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It is an easy concept, but some have a hard time coming to terms with it. It is pretty basic — when we find ourselves in a bad place, the quickest way to change our situation is to look at our actions and what role our actions played in bringing about our problems.

Your life is your responsibility. You have no control over what happens to you or what someone else does to you, but you do have control over the way you respond. When faced with the end of a marriage, you have a choice. You can get bogged down in blame and bitterness, or you can take an honest inventory of your own shortcomings and mistakes during the marriage.

You can choose to be angry with a husband who leaves you for another woman, or you can look at what kind of wife you were. Let's face it, we are none perfect. You aren't responsible for your husband's choice to leave, but you may have played a role in his feeling he had no choice but to leave. It truly does take two to destroy a marriage. A happy husband doesn't leave for another woman. Before you get all red in the face and spew venom at me, let me qualify what I'm saying.

An unhappy husband is just as responsible for his actions and his happiness as his left-behind wife. If he was unhappy during the marriage, it was his responsibility to take inventory, identify the behaviors and beliefs that he had that kept him from being happy. Leaving for another woman doesn't show integrity, it shows cowardice and an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own happiness.

Both parties to the divorce played a role in the demise of the marriage. Both need to own and take responsibility for the role they played in the demise. You can both point fingers or you can take responsibility. Until you are willing to take responsibility for the mistakes you made and the role you played, you will take the same behaviors into your next relationship.

You are the architect of your own adversity; we all are. If you find that your life is full of adversity, then you are failing to take responsibility. Taking responsibility allows you the space to acknowledge your part in the adversity, learn from the experience, and move forward with more confidence.

I met a woman who was full of rage at an ex-husband who had physically abused her for over 20 years. In her mind, he had destroyed her life because he had been a bad husband and, in the end, had given her no choice but to leave. She told me that she had tried for years to make the marriage work and that she would never be able to move on with her life because of all the wasted years with her ex-husband.

She couldn't understand that she had chosen, for over 20 years, to stay in a marriage with a man who beat her. She refused to see her role in where she had ended up because doing so would mean letting go of the blame. She had to have someone to blame for where she was in life. That blame kept her stuck and kept her from moving on from a bad marriage to a more fulfilling life.

Physically abusing a spouse is unacceptable. Choosing to stay with a spouse who physically abuses you is just as unacceptable. It is unacceptable because it keeps you from living your best possible life. As I've said before, your life is your responsibility, so please take responsibility for your own happiness.
 

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52 comments

  • Comment Link Miranda Monday, 14 August 2017 18:22 posted by Miranda

    Everyone commenting doesn't get her point. They are victims and they are milking that title for all its worth. But their role and behavior and commumication skills, interpersonal skills emotional intelligence all must be questioned in order to make sense of their unique complicated relationship troubles. It all has to be taken into account and not sugar coated to protect the egod of either partner. The adulterer is okay to shame is okay to speak too harshly in describe in unpleasant words because they did something that is culturally and mostly not morally correct and dishonest and it is a big harm because marriage is mostly promising to not stray but the marriage vows would take forever if they had to ask the spouses the complex issues that arise in marriage and make them vow to never tdo them. So husband is hung out to dry but a bitchy wife who hasn't kept up with her physical health and appearance and who is oblivious of the fact that men do not problem solve or rationalize in the same way that women do are free from blame or questioning. their brains do not work the same way that womens do. women cannot expect men to think the same way that they do and if they want to see some change that it has to come within them. Sometimes men don't understand why you're hurting they don't think that is something to be upset about and if that's the case then that's not the man for you you must leave that's what they mean when you are responsible for your happiness unfortunately you made a bad choice or this person didn't live up to the expectation you had of them so you cannot change them it is their loss and fortunately for you to be happy you have to leave that you can't be in control of anything or anyone even though you made promises he has to want to keep that promise if you're worth keeping or if he is a piece of shit and doesn't deserve you you have to leave you have to Value yourself that's what this article is saying. If you have kids if you have real estate you have money tied up together that's really complicated and it sucks but men are assholes and they don't take things too seriously because they don't have to and if you ended up with one of them like I did there's nothing you really can do if they don't care enough to change your really isn't and it sucks but if you want to be happy or if you want to just get away from him because he's a dick you have to do it you are responsible for your happiness you cannot make him change for you you cannot get me out of him for changing his mind because you buy a shirt and you loved it but a couple years later you tired of wearing it and out of style some people keep it just because they're like the shirt and they can wear it again and they can tailor it to fit their new look some people just get rid of it and get a new shirt.

  • Comment Link adele Thursday, 28 July 2016 13:25 posted by adele

    I have to disagree with your theory. While it takes two to make a marriage work, it takes one to destroy it. Just as no one can force an addict to change or get help.....no one , even the " best spouse", can force a destructive spouse to change. If a spouse abuses the other spouses trust by cheating with over three dozen women ....who is to blame? You say if the spouse was happy in the marriage he would not cheat.....perhaps the cheater is just unhappy in general......30+ affairs might indicate that the problem went way beyond the marriage. This type of individual with low integrity and likely mental issues would not be a better spouse "if his spouse just made him happy"
    Sometimes one spouse drives the marriage right off the tracks.......

  • Comment Link Marj Saturday, 23 July 2016 03:18 posted by Marj

    What a hurtful message you write to women. It's bad enough we hurt that you rub it in our face by saying 'you can look at what kind of wife you were'????

    What?

    with your rational, everyone should be divorced because NO ONE is perfect.

    I'm sorry I read this article. It's like kicking me when I'm down.

  • Comment Link LetTheRealTruthBeTold Friday, 20 May 2016 13:41 posted by LetTheRealTruthBeTold

    And what makes it very Sad today is that many women that have their Careers have Destroyed many of us Good men already and will continue to do so since many women are very Selfish and so Greedy these days since it is all about them.

  • Comment Link Valarie Monday, 02 May 2016 21:39 posted by Valarie

    My husband had a mental breakdown. I tried everything from backing down to pressing. He went to counseling, as did I. He now is on benzozapines and drinks, remaining very unwell, exhibiting seven personalities, but living functionally, although manipulatively. I have had to get restraining orders and finally got my divorce after leaving a 25 year marriage and business. To make blanket statements that it takes two is so hurtful. I am not perfect, I went to counseling, he did, but lied and was eventually dropped by the psychologist as he refused a psychiatric evaluation. I am having such a hard time, as my youngest (out of 3 sons, ages 25 and 22), who is 17 will not accept even a picture of a man in my life. He still goes to the house I raised them in, as my x kicked out my renters and now lives there free from rent and mortgage.
    I have moved on, have graduated with my B.S. and have entered Graduate school toward my Masters and to my PhD. I am 47 and so very frustrated. I stayed as long as I could, but had to leave for my own health and safety. It did not take two for his evil acts - and they were many. He continually sends me nasty emails and comes onto my property now, since the order restraining has run out, and my son allows it - so he can "see the dogs". He uses him as a proxy and now I have to hold my son accountable for his acts, even if it is in defense of his sick father's place - he says we will always have a bond, etc. I have never stood in the way of him seeing him and I couldn't legally. I have had faith that this will all work itself out, but I am fearful of that now. No, not all breakups take two.

  • Comment Link Jim Wednesday, 16 March 2016 09:24 posted by Jim

    Hi, I am married before without spending that night with my lover and sleeping with the one I love. After 8 years without any married certificate with two kids she is a headache to me most of the time, how can i get rid of her, Please help
    THANKS JIMT

  • Comment Link e7705 Tuesday, 29 December 2015 04:04 posted by e7705

    My husband left for one reason and one reason only: because he made a deliberate choice to commit adultery. He could have stayed and worked on his imperfect marriage, but he chose to leave. Wives, don't listen to this crap about how you carry some of the blame for his leaving. The only blame you might take is for the imperfections that you BOTH contributed to the marriage. Wives who are dumped by their selfish husbands DO NOT need to read articles that even give a slight suggestion that it is partly their fault that their husband dumped them for another woman! THE ADULTEROUS HUSBANDS MADE A UNILATERAL CHOICE TO CHEAT ON THEIR WIVES!!

  • Comment Link Milly Monday, 28 December 2015 18:48 posted by Milly

    I refer to the above article and I would like to say that relationships are not as clear cut or as black and white as you are making this article out to be.

    Yes there armanye choices but this article does not take in to consideration the relationship dynamics such as attachment, bonding, personality disorders nor the many attempts by people in relationships who try to make things work for many reasons.

    Adultery is Evil and painful for the ones left behind. This is the act of two selfish immoral and predatory behaviors with no integrity.

  • Comment Link Merry Christmas Sunday, 29 November 2015 06:18 posted by Merry Christmas

    I'm relieved that I'm not the only one who disagrees with this article.
    Alcoholic, verbally abusive, emotionally and financially abusive too. In counseling for 2 years, he showed up for the first couple sessions.
    My own marriage counselor told me to leave him. I don't think that happens every day.

    My take on this article is that no matter the effort of one spouse they are equally at fault. I totally disagree with that.

    Was it my fault for staying? Okay. Sure. Excuse me for trying to save my marriage. I don't think that's a fault.

  • Comment Link pamela bouchey Monday, 16 November 2015 15:01 posted by pamela bouchey

    Bipolar husband having affair with other woman. we have 2 teen boys. He closed out my access to small bank account, i have 2 low paying jobs, pay my own car payment. He doesn't know how to handle money, bought the car for me and put it in my name, i knew nothing of the transaction. The house and everything else is in his name. He makes very good money, but we are in debt because he spends wildly. I see him going down hill and acting wildly and friends say i could be in danger, because he really wants to be with other woman. Do i have any recourse monetarily for the boys and myself. Parents will let us live in apt they own rent free, but i would have to pay utilities. What are his obligations if any to his children to be able to live their lives normally? Ps i'm using my parents email address because he is an computer expert.

  • Comment Link Jan Saturday, 15 August 2015 20:44 posted by Jan

    I understand and agree with your article up to a point. I walked away from an abusive 13 year marriage. After the grieving and realisation that love had flown. I found a new love and we have been man and wife for 30 plus years. Ups and downs occur in most marriages and when recently I found out he was having an affair it felt as if someone had kicked me in the stomach. I wanted to try and work it out to see if we couldnt stay together. He thought he loved her, after a 3 month affair however she dumped him over the phone six months into their affair after he left me. His guilt engulfed him and i think it still does, he has never been a man to go back on anything so I knew he would never come back to me even if he realised he was still in love with me, i am not saying he is. She was a newly qualified part time hypnotherapist they met at their day jobs, I think she used him as a subject at least to begin with, she told him he was too dependant when she dumped him.
    I am 66 he 57 I encouraged his interests in the stars, wild flowers, long walks, classical music, film, theatre however I had my own interests so didnt go with him on these outings. We did enjoy some interest together though. I had children and grandchildren from the previous relationship but he wasnt inclusive with them only 'our' daughter and his family. I guess I was accepting of our differences more than he was. He no longer loves me but sees me as a burden, we are going through with a divorce and money settlement, he has been very fair about that side of things. Our home is up for sale which I find very hard, he moved out 18 months ago and does nothing towards maintenance but does pay for gardener. I have asked him to help sort stuff but theres always an excuse, he has become very selfish and even our daughter who was so very close to him finds it hard being around him when he finds time to see her, she is 28 and has her own place. All this coincided with her leaving home and I am sure like me he was dreading it, she is so special to us both because she is the symbol of our wonderful love for each other.
    Anyway now he has his freedom to do everything he wants and me the same, the difference is I dont want anything else I know I cant have him but I have no desire for anything or anyone else. Yes its my reponsibilty how my life turns out but how can it be anything when I want nothing.

  • Comment Link ouch Tuesday, 24 February 2015 15:11 posted by ouch

    I can see the role I played. Yes, I did have to work 6 or 7 days a week in order to have a home and food for my wife and I. Certainly, I should have been more sensitive and caring as she went through over $350,000 for dope. I know I should have learned her "Love Language". I now know it was my fault her hips and back were so injured she could not make love. Odd, she was able to have sex with the Homeless guy she was having an affair with. I found this out when the money ran out. Finally, I will make sure to go back and let her know how sorry I am for forcing her to give me herpes when she was having unprotected sex with the homeless dude. She already knew he had it. By learning now to accept my part in the breakout, I will invite her to share a ride with me to the Doctor. See, I get to get to get tested once a month for the next 2 years, as it turns out he is HIV positive. So thank you. After your article, I can sure see how huge a part I played in our divorce. Please!

  • Comment Link Scott Thursday, 19 February 2015 12:35 posted by Scott

    You obviously do not understand the mind of an abused woman. I suggest you read some of Lundy Bancroft's books and get a clue. Your article comes across as callous and arrogant. You are the reason many of your friends will never come to you to talk about their abusive relationships, with a broad statement such as that.

  • Comment Link Survivor of abuse Ruth Thursday, 19 February 2015 11:25 posted by Survivor of abuse Ruth

    I totally agree & more with the post dated, 28/1/2015 wrote by a, survivor of abuse.

    I was a victim of domestic abuse for 20 years. The first 2 years were totally different to what commenced once pregnant with our first child. Then the abuse kicked in slowly, drip by drip, gradually eroded everything about me away. I ended up a mere shell of my former self & became totally involved in a codependency dance with my abuser aka the husband. I had no idea that I had choices as systematically they were stripped from me on every level. Apart from existing & keeping my 3 children's lives as normal as I could. It can be very dangerous for women & their children to walk out of an abusive marriage which in turn keeps you captive more. Had I asked to be abused, had I deserved to be abused the answer is always a resounding NO. However, 3years on I have had to accept my responsibility in what played out. This is a small proportion to that of the 50/50 ratio that can be accounted to within healthy adults. I was in an extremely toxic relationship & I accept 5% & I give him back 95% of his crap. I have worked extremely hard these last 3 years on healing childhood wounds, over coming my fears & recognising my worth & love for myself. I take full responsibility for my recovery & leading a true, authentic path. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, however my options & boundaries during this 20 year marriage were corroded, eroded & stripped. I was betrayed, deceived, lied to & fed an illusion. I have been in & out of court for 2.5 years that he has dragged me through relentlessly of which I had no choice. I have had to fight for my children & my finances. All the time I have been re-educating myself back at college, looking after my extremely sick parents, being a fantastic mother, working hard on healing from the trauma of those 20 years. My choices came when he walked out of our lives without so much of a goodbye. I chose to get myself & life back to energetic, vibrant & fulfilling one I had before I met him. I choose to look at my previous years as a gift as it has enabled me to know what I do want from life, re-establish sound boundaries, grow mentally & emotionally amongst other things. That's said, it has not been easy in fact at times incrediably painful but I will not play the victim. I am a survivor of abuse & yes that is my choice. No one should judge someone else's story for no one has ever walked their path. For a person to be stuck is a really sad place for them because their life is still being played out in the past with the pain & fear which is keeping them there. I desperately, hope that all women & men learn to be accountable & make healthy choices regarding their well being which is paramount. I also think it needs to start with our children from the minute they are born. However, I agree that by me taking responsibility, learning, progressing & moving through life with confidence is very empowering. These are skills which a person has to learn & build into their life when they have recognised that need. I also believe having done a lot of research & programmes dealing with domestic abuse for my recovery that abuse comes in many guises & not just physical which is very outdated in this writing. Therefore, the demise of my marriage was not on equal ground but came from a place of control from my ex husband but fear, shame, financial hardship, love, having children, future dreams & hopes attributed by me which kept me captivated for so long. My options & choices did not exist until he walked. It is only now that I take full responsibility for my own life & happiness. Therefore, I am lucky to have embraced positive choices to change my life & mindset.

  • Comment Link Sean smith Monday, 09 February 2015 20:29 posted by Sean smith

    My wife left me for my mate just before Xmas and left me with our 18 yr old daughter I was devistated as we had been married for 19 yrs. She had not been acting the same as usual and was act irrational at times. She as accused me of some horrible things which aren't trus to other people. Her and my old mate who as anger and a drug problem blem have tried to pressure provoke the situation, which I think was trying to get me out of the house so they can set up home together as he was married as well and they was desperate to have somewhere to live. I do still worry about her as this is not her she is usually a lively women who would never want any confrontation. Please can ups you tell me what as happened to her she just seems to have changed her personality in the last few months. I want ups love for her to come home and start again not because I need her but because I miss, worry and live her with all my heart as we where best friends. They have just got a place together after staying in a hostel as they had no where to stay when we had a good life our own business and a lovely house.

    Do you ever think she will continue me back as I can't see there relationship working as our daughter will have nothing to do with him and his kids will have nothing to do with her as we where all friends and they are not happy that they have wrecked two family's. I do feel she is frightened of something but it is not me like she says it is because I am not that type of guy I would never harm her I would look after her she is the love of my life. Please help.

    Sean.

  • Comment Link Don Dressel Wednesday, 04 February 2015 06:10 posted by Don Dressel

    I need advice my wife was scammed in a romance scam because i was laid up with my bad back and got hooked on pain killers. I forgave her as I felt somewhat responsible for what happened. Now because she feels empty and a big void inside because of this she is texting all these strange guys and I am getting fed up.
    When I ask her to stop she tells me she needs this now to fill the emptiness inside. I tell her I cant live like this because It makes me feel less of a man because I dont fill that emptiness she has! Does any woman have any suggestions for me?

  • Comment Link Survivor of abuse Wednesday, 28 January 2015 10:56 posted by Survivor of abuse

    I think you have got it all wrong here and have no idea about the complex dynamics of an abusive relationship. You say that it is unacceptable for a woman to stay in an abusive marriage well I think you should do some research on the trauma-bond that keeps people in abusive relationships. It is not as simple as you might believe. There are many strategies used by abusive partners such as gaslighting (look it up!), blaming, shaming, minimising, threatening that keep a person locked in a relationship. Of course one should take responsibility for allowing someone else to make them a victim but to say that it is 'unacceptable' to stay in an abusive marriage shows that you have no understanding of abusive relationships. Nor do you have any understanding of why people get into these relationships in the first place. I think you need to educate yourself!!!

  • Comment Link lord ozamo Sunday, 25 January 2015 23:34 posted by lord ozamo

    my wife just left me for another man, i need advice now help 2015

  • Comment Link michelle Thursday, 15 January 2015 22:31 posted by michelle

    i am a mother of 5 children even after i was on the shot and protected i still got prego, now all my children r from the same man and we have had huge problems but i stayed because i wanted to help him with his drugs problems and have many times but he wont change and one of my children is a boy and he is disabled, so i had to be with him alot couldnt work even after i went to school and could not work because of him their father brings in most of the money but i contribute to that too and do so much including some of his jobs at home, i need to leave because of his bad treatment with me and kids and our life, its so painful but i cant leave because i can not make it on my own i cant at all, wont b able to sustain a home or everything they need, its so easy for ppl to say just leave become powerful yeah, sometimes it cant be done.

  • Comment Link roxy Wednesday, 24 December 2014 21:40 posted by roxy

    Each one teach one. Though comprehension of taking accountability for ones action is a loosely directed suggestion. Time, effort and need to seek solace in order to forgive, heal and focus in order to attain happiness sought, advancement etc, is a journey which requires positivity. Very good article. Someone out there needed to endorse reading. It's vital material.

  • Comment Link M Guest Monday, 01 December 2014 02:27 posted by M Guest

    My husband of 32 years (38together), left me 3 months ago with a text that said "run away". I had police track him to Florida ( we live in the Northeast), and he told them he was getting away from his family and starting a new life.
    I cannot describe the agony I have gone through , as well as my 3 adult children. He has contacted no one, including his parents, siblings. Just a week before he had told me how much he loved and "missed" me. I had never doubted his love for me, and now he is gone, run away, just like he always did from problems. I believe he had had some issues at work, and he had been despondent. He has thrown his whole life away. I file for divorce by publication tomorrow. I am heartbroken.

  • Comment Link L.Bell Wednesday, 29 October 2014 00:42 posted by L.Bell

    I agree with sunny, he is responsible for his own actions, whether she was a good wife or not. The reason he left is the lack of Integrity, life is about choices and if he chose to leave,,cheat,mistress,etc, that on HIM not the wife

  • Comment Link Insidious_Sid Wednesday, 08 October 2014 18:05 posted by Insidious_Sid

    I think women these days are off their rockers and demand WAY too much from their marriages and their husbands. I want. I want. I want. More more more. Never satisfied - and trying to fill that empty void in their souls with more activities, more renovations, more material goods and more spending. It puts tremendous pressure on the marriage and on the husband - he's expected to bring home more and more "resources" (call it money ladies, because that's how you buy resources) yet somehow do this without spending "all that time" at the office.

    Young men: do not marry, ever, for any reason. She will NOT stay HAAAAAAAPY for ever, and when she is no longer HAAAAAAAPY her gaggle of divorced girlfriends will tell her EXACTLY how to squeeze every last dime out of you so she can "go off and live the life she deserves". And she will do it without batting an eye because SHE DESERVES IT.

    Let these strong independent modern women (tm) be strong and independent without you. They don't need you to begin with -that's why leaving you and taking what they can get (lots of those resources they love so much) is what they do.

    As for the whiners here who were cheated on: how many of them shut off the intimacy machine 2 years into the marriage and used sex as a dog treat for "good husband behavior". PUHLEASE. When women treat their husbands like this, I TELL THESE GUYS to IMMEDIATELY go out and get sex somewhere else! :)

  • Comment Link Tatiana Saturday, 13 September 2014 01:40 posted by Tatiana

    I absolutely believe that in a long term marriage the ex wife has every right for financial support. She was probably a homemaker, put her career on hold and contributed to the career making of the husband. Of course a wife would turn to bring angry and bitter when cheated on, lied to and then thrown in the garbage/left by the cheatibg husband.
    In my case, I hired the best, most aggressive attorney and took him to court. Absolutely, what my ex put me through, all the lies and betrayals, he deserved every motion, every court battle.
    And let me tell you, even in this age , judges hate adultery. They will favor the woman, trust me.
    I am so glad I finally put an end to this nightmare. Whores come and go, but family is for ever. I was a faithful wife for over 20 years and I will never look at the ex again. He does not deserve me or his child. Because our love for him was unconditional and he took it and crumbled it all up.
    I don't hate my ex. He is nothing to me but the source of my nice alimony check, every month for the rest of my life. Thank God.

  • Comment Link matt Thursday, 11 September 2014 11:22 posted by matt

    I agree with this article completely. I am a man that left his wife after 10 years of marriage because she was a constant nag and very aggressive physically though not physically violent (such as running at me like a football player charge but stopping 1 inch from my face to yell at me).

    I wasn't cheating on my wife when I left, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack from the stress that was created in the house. No matter how many times I told her to relax and be more at peace with things around us, she still was too aggressive and I had to chose to early grave or a new start.

    My x-wife still holds big grudges against me for leaving her. She is on her 4th husband, and all 3 prior husbands left her. I stayed the longest. Her first husband left after 1 month while her 3rd left after 1 year. She actually blames me for her 3rd husband leaving her even though I wasn't living in the same state.

    I notice many comments on here are the same type of bitter woman that my x is. Men don't want to be married to someone that makes the life miserable, and acting like the man's 2nd mommy isn't what most want either. I've yet to meet a man that wants to have a nag wife.

    I'd tell any young guy contemplating marriage to think it over 100 times and then again because they are handing over their lives to her in more ways than they can understand. Like the woman who said she took revenge in court to basically destroy his life. The courts gave her that power and every man needs to know that very seriously before they get married.

    Actually just having a child with a woman is giving her power over your life for at least 18+ years.

    Men, if you're reading this, please keep it safe and be careful about getting a woman pregnant. Don't marry quickly. The courts are there to let the bitter woman that she will turn into when divorce comes around take control and destroy your life just as the other comments on this article show.

    Men, don't get married and then become the sole earner. Notice in the comments how many woman got married for that and then blame their man for their dependency. Make sure you wife has a career or gets one. That will come back to haunt you later in a massive way. It is a very bad idea to let years and years go by as your wife stays home while you work. The courts will force you to support her after the divorce even if she is being very evil with you and twisting your life in all directions. You have no recourse other than to destroy your own life int he process.

    Look at Tiger. Look at Johnny Deep. Foolish Johnny going from one disaster into a bigger one. Sometimes men just dont learn. If you're a man, learn from these men's mistakes.

  • Comment Link Tanja Friday, 05 September 2014 15:58 posted by Tanja

    I totally agree. I think family is your most precious possession in life. And to give it all up for some little whore who is willing to engage in sex with a married man is beyond any of my beliefs. What kind of morales does a woman like this have ? I really don't blame her, my ex was the married man. She should have never started an affair with him. Us woman should set our standards much higher.
    I am over it now. It has been almost 2 years. I am so much happier. I don't have to listen to his lies and most importantly I don't subject myself to catching some decease from his little party minions. They can have him. I deserve so much better and do does my son. A father who is capable of walking out on his family is a worthless coward. I sure don't want someone like this in my life . I have my son, my family. He can have his whores.

  • Comment Link Lynn Manieri Tuesday, 02 September 2014 21:14 posted by Lynn Manieri

    Here's one for you....husbands come and go, but FAMILY IS FOREVER!!!!

  • Comment Link Inna Monday, 25 August 2014 09:40 posted by Inna

    Beingentally abused is even worse!! You don't even realise you are alowly being chipped away by someone controlling. That is unacceptable!
    I didn't know until the divorce, my husband had been hiding money every week, pathological lying, affairs. He bullied me out of my own home with a five month old baby. He threatened me to leave the USA back to my country knowing in my vulnerable state I was in, I would because I was alone in the USA and I had just given birth. I didn't want to go but to be threatened wth a baby makes any woman jump. The day I left the country, my neighbours emailed me and said my husband had thrown out all of our babies belongings, crib, clothes, toys etc. and a lot of our marital stuff. He then get got rid of our family dog!
    This man told me we couldn't afford anything when he had 100s of thousands in the bank hidden!
    2 weeks after I left, he brought the mistress to live in our home with him. He empitied our bank accounts and didn't support us. My neighbours were so shocked by all of his behaviour. The lack of emptahy and remorse!

    I had loved this man so much. I do recognise where I went wrong in my marriage. I was definitely Immature when it came to arguments as I couldn't let go of things that didn't get solved right there and then. However, I did not break this marriage! And in some cases it does not TAKE TWO!! If you married a FALSE person, who lies, controls financially, blames you for everything, everything is about them, cheats, steals, bullies, manipulates, ignores his responsibility as a father, then that takes ONE to break the marriage!

    I look back and see I did not lie, cheat or steal! I was absolutely 100% honest to the core with this man. My downfall was being upset that he sided with his bipolar mother all the time and never considered my feelings. He blamed me for not making him happy!

    So I disagree with you when it takes two to destroy a marriage. If I was submissive to all his needs then maybe my marriage would have lasted 10 fake years of abuse!
    Lastly we do makes choices and we cannot control situations but for someone to control you, is wrong!!

  • Comment Link Kaya Saturday, 23 August 2014 01:56 posted by Kaya

    There are ways to end marriages. If a Person cheater and lies and betrays, that's not the way to do it. If you are unhappy in the marriage then get a divorce and start a new relationship after the divorce is final. You should never cheat and leave your spouse while you are married. My ex husband left me for a young co worker after 20 years of marriage. I will not take any blame for his cheatibg and lies. Instead I hired the best lawyer, took him to court and hurt him financially. I did not get mad , I got even. He has lost his home, his family , his money , his integrity. For what ? Some hot sex with the first female who gave him some attention? There is never an excuse for cheatibg on your spouse. It's what losers and cowards do. I am glad she crossed his path. Divorcibg him was the best decision I ever made. I have to show my child that it is not ok to disrespect your wife like said. This article totally takes sides with the adulterer. Shame on you

  • Comment Link Christina Wednesday, 11 June 2014 02:08 posted by Christina

    I did everything for my husband. He is in the military and the 21 years and 14 years in the military I did everything for him. We had a great time during our marriage. Everyone including him and i couldn't believe how good we got along. We spent all our time together. Had all the same beliefs. Then he got deployed went threw a hard time and another female was deployed with him. Like she said.... She was there for him when I wasn't. He left our family for her. He never came home after deployment. He still comes around and acts like he's my friend. He tells me he never ment to hurt me but he is in love with her now. He doesn't blame me for anything. He says I was a great wife. He will always be there for me. This is why I have a problem with your article.

  • Comment Link Maripaz Lara Sunday, 06 October 2013 18:17 posted by Maripaz Lara

    I dont believe in the comment this woman left. I felt she favors the adulterer. She also has no right to comment on battered women. I was abused by my soon to be ex husband physically, verbally and emotionally. I stayed because of co-dependency. If a spouse the one you love and made a vow together he should protect you. When someone you love no matter how positive or how high your sense of self worth is if day in and day out he calls you fat, ugly, stupid, old give me something to look at. You will start believing you are even if you are not. He has been having an affair throughout our marriage and his sexual addiction to women which includes pornography, ladies of the night, massage parlors he sucked my account dry. Now tell me by giving this person your all that you have been a bad wife and he has the right to leave you for another woman.

  • Comment Link Moya Wednesday, 18 September 2013 16:13 posted by Moya

    Although I agree that each individual is responsible for his/her own happiness, I must disagree that it takes two to destroy a marriage. One person can single handedly destroy a relationship - as a relationship requires the devotion of two individuals, and if one individual makes a choice of infidelity, that act alone can destroy the relationship permanently. As a matter of personal accountability, if someone chooses to cheat and leave for another woman, then that choice makes it apparent that their spouse is not a priority to them, and to blame the dumped spouse for this is both unfair and irresponsible. I could have easily chosen to cheat on my ex spouse, but I did honor my marriage and my husband at the time. The fact that my ex did not do the same is not my fault, and I will not accept responsibility for his lack of character. I am grateful that I now have the opportunity to experience true love and respect and I do take accountability for my own happiness.

  • Comment Link Dee Sunday, 15 September 2013 16:37 posted by Dee

    Again, responsibility... You say you don't have the means to leave but you are responsible for not being able to function without a husband. You forfeited all of you earning power and means without any regard for the possible future. You could have kept up on your schooling and a part time job at a minimum.

  • Comment Link Jan Friday, 26 July 2013 20:13 posted by Jan

    I would bet that this author was not stuck in a marriage with an abusive spouse and possibly children, with no means to leave. What a jerk this woman is. When a woman and her children are financially dependent on an abusive spouse, and when that spouse has the control and ability to take her children from her, then it is not that woman's fault.

    Sorry, woman. You are way off on this. You should stick to what you KNOW. Leave this topic to those who actually UNDERSTAND IT!!!

  • Comment Link patty Friday, 26 July 2013 00:21 posted by patty

    My husband left me 3 years ago. I have been divorced for 2 years. I am still hurt that he moved right in with his mistress and is still living with her. Everyone said it wouldn't last but to everyone's surprise they are still together and seem to be very happy. Why couldn't he love me? He never wanted to spend time with the kids and I but spends every minute with her. Am I jealous or hurt? We live in a small town and they live only a few block from me. I can't afford to move. I was married for 30 years. How do you move on after spending half your life with someone and they just never loved you? am I unlovable?

  • Comment Link i win Friday, 03 May 2013 00:44 posted by i win

    My husband left me for another women..what a senseless act

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 17 February 2013 21:03 posted by Guest

    Me too: What about partners who are abusive? My ex was verbally and physically abusive and cheated on me since before we were married. He eventually left me for his mistress (after her husband died in an 'accident' and left her piles of money). Was I perfect? Of course not. But I did nothing to deserve the horrible way he treated me. And our children did not deserve to be mistreated either. I believe we all must take responsibility for our lives - I am moving on, living life on my own terms each day. He married his mistress of 20 years. It is hard for me to believe I was ever married to him at all and I am glad its over. But I do NOT take responsibility for the emotional, verbal, physical abuse I suffered. And chronic infidelity (she was not his only one) is ALSO abusive.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 30 January 2013 10:43 posted by Guest

    I am suffering badly. I don't: I am suffering badly. I don't know how these forums work but I was wondering if you were available to talk to me. thank you.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 January 2013 23:37 posted by Guest

    I couldn't agree more? : Seriously - women need to grow some balls and relise that we dont need to bend over backwards for pathetic insecure needy men. I would rather be alone than be with a man who feels entitled to cheat. Get lost Authour grow some brains.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 08 January 2013 23:20 posted by Guest

    Oh my goodness! Exactly!: Oh my goodness! Exactly!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 04 January 2013 20:22 posted by Guest

    I have to say I agree with you: I have to say I agree with this comment, i was recently abbandoned by my husband for another woman for the 4th time in a 5 year period, my life has been hell trying to put it back together all the time. This time however things got really ugly, and he has gone for good. Im left with a teenage son to care for high cost of living and at the bottom of a pile emotionally, meanwhile hes off with his new partner seemingly unaware of the pain and hurt he has caused. If I getthrough this (and I am not sure I will) I will be taking my own sweet time in finding someone else, I believed in marriage and gave it my all only to be squashed like a cockaroach towards the end...........

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 31 December 2012 11:11 posted by Guest

    The original poster made it: The original poster made it clear there would be angry responses, so, it's no surprise there's a significant backlash. However, she does have a point.

    I'm a guy whose wife packed up and left with our 2 children. Do I have a hand in her leaving? I'll admit I did. How? Perhaps by not bending to her every whim, and stealing to give her the life of a princess she was convinced she deserved. She therefore withdrew, became emotionally abusive, withheld intimacy and decided I was cheating, when I gave up trying to be intimate. To this day, she holds herself blameless for anything.

    At the end of the day, I believe I gave it all I could, but still believe it took both of us to destroy the marriage.

    I cannot help but chuckle at some of the responses, from people who hold themselves 100% blameless. NO ONE is perfect. Are there several circumstances out there where people find they are in a marriage with the 'devil'? YES !! Well, don't hang around, but don't proclaim angelic status either. You got married for a reason, then something went horribly wrong. The folks that stay together are those willing to determine what went(or is going) wrong, address it, and move on.

    Life is way to short to sit on a high chair and blame others for all their personal mishaps. Make the mistake, learn from it, move on, and try not to repeat it. If you've been hurt, don't hang around seething and waiting for an apology. The person(s) who inflicted pain on you are living life and don't care what happens to you. Accept it, channel it, and do what it takes to re-invent yourself so you can rejoin society.

    This is called life.



  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 06 September 2012 23:07 posted by Guest

    This response is amazing and: This response is amazing and so true. It's hard to digest, but life is difficult at times. I was in complete shock that my husband left myself and my two sons this past Christmas. I've worked with a therapist since then, read books, articles, talked with other Mom's that are or have been divorced. I'm truly working on myself and my journey to get through this and remain strong, loving and happy for my boys. I'm not an angry and bitter person and I refuse to allow him to turn me into one. I do sometimes wonder if I have it in me to take care of another child, to take on the stroking and ego boosting that I now realize is so important to keeping men happy,...who does that for me?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 02 September 2012 23:33 posted by Guest

    Huh?: Why should no woman EVER question her hand in the failure of a marriage? I am confused at this statement. Aren't you 50% of the relationship? Aren't you 50% of the problem? Of course we sacrifice...we are women and thats what we do. Take ownership or you will be disapointed again and again.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 02 September 2012 23:26 posted by Guest

    I think you all are missing the point: We all have to take responsibility for our actions in life. We have no control over what others do....we do, on the other hand have control over how we react to things and how we treat others.

    I know this is going to anger a few "womens libers", but as much as we believe as women that things have changed in our society and the way relationships are structured (I hate to say this) but men didn't get on the same train we did.

    Men are like children. They need stroking and props like we give our children. They are very simple creatures. They need food, sex, love and sleep. As women, we are in charge of the relationship. If we want the change, it is US who have to make that change. If a man is happy at home, he will not stray. Please Lady's, do not complicate the situation. And a happy husband will do everything in his power to make you happy too (of course there are the exceptions).

    I was unhappily married for years. I do not blame my ex for the relationship and its dimise, though that would have been an easy out for me. I looked at it from all angles and now that I am dating, I absolutely know what I want in my next relationship.

    So while I am sure those women out there who have been cheated on are blaming their husbands (and I am not sure where this gets you) look inward and see why he left. And maybe think to yourself...Am I the kind of person I want to come home to everyday?

    Just a thought...everyone deserves happiness. Life is long and changes happen. Take them for what they are and stay strong and grow from each experience.

  • Comment Link jamtrio Tuesday, 12 June 2012 12:53 posted by jamtrio

    I agree with all the replies: I agree with all the replies here! The article was not very well thought out...
    The following statement in the article "You aren't responsible for your husband's choice to leave, but you may have played a role in his feeling he had no choice but to leave. It truly does take two to destroy a marriage. A happy husband doesn't leave for another woman." made me very upset!

    I wasn't content with everything my ex offered to the marriage. To me he even lacked on the sexual end....HOWEVER, when I was hit on by other man, especially one who was an old time friend and drop dead gorgeous, I didn't think about leaving and destroying my marriage. My vows to my ex were that I would be there thru sickness & health, til death! I had made a lifetime commitment to him & the family we built together.

    He played a major role in my possible decision to look elsewhere, and leave, but I didn't. I wasn't fully happy, but I don't believe any marriage is because we're all humans and we all have imperfections, so there's nothing like a perfectly happy marriage. So even if you're not happy, you're supposed to work at it!

    My parents have been together 36 years and I can say they are fairly "happy". However, there were periods of their lives that things were pretty bad at home. Never a talk of infidelity, but other issues. They always seemed to work it out. My dad didn't just run out on us because he wasn't happy during that period! My dad loves, loves my mother and even during those unhappy times, he stuck through it & so did she. That's marriage for you!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 22 May 2012 12:17 posted by Guest

    Conflicting: You clearly state the obvious: 'Leaving for another woman doesn't show integrity, it shows cowardice and an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own happiness.' ; however, your article is unclear.

    Most of us DO take responsibility for our parts in our marriages, and realize that no relationship is perfect; however, when many of us (seemed to have) had a spouse who is a 'coward' as you've described, and instead of communicating their unhappiness, they chose to avoid and run away from the marriages and families they helped to build, (often) right into the arms of another before they're even divorced?

    So how do you recommend we (as the left behind wives/spouses) make ourselves 'happy' when our entire world has fallen apart after being lied to, betrayed, and deceived by the one person we trusted the most in the world? Who promised to always be there, through good times and bad?? I agree with a lot of the comments here, this article missed the mark completely. Perhaps if you wrote it from the perspective of 'now we can really SEE who they've become' and take steps to rebuild and find happiness after a lifetime with someone you THOUGHT you knew pretty well, but were completely surprised to learn you didn't - that might be a start.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 09 March 2012 18:02 posted by Guest

    This is annoying and maddening: Articles like this are horrifying to me. To say that two people are ALWAYS responsible for the breakup of a marriage is shortsighted. My ex admitted he was soley to blame for the breakup of our marriage. He had been having a secret relationship with another woman even before we were married, continued it throughout our marriage. He wanted children and a family which he could not have with this other woman so he dated and married me. I believe he did love me when we married, but he also loved this other woman, his self-proclaimed 'best friend.' Was there any way our relationship could have lasted when he continued the relationship with this other woman - was I to blame in any way for not being aware of this relationship (turns out he is a really good liar!), or for not being able to make my marriage work while he was, the entire time, also with his 'best friend.' I think not. I worked hard to try to figure out what was wrong in my marriage and fix it, turned out the only thing that could fix it was getting rid of the other woman - or getting divorced.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 07 March 2012 00:10 posted by Guest

    I don't think that the: I don't think that the intended message was for us as women to find a way to blame ourselves. It's more like trying to figure out the role we played in the marriage so that we don't fall into that same pattern in future relationships. For me, I realized I will never again get into a relationship if my gut tells me something isn't right. I will never settle again. I will never be afraid to be alone. It took ten years for me to realize this and truly follow my heart.

  • Comment Link sunni Friday, 10 February 2012 19:01 posted by sunni

    What is Wrong with you???!!!!: Ughhh! It is bad enough that these immature and selfish men try and manipilulate their wives into taking accountability for their unfaithfullness, abuse, drinking, drugs etc. but I HATE it when another woman does it! I What about the Wife who is unhappy in her Marriage due to the husbands "half" (ha!) of it? How is is that more often than not SHE manages to overcome whatever HE is doing to make the marriage unhappy and continues to try and be loving, work, cook, clean, nurture the kids, nurture him, have sex (while being treated like a second class citizen by her "Oh so entitled Husband"), read books on how to improve her marriage, go to counseling( alone,) because he won't go, asks for advice from her Mother, Friends, and internet, tries to be more patient, tries harder not to argue, WITHOUT- Cheating, Drinking, Staying Out, Abandoning, Drugs? I'll tell you how; BECAUSE of articles and attitudes like this; BECAUSE society as a whole puts most of the shame, humiliation, embarassment, and stigma ON THE WOMAN. The majority of the blame as to why the husband is leaving the marriage for other women or bad behaviors is on THE WOMAN. Making sure the children are okay and coping- ON THE WOMAN. Even the responsibility for initiating fixing the marriage, more often than not is ON THE WOMAN.
    So the men in society who are weak of character are never forced to take accountability for their actions and behaviors. They continue on with their belief in their entitlement and pass it on to their sons; generation after generation. With every generation the percentage of entitled men who see themselves as somehow more deserving of the respect, fidelity, commitment, empathy and even love, that they withhold from their wives increases.
    Men show their mistresses off and often brag about them to their male friends. They take them out in public- THEY are not ashamed- WE are! How backward is that? WE don't want any one to know- look how many times you were assured you that you would be "anonymous" when you became a member of this site. WE hide it. Some of us know our husband is at the bar or restaurant, or even worse HOTEL on his golf/fishing trip. Yet, WE are too embarassed to go there and confront these two adulterers. Why are we embarassed? Because if we did that- people would talk, some one would say that WE are "psycho". WHAT?? Some of us won't call the other woman's number or answer her call because WE are ashamed. WE feel like it is inappropriate, or that we might be called "psycho". WHAT??? This backwards attitude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Articles and attitudes like that of the woman above further this horrible imbalance. I REFUSE to be ashamed if my husband is acting immoral. As his WIFE- I am not "psycho" if I exercise my right to question him , her, or show up wherever. And I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for my Husband's bad or immoral behavior when he is unhappy- HE IS. I am not responsible because my husband who is not giving 100% to his marriage is unhappy. HE is unhappy because of the RESULT that HE created by not giving 100% in his marriage, and not treating his wife as a cherished human being equal to him. I, his wife, am having a natural HUMAN reaction to his behavior when I do not respond to him as I once did . I am tired! I REFUSE to be made to feel guilty, and so should every woman out there who has given 100% for years to her marriage when her partner has not. Sadly more often than not, that is the case. The above author has clearly either been very fortunate in her marriage, or has not had her vows tested as so many women have. Either way her narrow opinion continues to further a horrible social injustice and should be discounted for what it is.

  • Comment Link adri2374 Thursday, 09 February 2012 21:56 posted by adri2374

    I sincerely hope all the: I sincerely hope all the women that have read this do NOT believe a word of this!!! No woman should ever question their hand in the failure of their marriage.

    This article makes me so mad - how many wives had fought for so long to save their marriages?! It is so easy for the man to walk away without glancing back and the wives are left with the tears and broken images of love and marriage!!

    Your statement in paragraph one "look at our actions and what role our actions played in bringing about our problems" is ridiculous!! Wives, mothers and women sacrifice EVERYTHING for our family and husbands, the only role our actions played was to try and keep our marriage and family together.

    Does the author REALLY take time and read what women are posting on this website? Does any of their hurt and pain register with this author??!!!

    I really need to stop re-reading this article.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 26 April 2010 16:52 posted by Guest

    questions: In one sentence you say that leaving someone " shows cowardice and an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own happiness." Yet in another sentence you say that another person should have left. How do we know when we should stay around or leave when there's so many gray areas? How much of another person not co operating is "our responsibility?"