reconcile, see the kids or let us know about his real life in depth. He's obviously running from something and blames me for all his unhappiness and woes. I offered to make things right and wanted to know what I could do. He said he wanted to be out more with his friends, wanted his name on all accounts, wanted his freedom and didn't want me to ask questions, nag, follow him around, etc. I said all these things could be fixed because I didn't realize they were bothering him so much. Come to find out, he had been pulling money out of our joint account for two years and had given money to a strange person. He betrayed my trust and I feel horribly violated by this man whom I don't even know anymore. As much as I try to take the blame, I fixed his meals, washed his clothes, made sure he had a movie on at night, cleaned the house, took care of the kids because he worked all the time, and now that we finally had time to get to know each other and enjoy our lives, then he ups and leaves. It just doesn't make sense. Now, at 62, I'm relying on friends old and new for support. My new job is stressful, but I need it to pay lawyer's fees since he filed two weeks after he left. His mantra is " she'll never change, I'm done." I don't know what he wants changed and to say this is making me out to be no better than a murderer in jail who won't change. Excuse me, but I'm a retired school teacher and the kids loved me, my grandkids love me, and I have many friends. What is he talking about? I want him to come on his knees and ask for forgiveness to his family for tearing us up and making us go through this unnecessarily. The divorce laws allow spouses to make things horrible for the family and to run amuck without reason. If he's going through a midlife crisis, then he needs to be in therapy not use the judicial system as a means to appease his inner hurt from way back when. The no fault divorce laws need changed now. It's too broad.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 30 June 2012 13:03 posted by Guest

    So lost right now: So ive been in this relationship 3 1/2 yrs married only a yr n I finally get the word hes done.. We have two kids together n I have two from before him. Ive given up everything for him my friends n my family.. I thought things were ok weve had worse. I'm the past so im completely clueless on wat to do I let my guard down since I was 16 I have always been my own supporter I let myself believe he was actually stayin so whn I had my daughter a yr ago he convinced me to b a stay at home mom. So now he wants nothing to do with me I have noone no job no home no vehicle. He wanted all control so ive nvr been able to have anything where I could leave alone with. But ive given him my heart hes my military hero I respect him an always will but I cant get over this it happened so suddenly n idk wat to do im so lost n confuaed feel like got hit ny a train this hurts so much please anyone have advice im only 23 n have four kids an see no future I cant trust or believe another person ever this is third guy includin my own father who has crush every ounce of hope I had for myself n ive always been the emotionally involved but physciially abused

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 11 June 2012 18:04 posted by Guest

    Hi Dawn. The best advice I: Hi Dawn. The best advice I have ever received is that it is going to take you as long as you need....or even as long as you allow it to control your life and daily thoughts. I separated twice with my X before I called it quits. It honestly was the best decision I have ever made in my life. The situation was very bad and both my son and I were at risk. Given all that into consideration, I still had many emotions, both positive and negative. I remember this New Years Eve, December 2011....making a promise to myself that I was going to move on......not allow myself to be controlled by the separation/divorce experience any longer. Give it attention when it needed it....but that for my sake and my sons sake....I had to move on. My life has done a complete 180...moved 3000 km from my X...started a new job.....and more recently met a new partner......you have to feel the pain....to learn from it...grow and come out on the other side, stronger than before....

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 27 April 2012 02:09 posted by Guest

    I know what you are feeling!: I experienced the same situation. My exwife left one day and filed for divorced months later. She didnt have a valid reason. Once she told me that she was afraid to lose the good relationship we had and it was better for her to leave instead of experiencing the lost! I was shocked for a long time. We decided that we were going to start all over after the divorce and respect each other. We tried many times and she would always run away. The last time we saw each other she told me that she was with some one else and that killed me!! I've been waiting for her after two years of the dovorce and she came back after months of separation to tell me that she wanted me back but she was seeing other guy! I cant believe she was playing mind games with me. I decided not to see her anymore. Better for me to feel the pain now than to live in pain the rest of my life with her. After all i realized that she has BPD, now everything makes sense but it hurts!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 April 2012 16:31 posted by Guest

    I can totally relate to your: I can totally relate to your story! I recently signed the final divorce papers after 27 years of marriage and knowing my ex for 35 years ( we began dating at 15). Even though I still love him I knew in my heart that the marriage was over - it just wasn't right. He suffered with alot of depression and anxiety issues and I became a very good cheerleader to keep things going. Although most of the time I was a stay at home mom, I tried working part time but it always seemed I was needed at home more often than not. I have two wonderful daughters, now 18 and 23. They both realized that our relationship was not right and sensed alot of unhappiness. When I finally was able to admit my true feelings, ( we do have many sessions with marriage counseling), he basically told me he wasn't changing anything and filed for divorce. I have been seeing a therapist for some time and it helps. Also, I started working at our local University and love it. Time does heal, even though I still have my crying days - I'm told that is part of healing. Like a death, it may take 3 to 5 years. Good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 April 2012 18:14 posted by Guest

    suggestion: May I suggest reading the book "Women who love too much?" Also check out the website Daily Strength and go to the Women who love to much support group. You will find much support there.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 16 April 2012 22:49 posted by Guest

    Why does this hurt so bad after all this time?: I have been separated 4 years and stopped sleeping with him a year ago. He was abusive, irresponsible, and suffers from paranoid personality disorder. I put off the divorce because I was scared to deal with the pain. We said we would respect the other and tell if we started dating someone else. Well, he didn't do that, introduced her to my kids and ripped my household apart. I have been through all kinds of emotions in these years but this killed me. I feel betrayed and disrespected. I have not been with another man during or after the marriage. I told him to move on when he cursed me badly and he said it was my fault he has someone else because I stopped the sex. I know this is not true and I also believe God brought the new girl in so I can get out if this stagnant mode and move on. I have accepted all of this but I am in so much pain. I miss him but he still comes around to hangout with the kids and I like it. I just don't understand why I'm so hurt. He is not good for me. I refuse to sleep with him especially since he's been with another woman but he tried and I felt low as a stump because he had the nerve to try. I still love him and realize that I was in love with an allusion of what I thought he could be. I am all over the place with emotions, thoughts and feelings if what I know could not be even if the new woman wasn't around. I would just like some one to help me sort through some of this. I have been trying to date bu always find something wrong even when I state up front that I am not ready for anything serious. Please help me rationalize some of this.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 30 March 2012 13:27 posted by Guest

    Don't worry. The early, raw: Don't worry. The early, raw emotions of your situation give way to more peaceful ones, and though you will continue to experience grief, anger, fear, etc., it lessens with time. Put yourself first in a kind, loving way, and be your own best friend when you are feeling the worst of it. Take a step back and ask yourself what you need from another, and give that to yourself. Words of encouragement, value, and so on will help you rebuild your self esteem and more as you journey on.

    This was my lesson, and one I continue to use, even when I feel whole and good. Never stop being good to yourself.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 13 February 2012 06:46 posted by Guest

    Hi there.
    I've never written: Hi there.
    I've never written like this before but there are times when I feel so overwhelmed that I'm willing to try anything. This is one of those things. I realize that many of you have been in the position that I am in right now. And, I am hoping that someone can offer some words that will help me.

    I've been separated for a number of months, but moved out in January. The first weeks on my own were fun, and exciting. A new place, I had started to date a guy who was a good distraction but I just ended it with him b/c he wasn't a good match. Now, the reality has set it. I am in this new life. Everything is different and I'm dizzied by the overwhelming emotions. I find myself feeling terrified about the future and what life will be like. There are moments that I feel so unbearably anxious and afraid that I don't know how I will make it to the next minute. My body buzzes with anxiety, I can't concentrate, it's hard to fake a smile. The weekends are particularly bad without the forced distraction of work.

    There is a lot of advice on the practical aspects of separation and divorce-- ie get a lawyer, finances, kids etc., and the typical self-help suggestions to deal with the emotions of divorce--take care of yourself, sleep, eat, talk to friends, journal etc. I guess what I'm wondering is how did people feel in the days after separation. How did you cope with the overwhelming emotions, and how long did it take for you to feel like you were on stable ground? If the answer to this last question is 'years.' Don't tell me. I don't wanna know this is going to go on for years.

    Thanks.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 04 December 2011 22:20 posted by Guest

    I am not religious but: I am not religious but spiritual

    The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem:

    Vanity of vanities, says the Teacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.

    What do people gain from all the toil at which they toil under the sun?

    A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever.

    The sun rises and the sun goes down, and hurries to the place where it rises.

    The wind blows to the south, and goes around to the north; round and round goes the wind, returns.

    All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they continue to flow.

    All things are wearisome; more than one can express; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, or the ear filled with hearing.

    What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun.

    Is there a thing of which it is said, “See, this is new”? It has already been, in the ages before us.

    The people of long ago are not remembered, nor will there be any remembrance of people yet to come by those who come after them.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 26 December 2010 12:23 posted by Guest

    Your story is a familiar one.: Your story is a familiar one. I thought so much more with my heart instead of my head. I left a relationship of 18 years, which was failing. I met a charming man from the South. His manners and accent were quite charming. I fell in love with him from the get go. Since I was in a failing relationship, he filled the gaps I was missing in my relationship. I packed up everything I owned, sold my house and moved to TN. My first sign (or red light)was that he ha been married 3 times before we were married. He always blamed it on his exes(another red light).Before, I moved, I knew he was down and out, living in his parent's guest house(he's 43 years) BIG RED LIGHT. We had 6 years of marital bliss until I had head surgery. I Have "water on the brain. I had a shunt put in my head to drain the water. I had a second surgery a year later. Recovery slow but fast. He would not touch me sexually BIG RED LIGHT.
    I had money. Paid his child support, medical, education bills for his kids and his previous divorce lawyers. WHAT WAS I THINKING!! I dedicated myself and my money to this man.
    When I came home after my second surgery he said he wanted divorce. Did not want to take of me. I was an embarrassment to his friends. I thought you are an embarrassment,emotionally to my friends, family and me. I just thought it was ironic that I supported him financially & emotionally for 7 years of marriage. It has been 3 1/2 months now, but he hasn't filed. I don't care,let him spend his money. The biggest thorn in my side is the fact that he is now dating an older woman 3 blocks from me! I am wondering if she should know about his history with me. Especially the financial aspects. As she is successful. Do I do it or not. I just don't want her to be blind-sided. He never told me how bad. Or is juyst a revengeful thing or a good thing to do?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 30 November 2010 21:37 posted by Guest

    Old Divorce Ruining New Relationship?: I hope that since some of these posts are a month or 2 old that you ladies have found that someone or something that can ease the loneliness, it's nice to know that we're not alone in this world. I'm 27 years old, which I know should make me too young for divorce, and I got divorced about 3 1/2 years ago. I left because I went through about 3 years of emotional abuse, and it took everything I had to leave. All my money, willpower, and self-worth. I left and in the process gained an anxiety problem that required medication for almost a year to quell the panic attacks. Shortly after I separated from my husband, I began a relationship with another man who seems to be a nice, supportive, mature and he seems to really know who he is. He is the total opposite of my ex. We've been together over 3 years now, and just when I was thinking I might be ready to get married again, I hear from him that he says I'm not. He says that I'm carrying around emotional baggage from divorce and an absentee father (another, longer story) and that he can't marry me until it is resolved. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is when does your past mold you as a person and help you learn and be wiser for it, and when does it become something you're carrying around that you need to be let go?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 06 October 2010 02:54 posted by Guest

    Divorce: I tell you, even people who have been in a relationship only three days forget what it is like to be single, and they lose interest in their single friends almost immediately. And yes the isolation is painful. I am 56 and been single most of my life. It is very difficult to find friends. Everyone is busy or has somebody, and nobody can invest much time with friends or on the phone. If they do it is brief and they really dont want to get into talking about your problems much. I am devistated right now over a lost relationship. I am delving into Bible study now as God is my only real friend. I find things more tolerable when I accept what I have and quit hoping for what I dont have. And a good friend helps, but they are rare.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 06 October 2010 02:28 posted by Guest

    Divorce: I can only empathize. I had a child too and I am afraid I did not pay enough attention to her because I was so caught up in my own grief and loneliness. Friends, often just dont want to hear about it, atleast not more than once or twice, and when they are in a relationship they immediately forget their single friends. I know you want to know how to move on. I am looking for those answers too. Everything I hear seems like stupid stuff from people who dont really know, and pet answers. You gotta have friends, and I have few myself, one girlfriend who changes the subject. My ex had many female friends, and that is the reason for the split up. He is on his merry way I guess and I am alone. We (my friend and I) agree against all professional advice that the best way to get over somebody is to find somebody else. It works. But you cant force friendship to happen or a relationship to happen. I have been single most of my life and just ended a relationship. Im miserable. I have a few little fixes but none the absolute solution. I often take an elderly lady out for dinner to fill my lonely evening hours. I work an evening job to fill my lonely evening hours (a lifesaver). I try to quit hoping for what I cant have and accept what I do have. I have a bible study and delve into research to fill lonely hours. I may not feel like it at first but thenI get into it. I realize God is my only friend and make a mission to do for him what I can in this short life. Time goes faster when I realize I dont have enough time to do what I need to for God, instead of feeling I have too much lonely time. And I avoid situations that make me feel lonely like going to restaurants alone, or church. I prefer a singles group or bible study. But still weekends and holidays are lonely and I cant Bible study all the time, or can i? Maybe I can .

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 11 September 2010 08:34 posted by Guest

    i went through what you did: i went through what you did but in a different way. i was married to aman who i love so much. he didnot love me as i do. all what interest him is my money. this was so painful. i was preganant. he was not happy with that. after delivery, my daughter lived for two days and died. i expect him to soothe me. instead, he made every effort to through me out. i felt he was waiting for the opportunity to leave me with the minimum charges. i felt betrayed and stapped in the back. it is normal to feel intense pain. i prayed to God to forget him and forget my emotions for him. this helped a lot. i feel broken and empty at first, now with God help, i feel better, i feel i am going in the healing cycle. i changed alot after divorce. it is to the positive. my feeling are not stable. sometimes i feel good, sometimes it turned bad and so on. i knew that this is normal at this stage. i think we need to have the idea of going on. to love ourselves as we are and then we will find who loves us as we are. i hope you find a better person that respects you whatever you are and loves your boy. i think it is a good thing that we love and can love and not hate even who didnot love us.
    good luck in your life. i belief in the saying that says ' when a window is closed, God opens a door'
    best wishes for happy life

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 05 September 2010 20:36 posted by Guest

    Very Lonely and Afraid I Will be Forever...: I have been looking to talk to other women who have been divorced since I got divorced 4 months ago. I have a 3 year old son but as much as I love him, he doesn't soothe my lack of companionship and lonliness. I have family somewhat nearby but they are very upset and heartbroken that I don't get the positive reinforcement I need from them to move on. And all the friends I do have are married and I almost feel very resentful toward them for being happy. I feel very self-consious in front of my family and friends now and feel that my identity is lost. I have always had a hard time making friends, and now that I've lost my best friend, my former husband, I am so afraid I will never find another companion who will love all of me the way I am. In addition, I have a disability that I'm afraid another man would not want to accept or deal with. I thought about dating but have no interest in other men right now and so wish my former husband would want to get back together to work on things. I even told him so many times and just when I thought we might be getting closer, He was complimenting me, we were talking more often, and he asked me what would give me that impression? I thought really, don't you know you are still stringing me along!? I do still love him but the difference is he has no interest in working on a relationship and I would do just about anything to get us back to great! ): So, how have any of you other women "moved on" after so many years and after still feeling those loving feelings for the person who divorced you? I'd appreciate any advice anyone has to give as I am feeling so lonely and need some encouragement to stay strong and look forward to a better future! Especially for my son's sake who means the world to me!!!!!

  • Comment Link Jenny Saturday, 04 September 2010 17:44 posted by Jenny

    Me Too: But I am doing the dumping. His covert emotional abuse has reaped a ton of damage on me and two of my kids. The one that is still home probably won't understand for a long time if at all. You see, I am married to a Nice Man. At least that is the persona that he sells.

    I was raped by this Nice Man while incapacitated medicinally. Anally. I was pressing charges but dropped them when the usual economic argument came up and since the kids were younger and I had no hope of supporting us.... Well, another stupid decision of mine.

    Since then and even before I have been emotionally divorced but along for the ride. I have a small business which is loosing it's customer base due to the economy. So I really don't know what I'll do in the long run. I do know it is time to leave.

    He's still wearing those rose colored glasses and waiting me out until I come to my senses. I am selling stuff right and left and when I have the cash will get an appointment with an attorney for initial advice.

    I do not know how I will rebuild. I do not know how I can afford a divorce. I am alone, having been a workaholic for so long, plus he has moved in on every relationship I've ever had and made himself at home. So I don't have any close friends who I can confide in either. Counselors are too expensive for me.

    It is a time of wondering, feeling lost, loneliness, hope and hopelessness. Fright and strength. I'm scared but I have to do this to preserve myself.

  • Comment Link A. Saturday, 04 September 2010 14:48 posted by A.

    Isolation is Painful: I can relate to your feelings and I'm terrified of the unknown, myself. I try to remember the famous quote that "A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man one"...to make the leap to file because I really had no choice, in my situation. I try the best I can to remain positive which is very difficult, after moving for my husband only to be abandoned. I did have a career until 15 years ago, that is impossible to get back into at 59. It is almost like that was a lifetime away. This is the first time that I have written to any blog about this. Most people I associated with are married & I don't remember what it feels like to be single and certainly is not the same as a 25 year old. So, now I know I am not the only one who can admit to being afraid. Thank you for posting that! After my husband decided he wanted someone else, I'm more afraid that I can't live up to what I would like to do, because after 53, my previously healthy self, started having health problems. So, Yes, Where do we go from here? It certainly would help to talk to someone in my situation. At first, I could not even talk about it other than a few friends. They are happily married, so I don't think they could really understand how it feels to be devoted and make sacrifices for 30 years, only to be dumped like a old shoe. What amazes me is how can a human being treat another that way with a surprise of "I don't want to be with you anymore" one day after behaving otherwise. No mention of a problem and I am the only woman I know that was left for an "older woman" (which has some humor). If it wasn't for her money or position, I doubt he would have considered it. Looking back, when we met, I was the one with the better job, house & car and even paid for our honeymoon! What a naive Romantic I was. Then, I helped him with more than I will tell you, climb up to become a successful executive. I was a highly intelligent woman who thought with my heart more than my head. I naively believed that if I gave my all, it would be appreciated. Not True. I would recommend any young girl get a pre-nuptial agreement, now. I really wish there was a support group in my area.

  • Comment Link mj Friday, 03 September 2010 13:38 posted by mj

    all the emotions and fears of a 32 yr marriage: so i am about to after these 5 years of separation to finally look this ugly horse in the face and try to move ahead very hard as so many women before me atest to how to begin and how to calm and manage the fear of uncertaintanty after being a housewife and mother for 32 years knowing nothing else ( well that was my first mistake obviously) and now to embark on a new beginning at the age of 57 so ladies i reach out need support encouragement and a good therapist and as the song says where do you go from here! thanks for listening mj