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When you start to schedule sex into your agenda, you know that your relationship isn't going so well.

Eight years into my first "marriage," scheduling sex was a means of managing to get a night of peace and quiet, though. My partner wanted it ALL the time. I wanted it NONE of the time. I didn't like him any more, and I certainly didn't want to kiss his mouth, let alone roll around in bed.

But he was persistent (read: sexual harassment) and I had to do something. "Look. I'll give it to you twice a week. Okay? Will you leave me alone now? Please? Just stop touching me."

This opened up negotiations. One would think my loving partner would be concerned about my feelings, emotions and why I didn't want him to touch me. He was actually concerned about increasing his potential sexual invitations to every second day. Twice a week was just too long to wait.

So every second day, I got to go to bed. I didn't have to lie there tense as a board and gritting my teeth. I didn't have to fake an orgasm that was tight and angry to get him off me. I got to go to sleep in peace and quiet.

One day on, one day off became the mantra of the remaining two years of our relationship. I don't know how I managed to endure that and I'm not sure why I did.

My ex mentioned those times, recently. Fifteen years later, he remembers those scheduled moments of "do it and get it over with" as great sex sessions in bed with two absolutely willing partners.

Go figure.

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15 comments

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 18 June 2012 08:02 posted by Guest

    myself: It was certainly interesting for me to read that article. Thanx for it. I like such topics and anything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read more on that blog soon. http://vyhon.sk/">porno

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 July 2011 23:58 posted by Guest

    Yes, that can be true. A lot: Yes, that can be true. A lot of times, people in general get bogged down with the overwhelming stesses of everyday life. That can be pretty detrimental to any relationship, especially one built on the wrong foundation. They say there are plenty of fish in the sea, but in reality, there are really only a handful that you were "meant" to be with. Choose wisely.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 July 2011 17:42 posted by Guest

    Not necessarily. The gloom: Not necessarily. The gloom could very well have been brought into the relationship by him.

    Let's face it, there are gloomy people. Gloomy people who put on a cheerful front in order to gain approval, only to show their gloomy core after they become comfortable to be themselves with those who've come to like and accept them for the front they show.

    Yes, some people have the gloom "put into" them through their relationships, but there are at least as many relationships that are made gloomy thanks to the people that make them so.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 July 2011 15:05 posted by Guest

    gloom was put into him: gloom was put into him through your relationship. Trust me, he wouldn't be gloomy if he were happy. You did the best thing, not just for yourself, but for each other.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 22 July 2011 02:16 posted by Guest

    It is not just Men who feel: It is not just Men who feel the passing of time—the feeling of time not well spent.

    I initiated my divorce because I saw us living in tension, with different ideas for how much energy we wanted to put into Life. Sex was non-existent, 2xs in the previous three years. He didn't want more out of life, and I had that "forever..., for the rest of my life" moment & saw my life getting away from me. I was wasting my time trying to make a marriage work, one he really didn't work at or seem to want.

    I'm glad its over, 'cause it was over *long* before it was over. Life is hard & if you end up with someone who faces it with gloom rather than acceptance for the work that has to be done...it's no way to live. You're better off & happier being free.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 July 2011 09:37 posted by Guest

    Resentment kills marriages: Resentment kills marriages and turns them into roommates. When you start viewing sex the way you did, the only thing left to do is leave. Nothing will make it better, so best to not waste each others time, so I congratulate you on that. Life sucks sometimes, but that's the harsh reality of it.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 July 2011 00:21 posted by Guest

    Loss Of Sexual Attraction: I am just in the final stages of my divorce. I recall during the last 8 months prior to separation, sex was non-existent or there was always an excuse not to have it. My ex was on range of medication. I'm not sure if that affected her libido. I can recall that during the last two years of marriage I harbored resentment toward her for her actions ( not infidelity ). I think these feelings were conveyed by the treatment of her and she sensed this and therefore could have loss the desire for intimacy. I began to view sex with her as a means as a physical release as opposed to an act of intimacy. This simply served as a mean for me to not look elsewhere for physical comfort. I'm glad its at an end finally.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 23:03 posted by Guest

    I'm not exactly sure why it: I'm not exactly sure why it was invented, maybe to keep order in the world... who knows. Marriage is also good for raising children and also helps the economy at the same time.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 22:55 posted by Guest

    I know Elizabeth, I know, it: I know Elizabeth, I know, it sounds so easy to say. I've often tried to convince myself of the same things, but it never seems to work. Trying to make something work, is just that... work. Women may be able to recreate the spark cause they view relationships in a different way than men do and may not go through the whole "life getting away from them" phase. That term was actually used on an episode of "the glades" and it actually put a smile on my face, cause I had been wondering what was causing me to feel this way, and that term pretty much explained it. Was kind of glad I wasn't the only one feeling that way. When speaking to my wife about intimacy, it has nothing to do with her looks, but more to do with the heart. I'm not the kind of guy that just wants to get his "rocks off" so to speak. I also don't think games or special positions change anything, they almost make it feel more forced and that isn't my idea of true intimacy... so I obstain from it for that reason alone. And of course, when you are not happy at home, your eyes begin to wander, as mine have... but I try to control those feelings as much as I can. I've been through counselling, and have done everything I can to make this work, but again, if the heart no longer feels it, there's nothing you can really do to turn that around. As far as the life getting away from you feeling. Men go through some serious midlife stages especially in their 30's (which I am). It's a feeling of...."is this it?? like forever until I die???" the thought of thoughtless sex with a partner for the rest of your life will freak you out, especially when that's all a man thinks about. Look, I like the whole "goals" thing, that's great and all, but what are you doing those things for if your heart no longer desires them? If you're not happy at that level, how is "achieving goals" together going to change anything. I can do that with any of my friends or even by myself.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 17:44 posted by Guest

    And Steve, on the sex issue: And Steve, on the sex issue noted above by Julie, you say it was the same for you as for her (julie) - did you tell your wife why you didn't like her and were repulsed? Were you communicative? Did you try to do anything that might save your relationship? Did you share your emotional status?
    Or was there someone else first? Then it became a chore to have sex?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 17:38 posted by Guest

    And "all men" feel like this?: And "all men" feel like this? Then why the hell do they promote marriage with promises to be loyal? This was not even invented by women (but by men.)
    Heck, why get married? I am really wrestling with this.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 16:55 posted by Guest

    I've been wondering about: I've been wondering about those differences between men and women. It does seem each has a different idea of what makes them happy. If fidelity and communication and effort are not things men want in a marriage, I'm not sure I think anyone should get married.

    Certainly things are not magical all the time. get over this.

    Why do you think "sparks fading" and "life getting away from you" are the same things?
    How come I can do things that re-invent that spark? And men can't?

    How is life getting away from you? You feel like you are missing something? I have found that it is generally better make something work than to get the shiny new version. (yeah there are exceptions.)

    I think you might try your own advice (previous posts) Live and Enjoy. Do the things that are fun and things that help you grow and learn. Just do them with that person who knows you, likes you, respects you, puts up with your quirks. Why can't your goals be accomplished with a partner!?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 16:21 posted by Guest

    From my experience, and from: From my experience, and from what I've heard from all my friends and family, this is common. Why it has to get to this point, I'm not sure, it just happens I guess. You can never control your feelings, and they change from one day to the next. Sparks inevitably fade, and in most cases this is why the marriage fails. When men hit a certain age, they start to fear that life is getting away from them, which causes the infidelity. ALL MEN deal with this. I can't say the same thing about women, cause I'm not one, but I feel like their feelings towards life, and what they look for in a relationship are FAR different than what a man looks for. And for this reason, I feel it can't work, at least not in the COMPLETELY HAPPY sense, not unless the man comes to terms with this and both are on the same playing field.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 15:37 posted by Guest

    Steve, why do you think every: Steve, why do you think every relationship has to get to this?
    You don't think two adults who like and love each other would enjoy sex with each other regularly?
    Sounds like an excuse for infidelity to me.

    And I do wonder about the point of marriage.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 July 2011 09:35 posted by Guest

    Inevitably all relationships: Inevitably all relationships get to this point. You have to wonder why marriage still exists? That spark will never last forever, and when it fades, which it will, your life will never be the same. I too have been in this position, and I'm a guy, so it can happen the other way around also. Very wise words, and great article, thanks Julie!