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From The Experts

We've gathered knowledgeable, dedicated divorce experts from a variety of fields to lend their advice and perspectives. Our experts include lawyers, healthcare professionals, certified professionals, and everyday women with insight into the topics that will help you stay empowered.

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Are you thinking about divorce? The decision to divorce is critical, with consequences that can last a lifetime. It is a step that should be thoroughly thought out before taken.

Below are questions you should ask yourself before making the decision to divorce.

Is there still an emotional connection?

Have your feelings for your husband faded or are you frustrated over marital problems that seem insurmountable? If there are still feelings of love, you should work on the marriage before deciding to divorce. Don't allow feelings of frustration to cause you to make a choice you will later regret. If there is love left, seeking to solve problems with a marriage counselor could put the brakes on a divorce you didn't want in the first place.

Is your desire to divorce based on an emotional reaction or true self-awareness?

A true desire for divorce means letting go of any emotional attachments you have to your husband, the good ones and the bad ones. Making the decision to divorce at a time when you are overwhelmed with emotions won't solve problems. It will generate more problems and compound hurtful feelings and frustrations.

Being able to view your husband as an individual who deserves your respect during the transition of divorce is imperative. If you can't do this, the divorce process will be riddled with anger and conflict. Divorce is not an opportunity to point fingers and blame. It is the opportunity to move on and rebuild your life. The more negative your emotions toward your husband, the harder the process of rebuilding will be.

Is it a divorce you want, or a change in marital dynamics?

Some view divorce as a last resort — the step they need to make to get their husband's attention. They think that if they threaten divorce or follow through with a divorce, their husband will come to his senses and realize what he has lost. Their husband will be magically transformed into the man of their dreams, the marriage can be put back together, and all will live happily ever after.

If you want a change in the dynamics between you and your husband, it isn't divorce you want. Something to think about; once you have divorced, your spouse is free to form emotional attachments to others. If that thought is uncomfortable, think twice before making a decision to divorce.

Can you handle the needs others may have as a result of a divorce?

Divorce can mean a loss of dreams and goals... for you, your husband, and your children. Even if you are positive it is a divorce you want, you need to have a support system in place to help you deal with the stress associated with divorce. You need to be able to face the pain your husband and children will feel and to help them cope.

Do you have what it takes to get through the divorce process?

If you do decide to divorce, you will need a plan, realistic expectations, the ability to be honest with yourself and others, courage, self esteem, and self-respect. Take a moral inventory and arm yourself before beginning the process.

Related Content:

Could Couples Therapy Really Save Us? An honest look at what can (and can't) improve because of marriage counseling

Tell-Tale Signs That It's Time to Divorce, by Cathy Meyer

5 Financial Actions to Take Before You Even Think About Divorce, by Financial Planner, Lili Vasileff

How Much Will Divorce Cost Me?

Click the following for more articles and resource videos on Getting A Divorce

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  • Comment Link Mireya Wednesday, 25 October 2017 12:34 posted by Mireya

    Hello, I have a major issue, my husband made me leave the state of Wisconsin because I was sick, (psychological problems) but I was waiting for my green card, to get it for a longer time, I begged him to let me stay but him and his mom took me to the airport and even when I tried and beg as much as I could, I felt scared if I stayed they could have treat me bad, (like acuse me, or keep bothering me and not let me try to stay calm) now that I'm here he doesn't wanna talk to me, and said he's tired, we fight every time we talk, and he asked me for a divorce, the problem is I don't have money to treat myself, and my green card hasn't arrived yet, I don't wanna divorce him but I understand I can't force him, but I'm scared for my papers, I have no way to prove he forced me to leave, and I'm really really sick, the only proof I have for the green card is the paper that said I was waiting for it, but it will arrived at his house and with a divorce it will affect me, other think is, I had to beg him to buy me the medication, and when he did he used to hide it from me and my therapists know this, will this help me at least a little to get my papers??? I think he planned all this so will this help me about the situation? I would really appreciate an answer, thank you for reading..

  • Comment Link april Monday, 17 April 2017 17:02 posted by april

    My husband leaves early very morning and does not come home till late at night. He will not spend any time with me and if he has to he will start a fight and leave. He told me he doesn't care if I leave but I can not leave cause I have no place to go. He has places to go. He kept me locked away from the world. He still won't let me go anywhere or do anything. If I get up in the mid of the night to pee he askes me where am I going. We do not sleep in the same bed and haven't in years but he still wants to control my life. He won't work and wont let me work. He takes the phone and other ways to communicate to the outside world away from me. He uses drugs and lies about it. He has beat me many times. How do I get out. I tried to and was told by help agents that I should be happy because I do own my home. I am at a point either he lets me have a life or I will just end this prison life I am living. He even wrecked two cars the same day I put insurance on them so I could lose my licesnse. I am can not stay in a marriage​like this and I know I am going crazy.

  • Comment Link Mila Saturday, 14 January 2017 17:35 posted by Mila

    Hello I mean 44 and have 5 kids four from my 15 year marriage until we argued the night I left to allow him to calm down 7 years ago and was never able to get back in my own home till this day he put a restraining order on me took my kids and house and I got the streets a lone with no help from a single soul is this possible to be a good outcome for me in anyway possible

  • Comment Link Milla McKay Friday, 28 October 2016 23:44 posted by Milla McKay

    I got married recently to a man who does not have a green card or work papers. He has a young child back in his country. A month after we got married my husband said he son was coming up to visit. What I did not know was that he was going to stay in the US permanent with his mother who also does not have a green card or a work permit. My step-son's mother also just married a man who has a green card or citizenship which I found odd. A few more months went by I discovered my husband has a second has who is a baby unbeknownst to me. This just broke my heart (although the baby was born before I met him). To add to the situation he claims he didn't tell me because he did not believe the child was biologically his but refuse to get a paternity test or put his name on the birth certificate. The baby is with the mother of the first child which is just a mess. He isn't working to due the green card filing process so it is just me working holding everything down. I have only met his son and other allegded son but none of his family because he claims his close family is back home and the ones in the US are shady and use him, talk behind his back... The kids now live with his aunt who lives 5 mins away but it has been a year and I still haven't met her. I feel like I got the bad end of the stick. I am young enough to leave and start over. I hate how he kept that child a secret and claims he wasn't claiming to be the father and also refuses to get tested to find out. I am young, and childless with no properties tying me to my husband. I have also been going through a cancer scare. I work and go to school to get a better career because I am the only one working. The stress level is way too high. Should I get divorced?

  • Comment Link MARIE WEINSTEIN Friday, 14 October 2016 01:01 posted by MARIE WEINSTEIN

    help me stop my divorce

  • Comment Link Sadie Sunday, 29 May 2016 16:46 posted by Sadie

    My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years but we have been together for a total of 7 years. We have had our ups and downs, but one that stands out is when I caught him having an emotional affair with one of his co-workers. I confronted him and asked him if he wants leave he can to just let me know. He said that no we are going through a rough time and he understands that so he told me he wanted to try harder in our marriage and that he would stop speaking to this co-worker. Well recently he decided to join the military and in march started basic training. He kept constant contact with and continued to tell me he still loved me and that our love was getting stronger through this process. Due to financial issues I was unable to attended his graduation. So he called me when he got his phone back to tell me that he is in love with his co-worker and has been in a relationship with her for a year and a half. That he changed so much through these 3 months and that he wants this to be over. Just like that. I have no idea what is going on or how to feel. Is it really over or is he confused?

  • Comment Link P.P Singh Sunday, 22 May 2016 20:49 posted by P.P Singh

    There is no magic instead you are dealing with reality of life. I realised too late she made me hollow in terms of emotions and financially. I came to know when my kid never wants to be fathers son instead of mothers son but on wrong side. Will anyone like to take a perso n on the edge of life very soon. Love didn't happen to us any time. She needed money and her life to get enjoyed. All years I knew she betrayed me but my kids need of mother was everything for me. After 15 years I came to know she had made sick to kid who dances at her mothers voice while his father is dead and so has all others in family. This has to end because the diseas is causing death to every member. She happens to be very caring women till date even after death of my mother. Just making her look in mirror she gets mad & wants to take rid of every one. The real fact scrumbld me to make myself talk in my own fashion. I made thin gas practical to not leaving her on ease. Real things dr over crazy leaving home without talking As I said abou money and luxury recalled her but I didn't let her happen. Soon she is demanding a big price to let me go All 15 years of my compromising with her for kid aren't coming back. My pain and suffering want to Ava Ngr her. I am not giving my single penny without Justice. She has taken her son and trying to play emotional drama which is never going to work. I don't want to take anyone who don't loves me. Every thing which I used to think is mine has gone away. Now I enjoy to be alone.

  • Comment Link Cath Thursday, 07 January 2016 20:50 posted by Cath

    My husband wants the divorce, not me. I overspent, I have depression, I cheated and I didn't help out enough around the house. He has a strong support network, I haven't. I can't forgive myself and neither can he. We've been married for 15 years.

  • Comment Link Amanda Thursday, 07 January 2016 05:10 posted by Amanda

    Me and my husband have been together for 8 yrs married for 3 of those years and have a wonderful 5 month old son.. 3 days ago he decided he does not want this anylonger he got his things and left... he agreed to marriage counseling for 6 months and seperation. . We went to counseling the next day and he said that he still loves me.. but not the way I love him and he just wants to move on.. he did that even want to give it a chance to work ... I'm 26 and he is 24.. highschool sweethearts.. I love him and want him to come back home.. I don't know own if he is just confused or if he is really gone.. please I need help

  • Comment Link Holly Golightly Sunday, 03 January 2016 13:48 posted by Holly Golightly

    To Friday, 27 November 2015 04:55 posted by Don:

    Why aren't you able to pursue your self-awareness and dreams without a divorce? Must a divorce be a part of your self-awareness and dreams? If so, you should not have gotten married.

  • Comment Link Don Friday, 27 November 2015 04:55 posted by Don

    So should I divorce my wife to chase my dreams and self-awareness?
    Male 59 no mid life crisis.

  • Comment Link R Mata Monday, 29 June 2015 01:19 posted by R Mata

    I got tricked and scammed from my marriage. its a very very long story because the scam originated 2 years till I actually fell from the "modus operandi" of those abusers. At first before our marriage my wife and I always had good conversation so like the marriage happen in the philippines. after the marriage those stepsister of my wife who's the one bugging me for marriage for 2 years. Suddenly started to not answer my call.. until they abandoned me.. I'm here in the philippines and my wife wanted an annulment. the wedding happened 2013. I got depressed anxiety got into car aqccident coz of restless of non stop thinking and trying to figure out how can i talk to my wifewhile im in US and their in the philippines. all relatives friends of this that I met never replying back. so like the marriage is a scam. I lost 23 months of work and my motivation to work. for some reason I cant let go of my wife thinking we never had honeymoon, but now they are trying to file an annulment. is it possible for me to ask like at least a night with my wife since I felt like its the only way for me to actually accepts the divorced or annulment? can I ask 1 night to my wife? since we never had sex at all

  • Comment Link Bren smith Saturday, 27 June 2015 09:38 posted by Bren smith

    Please ladies here me out. My alimony was reduced from $800 monthly agreement. Sinned, sealed, that part of my hell I thought was over. I was not aware immediately statics show domestic violence does in fact increase much of the time. If not murder.

    Approximately 45-60 days again all was settled. He waited for our beautiful girls to settle into their classes. I did not hear him slip in. I was off to another day at work with the best women I iss greatly

    A brutal rape took place. I was just getting the hang of the word . NO! You're not allowed to violate any part of my body, it down my skills, remind me there was no man that would ever put up with me. For that matter Mr. I no longer believe every word out of your mouth.

    What Need to ask and yes I plan to hire attorney if not to late. He had put us right back in court to protect his outstanding, bible believing, nice guy image. The narcissistic running to his core would not allow the truth. I didn't matter to my husband. Ouch!!!

    I certainly would have gone back to court right away after foolish man on the bench stole from for my own rape. I was raped. People began to find out so ex and I are in corset only months later breaking my budget to pieces. Of course by that length of time goin on 12 years of this constant insanity

    I was I'll with complex post traumatic disorder, major depressive issues and disassotive Tate at times

    It addition to Caron for my angels. The $300 I was ordered by the to pay him for my rape I could easily have made up and coerced at work.

    Problem was know the rape and listening to his perjury on the stand was it for me. All I could take had arrived. I am concerned ladies that raising kids, crying yet thankful each day for a ssdi approval.

    Real dozers in housing. ( I am on road to my own home now). So excited.

    Do you feel coming back to court after a ten year decision is going to be to late? Is there a statue?

    I am also asking for all the years I had always worked. My entire life. It's know been a few years. I wants he the years of my salary bonus investment back.

    At the very least my $300 rapt fund at very least. Too late? Not too late?

    I forgot to mention I started trauma therapy in March.

    Yes, also very costly but will not give that gift up.

    Ge'ez I feel weird. So sorry for inappropriate. Trauma says I must ask for help sometimes to take care of Bren. Any help at all with attorney fees. I would be so grateful. Get I hope it was okay to ask.

  • Comment Link Anthony Monday, 13 April 2015 18:39 posted by Anthony

    I told my wife of 8 years that I am not in love with her anymore. I told her that I tired of being tossed to the side and feeling like i don't matter to her. I just want us to be happy and get along like we did in the beginning of our marriage. She makes me feel like i do not matter and she puts everyone before me. i not perfect i have done some stupid things in our marriage and yet she still brings it up. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I work 2 jobs and i work about 65 to 70 hrs a week. But yet i don't do enough to help out around the house. i come home and we argue about the dumbest things possible. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

  • Comment Link Bret McBeth Tuesday, 17 February 2015 19:07 posted by Bret McBeth

    my wife was treating me like crap I think she had an affair now she will not speak to me at all does she feel guilty is out why she's treating me like crapI did move out I paid one more months rent for her she knows how I feel but she will not say for sure if you want to divorce

  • Comment Link vickie Tuesday, 10 February 2015 15:36 posted by vickie

    Great information!!

  • Comment Link Amber123* Thursday, 05 February 2015 08:24 posted by Amber123*

    My husband emails/ texts other girls what do I do?? When I voice my issue he says he dosent care for me anyway!

  • Comment Link Amanda Saturday, 31 January 2015 14:54 posted by Amanda

    I have took a much deeper look into myself about what I really want, this is after all my 2nd marriage and I don't feel like giving up so quickly maybe I'll try a little longer. It's hard to find that special someone . I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and 0 with this one. But my kids father has been deceased for 3 years now and my husband now really trys his best to be there for them , I would hate to make any rash choices that might mess our lives up. So thank you for the article.

  • Comment Link Barry Edwards Friday, 14 November 2014 00:04 posted by Barry Edwards

    I've been through 3.5 years of ups and downs with my wife. I would be glad to hear some advice. I do feel that a divorce is in order due to bad times and so many of them. my name is Barry and im 51. this is my 3rd marriage. I view myself as a 3 time loser.

  • Comment Link martha Saturday, 08 November 2014 21:03 posted by martha

    My husband has been having an affair becouse i gambles 11 years ago so he justifies his affair becouse of my gambling

  • Comment Link michael Saturday, 11 October 2014 11:10 posted by michael

    I am in need of good advice my wife has filed for divorce and well we both had our pointing fingers part of divorce but several times she has mentioned its not what she wanted but will not go back to the way it was and continues with divorce. And when i try to except her moving on she would get mad and when i apologized and told her i hop she finds a man to make her happy the way i could not i ws told that i am still in her i just dont get what is going on in a horrable nigthmare because of ups and downs help please

  • Comment Link S.Dot Tuesday, 02 September 2014 13:02 posted by S.Dot

    In need of some advice.
    Ive only been married for 3 years and my husband has had a mistress for almost 1 year. He moved out in april for 2 months and then moved back in. I know i need a divorce but I can use the help at home. I work overnight shifts and have no one to watch the kids or bring them to school. Should I let him go and find other ways to handle the kids or just let him live there to help with babysitting?

  • Comment Link raja Tuesday, 02 September 2014 09:33 posted by raja

    my wife stay with other person , she could not stay with me .
    i Am apply divorce on march 2014 , How many days i wait for the divorce ?
    her parents received the the divorce paper from court,

    please tell what i do

  • Comment Link robert Monday, 25 August 2014 12:17 posted by robert

    wife left 7 Times has lied about seeing her ex husband secretly sees him and does favors for him while he's in prison? I stay here alone but we have no kids . we are not living together she shows very little interest in the relationship or at all very little contact.I had sex with another woman . is that considered cheating ? in my heartbit over I let go when she put a tattoo of her husbands last name on her..I dont belive its cheatig

  • Comment Link Ron Saturday, 16 August 2014 23:57 posted by Ron

    I am a male in my mid-50s married for 9 years. This is me and my spouses second marriage and we both have adult children. She has three and I have one.

    I filed for divorce from her because we began to argue all the time about one of her adult sons. It really put a major strain on our relationship.

    Immediately after we took our marriage vows (like the next day), she tells me that her son has no place to live. His father had put him out of his house. (Her son lived in Wisconsin and I live in Virginia). This was back in 2005.

    I agreed that he can live with us on a temporary basis until he finds a job and gets his own place. Well, that was back in 2005 and it is now 2014 and he is still in the house. He is almost 30 years old.

    He works two jobs totaling over 40 hours per week. He spends his money on video games and DVDs and does not contribute to bill paying or buying food. He is a slob and now feels "moved in."

    Whenever I say anything to my spouse about this situation, she gets angry.

    As for my spouse: She is able-bodied and skilled but refuses to work as she promised me before we married. I handle 100 percent of the bills, work 14-16 hours days (as I commute to work) and when I get home, the both of them are sitting on the couch watching TV and eating fast food. No meals are prepared for me and the house is a mess. She has never ironed a shirt, washed clothes, vacuumed a floor, etc. Her son takes out the trash on occasion. I end up cleaning up the house on the weekends and I cannot stand a filthy house and would be embarrassed if visitors stopped by.

    Within the last two years, I learned that when I go to work, she leaves the house soon afterwards and comes home just before I get home (midnight). I have come home from work many times and she is not there. She will come rolling in at 1am or 2am in the morning. When I confront her about it, she claims that she is with her friends. I know that she is lying.

    I also noticed that the ring and band on her finger was not the one I gave her. I paid $12,000 for the set. When I asked her what happened to the ring and band I purchased her, she said she sold it because she needed the money. I was very upset about this.

    Several months thereafter, there is a new car (no miles on it) sitting in our driveway! (WTF)

    She purchased a new car without telling me about it and she has no job. I see where the ring money went. She already had a great car that she purchased from her father. I paid off the balance for her. She gave this car to her son!

    To add more coals to this fire: I gave her access to my checking account and took her down to the bank to get an ATM card. Several months later, $11,000 is withdrawn from the account! (WTF)

    I confronted her about it and she tells me that she has a "right" to any money in the account because we are married. She never told where the money went.

    So I went to my bank and opened up another account and had my employer deposit money into that account.

    My spouse approached me on a pay period asking whether or not I got paid because the account has no money in it. "Yes, I got paid but my pay goes into another account now." She was volcanic!

    I had to sit her down because she cannot sit for 15 seconds to talk about anything without getting confrontational. Yet, when I told her that I was filing for a divorce then I got her attention.

    I explained to her that she is a "gold-digger" and has not been a good wife. I explained to her how can she watch me work 14-16 hour days and not a meal and coming home and she and her son act like they are on vacation? How long did she expect me to be OK with her 30 year old son making himself a "permanent" fixture in our house? (He washes clothes every day and eats up everything).

    Selling the wedding ring and wedding band I gave her? Buying a new car without discussing it with me? Withdrawing $11000 from the account and I have no clue where that money is? Her spending all day away from home when I am at work?

    Enough is enough.

    I packed up my clothes and left. After a year, I filed for a divorce. During that entire year all she would call and email me asking for money and threatening to call my employer and get me fired.

    When she was served the papers, she started calling the HR department of my employer and started spinning lies. Happily, my employer knows her personality type and told her that our business is not their business.

    I realized that people divorce for all kinds of reasons. Yet, I do not feel guilty or bad about my decision to divorce. Even several of her close friends (who are married) told me that they had spoken with her and warned her that she is playing with fire because no one is going tolerate what she is doing indefinitely.

    She is desperate. And quite frankly, I will fight that she will get nothing from me. No spousal support. Nothing! (She can have everything in the house that I paid for).

    She knows that I have never cheated on me because she had hired an investigator. Plus, she knows that I work long hours and knows the train schedule and knows I come straight home.

    She knows that I am a good person and her friends commend her on "finding someone like me." Well, what will she tell her friends now?

    She really feels immune from anything happening to her.

    I know that she will try to get all she can but I do not see where she has a leg to stand on.

    When I told her that I was filing for a divorce, she looked at me with disdain and said, "I will find me another man who will give me money." (I swear that she said this to me.)

    I just want to get on with my life and hopeful meet someone who genuinely loves me and I love them for what we are and not for what we have or what we can get from one another.

    No one wins in a divorce. But I am happy that I finally made the decision to get one because I did it out of a clear and clean conscience.

  • Comment Link Sabrina Thursday, 07 August 2014 03:08 posted by Sabrina

    The only emotional connection is the fact that I am jealous that he has a girlfriend, and has for the last two years. I am in a no win situation I have no means of financially supporting myself and he knows this and keeps me around as the trophy/social wife. She (the girlfriend) knows about the children and myself...but continues to hang onto him because they both like to party with drugs and alcohol and orgies and out of state burner parties. He keeps me around because I am the normal woman in his life...the one he lets his coworkers and professional friends know about, and I have no choice. I want out and to move on, but am stuck. He takes full advantage of this situation, In is our anniversary today and he is on a plane as I type headed to New York to meet her for one of their "parties" and one of their "meetups" .Very similar to their "meetup" at Christmas and New Years this past year. If only his "professional" friends in the Nations Capitol knew of his double life. I want out so bad.

  • Comment Link unkonown Wednesday, 16 July 2014 07:08 posted by unkonown

    my sister husband lost some where 2.5 year ago we search for him a lot and my sis liveing in criticall condition she haveing two childeren and dont have money to suvive what can we do can she take divorce acc to hindu marrige act.

  • Comment Link Jane Thursday, 15 May 2014 05:54 posted by Jane

    My husband of 22 years has cheated twice. I am 59 years old and he is 52. He cheated with a 31 year old coworker. I caught him texting her and spent the next 4 days dragging a confession out of him. After the first affair he signed a post nuptial contract that gives me a nice settlement. However, he is begging me to give him a second chance and is going to a counselor for himself and we attend marriage counseling together. He seems to be sincere about wanting to reconcile but I question his motives. After all, he is a good liar since he carried this affair on for 9 months before I caught him. I am afraid that he will do it again and I may be too old to date. Should I divorce him? We have 2 children in college.

  • Comment Link Sherry Friday, 14 February 2014 02:41 posted by Sherry

    My husband serving divorce papers tells me he still loves me tell me to keep dr octet payment he'll pay and paying for all the bills and for me not to move anything. Like you don't have to pack anything what does all this mean

  • Comment Link Thuy vu Monday, 28 October 2013 02:51 posted by Thuy vu

    I been married for 17 years ,I'm now 47 and he's 51,we has 1 son 16 years old when we were together he brokes the law and in and out the prisons for 15years .i have my old business so financial he not worried he not a bad husband but not the good once either .when I found out he has a drugs problem I broke down he agree go to half way house to clean that's up . Than he still can't do it's . He been send to federal prison for years . I can't take it anymore I found for divorce but he refuse to sign after he got out the prison he come back to my house he so mad and lost his temper he hit me and left I call the police but later I drop because I don't want he back to prison . We live separated for 2 years he still back and fours ask me to help for his financial .paid his debt here and there for 17 years married to him I'm like his mother he doesn't work if he want to take the kid to shool he will but most at the time I'm doing that's as you known I'm Asian we keep our life privets everything behind the closed door . Special I'm a business woman I have employe to look for .im working 7 days a week to paid for my house for his attorney his bail ... My family disowne me beside my kid have no once around me . I'm finally file for divorce but until now we not final no metter I pressure him . I'm now have anther business my life move to another chapters And he has a new girlfriend ,but he still come back to ask me for money ,if I don't give to him he steal stuff and pond he call my son talk bad about me and go around try to destroy my business most people known him they just inorge his story recently he comes to my office and theartting to kill me I known him for 18 years I can tell when he serious or not . I report to the local police and they arrest him put him in jails for 3 days and release him . Maybe I'm stupid to help him help his girlfriend for financial. When I found out he borrow my BMW and took out my battery to exchange to his car I'm really mad I agree to gave him BMW,325ci when I file for divorce and keep my bmw745li he gave me his bad battery and my car now not able to drive anymore I can't take my son to shool I cannot drive to my work if I can't find someone to jumb the cable . Everyday I has to drive about more than 60miles back and fourd how can he does that to me . We been married one even I divorced him but I alway on his side to help him his girlfriend won't let him go around my kid he live with her work with her but their business not doing well they both don't speak English when I found out about my car I m so mad I come over their business knock in to the door call his names and ask him to return my battery my original once she not open the door and said some bad work agian me I'm mad to yell back and lefl . A few days later while I'm in the meeting my worker call me and said the sheriff want to see me about the court doccoment . She lies to the police and went to the court file retraining order agian me I don't known her house she doesn't have once they both live in small shop that's iligal for business zone I been help her along way I still have all those check I wrote for her . My husband a drug addict he can't have children she 46 they berry make a living she blame I harm her make her scare and scare the baby ,I confirm him is she pregnant or not he text me she no pregnant at all . When I appear to the court house my case is dismissed but inside me it hurt how could they do that to me ? First go around talk bad about me ruins my reputation second she ask the court protect her boyfriend and her kid ? Her boyfriend the once never want to divorce me ? I been raise my kid by myself he never help if I want him to pick up my son at school I have to give him gas money if she find out he got his kid snack she got mad because she thought he using his money so he have to tell her the money is me and my son paid for that . I'm been 17 years for hell now I still have to deal with this ? Now his family blames me for his life he can't even takecare himself because of me since he married me he turn weaks and don't known anything beside me? Is that true ? In my case a lot Asian women been suffer like me but never post on public ? Can I ask Americar for justic ? Do I a victim or them? They mentally and physical abuse me abuse the system ,can they walk away with this ? Please give me your advice . Can I contact the police and tell them the truth ? Can I press charges agian them both ? My husband lost his green card because the crime he makes al criminal I'm the once benefic him the grilfriend not a US citizens either. Tell me if I pressed charged agian them what going to happen ? I'm been milipmilation by them to many way what can I do to close this chapter ? Inorgn them I'm but rummer spared I'm now facing a lot a pressered my price my Carrier I'm so amperagsi hurting and angry .
    Thx to listening my story .

  • Comment Link BeckynKyle Saturday, 14 September 2013 18:46 posted by BeckynKyle

    Me and husband have been together for 8 years and of those 8, we have been married 3 years. 5 years ago, I had planned to break up with him if didn't want to marry me. We had talked about marriage before and he had always said marriage was a serious thing and it wasn't for him. I loved him so much but I didn't want to put any more effort into our relationship if he wasn't ever going to propose. So, one day, when I had made my decision to test him, I popped the question and he just said, "sure. pick a date, any date you want." I was excited and even cleared out my week of work. But it just seemed I was more excited than he was. I scheduled the appointment and we both showed up at the courthouse. It didn't even feel real, nor was I even emotional. I went through with the marriage disappointed that he didn't propose and his expression when he said, "sure, pick a date, any date you want" as if it was nothing at all repeated over and over in my head. I was able to stand there in court to finish the ceremony only because his eyes gleamed with tears when he said, ''I do.'' That was the only comfort reassuring me I was doing it because I loved him. In our 5 years of relationship prior to being married, he was the taker and I was the giver. We were both 24 and he was still looking for himself and wasn't able to find a stable job. He had dreams, lots of dreams. He wanted to pursue these dreams but couldn't do it without me standing by his side. I helped him get through college until he got his degree but he decided he pursued the wrong dream and wanted to go try out for a different one. I felt he was being selfish because I too had dreams, and we had agreed we both would help one another. He lived with with me and had a part time job so I knew I would never be able to pursue my dreams without stability. I had gotten a government job and was relocating and that was when I made the decision to break up with him or marry him. Because we agreed to marry in the moment, we have been running into the same problems we had before marriage: Money issues, his dreams, his wants, his needs. I've always been the man in the relationship and have always given him what he asks for. On his bad days he blamed me for making him dependent upon me, he hated me all throughout our first year and a half of marriage. He didn't like that he had no friends and family in our new location. He blamed me for not letting him be "the man." I cried every night and he ignored me a lot when he was in his bad moods. He always threatened to leave me and move back home. We were both depressed because he couldn't adjust to the new city and I couldn't adjust to his new behavior. All our friends and family thought our marriage was perfect; that was because I made everyone think he always took care of me. I became so good at pretending that he even thought he took care of me. He had access to my bank account, he took money and I never ask him what for. I never knew how much he made or what he spent his money on. I took care of the both of us. When he finally opened up at work and made friends, our marriage got better, he started to appreciate me and my love for him. He started to realize how much I had sacrificed for him and our relationship throughout the years. It didn't last long though. Last year he was also able to get a government job. He had to relocate and bragged about it a lot. He seemed to have a new breath of air in him. He hurt me a lot because he never thought of the separation and time apart or how this would affect me. He didn't even think about me. He sold his car without telling me, packed his bags, and bought a plane ticket home to see his parents while I was on a business trip. When I came back he let me know he was leaving and because our lease was coming up, he had helped me packed a bit as well and he was leaving to see his parents. He then told me about the car. He said it was time he stepped up to the plate and become the man he was never able to be for me (somewhere else). I became bitter and resentful. But he was so carefree his last days with me. Our last year of our marriage has been like this: we've seen each other 14 days out of 365 + days. These days I don't even feel married anymore. He's in a different state and so am I. He's been telling me that If I quit my job, I can move up to where he's at. I don't trust him enough because he's also been telling me his move was the biggest mistake and that he regrets taking the job. he's so wishy washy, and he's still looking for himself at the age of 27. I still love him because there were more good memories when were were dating than bad. I want to have children and so does he, but i don't think we will ever be financially stable enough to have kids or still be in love to have kids. He says he loves me and misses me but a part of me doesn't believe it anymore. I asked him two days ago if he still loves me and he got mad and said he does and that he would give his life for me. He said I would never understand how much he cares for me. I feel like our whole relationship up till now has been a lie. I can't recover from all the let downs he's laid before me. I feel that I should not have married him hoping he'd become the man I wanted him to be: independent, brave, financially stable, strong, romantic. These are things from a fairy tale that are far from what he ever was. I thought I was helping him get there by helping him with school financially, supporting him to get there by helping him with his loans, housing him, feeding him, marrying him. He is yet to give me flower, take me out to for a date and paying for it with his own money. Somedays I still hope that he will wake up in our reality and become the man he wants to be for me. But he doesn't take responsibility for his words, he always goes back on it. Every other day, it's " I want to do this now so I can take care of you, I want to do this so you can take care of me, I want you to have children so I can take care of you, can I just be a stay at home dad? You can be a stay at home mom and I'll work for the rest of our days, lets not have kids till 5 years from now. Im relocating so we can be together. Why don't you move here to be with me instead?" I'm so tired of all these uncertainties in our future. I'm trying so hard to make our relationship work but he's making it easier for me to let him go. I love him, I have always been faithful, and I have always loved the sex, but I do not love who he has become. I don't want a divorce and i feel that seeking counseling would make him hate me because in his eyes, our relationship has always been perfect. He doesn't agree we have any problems and if we do, I'm the one creating them because I want to cheat. Why do I feel so alone in this marriage? Do I have the right to feel this way? If he wanted to become independent in his new government job for himself, why is he still taking money from my account every month? Why does he buy things and never let me know but he gets to know what I buy every month. Why do I have to pay for his new car he bought without telling me and what the hell does he spend his money on that he can't pay for it himself? Why do I feel like I'm being cheated out of this marriage and he feels he has the right to treat me this way because I took his right to be a man? Everyday he's become more and more of a child than a man. Talking to him has become so hard because he never wants to talk about the stuff that matters, like our future, our feelings for each other, why we are the way we are. He shuts down and hangs up on me, and refuses to talk to me. If i ask him not to cheat on me he gets even more angry and then he will really ignore me. Am I just too needy? He thinks I am. He's never cheated on me, at least he never has the 7 years we've been together in the same state. Do I have the right to worry? I don't want a failed marriage but he refuses to work at something he doesn't think is broken. Any advice, please help.

  • Comment Link Meg Thursday, 05 September 2013 01:21 posted by Meg

    I have only been married 3 years but I'm positive my marriage is heading south in a hurry. My husband works out of town while I'm a stay at home mom. He is only home on weekends. And when he is home all he wants to do is nit pick everything and anything I say or do. Nothing is good enough! You would think he would be happy to be home with our son and I but he never acts as if he is. I figured he acts this way toward me because I stay home and thinks I do nothing. But I have offered to get a job but he said he wants me home with our son. He just spit out the real reason the other day! He dosnt want me too work because then I could leave! He says that's also why he dosnt want to help me go to school. It's like I'm trapped! He won't let me even go out with friends because I may find someone else. It's like he knows I could do better and thinks I will. Don't get me wrong I'd love to have a man that treated me better but I'm not looking for one! I damn sure don't want another man to deal with. I just want some time for me and a husband that acts like he appreciates what I do. I mean I cook, clean, pack and unpack his clothes for work,laundry, raise our 2 year old son, do all the yard work, feed all the many animals we have, and wait on him when he's home. Id just like a thank you! Maybe a rose or something every once in a while. Or maybe some romance once I'm a while! Not hey let's go do it! That really gets you in the mood. I don't even really care to have sex with him because I just feel as though I'm just an object and not a person. I've just lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore! I've been trying to make it work for our son. I know how it feels to be from a broken family. But I don't think unhappy parents raising him will do him any good either. Im just at a loss! But I know I'm ready to be happy and I'm doing my best to figure out how to be!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 February 2013 23:51 posted by Guest

    amen!: amen!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 25 February 2013 10:59 posted by Guest

    Wife's Gambling Addiction: My ex-wife of 15 years had a spending problem, so I fully understand your situation. I spent a good 3 years at the end of our marriage attempting to resolve her spending addiction with no luck... In the mean time she drug us (me) down financially to the point of losing our home and having over 20K in credit card debt. From my experiences, run fast and run hard. The only person that can change a situation, is the one that is harboring the problem. As hard as it is emotionally, leaving your wife is the only way for you to solve your problem. I also wanted to stay together with my ex-wife for my children. This was a wrong move too, as all they saw was mommy and daddy unhappy and fighting. Once you leave you will be able to be yourself again and enjoy your children to the fullest. Yes, a divorce is financially devastating, but you will recover...and come out with peace of mind. On a last note, please think of this... If your wife 'really' loved you to the fullest, would she be putting you through this gambling problem???

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 24 February 2013 22:29 posted by Guest

    My wife has a gambling problem I don't know what to do anymore !: Hi my wife and I have been together for 8 yrs now we have been married for 2 yrs. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage 16 and 20 and we also have a 8 month old baby girl. I have been dealing with her gambling problem for 7 Years now. I have stood by her at lowest point supporting her through this addiction even after I found out she lied to me many times and even stole the vacation money out of my house from my kids and I. Back in 2010 I got her to finally go to a 30 day in house gamblers program which I would attend every weekend to be there for her and support her. It was 350 miles round trip by the way! Every once in a while when we get in to an argument she will take off all day. For example she will take off at 10 am and will not return till 2am and when she comes home if I ask her where she has been she replies she has been out. Which makes me believe she is gambling again! I am growing very tired of this I feel like I don't deserve this! The last time she did this I told her that if she did it again it would be the last time she did it to me. Well this last weekend she decided to do it again! When she came home at 2am i found her in the bath tub hiding" when i asked her what she was doing she replied she didnt want to deal with me so she was hiding. Am i going cazy or is she insane? i have this very strong gut feeling that she is gambling again. What do I do I feel like I have forgiven her so many times she doesn't take me seriously anymore. I have talked to an attorney but I'm very sad I do love her still but I can't take the gambling anymore! Any advice would be helpful.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 13 February 2013 14:00 posted by Guest

    hurt...: You want to know how to get through this? You are asking the wrong question. You need to get OUT, ASAP! Before you get seriously hurt or go missing someday. Anybody is capable of anything, and the man you married is now full of rage and contempt for you. The more you tolerate his behaviour, the more he will blame you for accepting his behaviour as normal. The more you are around him, the more you will agitate him. You need to find a shelter where he can't find you, as moving out and taking away his control over you will infuriate him even more.

    God Bless you!

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 10 February 2013 04:45 posted by Guest

    Let me make this very simple: Let me make this very simple for are denying yourself the opportunity to be loved. You are also allowing yourself to be 'OK' with being abused. What you really should be asking is why don't you love yourself? To clear up any confusion you may still have allow me to answer again, "You should have left like yesterday!"

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 30 January 2013 08:42 posted by Guest

    What to do!: I have been married for 10 years we have 3 (9,7,2) kids togather and he has one from previous relationship she is an adult now we married when she was 12. I still love my husband but he lies He lies about everything paying bills, helping his daughter. I ask him does he want a divorce he says no but he just continues to lie and he does ignore me alot too. The past two days he barely has said 2 words to me. I feel like he wants our marriage to be over he just doesn't want to say it aloud. I have asked him to stop lying but he doesn't. I feel like for every lie I find out about there are still some I don't know. Must of the lies I find out about are about money.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 28 January 2013 17:32 posted by Guest

    Dear Hurt, I have been going: Dear Hurt, I have been going thru this for 22 years. The last 3 years have been the worst. I have finally had enought and am leaving him. I am fortunate enough that I have family and friends that can help. He has isolated me from my friends. Wants me to come home directly after work. I work 2 jobs while he is newly unemployed and he wants me to clean the house, cook dinner (when I do cook he is never home to eat it so why make it when nobody eats it) and do the laundry. My house isn't spick and span clean but it's presentably. I have finally learned that you can't make someone respect you, once they loose respect for you it is forever gone. He was a great husband until 3 yrs ago. I have never cheated on this man! I had worked 6 days straight and on Sunday (my day off) he wanted me to dissasseble a piece of furniture, I put the item in one of our sheds and left it. Well you would have thought I did something terrible by the way he was talking to me, then ended it with I am worthless and pack up and get out. It is hard and heartbreaking but I have to leave for my sanity. My kids are grown and in college so I don't have to worry about custody. He kicked me out of my home and was "kind" enough to let me take my clothes and bathroom supples. I know you have friends or family that are divorced, lean on them and talk to them, they will help. Oh and my husband never appologized for calling me those names and I kept forgiving him. I asked myselft do I want to live like this another 20 years? Hell no!

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 26 January 2013 18:22 posted by Guest

    Paul: You asked for it comes. Get yourself and your kids in Church. Commit your life to Christ. It is AMAZING what you can put up with when you focus on The Lord and your kids. You are a great dad"thought of not seeing my 2 Lil girls every morning and night". If she walks, let her go. You will have such a firm moral reputation, the kids will want to stay with you. On the other hand, your wife may totally fall in love with you all over. I wish someone had told me all of this many many years ago! At age 52, my life has never fully recovered from taking my kids and leaving my husband a long time ago. My prayers are with you.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 15 January 2013 22:33 posted by Guest

    What do I do: Ok it's late & I'm on my phone, here's situation - I've know my wife ( married 3 yrs) since high school- we've dated off & on 14 yrs-over a week ago it finally came out- said she hasn't felt same about me for over a year. she's been acting different absolutely no attention ,affection nothing I've showered here with affection, ignored her been mean nothin works- ask if she wants a divorce but says no she can't afford it& we have 2 kids 7 & 2. She is very focused on how she looks lately working out every night takin a lot of diet pills , changing way does hair- dresses diff.(she is 31) always on Facebook won't do marriage counseling I've tried it all acts like the kids are just a nuisance , but she is or was a wonderful woman, her background is squeaky clean while mine on the other hand holds 1 felony & cpl misdemeanors but I've changed so much I want it to work so badly by she won't even talk to me about it. I know IDE b happier without her (at this moment anyway) but just though of not seeing my 2 Lil girls every night & morning has myomere scrambled. Please any advice would help me so much

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 09 January 2013 13:03 posted by Guest

    Dont know what to do!!: If known my husband since I was 16yrs old, we been together for 12 years, we have two kids and for the past year we been fighting constastly to the point that I dont want this anymore, our problems are not infidelity (thank God) but i just feel that he does not do anything for me and or the kids, that i will miss, I dont know if Im just use to him or that's love. Our sexual life is also very bad, i dont like to have sex, im not sure if I have a problem or is just simply that I dont love him. Futhermore, I decided to have separate bank accounts and am at the point that I dont care what he does and I dont wanna know. Im not sure if Im at the point to divorce and leave this relationship or just keeping trying.

    Any advice will help!

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 08 January 2013 14:18 posted by Guest

    What are my rights?: Google your state laws, get a lawyer an get her ass fast for forgery!! An yes I'm a woman! She is SELFISH, an GREEDY!!! An there are free legal services to help you out if your on a fixed income. Get on your cell, computer or whatever, google the laws in your state, an google your question an get legal advice an take her to court! ( P.S, depending on laws there, you can have her pay the court fees from taking her to court!) I'm sure forgery is Illegal, wifee or not!!!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 12 December 2012 14:48 posted by Guest

    hurt...: dear hurt, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I know this kind of man. he is very insecure, so he has to put you down to make him feel good about himself. you say you are going to school. stay in school and don't quit. also the last thing you need is a baby in your life. he may try to get you pregnant so he can keep you trapped. do not fall for this. the best thing for you is to get some help. talk to someone maybe your mom. if you do leave him I suggest also getting a restraining order on him as well. he sound like the type that he may try to come after you. always be aware of your surrounding. good luck.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 12 December 2012 10:25 posted by Guest

    I am done: Have you thought about moving to where he found the job?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 09 December 2012 14:28 posted by Guest

    ive never really grieved over: ive never really grieved over my divorce so heres my stoy.., i had gotten out of a 3 1/2 year relationship, went on a six month trip., came back went to a dance the next day met my sisters boyfriends cousin, didnt like him but still i just danced. The next day i recieve a text, it was him, i was surprised but not interested. After a wek he came, made me his girlfriend i thought id give it a try. We had a somewhat rocky relationship but he grew in me i loved him. He would come see me 2 hours away almost every week, id miss him when hed leave. After 8 months we got married he was 22 i was 19 i thought everything qould be perfect , i would have my little family and make it work. I wasnt the best at maintaing a super spotless house but a meal was on the table everytime he got home from work. We were all laughs untill the konth
    of may i said a bad comment (that he was irresponsible because he fmwasnt going to take me to my kothers hometown 2.5 hrs away for n mh
    appointment) my mistake that kept us from talking for about a week i ried to but he would push me away. Then on may 18 2012 we were in bed, he gets wa call got up left and came back after a second, i thought it was awfully wierd. I tried talking to him aking who it was he said NO ONE. Long story short it was a girl hednknown two years. I went back home becausenhe told me nothing
    would work between us any more. Ive been here since may 19th and since todays date he only came twice i iled for divore and its going through i tried serving him and he ignored me saying his car was down all type of exuses. So now i hear he has a gf thats older an him and has a seven yr old hmm and now he drinks conszantly when before he never did. And he does little things that e me wonder, he told her to dye her hair blone...he met me with blonde hair, he told her he was craving flan so she made him and he never said it wwas good or thank you when he would compliment me endeslly haah and he says a word I got stuck to him haah we never officially ended it was more of a distant ending . Im stillnhurting but i have faith God has someone oot there for me.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 December 2012 16:20 posted by Guest

    is it time to go?: my husband and I have only been married since August but have been together for 2 years and have a 1 and half year old son. we fight constantly and recently its getting physical. my arms fractured. he tells me he never wanted to marry he wasn't ready and I pushed him into it. he also says he can't and won't change he's bi polar and we have no insurance for meds or anything. he makes more than me so he knows I can't live on my own and afford anything beings im LuckY to make 400 a month sometimes. I can't live at my parents because there's no room for us and I don't know how living in shelter will be. I am 19 and he's 23 so im very young. ive tried everything I can think of its like its not good enough. I have cleaned had supper done and wash done and its not enough. I try to be a good mom and wife but I feel I'm not living up to what he expects. he told me last night that when I work second and third which ive been doing a lot we get along better so we are better off not seeing each other too much. is that right? should I leave should we work it out I really am at the point where I don't know anymore. I do love him and know he loves me in some weird way and we both have never ever cheated over the 2 1/2 years. so I just really need some advice or insight cause im so lost right now. how can you love someone but not able to live with them? please help me.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 04 December 2012 11:08 posted by Guest

    Of course you are not being: Of course you are not being selfish. If you have spoken to him about thiS andhe has not taken the steps to make a change then you have to do what you have to do. You don't know, shit, he could have another family for all you know. How can you stay in a relationship and keep it good when you don't even know each other or your daily routines. He can't just be a visiting parent. You're married and he helped make those kids and now you're pretty much a angle parent. I know we say thRough tHck and thin, sickness and health and crap but goddamn. It takes two to make children. Don't hold out on him realizing his mistake yada yada. You need to make a better life for you and your kids. Make a move.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 03 December 2012 05:57 posted by Guest

    Dear Desperate friends: I'm typing on my phone at 4 in the morning so o apologize if there are errors. I heard something great recently. WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE FEEL WE DESERVE. I was married the first time at the age of 19 to a guy I was with since I was 15. Had a daughter an separated at 24 because I not only felt rejected but that o missed out on my youth. My only regret was that my daughter suffered but o suppose they all do. I met a man soon afyer and thought o was truly on love he was everything I thought I ever wanted, handsome, suave, great dancer, and best singing voice o ever heard. Anyway, I looked past everything else (drugs, lack of intimacy, verbal abuse) because I thought if I loved him enough he'd change. I even saved his ass from being deported. He thanked me by leaving me for the lawyer I hired to get him home. Lol did I mention she was pregnant by another man lol. Wow so anyway I moved back born to Texas and finalized my marriage. A year later I ran into a man o worked with before o was ever married. We fell in love...and 2 years later we were married. O finally thought o got it right. Don't get me wtong he's a great guy except that tonight o snooped in his phone and found pictures in his saved email of another girl and him her on his lap taken 1 month afterh we had started dating. Now why would is A. Do that and B. Save it?? Do o confront him? I shouldn't have been in his phone but at the same time I feel like I don't know him anymore. Do i run?? The men I thought o knew before turned out not to be who I thought could o have messed up again? Help

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 02 December 2012 23:01 posted by Guest

    I am Done: My husband lost his job 6 years ago and got another one but in another state. We have three children and two have autism. He has not lived at home in six years. He comes home every 4-5 weeks for a weekend, he doesn't call. Everyone said he was doing what he needed to for his family.. but this is what his dad did also. The same thing and his mother stayed married to him because of religion. I am done. I have a good job and my kids are doing well, they are so mad at their dad for not being here. I am so alone and need to start my life over.. or am I being selfish????

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 01 December 2012 16:07 posted by Guest

    Wanr to save my marriage: I love ur post I wish my husband would think like that I'm shattered because I love him so much but ever since his dad died a yr ago he pulls me farther and farther away he runs to his moms and friends I know I have some to blame I try really hard not to argue with him but everything turns into an argument and he has all this resent me and honestly I don't know what I've done for him to have so much anger towards me I've loved him and tried to be there for him. I moved out of my house cuz I was tired of him telling me he doesn't want to be withme or that he's miserable in the marriage every time he gets mad. I hope he comes back to me

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 28 November 2012 05:05 posted by Guest

    bipolar M on disability retirement. 21 yr marriage near the end.: I'm unable to listen and communicate effectively with my wife. It comes down to my illness (frequent mood shifts) as well as anger issues surrounding this problem. She and I are no longer emotionally compatible both in and out of bed. We have a daughter with anxiety and depression issues who is applying for college now, a hs senior who no doubt picks up on the palpable angst between mom and dad. Its early DEC 2012 and shes applying for college for the fall of 2013.

    It's obvious to me that I'm not easy on the family, what with my shifts in mood and behavior. But is it better to go through with a separation sooner as opposed to later? I don't know whether to hang in there until my daughter is used to college, or would now be the time to perhaps pave the way for a healthier life for all of us.

    Note, we have been helped by our families when needed, but live somewhat modestly on money I get through SSDI and my government retirement. She has not worked since 1994. I could go into lots of detail but here's the story. I go to a psychiatrist and therapist to try to maintain my health.....our daughter does the same. Wife is a compulsive hoarder and control freak who refuses to go for any "help" herself.

    I'm experiencing more mania/depression swings, and my daughter is on tenuous emotional ground. IS THERE EVER A TIME TO MAKE THIS MOVE TO SEPARATE? Would it be best to do it NOW before daughter approaches her college years, or hang on ? I'm 49 years old, wife is 50....probs, anger, passive-aggressive behavior on both sides, little spontaneous marital intimacy (no intercourse per se' for over 1 1/2 years with no prospects of it ever returning).

    Call me stupid, but I think that the sooner, the better to end this. Please give me your opinion.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 27 November 2012 03:18 posted by Guest

    she cheated: she cheated on me ..... been married 11 years........ then she told me our marriage was over... im disabled on diaylsis... shes a nurse .... i recently found out she forged my signature about two months ago on a pension plan that waives all my rights to anything... i have all the documents of the forged signature and she also had this document notarized..... i just dont know what to do.....i get $700.00 a month.... she makes $5000.00 a month..... can i get spousal support, part of her pension.....i live in pennsylvania... what are my rights.....

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 24 November 2012 09:23 posted by Guest

    Second chance: I have been married for 13 years, my wife had an affair 5 years and and left me and our two boys, she lived with this guy for 5 years and I entered into a relationship with another woman who has been living with me for 4 years. I filed for divorce and she did not sign them. she lives hours away so we never got together to finalize the divorce, around July of 2012 we finally got together and went down to file for divorce together, she cried and said that this is wrong that we should not get divorced. I still went through with it and had it filed. We had 90 days to change our minds which would of been Oct 5, 2012. She would call me over the summer and remind me that I only have so many days left to change my mind. She reminded me frequently. I thought about it for a while and decided to give it a second shot, my girlfriend and I was on the verge of ending it so the timing was I guess right. Well I called my wife and said I would give it a try as long as this other guy was completely out of the picuture, she agreed and moved back in on Oct 20, 2012. My kids were happy and things were going great, I forgave her for what she done to me and was trying to move forward. I find out by checking her email that this other guy is emailing her telling her he misses her ect, She doesn't tell me this and when I confront her she tells me it was nothing and she didn't repond back. I let it go and then a few days later another one comes in and again no notification, she tells me she figured I saw it since I have access to her acccount. At this point Im upset, and ask her to call him from my phone tell him to stop emailing her. She refused to do this and says i have nothing to worry about, I asked her if she told him and she said I just left. Well, now Im getting alittle angry because she did not tell him she was leaving to come back to her family. She tells me that she deleted the account and that he will not try to contact her since she got no email address and a new phone number. I feel this is not good enought, I gave her the choice to either call him and tell him or she needs to leave. It seems like she is still attached to him and want to see if this is going to work or not, and if it doesn't she has him to fall back on. I am not living like that. So I tell her make a choice and she says no, because then I will find another reason to bring up the past. I tell her that this is what I need to get past the affailr, I need to know that you told him that you are coming back to your family. Again she says to let it go because she is here with us. So she leaves to go to see her mom with our kids and I tell her to not come back and that I will meet her halfway to get my kids, my kids have lived with me the whole time. But she cries and says she doesnt' want to leave, doesn't want to divorce, but won't make a simple call. Thats odd to me because if thats what she needed to get past all this if I was the cheating spouse I would do it in a heartbeat. Now I haven't heard from her for two days, do I get the divorce finalized? I am just not going to do this a second time with her and this other guy. What do you think?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 22 November 2012 03:44 posted by Guest

    let her know how miserable: let her know how miserable you are without her. she is trying to see if you have any feelings for her. yeah, its messed up and she shouldn't act this way but that is what people do when they are hurting. don't give up on your marriage. get marriage counseling (for you not for her *wink wink*) tell her to tell the kids you said hi and you miss them. let her make the choice to let you see them and she will, if she has a shred of decency. ((hugs))

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 18 November 2012 16:11 posted by Guest

    i got a divorce and now reget: i got a divorce and now reget it. my ex husband and i were together snice 2007 we fot married feb 2010, divorced last month, we have been apart snice aug 5. We have 2 year old together, i have been trying my best to win him back, he came over for the weekend we talked and were one big happy family agian. than he decides to leave, i text him later on in day and he said that just wanted to be friends for now that he needed time to think. i dont know how to take all this is, i had a melt down when he told me this. i want to be with him and i thought he wanted to be with me. im just not sure what to do anymore how to get him back. how to be the happy family we were before the divorce. we didnt divorce because of abuse or cheating nothing like that, he is a vol fire fighter, and between him work and the fire dept, i never saw him. he sort of drove me away from him becuase he never wanted to spend time with me or his son. but at the moment i dont care if i barely see him i just know being with him made me the happiest person alive.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 12 November 2012 01:44 posted by Guest

    I dont know what to do or expect: Ok so on Oct 2nd this year my wife was arrested for driving on a suspended licesnse and had a male co-worker with her. She was supposed to get dinner for our 3 kids but absolutely had to do it before 2 of them were off the bus for school. Well she thinks that the guy was not at fault and has no heart burn about it even though he was not wearing his seatbelt and yes I can understand her not driving would have prevented it. She worked all the time and was never home and I practically had raised our kids on my own. I was unemployed and could not work due to her schedule because she was an assistant mngr where she worked. I tried to maintain a job because I have a child outside the marraige that I pay support on and really did not like being home all the time while knowing back child support was stacking up. Then on the 6th of Oct she went out with her friends after work to get drunk at a baby shower. While she was gone I got really drunk and was mad that she went out and left me home like she always did and she was supposed to be off that day and went into work anyway. Well things went sour, we argued and she kicked me out. She called me the next day and said that she cared about me and loved me but she was mad at me. Then the day after that she called me to tell me that she did not want to be together and that she was through with me. I have not seen her since the 6th of october but she has told me that she wanted a divorce a week later from that day and that she had slept with someone else before telling me that and that her parents told her that if she got back together with me that she would not be welcomed by them and she emphasized on the fact that she is having soooo much fun without me around. She also said that she wanted to work out child support and that was that. Well as of late she has been very agressive and short on the phone with me and does not want me to see my kids. I am confused as to why this is happening and it has happened so fast. I am just wondering why she is being so agressive like I did something wrong to make her this way, I would understand if I had cheated or left her behind high and dry but that is not the case. She kicked me out left me and does not want me back but does not want to be civil about anything either. Just curious as to what I should take from her being so angry at me like I did something wrong. I am giving her everything that she wants and she still is angry for no real reason. Any advice on how to handle this would help me greatly.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 11 November 2012 09:26 posted by Guest

    Divorce: My husband has filed for divorce. I was married for five years. It started out wrong. My husband asked to marry me after 3 months of dating. I told him we would have to wait for a year. He agreed. After 2 months of asking I told him I thought we should wait due to him freshly being out of another relationship which made me feel like I was a rebound. He assured me it wasn't and I was love at first sight. I believed him because we connected on every aspect. I have anxiety and he understood everything and was supportive. Well he did not want to wait. He wanted to get married as planned. He waited two weeks before the wedding and decided he did not want to make that commitment. I cried and he told me he wasn't sure. He did not know if he was still in love with his kids mom. Red flag. Well, I asked him what were we going to do about all the money I had spent and the others. He had no answer. Out of shame I asked him to let's get married and get it annulled. We read on it. Well after that I told him no we did not have to. I told him we could call it off. Well he came to me two days before wedding to tell me he wanted to continue with marriage. I told him we did not have to because I wanted him to be sure. He stated we are doing this. I felt so strange but he assured me he wanted too. Now we are in the process of getting divorced because first, a month after marriage he left and went back to ex because she put him on child support. He stayed for a total of 4 months and ended up at his mothers house. He stayed there until he was driven off. You see, his mother was against me from the beginning because I was older. She did not attend the wedding. She hates me. His relationship with his mother soured even more after we were married. She never accepted me because she thought I tricked him into marriage and other reasons. They've always had a bad relationship. Well he came back to me after she put him out. I accepted him back because I loved him. Well, he has a home he was renting out. I helped him fix up the house and we moved in together. He stayed in this house with his ex for five years. I was not comfortable moving in but I wanted my marriage. It was hell after first year. Arguing all the time because he cheated and he did not care for my daughter. She never lived with us because she was in college. There ins a lot more to story but not enough room to tell. After all the cursings and bruises and five years I decided to leave. I don't know if he blamed me for the marriage. He cheated twice and I did not trust him any longer. I stop engaging in a lot with him because I could not trust him anymore. We stopped talking for a month and one Saturday I got up and left because he told me I needed to find me a place. He thought I never would move but I did. I slept in motels until I finally got apartment. He is so angry at me for leaving and leaving him with a 2000 note left to pay on loan we had fixed up house with. Well he told me not to pay on it that he would pay for everything. I tried to help but he would not allow me. He is so angry with me. Now I have divorce papers to get notarized. He says he has to go to court but if it's not contested why would he need to go to court. I'm just afraid he is trying to sue me. I don't have attorney and I have 7 days left to turn in paper work. Any help?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 10 November 2012 18:47 posted by Guest

    I think in your situation: I think in your situation that must be horrible. I also make 0 money, I have 2 kids and im 22.... I am having issues by being bullied/ sarcastic comments by my husband. also he has no sex drive towards me. and im young beautiful and i feel like its me? am i ugly? does he not love me.. this is driving me to want to leave also. but its hard with no job and 2 kids. he pays all the bills. he threatens to not pay cable and stuff I am getting sooo sick of this. but i read a thing about if i should get divorced. they ask do u still have feelings for this person? do you love them? are you emotionally hurt? if so then do not divorce because it can bring more hardship when you realize its over and your mind is clear. I am just worried one day ill be 40 years old lying in my bed going on 3 months without sex in a loveless marriage when its to late. I was also common law married which is worse because i had no idea i was marrying my baby dad till 5 month after the fact. no ring. no honeymoon... I wanted to elope but knowlingly.. I dont wanna be the type of person who only makes love 1 a month and I find him jacking off or with another woman.. I know 4 a fact he is not cheating on me now... but with this direction its a huge possibility.. this sucks.. so just think about the reasons of divorce and since u do love him u should just do counseling.... Even when I use my viberator I still dont get sexually fullfilled it kinda makes me even more angry that at 22 I have to do this... he has never even made me orgasm before I guess I need sex to show me he loves me not for the pleasure reason... sad sad life of mine :( maybe u will feel better hearing someones story worse than yours.. or who knows maybe were in similar situations...

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 10 November 2012 13:05 posted by Guest

    Dear Hurt: I may not be the best person to reply because I don't have any advice. I posted on here this morning because I am in a similar situation as far as emotions go. My husband while he is a good man gets angry and has been known to rip headphones from my ears, follows me into rooms while yelling, blocks doorways so I can't leave without brushing past so he can accuse me of getting physical etc. I know I've been with him too long but I can't seem to leave sometimes because I love him, sometimes because I have nowhere to go. I just want you to know there are others out here that can understand the twisted emotions & hardships. We all probably know we have stayed too long but leaving is easier said than done. Be strong, keep yourself safe. You are deserving of love, happiness and joy. Lets make a pact to find that for ourselves. With or without him.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 08 November 2012 13:16 posted by Guest

    Since you are the husband...: Maybe, you can help me look things from a different perspective. I got married in April, I have a son from a previous marriage. Honestly, I thought I would never get married again or have any more kids. My husband and I had many fights even before we got married but he always apologized and I forgave him because I truly do love him. It was extremely hard for me to balance my job, my kid, graduate school and my new married life. I still don't think that he understands that as he has never had any kids. Well, I found out that I'm pregnant and he is very happy because he always wanted kids. Our relationship got better after we moved to another state since he is in the military. But he still has those moments where he seems like he doesn't care and says ANYTHING to hurt me or make me feel worthless (at least that's how I feel). I don't get on rollercasters, I can't swim, I don't watch scary movies...just anything to say he can't have fun or do anything with me because I "suck." I have always been a strong woman and I have read plenty of articles on how to put up with the verbal abuse.... and we have talked and it seems to be getting better. However, I believe he was treated as a baby all of his life, he was used to his Mommy doing everything for him and he doesn't make his marriage his priority, his wife which is me... and his family which should be my son and I. He had promised me I would go to his promotion and be the one to change his rank. Now he says that he wants his Mom to do half of it, I told him if he really wanted her to do the whole thing, I won't do it and she can do it all. He got upset, and I walked out of the restaurant we were eating at. After that, he got in the car told me he's never taking me anywhere and that he was going away for the weekend to see his family!! I am exhausted.... I used to cry all the time (he used to say I was weak), anytime he talked to me like that, he has said worse things to me and I used to not stay quiet, but I promised myself that I needed to not be like him. Especially now, expecting a baby... and since we moved I dont' have a job. My family lives close but I have never been the type of person to tell my family of my fights and problems in my marriage. So I don't know how to deal with this anymore. When he talks down to me, insults me.... I just feel "stronger" in a way but I'm being pushed away... he has always threatened me with this divorce and I tell him he can do it if he wants to... I've been a single mother before, I can do it again. I just wish he could see everything I have done, sacrificed and given to him out of love, not out of expecting something else in return. Before we moved he moved to my house and I was the one paying all the bills for months until we got married and he started giving me money. He even accused me of just wanting money but how could I have when I had a full time job that paid really well. I left my house, my job and everything in that other state, I'm wondering if it was worth it now....

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 08 November 2012 10:37 posted by Guest

    hurt...: Last night while I was cutting the potatoes for dinner he cane into the kitchen and yelled " don't cut them that way!". I calmly put the knife down and walked out of the kitchen, as I was leaving he threw the potato against the door (he often breaks and throws things during even minute arguments even though I've asked him to stop). I went into out back room and he came in and started yelling at me again for the potato, I didn't respond to him and he slammed the door and called me a bitch. Knowing that I was using the computer he unplugged the internet. Knowing that his behavior wwould persist I left that room and went to the bedroom where I turned on the tv. During that time he started texting me. He called me names and degraded me about having a 3.0 grade point average and criticized me about not making any money. He also made degrading comments about my dead father. He then unplugged our cable cord to that television. He said thing that I will never forgive him for. He is slowly becoming more violent and losing what little respect he ever had for me. He told me to get out several times knowing thAt I have no place to go. I'm feeling less able to trust him and feel more isolated than ever. He didn't apologize I still love him but don't know how I can get though this.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 07 November 2012 09:02 posted by Guest

    hi young n dumb: I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It's very hard for you, but I am wondering if your husband feels like you don't have the time for him like you once had? Remember you had a young to get used to your baby n then he came. He can't start off where you left off. My husband and I have a wee girl and I know that even if we love her w all our hearts our lives have changed since her birth. She keeps is very busy,she doesn't sleep well @ night ect. What would happen if you made a lovely dinner 4 you your husband, candles wine his fav food ect. Took your girls to a sitter n focused on each other? Sex, talking, etc. You don't wanna lose your marriage. Your girls need a daddy. Please!! They need family!I care a lot!!!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 05 November 2012 12:11 posted by Guest

    Young and dumb..: I got married in March, earlier this year. I am ALREADY considering divorce as a last ditch effort to have my life and freedom back. My husband and I met quite young, he was 14, I was 16. (We are now 20 & 22) We have always been on and off, but still had quite a connection. He would get so hurt we weren't together that he would 'look for love in all the wrong places', such as sleeping with numerous other women. I did not react that way, instead I tried to find myself and what I was really looking for and something seemed to always bring us back together. My husband decided to be a Marine and we didn't live together for an entire year. When he came home for a short break, we got married. We felt so close, even with the distance. He made promises to me that made me feel like our life together would be so...easy! I thought it couldn't get any better. We have 2 small girls together..he left for boot a week after our second daughter was born. He was gone until she was almost 1, then he got stationed, and I followed behind shortly after. We have been living together (and had also lived together before this) since August...I can not seem to figure out why all other things in his life take front seat to us. He never takes care of our daughters, leaves them alone when he is supposed to be watching them while I simply shower, I am the cleaner, the laundry do-er, the caregiver for our children, granted..I get to stay home with them daily. I am extremely thankful. My mother didn't have that luxury with us. I always let him know I think he's doing great with his job and everything else..but, I can't help but ask and try to discuss why he doesn't take care of the girls, why he's always just gaming, gets huffy puffy when I ask if I can get myself or our daughters some things, leaving his mess everywhere for me to clean up, why he can't seem to wake himself up in the I have to get up (after having been up all night with our 1 year old who can't seem to get this sleep thing down) and make sure he's getting up for work, or he will be late and get reprimanded. I know it sounds like I'm making myself the victim here, but I'm not sure how else to explain this situation to someone else without using myself and our daughters as the examples here. I love my husband..but we aren't intimate anymore. We hardly hug or kiss. I am just...not into it. He gets so upset when I say I don't want to have sex. But he seems to pick the worst time. He assumes I can just leave the room where our daughters are playing to hook up with him and then just take care of them later. I feel so lost, here. I want to see it from his point of view..but it's hard when I see how he treats our daughters. He's always yelling NO, this! And NO, that! I can't stand it. He doesn't act with understanding or love and trust. He just gets mad and immediately disciplines. We currently only have one vehicle and I wanted to get a job on his off-time to help out and be able to purchase myself and our daughters a few odds and ends around the house..he got so upset. He was stomping around and said that was dumb that I'd want to work. He said, "Ha! Well, you better have your own money for gas and a way there! You can't take the car!" I just..stared at him. How could you talk to me like I'm cheating or committing a crime..? I was simply trying to get out of the house for a bit, as I currently NEVER leave. The girls and I are stuck here without a vehicle, daily. I felt betrayed. Why would you talk to your spouse like that? How could you make them feel so worthless with just a few words? I wanted to scream! But, instead I apologized and said I didn't realize he felt so strongly about me not working. I keep hoping he will change..that something I say will spark a fire in him and make him realize what he's got. What he could lose. And what he's failing to spend every waking moment fighting for.

    I think I have typed enough for someone to write a short story, but I am just looking for some advice here. I am at such a loss. I have no car. No job. No family. (Never did, anyway.) Just a mom and a brother. People look at me like I'm in the wrong...but no one could understand my situation unless they were in it.

    Maybe someone similar to me will realize they aren't alone.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 02 November 2012 18:33 posted by Guest

    If you really want to save your marriage, you can: Hey buddy.
    I'm 31/m and kinda relate with your situation or so i feel. However i've also managed to overcome it and living a happy and fun life with my wife. There were other issues going on in my case but this was one which i could co relate to all the others... You know how i did it ?
    Change the way you think about her and stop making yourself the victim. I like my space so don't get me wrong as that is one thing i can never give up.. However i also needed to realize that marriage is not suppose to be easy.. and like my man ET said.. If you want to succeed as hard as you want to breathe, then my friend you will be successful and that applies to any life situation.
    If you have made up your mind that you don't want to be in marriage then you don't need to read any further as whatever i say will not convince you so might as well save some time.
    But if you really want to give it a shot and ready to take a dive and some challenge then I'll tell you this.. There is no way you won't fall in love with your life and wife all over again.

    Aite.. I don't know how i stumbled on this page today and how your post caught my eye but it's all what god wants and neither i'm a preacher so i'm not preaching but just mentioning my belief in him/her.
    So the best way or only way to save your marriage is " You need to see the love behind whatever your wife does and sometimes when you can't find any..then give her the benefit of doubt instead of giving it to someone else. I had my trust issues and felt like my wife was trying to control me but it was me who was looking at her that way where as all she is asking for is more attention from me and sense of protection from any outsider be it your parents or relatives..
    THink what you are doing different then 4 years ago which she might have noticed too. She could have some kinda depression which again is upto a doctor to figure out..but you can play your part and be ready to say sorry as that won't make you a smaller person..
    True love is hard to find and when you find it, you will be a fool to let it go coz of fights which you will laugh at if you can manage to get past this barrier and stick through it for ever..

    You might be thinking who is this guy and why does he care but I just happened to be here by chance so i thought i'll put my 2 cents and if it helps you..I'll get your blessings and if it doesn't help..maybe it was never meant to be.


  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 31 October 2012 17:23 posted by Guest

    I love my husband but something is bothering me: I got married last year April 2011. I am from different country which is in africa, my parents lives in London. Since i moved to USA with my husband, i understand i miss my parents as i don't have any family here for me. Just my husband's family. I tried to be nice to them, they are too but not that close which i thought it would be. My husband is 33 years old My husband has a good job and his boss loves his personality. I am proud of him.

    I love my mother in law so much, and tries my best to be nice to her all the time. As i told you, my mother is not here in united states, she is a nurse and lives in london UK. So I miss her sometimes and when i miss her, i sometimes go visit my mother in law or text her or call her. My mother in law hates cuddling as she is herself a divorce person which i understand completely. She lives alone in her house. I know i am grown up, i am 25 years old. I want a baby from my husband but we can't have it right now till he is ready. I was a nanny, i stopped and i am searching for a new job, because I can't always ask my husband money to buy me stuff it makes me feel i am a bad person to ask for money. When i had a job, I always give my half of my paycheck money to him so he can pay bills. I felt relax about it. I left the nanny job because the nanny mom don't need me anymore.

    Whenever i go to walmart or any stores, I want to buy something to eat like donuts etc.. one day i asked my husband he said no as he thinks it's too expensive. Whenever i go with him sometimes I would like to buy some chips then i always get a NO answer. and now I don't ask him anymore to buy me stuff at the groceries stores. I can't ask him to buy me 1 dollar burger. so obviously it's a waste of time to tell him that. But i still love him of course. The thing which annoys me, it's my life in usa and his life in usa.

    He acts different with me like a parent not like a husband or friend. He talks like a big daddy who has lots lots of experience. I want love which he gives me yes but not really much. Before we were married, he used to give me lots of love and also i am very young and i need sex too, but he says he is always tired which depressed me too. I keep my calm but I want to continue my marriage life. What i need to do?? I feel like am abandoned and feel lonely.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 30 October 2012 01:34 posted by Guest

    $$$: Stay as a roommate and work hard to prove to yourself and him that you are capable of controlling your spending. Find a way to not buy things, imagine it once you have it - tell yourself how nice it loos on the shelf. You can do it! Overtime he will fall in love with the honest you.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 28 October 2012 10:29 posted by Guest

    I know exactly what your: I know exactly what your saying. My husband was just like that! It is an emotional roller coaster and you can never do anything right! I found out that he was a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder. In a way they are mentally ill and you can not help them. They use you to fill their super ego, which is their narcisist supply. Look into it, read books about it from a local library, and join a support group online. knowledge is power. Even if she ends up not being a narcissist atleast you can rule it out. But they are impossible to live with or have a close relationship with. I am a narcissist survivor with two children and let me tell you I have never been treated so bad in all my life. I left 5 months ago and have peace again.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 27 October 2012 20:22 posted by Guest

    Your help: She obviously still loves you or she would be willing to sign the divorce papers. As far as leaving a lot and locking her phone, it might just be she feels she needs time to her self. Space as you would call it. She seems like she has more "growing up" to do. Or she possibly has a secret she's too scared to talk about cause it could hurt you. Try talking to her and helping her open up to you. Try to get her to compromise with you and sit her down and really open up about your feelings and have her really explain what's going on in her head. If she doesn't want to or feels it's stupid she might just be cheating or feels like she needs more excitement in her life. Also about the not wanting to sign the divorce papers.....could she be getting any benefits out of being married to you? If so that might be why.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 October 2012 10:26 posted by Guest

    What should I do?: Me & my wife have been married 5years but recently (a week before are anniversary) we discussed getting a divorce. As we talked I was over whelmmed with emotions I worked hard for a long time to suppress. I don't want to divorce my wife because of these feelings, I love her. We have had a rocky relationship & are both to blame. She recently reiceved her 9months clean key tag & has a whole new mind set perhapongr need for independence. In light of this I feel has "out grown me" I'm not a drug user so it is was to come to terms with this. Now she says she's not ready sign divorce but we have lost all intimacy, we only take care of the kids, she's started locking her phone, & has become reluctant to say where she's going or doing as well as staying out later & later. I guess the obvious is right in my face but why does she not want a divorce?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 19 October 2012 10:01 posted by Guest

    From What to do: We have had talks like this in the past. We both tell eachother what is bothering us and it seems like nothing ever changes. I will admit I am guilty of this also. We have both tried but it seems to go back the way it was. There are things I do not do that she asks. The things she complains about are things I have never been in our relationship. However to me here is the difference between us, and I know it maybe wrong to say, She has completly change into a different person. I have been pretty much the same person (have changed a little who does inthe course if 9 years) since we have dated. She is a complete germaphobe to where she is angry at people when they cough. She will not walk down a ile if someone sneezes because she is afraid. There are been times that her parents get sick of listening to the outrageous things she says. They even have told me "how can you put up with that". I have told her that this relationship would not work if she gets mad when I do something with the baby that she does it a different way. I have no problem being told if its unsafe or dangerous but not yelled at for doing something a different way.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 19 October 2012 02:23 posted by Guest

    I have treated my husband: I have treated my husband that way for the last 6 months.. iv just started to notice it, so maby u should tell her directly how you feel, I wish my husband had.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 17 October 2012 13:03 posted by Guest

    What to do: I' ll try to kept it short. Been married just over 2 years together 9. We have always had a rocky relationship. THis time last year I was thinking about a divorce but stayed. However my same feelings are coming up again but stronger. She is due with our child anytime now I am am close to ending it. I was hoping that having a child would make our relationsip better. We have not talked in days. The fights are not hormonal issues. They are in someway shape or form the same issues. I am to the point that I'll deal with child support and miss seeing my child to get out of it, as much as it would hurt me. She has control issues. Everything has to be done her way, if not she gets angry, even if there was no issues. Things have to be done when she wants it done becuase it "bothers" her. She has constantly put down my parents (because her parents have spent more money on the child then mine). It has gotten to the point I don't like to talk about them to her at all, and I am even staring to feel uncomfortable around them, as well as my other family. She makes no effort to talk with my family, and at few events I go to I have to stay by her side. She constantly accuses me of cheating on her which I have not done or gave any suspesion to make her think that way. She has told me that other men find her attractive, almost insinuating after he loses the baby weight she will, She has cheated on a previous bf. I feel that whatever I do is never enough. Also I am always put in a lose lose situation, what ever option I choose "A" or "B" I get yelled at. She has abandonment issue I believe, she would never leave her dads side, now I need to be next to her all the time, she does not like it even if I play a game on the computer. If I play she gets mad. She also brings up things in the past I have done, however if I do the same it doesn't count and I fight dirty. I am starting to think she has some type of mental issues. I am to the point where I think it would be best or the child that we are not together. ALSO I do not think consouleing will work she is a therapist (social worker master degree) so she knows how to talk to a therapist. Along with how they work. Does any one have any adivse? Also I know I am not perfect in this relationship, but she is not the same person 4 years ago.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 13 October 2012 12:30 posted by Guest

    feeling like a mom instead of a wife: i know how u feel. I have a two year old with my boyfriend and we have been together for 8 years. I work and he stays at home refusing to get a job. I cant pay all the bills myself and have a herniated disk that makes my very physical job painful. Sometimes when i get home i cant even walk and still I have to do everything, dishes laundry, dinner, taking care of the baby. while he sits and plays video games. He stays up all night playing them. I had a very special day planned for the family today, my daughters first trip to the pumpkin patch. and he stayed up all night and now wont get out of bed even though we all are waiting to go. I feel like he will never change, he is so selfish and doesnt care about anyone or anything. He wont help me out with anything either. he has also cheated on me twice. I just keep trying to hold us together thinking i owe it to mydaughter. BUt now I am thinking he is only going to end up hurting her like he does me everyday with his selfishness. He tells me to work more so he can stay home and I physically cannot do it. I need surgery. I too feel like I am his mother and he is an awful teenager who only cares about himseld. My opinion things are not going to change and we need to get the hell out to ever be happy!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 12 October 2012 12:07 posted by Guest

    Battling constantly: My husband and I have been living together for 7 years and married for 4 of those. We have two children, a six year old daughter and a four month old son. Since our son was born, we agreed that the best thing for our family was for me to not go back to work(I would only make $30 a week after paying for child care) and stay home with our children and homeschool our daughter. Here we are four months later and my husband refuses to find a better job to provide for his family. He works at walmart and that doesn't pay the bills. I don't want a new car, a million dollar mansion, or even a cell phone. I just want the bills paid and to not have to worry if we have enough money to take our kids on a day trip once or twice a year. Last night my cousin's husband said he could get my husband a great job with the state as a mechanic. My husband was a mechanic in the military, went to NTI, is ASE certified, and has worked in the TLE for three and half years now. He's a mechanic, that's what he does. Now that we need him to have a job with great benefits and pay, he refuses to get a job as a mechanic. He says he wants to go back to school again. He started college five years ago. He has his degree from NTI, an associates degree, and went to a university for two semesters. He says now he wants to be a mechanical engineer. He is out of VA pay now, so we can't afford to send him back to school and not work. When I bring up him getting a fulltime job, he throws it in my face that I am not working. That was our agreement four months ago. I do not have any skills to make a decent living. I feel like giving up and asking him to leave.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 11 October 2012 19:54 posted by Guest

    Considering divorce: I married my current husband five years ago. We have been together for eight years now. This is the second marriage for both of us, and we both now have adult children however my son lived with us until he went away to college. We enjoy each other and often take short getaways. We get along good but when we argue usually over something small and he blows things way out of proportion and we don't talk for weeks and he avoids being around. I hope I'm not being ignorant when this happens but I don't think he's cheating. The thing is just this past weekend after a wedding and drinking things became physical. We were both at fault, however, I believe there is NO reason a man should try to hurt his wife. What happened was done by him to me in front of several of his family members and his ex wife's family. I am so hurt that he did this to me and showed no respect for me to everyone, I am thinking about divorce. This is not only because I'm hurt but I'm a believer if he does it once he will do it again. This is why my first husband and I divorced he abused me physically, emotionally, and mentally. His kids and I are not close, things have always been his family and mine. I always told him I wasn't comfortable with that but he never showed any concern about this. I love him so much but I can't allow the person I love to hurt me this way. I hoped that my faith would help us and our marriage but I don't know if I can hold on because he crossed that line. I know I am a strong woman and I will be able to start again on my own. I know it will be very difficult with many many tears. Also, I know I/we cannot continue this way. We did have counseling a few years back...he continues to blame our problems on me and brings up every mistake ive made or argument we've had. It seems as if I have to beg for his attention .....after listening to myself, I don't know why I want to stay in this marriage. I guess because when we are good we are great but when bad it's really bad. I don't know what to do again because of him becoming physical in front of so many people disrespecting me....both bother me so much. Thank you for your input.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 October 2012 09:41 posted by Guest

    I'm broken, torn, and exhausted ....: My husband and I have been together 10 years, married for 9 this month. Shortly after we first got together we were involved in an accident which left him deemed disabled. (Back problems) I have child from previous marriage which he adopted and he has 2 children from his previous marriage. His oldest has been self sufficient and always stayed close to the bio mom. His youngest has lived with us from ages 13 to 19 and then gone for a year then lived with us another year at age 21 because bio mom couldn't handle situations child was in. During all these 10 years I have worked and provided for all never complaining or second guessing what I needed to do in order for everyone to be taken care of. In the past 2 1/2 years we have had many "talks" about why I feel this marriage could be happier which always end with hubby talking about only himself and his childhood. He can't seem to live in the real world and think rationally. He is not good with finances, and that's putting it nicely. Hid kids have children of their own now and he keeps telling me how he wants nothing to do with any of them. However when the exwife calls and disrespectfully demands "put your husband on the phone " he talks so nice and is very 2 faced. He feels the need to not talk to me about the new grandchild and complications because they don't want me to know anything. I believe they know they are causing trouble ...on top of the troubles we have. He sleeps all day, takes NO responsibilities fir anything, doesn't help around the house until I fiat out tell him I have to have help (and that lasts for a day, two tops). I have asked to get help (counseling) which I was told if "forbidden " by him, ive begged him to be seen for depression and medical reasons which end with me getting yelled at and cussed. There's never any changes. 2 1/2 years of talking and I'm still the only one taking care of everything. Even if I try to make him help such as leave bills with money and all he has to do is pay them... it doesn't happen. I'm at my witts end. I feel like I have another lazy child to raise that isn't mine! He threatens to leave every now and then... and I never try to stop him! I cant keep doing this and he cant see that it's killing me slowly because change never comes. Ive talked to a lawyer and was told I cant make him leave, since both names are on the house and if I leave I still have to pay the house note. I feel so stuck. I don't know what to do from here. Any suggestions?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 05 October 2012 20:14 posted by Guest

    Religiously different, so lost and confused: My husband and I are both devout Christians. But of different practices. I am LDS and have been my whole life, my husband non denominal Christian. We've been married for 2.5 years together for 5.5. Our story didn't start out full of joy and happiness. We knew we were attracted to each other, lived in seperatly cities. After dating for a month for a Long story short. I was raped got pregnant, wasn't sure if the baby was my husbands or my perpetrators, I honestly didn't want to know. Either way decided to keep the baby because I don't believe in abortion, and no matter what I was still this child's mother. After she was born all seemed to be right in the world. Until my husband showed me a paternity test that him and his mother had performed behind my back. I was devestated to find out that what we thought was OUR daughter, wasn't his. All I and wanted to do, was run. And I probably should've. A few days later he said that he would still stay and raise my child as his daughter. Over the next two years we argued more and more about religion, intimacy, and flat out affection. As I was packing my bags to leave, he made a confession. That he hadn't been 100% faithful since we started dating. Once again devestation. That's when I also told him about being raped. I never told him before because I was too ashamed. And I guess afraid to raise a child on my own. So from then on out we decided to start over and forget everything. Everything seemed fine for the next year or so, we got married, he adopted my daughter. And since our marriage everything is going downhill again. Neither of us are comfortable at each others church, we argue about it all the time. Affection has slowly dissapated to where its almost nonexistent. We are intimate maybe only once a week. I love my husband deeply, and he says he loves me too. But where is the affection? where's the love? am i being too petty? I feel empty inside, and have out everything I have into trying to work out this marriage. I am destrot, exhausted and feel like I should just call it quits. So I can be free in my religious beliefs and be able to start over, ready to let to of all the emotional baggage that came with this relationship. Is divorce where I should go? Or is there hope for us?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 04 October 2012 11:54 posted by Guest

    One God: No matter what religion it is sanctioned under ie... Allah Christ ect.. there is one god and I believe that he means it to be the same for all..worship other gods is stated in ALL religions.. the way is the way no matter what you name you put God/Christ/Allah right, do not choose to go against what you know to be Gods will no matter the name you have been taught for him. Long suffering is not easy nor does it pay off in this life but it pays off for the ways of God that we cannot possibly understand.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 02 October 2012 01:53 posted by Guest

    So, I was reading what you: So, I was reading what you post and I just have to say about what you post is try therapy together, it worth a try believe me I just went though a messy divorce believe me if I could do it all over I would do it different

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 October 2012 22:14 posted by Guest

    Love Hurts : You don't deserve to be treated that way and you should not give her any more opportunities to let you down again. She obviously does not care for your feelings and does not value and respect the marriage. Sometimes, you have to move on even if it hurts. At the end of the tunnel you will find the light and you need to believe that you deserve better. She is very selfish in every way and you don't really have a relationship at this point anyways. I am going through a similar situation and my husband left too. He is also very selfish and doesn’t not care about my feelings. I am not going to lie, it hurts to move on but you have to look back and evaluate if this person meets your needs of love, belonging, self-esteem etc. If this person is selfish and is getting her needs met somewhere else while you are left feeling unloved and unworthy then you have to ask yourself what is in it for you in this relationship.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 01 October 2012 21:37 posted by Guest

    I know how hard it is to move on: I am truly so sorry for what you are going through, I am all to aware of your feelings right now, i am in personally same position i wish i had advice for you but no one has been able to set me up with lawyer either (low on funds) so he's forcing us to live in same home with for children. im at wits end on how to find a solution.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 30 September 2012 19:17 posted by Guest

    Help: Please anyone if you have any advice for me at all...I'll take it. But please if you can be kind I am about to come unglued completely. We have been married 6.5 years and together for 8. Looking back, we have fought since our wedding ended pretty much. It reached a situation of no return and we have been in marriage counseling since May of 2010 with the exception of when he quit coming to the appts. this spring. I continued off and on and now I am going regularly by myself. I feel I ahve done everything I can to save our marriage. We cannot have children but had planned to adopt. I feel we cannot add to this issue until we fix it and it remians fixed for some time first. he on the other hand reminds me I promised we'd be parents one day, but at the same time, my family warned him when he asked for my hand that I have disabling conditions and can only do so much in life as a result, including that I can't have kids. He didn't care. Then. Now I do not want the marriage anymore I really don't he is hateful, mean, miserable and thorws my limits in my face every moment of everyday. But I am stuck in finding the stength to get out. He makes more money and considers everything his. My whole family just doesn't care to be there for me and his is like his rock as a family should be. The counselor told me to find what makes me happy and stop worryng about him all the time. Put me first and stop mothering him. Then and only then can I find the strength to go. I have been doing that for a month and it was working. We work different shifts right now and see each other little during the week. He has so far refused a separation thus far too. Our counselor says that he put even more distance between us when he took a second shift position at work and I agree. And the Dr. also told me that separation after 2.5 years of marriage counseling is our last recourse because we are leading separate lives this way. Anyway we see each other Sundays when he is off-I work pretty much daily as a small busines owner- and for the last 5 weeks eerey Sunday comes down to knock down drag out argument about...nothing. Really nothing but it blows up and he cannot get ahold of his anger and he yells, screms horribel things at me, knocked me down turned some things at home upside down and then when this all happene today left went to stay at his parents while they are out of town. The thing is I texted him a couple times and called because I could not belive he would leave after sayign and doing this awful things ot me...and he texted me that HE needs time and he loves me. Now I have asked hin where he is and he won't tlel me. We always agreed whiel still married to tell the other where we are. He is staying there but said he was not (rigth now) there. Is he out cheating already WTH? He withdrew $500 from the bank thta i do know because I did business payments tonight and saw that he did. Now I know when we argued in the past he has gone around to bars, gets fairly drunk, while he talks by phone to his brothers and then oggles the female wait staff. I have had people tell me that and seen it myself. He flirts and thinks he is a gift to us women globally! Part of me wants to get off work shortly, drive to his parents and if he isn't there to drive to bars near their house (small town) and confrot him for making me hurt and leaving. I am really upset sitting here crying and upset and he doesn't even care to hve caused it.I am sad beaten down broken and angry! Wherein my sister is telling me don't contact him anymore, ignore him if he contacts me for the time being, and to do the same thing to be busy go out and not let him know where I am. Isn't that games? I don't play games. I work alot, care for our pets and family hme and just am an honest good person and wife. He knows I will be in the house like the counselor said he knows you are always there caring for everyone but yourself. UGH I know, I sound like a complete dumb*ss! I know but I have seen nothing but first hand loss, disability, and illness all of my life and nothing but divorce in my entire family and I wanted to make my marriage different: make it last. Is there anywhere to go from her then to start moving my plan to file along faster/ i dont' wnat to drag this out but despite him acting this way now after a few drinks at lunch I know he will be all nicey dicey and try to get me back but he won't apologie he will just repeat this all over again and again for years. I'm worried about myself and I need some guidance from people who have been where I am. Is there ever a right time to end it, ever enough money, ever enough strength within? Or do you wing it and figure things out later? Or do I still hang in there and keep trying and keep getting nowhere? Am I THAT unloveable for being me? Really. I am sorry to come off so down and out but I feel like no one else really understands. I know it won't be easy but surely it is peaceful eventually!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 28 September 2012 13:22 posted by Guest

    To: i want it to work: Stop thinking about your marriage like a's not about who has the "upper hand". In every relationship and friendship and marriage, one person is bound to have more emotional attachment than the other and often this changes. This is based on so many factors including who else the other person has attachments to. Sometimes it is a husband who is attached to his mom and the wife feels less important, or as in your case the husband who is attached to his son (and if he is a good man, he should feel strongly about his son).

    The point here is that everyone is always out to make themselves happy to survive, it's nature. Many of us do it via our emotional attachments to friends, family, spouses or lovers. Some use drugs, sex, hobbies or other things to make themselves happy. If your emotional needs are filled up and you are happy with one person or a few (including close friends), then there is little room for outside influences. Most drug addicts would be able to trace their addiction back to the pain of emotional trauma and feeling alone and helpless and neglected - same with affairs - same with divorces.

    Your husband sounds like he loves you but can not figure out how to "do it all" and therefore is prioritizing where he needs to (son first, then hobbies, then wife). For you to get higher in that list of priorities, try getting into his hobbies or starting something that you both can enjoy - also to enjoy with his son. Maybe go to baseball games together or amusement parks or movies, make it fun for you and everyone and accept that as a good man and good father, he needs to spend some time alone with his son.

    Most importantly, let him know you feel taken for granted and don't want to keep feeling this way, ask to see a counselor to show him you are serious about the fact that this could spiral downwards into a divorce but you don't want it to. Don't attack or argue or cry when you talk to him about it...he will get defensive and justify because he doesn't want to admit he has hurt your feelings (because it would make him unhappy to know that he hurt your feelings).

    My 2 cents

    I am writing this as a sad husband whose wife is in love with a "childhood crush". I know what went wrong and it is now too late for me to fix it, she wants a divorce. I am especially sad that our children will not know the family life that we imagined for them.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 26 September 2012 20:01 posted by Guest

    need advice heartbroken : I really need help my heart is broken. I've been marry for 20 years we have 3 kids. My husband left me for 3 months. At the time I didn't know he was with his ex girlfriend. She called me on Christmas I heard my husband voice saying how much I love you and I will always be with you don't ever leave me. After I heard a woman voice saying my husband name and what else my love. When I heard that I felt my heart sink and hurt. I started crying my daughter heard too. When he came back 2 days later I confronted him he denied it. Then we went ti get some food he ran into a friend and his friend asked what did you give your wife. He replied my love my heart and a lot of kisses. So the guy asked who was I and he replied my wife. I said no am not your wife you have me confused with person you spend Christmas with. So he left for 3 months I had no idea he was with his ex until we made up and she send me text messages with pictures of them together. I got mad at him and told him to pick her or me he said me. It was ok until a month of us reconciling she started calling him and texting him. He started coming home real late at night or sometimes not at all. I confronted him and he told me that I was crazy am not with her. I grabbed his cellphone one night and saw her number I deletedit. He found out and says I have no right going threw his cellphone. I replied of course I do am your wife. The only thing that hurts more is when my oldest son caught his father twice with he. I also caught him and she tried to run me over in her truck when he was with her. I keep telling him to stop playing games n give me the divorce. He still says I'm not with her she textes him and he runs n hides to text back. One time I made a Facebook and send messages to her husbands family n yes she's married. Her family let her know that I put that she's a home wrecker because she's dating a married man that has kids. Of course she denied it too until I put up pictures of them. Am sorry this is so long and boring but till this day it hurts to think about so am asking for help I really love my husband and I want my marriage to work out. I really need help am so sad and I cry every day plus I've lost a lot of weight and I can't seem to sleep at night.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 22 September 2012 04:30 posted by Guest

    wife dumped me again: My wife is 35 im 42 she left me so many times I lost count and for very stupid reasons. She left me again this time files a divorce. We been together for 18 years and we have 16 year old daughter she got matching tattos with her on her 16 birthday she acts more like her friend then her mother im so upset, I new it was coming she has made me insecure and wonders why i am this way. I love her so much and would do anything that makes her happy includes even if it makes me unhappy. She changes with the weather we have not had sex in 2 years sleep in separate rooms treats me like a roomate takes all my money whats hers is hers whats mine is hers. I think she really means it this time I lost a lot of sleep over this and dont eat much its been a month in a half I got to get a laywer pease help me.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 13 September 2012 14:06 posted by Guest

    divorce : I'm 22 I have a 6 month old baby girl. I've been married for 9 months Ans I already want a divorce. My husband doesn't respect me. He treats me like a maid, I'm just here to take care of the house and our daughter

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 11 September 2012 10:59 posted by Guest

    Talk to a lawyer many lawyers: Talk to a lawyer many lawyers have free consultations, also go to the courthouse or legal aid, to find out about your rights. In California when you've been married for as long as you have - he has to pay spousal support not to mention child support it's the law. You can also get a restraining order if you feel threatened, get information about your rights and resources available to you. And lastly this too shall pass imagine yourself at peace as often as you can, it helps. Take comfort in what's good in your life, your children, health, etc. Take care, Love :-)

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 31 August 2012 01:32 posted by Guest

    I'm here.: Sweetheart,

    I am here for you. I am here for you. I have been through many of the problems you are going through. Men can suck!!! Really bad!! You are better than them!!! You are smarter, prettier, brighter,funnier, ok.., I know these arn't spelled right....this is a previous college student telling you so. So.. I guess misspellingis are ok.

    Girl.. I have been around the block and back. I am a upscale white girl from Wport in CT.
    I have been through all you can imagine.

    I can get you through this!!!!

    I love you like a sister. That's it.

    I am here. write me. I will get you through this!!!!!

    I lov

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 27 August 2012 16:47 posted by Guest

    Is there anyway we can talk? : Is there anyway we can talk? email or phone? Im in sort of the same shoes with different circumstances.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 21 August 2012 22:52 posted by Guest

    Re: What to do: Hi, all the praises are due to Allah the Creator of the worlds and heavens, and peace and blessings be upon the last messenger Muhammad, from the opening sentence you would must of have figured out my religion, i read your post and believe me or not it made me cry, i am really feeling so much for you, i can only pray for you and i surely will, you have not mentioned in your post that if you have discussed it with your husband or not, and i would suggest you that you should have a fair discussion with your husband and also with a convert of your ethnicity, language, color, locality i.e. if you can find one, i really hope and pray that may Allah guide you and protect you and your family, feel free to contact if you may have any questions about Islam.

    Muhammad Amir

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 19 August 2012 17:35 posted by Guest

    I am In a similar situation,: I am In a similar situation, my husband has three children. They come first and always will. I have my doubts also. The night my mother died, he walked out to pick up his kids. I told him I had cancer, he was more interested in getting his sons photo taken for a football card. You deserve better, as do I. It is hard to leave. It is also hard to accept the situation. All I can suggest is find support in your friends, you need need to have others around you whatever you decide. Good luck

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 16 August 2012 20:49 posted by Guest

    I want to divorce him: Filed for divorce 2009 then last minute I told my lawyer not to, and I gave my husband a chance. Now I'm certain I don't love him I am miserable with him and I need to have a piece of mind for once in years. Been married 14 yrs and two kids I don't have money bc Im still paying cc from last lawyer, mupy husband is a total " winner" and won't give me money Other than when I beg for it, he closed joint check acc and it's been 6 yrs since I don't have access to any marital money. The first round judge gave me primary custody and grant me the house while I was at shelter with kids when I first left. 2009 with them when he had me arrested for slapping him on the face when I cough him on Internet live web cam visiting with low lives... I loved this winner man for many years but now Im totally numbed I want out and I don't have money to leave the house with my kids, he asked me to leave and I won't w/o kids I wish he could go the jail for all the stuff he is said to me in front of our children and made them cry many many times. I make under a thousand a month and he makes 4 thousand a week I want to divorce him and he is been telling me he will divorce me when he is ready but I can't wait I feel suffocated and I've lost weight I have aged so much I'm 15 yrs younger then him and I thought that would never be a problem but came to find out 10 yrs later he is not into women anymore and when he is they gotta be lesbians and perform to him and for him. Which I'm not into never have never will. Please help me I live in Virginia I have no money to pay a lawyer bc my winner husband will have the audacity to fight me for kids when he really does not have anything to do with them.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 16 August 2012 10:20 posted by Guest

    what to do?: My husband and I always a reoccuring marital problem - religion. I come from a strong christian back ground and he is a devouted muslim. When I married him I turned muslim 2weeks prior because his family esp his mom wouldn't accept me unless I was muslim.I had no clue what I was getting myself into! In my first year of marriage I was so depress I tried to leave once and then again when I fell pregnant after our anniversary. I returned each time either because I felt sorry for him seeing as he loved me dearly and kept saying he would compromise (even though that's impossible because once you leave islam you should be chastised)or because I didn't have a job. When our daughter was born I was depressed once again and sort the advice of pschologist. I stopped going when I felt I would try at least to be a genuin muslim. That didn't last long and I was miserable again. Then I decided about a year ago to decide if I could possibley be muslim for myself not for the our marriage. I did so. And thought of putting an end to the emotional roller coaster. We were happier than we have ever been. But now that I am maturing as a muslim I feel like I'm losing my identity because islam has so many princepals about everything in life. I am not bad mouthing the religion there is much to be appreciated in it - but not for me. Also lately my family and old christian friends are telling my how inspired they were by me when I was christian. I really really miss the person I was then. I also hav to take into consideration that my daughter will have religious expectations when she reaches grade one. I don't want this lifestyle for her I don't think God would want it for us. My husband is a loving husband and father - couldn't hav asked for a better spouse! So I don't want to lose our 'perfect' marriage but its killing me to be this person. What should I do?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 13 August 2012 10:10 posted by Guest

    I have some questions for you: I have some questions for you - have you ever suffered from depression and did you stop being intimate with your wife? What was the reason why you had an affair?

    Currently my husband of 12 years left for the second time in 2 years. Both times he's had a bit of a mental breakdown. He left the country and went home to the UK and will be there at least another month and is actually considering moving there even though we have a son here in the US. His support network is over there and he doesn't want to leave them. He's suffering with depression and anxiety and we haven't had intimacy for around half our marriage. He said he hasn't loved me in a long time and has had 2 emotional affairs. His therapist said the affairs were "digital drugs", essentially self-medicating the depression. We've done counselling, both individually and as a couple and it helped, but we tend to stop when we feel better and haven't been thrilled with any of our counselors. He is starting medication today and will hopefully start to feel better. I hope it brings feelings to the surface and that he truly does love me. He does say he cares for me. We're still communicating, but his main priority is his son even though he's thinking of moving there for good.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 13 August 2012 00:20 posted by Guest

    I can relate to your husband: I can relate to your husband in some ways - we all want to do things that make us happy. However, it's important to understand that both of you need to be first on each other's list. Kids should come second and everything else (career, money, etc) after. There will be a lot of headbutting and marriage is a long process where you take two people who are always thinking "ME" and getting to a point where you turn it into a "WE". Make sure you communicate openly and speak your concerns to him before it's too late. If you're in med school , make time....My wife was in law school and it almost broke our marriage so you need to make time despite how consuming things can get! Now she has rescinded offers with huge salaries because she has her priorities straight and our marriage is in process of getting back on track. My advice would be to go to marriage counseling (not from your med school) to get you guys back on track.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 13 August 2012 00:02 posted by Guest

    I had an affair and filed for: I had an affair and filed for divorce with my wife of 7 yrs (2 kids) thinking that I didn't love her anymore. At the time of filing for divorce, I didn't feel like I did love my wife like a wife should be loved (saw her as a roommate) and all my decisions were being made based on "love chemicals" that were running throughout me from an affair. My affair has ended and I made the decision to end the divorce and reconcile with my wife because I realized that had we done things differently throughout our marriage - been better communicators, treat each other as honored guests, etc, things would not have slipped so far. Do you remember your wedding and honeymoon? The universe brought you two together for a reason. And you both had vows both of you should read them again and do your best to follow them.

    Here's what I learned - if I had better tools at the start of my marriage (never did any premarital counseling), the affair that almost ended my marriage would likely not have happened. My affair was a big mistake, but also it was the biggest turning point for us - it taught me and my wife a lot about marriage and the trials that exist - this is normal. No marriage is perfect because we as human beings are all inherently flawed - marriage is an opportunity for us to improve and grow but we will never be perfect. Forgive each other and move forward with fixing things and not worrying about the past or the future. Focus on each day.

    This is your turning point. Not sure what is tempting you to spend but I would suggest you take out your scissors this instant and just cut up the credit cards - use cash only. And focus all your energies on fixing your marriage on getting it back on track - seek help - marriage counseling, marriage retreat, church support group if you believe in God, debt counseling, etc. We found that a church marriage retreat made us understand that everyone has marriage trials but they can all be overcome. Obviously my trial was the affair and everything that led up to it. I'm still early on in fixing my marriage (1 month since deciding to reconcile) but both my wife and I have forgiven each other and have agreed on this ultimate goal to make things back to normal and better than ever. I can tell you that I'm in a much better place than I was a month ago and I see steps and patience - nothing gets fixed overnight. I pray that God's grace fall upon you and your husband. Don't give up - it can and will get better even when it seems impossible.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 10 August 2012 21:01 posted by Guest

    Leave: I did it after 32 years of living in Hell with an alcoholic, if you don't leave you will regret it. I should of left 20 years aago. I am happy now and I love my life.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 25 July 2012 02:40 posted by Guest

    impulsive relationship: My soon to be ex husband is in the military. We met, we fell head over heels in LUST with on another. We got married a week later ( we are both young and horribly impulsive) a few months later we decided to get pregnant( impulsively) he deployed I gave birth with only my family there since he was over seas. Our son is such a blessing. BUT he doesn't appreciate my son or me. I became a maid to h. I wasn't his wife, I wasn't his friend. He handled being a new dad horribly. Our son is a gorgeous, smart, loving and vivacious 9 month old. A week ago my husband just up and filed for divorce. I have always tried to initiate counseling for us. We went to one 30 min session. It was pointless he said n we never returned back. He says he regrets marrying me. That I was never who he was supposed to be with. I'm a good person, loving, caring smart and beautiful. I'm a caring and attentive mother also. I'm at a loss now that he has filed he seems distraught and confused not only about his finances but about God knows what else. He rarely calls to ask about our son ( who he loves but doesn't know how to show) and calls to just talk to me about random things. Idk what to do. He didn't give anything a chance, he was impulsive . And now it seems as if he is dealing with a lot of confusion.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 18:41 posted by Guest

    I need help ASAP: I've been married for 10 yrs. had 2 kids with my husband. The youngest with severe developmental delays and orthopedic problems. My husband bullied me out of the house. Afraid for my safety and the safety of my kids, I left the house and the city I lived in while married. I retained a lawyer but didn't file any papers yet. I know that my husband is wiring all his money and assets overseas. If i start the divorce process or not, I'm afraid that one day my husband will leave overseas when all the money and all assets been transferred. I'm really worried about going in major debts paying my lawyer who probably can only help me getting divorce...any thoughts???

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 23 July 2012 01:22 posted by Guest

    Confused: My husband and I have been married for almost 8 years. We have two boys, 5 and 7. I have a really bad problem with spending money and am going to see a therapist to get help. About 3 months ago my husband found a credit card statement in the mail. This is when all hell broke loose. I had been keeping my spending a secret because I was so happy that we seemed to be back on track. I didn't want my marriage to end and I didn't want our happiness to end. So I had lied when he asked me if my spending was under control and if I was using the credit cards. I was so scared to tell him that I was having a huge struggle because as I said, we were finally happy and content in the marriage. Things had settled down, we were both happy, we did things as a family and I didn't want to ruin that. He know feels that I have been betraying him. He doesn't trust me, nor thinks he can again. He fully believes that I will do this again in the future. With going to therapy it was determined that I may suffer from a disorder. I am severly depressed and may also have some bipolar tendencies which accounts for the mood unstability. In the beginning he stated that he is here for me. We will get through this and he isn't going anywhere. He first mentioned divorce when he confronted me about the issue. I was so relieved that our marriage wasn't going to end. Now though, he says that he doesn't fully believe I have a disorder. That I intentionally did this and knew all along what I was doing. He loves me as the mother of his children but doesn't want to be with me at all. He says this is all my fault and doesn't know if he ever can forgive me. However, when I mention getting a divorce and moving out with the kids he says that I can go but the kids are staying. I am welcome to stay in the house and continue to raise the kids but if I leave and want the kids he will fight me for them. I don't want to lose my kids! I am unemployed and was making arrangments to stay with my mom until I could get back on my own two feet. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me or care about my feelings. And, I certainly don't want to live with my husband like he is my roommate. However, I am not wanting my marriage to end. I just don't think the love I have for him is enough for both of us to continue on. Advice?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 22 July 2012 19:33 posted by Guest

    hello: Hello,

    It's definitely not a good sign that your husband has the upper hand - because I'm sure he knows it and exploits that fact. You sound like a very intelligent woman being in medical school. Don't allow yourself to be controlled by any man, no matter how much you love him because it will always end in you being manipulated and used.

    It's great that you love his child from a previous marriage but it sounds like he might be taking advantage of that. Your marriage should come first. Most marriage counselors will tell you that. Children are important, of course, but they grow up and move away building their own lives. The primary relationship is between the wife and husband. He was wrong to back out of the trip with you but then ended up taking his son instead. That shows where his priorities lay.

    If he is selfish and only does things that make himself happy instead of trying to make you happy - then he is not the man for you. And you are wise to reevaluate the situation before having a baby with him.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 21 July 2012 17:06 posted by Guest

    i am in need of advice. i am: i am in need of advice. i am so in love with my husband, sometimes i think too much meaning he totally has the upper hand. 6 years ago we fell in love and have been married for 1. he has a child from his previous marriage and i am in medical school. we have extremely busy lives and i feel like he never makes time for me, it is all about the child, work, and his hobbies. i love his child very much and i want to set a good example for him but i feel like i am always last on my husbands list. To give an example, i begged him to do something with me this summer seeing as it was the last time off i would have for a very long time and he promised me we would and then when i brought it up to plan he threw a fit and said we didn't have the money but then took his son on a trip that i had planned for them. i could go on with these types of examples all day. He is very selfish and takes me for granted, but there are times when he is the most wonderful man on this planet. to sum it up, my husband only does the things that make him happy. I know my problems may seem very petty but, i want to have a child in the near future and i need to reevaluate before doing that. help!!

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 13 July 2012 03:03 posted by Guest

    I'm in the same boat: I have been married for one and a half years but together for 7, and my husband and I live complete separate lives, separate bedrooms, separtate accounts, separate friends. We have had sex one since this past November. I'm exhausted trying to engage him in our relationship. Also he doesn't work or help around the house. I don't know what two do!! It sucks!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 11 July 2012 02:02 posted by Guest

    You will never change him.: You will never change him. Only he can change for himself

    Yes you do love him is just that part of your goal is to see him be more. For him to reach his potential and he needs a kick in the ass. Give him a wake up call. Move out for a while till he gets better and if he doesn't then you know what to do.

    Hey divorce doesn't always mean its over

    It just means. I can't live like this anymore

    If he loves you nope scratch that. If he loves himself he will change.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 11 July 2012 01:31 posted by Guest

    Yes another dedicated: Yes another dedicated beautiful wife like the one I had.

    I was in your husband shoes and I thought I was doing everything right. Then one day my wife got tired of it and I realized all my faults. I love her so I leave her alone and fix my issues. And show her that I'm a changed man.

    Love will always be there but if your husband doesn't accept and fix his faults. Then you'll be unhappy for a very long time. Unless you get another job and pick up his slack even more.

    So is divorce the answer? Nope
    Tell him your patience is running thin.
    Set a time limit in your head.
    If he doesn't meet this time limit then file for divorce.
    Do not take "I'm going to change for an answer"
    Tell him you will proceed as scheduled until you see progress.

    If you don't see it then divorce him

    If he loves you. He will change. He will have to. He will have no choice.

    I don't think women will be lining up to date a guy with no job no future, no ambition. Etc

    You can't lose ;)

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 11 July 2012 01:22 posted by Guest

    Problem is you married a boy: Problem is you married a boy trapped in a mans body.

    A man should be - hard working, motivated, loving, caring, nurturing, a partner, supportive, helpful

    You married a boy- lazy, unmotivated, needs mother, dishonest

    He is not offering you much. He is not a husband. He is a project. You feel attached because you feel sorry for him

    He has depression issues or he is selfish or both. You cannot help him. He must help himself.

    You will not win this battle. You will only get trapped in it. It's UP to you.

    Divorce may save your marriage.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 11 July 2012 01:06 posted by Guest

    Marriage: Well I was in your husband shoes for 5 years. Then one day my wife had enough. She divorced me and here I am 9 months later still loving her and missing her. We have no contact what so ever but I realized that I do live her with all my heart. Problem is I don't live myself enough. So I realized through writing,analyzing, talking to people, and counseling that I have issues. I decided to work and fix them and show my ex wife that I did change. But that change must be for me because if she doesn't return I still have to reach my happiness.

    So it is true he may love you very much but he is frustrated and taking it out on you (one often hurts the one they love the most) it is no excuse though. None. NO EXCUSE. Do not let this happen to you.

    Join talk about marriage . Com it is a free forum that will help you greatly.

    And people with your situation will answer and help you through your issues.

    Marriage is beautiful when , faithfulness, respect, love, communication, and honesty are there

    Set rules he will say "I'll change" no he won't. Not do simple it takes work and dedication
    If you go to counseling and other things but never be a victim of this abuse

    I apologize to my ex in my prayers but that's not enough. I work on myself so I will never ever do this again to her or anyone else. And guess what, it will never make up for it but that's the only way I'll accept myself.

    You must be honest also. You are not happy. That I not good

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:55 posted by Guest

    Hun, maybe go talk with a: Hun, maybe go talk with a counselor about your feelings. There are things you've expressed that are hurtful and not "healthy." A professional can help you sort it out. Blessings.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:53 posted by Guest

    Yes! Yes! Yes! Good advice. : Yes! Yes! Yes! Good advice. PS Housekeepers, Cooks, and babysitters make honorable money. You've been working SEVERAL jobs all these years!

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:45 posted by Guest

    Your letter hurts my feeling: Your letter hurts my feeling for you! What a jerk to treat you that way. so disrespectful. consider taking a college class, online or at campass. just a class thats fun for you. be around healthy people, get some self esteem. He has messed up on many ways... I hear your reasons for "hanging in there," but, if it's not happy and healthy for you, it's not for your daughter either! Life is to be enjoyed, lived well...enjoyed. You deserve to be happy and treated with respect. And marriage is a commitment/He cheated! Maybe you might benefit to go talk to a counselor? get some perspective..... Wishing you the best, hun

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:28 posted by Guest

    You said you can support: You said you can support yourself and your you need a solid plan and a date. From what you said he is dangerous girl! Normal people dont talk about blowing people's brains out! Your prior responder is right, get a lawyer,, set up a home/ without him knowing, set the date in your head. start over! I one time heard about a woman who got up early one morning while her husband was sleeping, loaded the car with laundry...(was really her stuff hidden in the laundry) he woke up right as she grabbed the kids to go and she said, hey, going to do laundry...and left. drove to the train station, got on and left state. went home to family and never looked back.
    Just saying, there are ways, to get away safely, and there are ways to be safe. if you stay in the area, where he knows your work, friends etc, then you definitely need to immediately get restraining orders/lawyers etc, but get your life back, for you, for your child. America, land of free, home of the brave.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:17 posted by Guest

    the word divorce: Hey, sometimes we want to kick and scream and get heard....They seem to ignore us/or actually do. lol. Telling him he lacks emotional support probably doesnt make sense to him. that's a vague term. Perhaps some marriage counseling at this point, cuz professionals can help teach couples better communication skills...and understanding each other.. If you said that in front of a counselor, the counselor would urge you to explain, give examples of what you mean by that, and what he can/could do which would help you feel his support. Additionally he may have things that he needs you to know and it could be mutually benefial.
    wishing you the best :)

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 23:07 posted by Guest

    dear hurt and confused: Unbelievable! Wow... You know, people cheat on each other in so many ways. The whole online thing really seems to cause a lot of problems of crossing lines. If a married man is giving his time and attention/ flirting, writing girls letters? That's marriage breaking stuff. Cheatings cheating! And then to be subjected to 3 somes? Really?? You know what, you do not deserve that, and cheating is one reason given in the Bible that gives you the right to divorce..... Hate to go back that far, but... Marriage is a agreement between each other. He broke rules that dont even have to be written... that's a deal breaker.... Oh hun...feel bad for you. Get focused on you, your child, your life.... forget about him!

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 22:24 posted by Guest

    You are educated, ambitious,: You are educated, ambitious, and goal oriented. That is a good thing! I read your letter and I thought, "What?" does she have a mate/partner, or a kid she's babysitting? come on work so hard for what you have! and it sounds like you want to share it with him. Kool. But, and this is a big but, He doesn't work? Partys? Had a bad childhood so now he's not responsible for the MAN He becomes. Hun, Life is a VERB. Sounds like he has a big sister or mama....and woman to woman that ticks me off cuz it smells like foul being used. (He cant even do half of what you do/or contribute?) Really????

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 07 July 2012 22:16 posted by Guest


    If you re-read your: Hun,

    If you re-read your letter, you will see that you answered yourself! You know what you want and need to do. Because your kids are grown and it's uncomfortable at home, find something that benefits you, a job, school, something to occupy your time and give you time alone to think and prepare, heal, and get on your feet. Life is to be enjoyed. Use your own self power to create the life you want. believe in your self. Someone who is using is not in reality...they live in a different reality.
    be good to yourself. Get your life together for you BEFORE getting involved in another relationship though, or you may be apt to repeat and get into another unhealthy one.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 03 July 2012 14:56 posted by Guest

    My husband has verbally: My husband has verbally abused me our whole relationship, he would always tell me I wasn't good enough, I needed to lose weight, needed to change my religion, that he didn't like my family and so on. We have been together for 5 years, married for 3, before marriage he never had a problem with any of things. In the past year I lost a bunch of weight and he would still tell me he wished I looked like some chick in a bikini, even though I was busting my butt working out. He is very selfish, it was always what he wanted, never what I wanted. He would drag me out to bars to watch him get drunk just so I could drive him home and such. I have told him I want a divorce and he just freaks out, says I am everything to him, but he doesn't treat me like it, so I don't get it. I don't know what to do, I am unhappy.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 27 June 2012 14:02 posted by Guest

    You should get a divorce.: You should get a divorce. Your son should be able to handle it as he gets older. You need to work on you and what will make you happy. He seems to not really care about your feelings or concerns. You may be missing out on a better life because you are holding onto a fantasy. I understand that you want to work it out but he has to want to as well and actually act on it which he is not. Leave now before you regret it later.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 23 June 2012 04:06 posted by Guest

    I know how your husband felt.: I know how your husband felt. Been there, done that. I'd been doing yard work all day, just finished up, taken a shower, and had retired to the couch for some relaxation. And then my wife came home. And she needed help with something. I also said "no". And she kept asking, which just made me mad because I had already did work outside the house that day. I came in to relax for the night, and she wouldn't let me. When I ask her about something, and she says "no", then I either do it myself, or leave it alone til tomorrow and ask again. I respect her to allow her to make the choice to help, and to give her a break when she needs it.

    Obviously your husband knew you wouldn't leave him alone from a past experience and that's why he went upstairs furious to get it done, and got more mad when you said you didn't want to do it anymore once he got up there, which made him even more mad.

    Gotta respect each other, if he says "no" and he's done something all day, give him a break and respect his answer. If he asks you for something and you say "no" next time, and he does this to you, fair game.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 20 June 2012 20:56 posted by Guest

    Happy Some Days: I am so confused. I love my husband, some days, and other days I love him more but I feel as if I've already failed at our marriage and that nothing I can say or do can fix it. We've been married a little over a year and the small arguments over nothing have double in number and tripled in intensity. Tonight, for instance, I came home from work and wanted to rearrange a bedroom to make it into an office. I have a busted elbow right now so I would have to have help doing so. I asked my husband to help me and he said no because he'd been cleaning all day while I was off. Okay. So I sat upstairs for a while trying to find a way to do it myself and couldnt so about an hour later I asked him to just help me move a couple of big pieces and that I could do the rest. He got mad enough to storm upstairs and demand that we get it done and I wasn't looking to make him angry. And then once he was angry I didn't want to work on the room because making it into an office was special to me because I just started a home business and I didn't want negative feelings tied to the room. That made him even angrier. And then I try to explain it to him and instead of listening, it's like he's waiting for me to finish speaking and he's taking notes so his has ammunition for when it's his turn to speak. I was trying to apologize for making him angry and he wouldn't listen and instead kept bringing up other stuff and I felt like I was having a conversation with a lawyer and that nothing I said was safe. He ended up telling me my attitude was unhealthy, but all this started over me just asking again for help an hour after he said no. I've always been a big kid and he used to think it was endearing and my inner child decided to ask again and then it leads to this. I'm tired of arguing what feels like all the time and so is he. To the point where an argument is nothing but repeating the past arguments and is nothing about the present. I don't know how to fix it but I told myself I would never get divorced. I don't know what to do...

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 16 June 2012 20:38 posted by Guest

    I am so sorry for your pain.: I am so sorry for your pain. You feel like second best and you feel as though you can never trust him again. I can assure you, proof or no proof, he has been cheating. Some men are selfish oafs without the 1st idea on how to love.
    Kick him to the curb along with his personal ads and get alimony

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 11 June 2012 00:48 posted by Guest

    young love: Me and my husband met online and I have never ever been in any type of relationship before him. I drove from another state to his just to be with him and be happy. Yes everything was perfect and just pure happiness when we were long distance but the only problem was we weren't able to see each other in person and be able to touch. I was having some very hard times at home living with my own mother back where I came from and one day something happened and I just got feed up and told my husband slash boyfriend at the time that I want to come live with him and his mom. His mom doesn't usually let women stay in her home but my husband/boyfriend at the timer told her that I will be his wide so she let me come and stay with them. If I would've known what I go through now I wouldn't have come here and my husband knows that. first. It has been extremely stressful living with his mom. Second my husband comes out with a few secrets that he has never told me before. He said to me if I told you these things while you were over where you used to stay in the other state you wouldn't have feel in love with me. And that's what I was afraid of. all I ever asked and wanted was for him to be fully honest with me. These are secrets that he told me after we got married. 2 of them are things that are affecting my health. And another one is not big of a secret but it still effects me. I let them use my car and everything. I just got a job. All my husband does is suit around on the computer literally all day. But he expects me to pay and help him with his driving tickets and everything else. I left my own home to this place to struggle with my husband and I am so tired. I know nothing about being married asks I'm starting to think everything was just a mistake. I just don't know what to do. I need help, we need help. Me and his mom don't get along because she annoying and clings to my husband about everything. Get your own damn husband us what I be thinking. sometimes I just want to leave without looking back but I can't do that because the feelings I have for my husband are to strong. I just wish we weren't struggling and we had our own place and doing What we want to do. Enjoying life. He says he is waiting for me to grow strong in my faith in God, and patience and everything. Please give me some.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 09 June 2012 21:43 posted by Guest

    The word divorce makes me feel like a failure: today is the day that i mentioned divorce to my husband because of his lack of emotional support. He looked relieved but then says that he doesnt want that. Doesnt he know how confused i am right now

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 09 June 2012 20:15 posted by Guest

    not wanting a divorce...: I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I have been married for going on 6 years. I feel like I'm the only responsible one in the marriage. I have a job. I went to grad school full time and worked full time, but he has a degree he doens't use, doesn't work, is going to school part time and only does his work at the last minute. I work so we can pay the bills and then all i feel like doing is sleeping on my days off and he just wants to play video games or "party." I'm ready to have kids and be a grown up. My husband had things happen to him as a kid that causes him to choose some of the choices that he chooses. I love him a lot and feel like i have put him before me the past 6 years. I'm afraid of what might happen to him if we get a divorce. What will he do? He has no job. I feel responsible for him because I do love him and do not want him to hurt or suffer or have a hard time in life, but it is really taking its toll on me. But then again is all that just my way of trying to make it all his fault so I won't hurt so bad. We tried couseling once and got a bad counselor, but my husband walked out during a session. At that time I had so much anger towards him. It kinda mellowed out, but all that anger is coming back. I don't want a divorce, but I don't know if we both can change to make things work. Any advice? or personal story to help?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 04 June 2012 02:51 posted by Guest

    He is very immature and only: He is very immature and only wants you when you tell him he can't have you. He needs to grow up and is NOT dependable. He is not there for you when you need him, but only when he needs you. You can decide for yourself if this is the kind of person that deserves your unconditional love.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 04 June 2012 02:24 posted by Guest

    It is in the bible, how god: It is in the bible, how god views divorce. It is not good to leave your mate & then there life is turned upside down. Marriage is about maturity, respect, GOOD communication & encourage each other without blaming. It is not about being IN love ( that comes and goes and comes back again) please look in your bible, I promise Jehovah, God has the answers for you. No relationship is perfect & neither is anyone. You should never give up on your mate unless they are abusive. Mature love is very fulfilling.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 04 June 2012 02:12 posted by Guest

    My husband divorced me for: My husband divorced me for the exact reason, being that I'm not as goal oriented as him. He loves me, but is not IN love with me. Marriage is not about always being IN LOVE, that feeling comes and goes & comes back again, it is about love & respect & if you both practice good communication & encourage each other, with time you will see it is worth having a trusting person by your side & you will feel more fulfilled in your relationship.
    Think about how you would feel if you saw him happy with another woman. If you really don't care for him, then do him a favor & let him be loved by someone who accepts his flaws, because no one is perfect & neither is ANY relationship. If he loyal he worth taking time to encourage him & communicate exactly what you need to make things work without placing blame.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 01 June 2012 17:23 posted by Guest

    Hurt and confused: I'm so hurt and very confused. I thought enough time has passed to where i could think clearly but I find that I'm still list. My husband and I are high school sweet hearts. We have been together for 19 yrs and married 12 of those yrs. We have 1 child; age 11. Almost two yrs ago I found a Facebook message from a close girlfriend of both of us pulled up. Husband had forgot to close it down. The message was flirty and sexual. I saw that several messages had been sent back and forth. I was upset and shocked as this girl came over all the time and would state a defense about men and women being friends. I always agreed with her that they could so long as a boundary was in place. I had clues that she liked my husband but never went into full jealousy. I left message up so he could see that I had seen it....but I was unable to confront him. After a week, I finally confronted him about it...he then tells me that they have been emailing for 6 yrs! He said they never had sex or even kissed. He was short with me and treated me as though I was a problem for even asking. A few days later, I find his regular email up. A little cautious because of what I found before, I peeked and found that he had told her that I knew and was not the least bit aware of how serious their relationship was going. I read all the mail then and that's when I found personal ads on craigslist seeking threesomes, a male for oral sex, and women. One ad was even for a transsexual. I hit rock bottom. I feel I'm still there. I confronted him after a month because I was so weak and hurt. I packed a bag for myself and my child. Husband said that he loved me and wanted to work things out. He claimed that he was happy sexually with me as we had sex all the time but that he didn't like not seeing and touching another set of breasts ever was limiting to him....that he didn't want my set to be the only set. Now, I know I have nice breasts and have been told many times so, hearing this hurt and confused me! He then said that he wanted an unconventional marriage and liked the idea of having ppl join us in the bedroom. I thought this over for weeks as I wanted to work on our marriage. I loved, I allowed or tried some activities for him. I don't want to swing or live a life like this! He says I don't have to and that he would be happy with just me.....but I feel I have fallen out of love with him. I don't want to bring ppl into our bedroom. I want him to want me and be happy with me.
    He claims that he wants a life less ordinary. While dealing with the cheating and his desire to swing, he reveals that the girlfriend and him used to go get coffee and do things. I don't feel I could trust him. He also tells me that he's unhappy with how his life unfolded....that he always thought he would have a better life and be more successful. I feel like I have held him back from the life he wanted. I'm hurt, torn, and confused. Of course, there is more but feel as though I have rambled. I need outside advice. Help

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 01 June 2012 07:21 posted by Guest

    For I dont know what to do: I would make an appointment with a lawyer and see where you stand. There are lawyers that give a free consult. He has threatened your life and has neglected your child. From experience with someone like that things will only get worse. Do not tell him him that you are going to see a lawyer, that is crucial. It can become very violent very quickly! If you feel threatened seek a restraining order. Your not alone thousands of women go through this everyday. You have the power to make a change.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 29 May 2012 13:54 posted by Guest

    I don't know what to do.: I've been married for almost three years. I have a two year old son. I've wanted a divorce for a while now but every time I bring it up, he tells me that I can just get out of his house and never see my son again. I'm afraid he can take my son from me. I'm the only one that has worked for a long time. Of the three years we've been together, he's been unemployed for two. He doesn't have a job. I leave my son at home with him, but he doesn't get proper care. My husband won't clean the house, or cook, or even give our child a bath. I have to do it all. He's controlling. He gives me a curfew if I go out, then accuses me of cheating on him when I do go out, even if I asked him to go with me. Even if I go to a tent revival with a friend. He's an avid gamer, up all night and sleeping all day. He keeps my son in the bed with him all day so that he can sleep. I work 12 hour shifts. I do everything alone, so I know I could do it without him. He just makes my life so much harder and I'm ready to cut ties... But the last time I told him I wanted a divorce and tried to take my son, he told me to get out of his house and if I brought any back to help me he'd blow their brains out. I'm not perfect, I've done things in our marriage that weren't perfect. But I've never actually cheated. I don't know what to do. I'm do lost and confused. How do I divorce him without losing my child?

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 25 May 2012 16:40 posted by Guest

    Help? Confused? Should I divorce?: I've been with my husband for about 25 yrs. He thinks I'm his everything, we had one date in high school and went and married other people then got together. We got together when I was recently divorced with 2 small children. I came from a broken home and marriage involving abuse, both verbally, emotionally, physical, and drugs. Our 2 children are grown and have left the nest, so that's not a factor. My husband has been abusing drugs for about 2 out of the last 4 years, and has had previous suicide attempts. All of this is related to being off the job for 4 years and ongoing legal battles against his company. He is disabled now, that is the reason for his prescription drug abuse. I can't live with a junkie any longer. I've done it before and refuse to go down that path again. I've worked at various odd jobs during our marriage, but no real skill set. He was the primary breadwinner. I don't know what to do. I met a man, several years ago, that I became very attracted to, to the point of considering having an affair. I didn't. Because of my marriage vows and I just couldn't do that. My sex life is nonexistent, due to my husband's addictions and I'm just not attracted to him any longer. He just seems very old now. Even friends have commented about it. We don't fight. There is nothing really to fight about. I think I am staying with him out of security. But, how can I survive in a sexless marriage. Have I just grown too comfortable at my age and don't want change? I'm almost 50! I don't see this getting any better. I'm starting to resent him. Alot of my friends know how I feel and think I should leave. How do you tell a nice, handicapped man you want a divorce?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 15 May 2012 17:27 posted by Guest

    It might be a good idea to: It might be a good idea to just separate for a while, not necessarily get a divorce. It may take some time. But If he cares about the relationship he will do whatever it takes to get his self together and make it work. If not the you will know your answer.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 May 2012 12:20 posted by Guest

    Lonely and confused: Please don't get the wrong impression I was posting this when I was upset thinking it was private not public. I'm also going through early stages of menopause it's not fun at all. I was looking for some advice. I am confused because I grew up old fashioned with my grandparents and watched my grandma stay at home and take care of the grandkids and home while my grandpa worked I was taught that this is how it was. But in this day and time few parents are at home anymore they all have to work. I have no training in anything and I'm a little nervous to do anything else than work at home and feel that I need to be here if the kids need me for anything. I suppose I could start my own housecleaning business. My husband thinks I should be out there doing something with myself than just sitting at home all day while the kids are at school. He doesn't understand that I don't just sit around and this is what I want to do I want to be the housewife and mother that is what my grandmother was that's all I know how to be. My husband had a single mother who worked all the time. House keeping isn't work to him. We've have been through a lot together over the years 22 years of growing up together. We are a very close to our kids we go everywhere together. We didn't have that growing up both of our parents were divorced. Family is our top priority. We have our days just as any other couple out there. I wasn't saying that I was being abused I was trying to see if I was the only one out there who's husband thought housework wasn't a full time job. He's not always so verbally hurtful. He's not sexually abusing me either I think his wanting more sex is just his way of saying hey could you stop cleaning and let the kids do some chores so you and I can spend some time together. He felt horrible about telling me I was worthless and a sponge. And because he used that term I felt more like eww I don't want him touching me. My kids don't see that side of us we keep our arguments away from them. In fact they say we are one of the few parents that are still together most of their friends all have divorced parents. Our kids are very good in school three have graduated already and are in college. The other three are doing very well in school and have many friends and activities to keep them busy. I don't have any friends I put all of myself into parenting and being a wife I didn't feel I had time to take on someone else's troubles my grandmother had no friends either. My husband and I have been to counseling she thinks we need to spend more time together because we spend so much time on working and the kids that we leave no time for each other and it begins with the parents. I feel on the other hand that my kids are growing up so fast that they'll be grown in a blink of an eye I don't want to miss anything and I put my husband on bottom of the list. Not realizing that it makes him feel neglected. And he's the one that has been there for 22 years. He's an amazing daddy our little girl believes she is a princess Our boys are well on there way to greatness. How can I delete the post I feel horrible about throwing my feelings out there when I was upset without anyone knowing me or hearing the whole story. I've written and asked for it to be deleted but had no response. I would like to join a more positive group that gives advice on how to better your marriage than to give up.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 May 2012 09:07 posted by Guest

    Here for you: Hi :) I try not to judge too much because we all have different situations but from what I am hearing, you are not happy. I am someone who believes that if you get married, you should take all the steps necessary to make it work but if it isn't working, it isn't working. I think we try and tell ourselves that if something would just change, everything would be awesome and the relationship would be good! I think we tell ourselves that because that is our hope and it is not bad to think that way. The things that I do know is that if you buy a house together or have children or make any other big decisions while you are feeling like this, it will ONLY make things worse. You will keep getting in deeper and deeper and will have tighter bonds to this person making it even harder to make a decision for yourself. Have you gone to marriage counseling? My husband and I went for a bit but stopped because I noticed my husband could not be honest and forthcoming and so what was the point? I KNOW how hard it is to make the decision to divorce because I am struggling with it also but you need to get some sort of counseling before making that decision and before buying a house or making any other big decisions. Maybe marriage counseling is not the key but personal counseling for yourself; I think that is the route for me. Perhaps figuring out why you are in this situation or why you are having such a hard time getting out of it, would help. Good luck; I will be thinking about you and hoping you find some peace in your situation.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 May 2012 08:58 posted by Guest

    I feel stuck: My husband and I have been together for over 8 years and married for a little over 4. We have one daughter who is about a year and a half. We are both in our early-mid thirties. When we first got together, I was lost and out of control partying. I had no direction and my emotional state was very needy, pathetic and immature. As some time went on, I started to get back to the person I had been and started to build more character. I knew we were not right for one another but I somehow felt and obligation since I had shown him a love he had never had. We do love each other but this seems like a classic case of "it takes more than love." We have a similar sense of humor and some of our interests are the same but that is pretty much it. We are so different and do not really have an emotional connection. I have more deep meaningful conversations with strangers. He is just not in touch with his feelings and is a pessimistic where I am the opposite of these. He has not worked in 4 years and now is a stay-at-home dad to our daughter. I get this summer off from my job and I told him he would have to work full-time and I would stay home (for once) to which he agreed. I am 4 days away from being off and he has not gotten a job yet. I will be the one working all summer at odd jobs and such. We fought Friday and I told him that it bothers me that he is not willing to do whatever it takes to support his family, even if it means working at McDonald's. I am so stuck because I know divorce is hard for both parties and we have a daughter and I really wanted more children. I am sick of telling him the things I want to change because he is who he is and I want him to be happy just as much as I want to be happy. I cannot tell you how many times I have HOPED that he would cheat on me because then it would make it easier to end it. I do love him and would be so sad if we split but I do not want to be longing for something else anymore and I do not want my daughter to grow up with a wrong sense of marriage. What do I do?

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 14 May 2012 06:43 posted by Guest

    reply: lost and confused: i understand your situation completely. Leave this man and take your kids with you. We now recognize abuse comes in forms other than hitting, and these are just as devastating. He is verbally and emotionally and sexually abusing you. He has convinced you are worthless, and that you will not have anything if you divorce. That is not true. That is his controlling you by threatening your sense of safety. A court will understand the "non monetary" contributions you have made to the household. You will get alimony. You will get child support. You are entitled to half of the marriage assets. It is not "his" money, it belongs to both of you equally. He has just made you too afraid to use it. Make a plan, and the day you leave take as much cash out of your bank accounts as you can get and make your own account in a different bank to use while you are in transition. I know it is hard, but think of your children and the pattern of abuse they are learning. Think of what a wonderful strong woman you are. Raising six kids takes a strong woman! Get out to a safe house and get counseling help for you and your kids. Get a lawyer. You will have a wonderful life and you deserve it. Many women have gone down your path, you can do it too.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 13 May 2012 13:43 posted by Guest

    My husband and I have been: My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years, but together for 26. I'm 42 years old. The first few years of our marriage were fine, but my husband has always found the need to stare at other women he thinks are 'hot'. It's always been an issue for me. I know men look, but to make it as obvious as he does in front of me has always been an issue. My husband is also OCD, and will admit that he wants everything he has to be perfect, even the way I look. Well, I've always has a little bit of a weight problem, and it's gotten worse over years. I'm not obese by any means, but could stand to lose a few pounds. He has always made his little comments or digs at me to make me feel bad about myself. Everything in our marriage has to be what he says, although he'll never admit to that. He likes to be in control of everything, including finances. He used to always tell me that when I make more money than him, then I can spend more money than he does. Well, I've made more than him for the last 10 years, and now it's a different story.

    We have one child. He's never really wanted to help out with the raising of her. In his mind, it's the woman's job to do everything, cooking, cleaning, taking care of the children. I've tried to tell him if he wants to be that old fashioned, then he needs to go out and get a job making more money so I don't have to work and be home taking care of everything. But like I said, he's never wanted to help out raising our child, unless he doesn't approve of the way I'm doing something, and then it's his way only.

    A few years ago, he met a woman whom he thought was his soul mate. She was married at the time and had three children. They started talking, and apparently went on a date when I was out of town. There was never any sex involved, but he was all ready to leave me for her....little did he know, she didn't feel the same for him and she left her husband for another man. He was totally heartbroken over it, and we decided to work it out. And things were good for a while, but now they're back to where we were before the other woman.

    I've gotten to the point that the majority of the time, I can't stand to be around him, but I'm not exactly sure if I want to give up. I've been with him for so long that some days I feel like I should just grin and bear it and stay in for the long run. I really don't want to mess up my daughter with a divorce. Plus, I'm afraid of giving up everything that I've worked long and hard to get.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 12 May 2012 00:30 posted by Guest

    I'm lost and confused: I'm 42 years old. My husband and I have been married 22 years and we have 6 kids and five are at home. 21,19,18,16,13,11 five boys and a girl. We only knew each other two weeks when we got married. I'm a stay at home mom. Iv'e never worked outside of the house. Iv'e been home so long I don't know how to do anything but clean house and take care of children. My husband works a lot. He's a great provider lousy husband. I'm at a point in my life now that I feel I have nothing left in this relationship. I don't know what to do with myself I'm so used to being a wife and mother. I have no other skills. I clean house from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I literally drop at the end of the day. But because I've never brought any income into this family he tells me I'm worthless and a sponge. All he wants from me is sex all the time. I sleep in the other room sometimes just to avoid having it I hate it. He's only loving to me when he wants sex and the rest of the time he's putting me down for not working. I feel no real love. I feel like it's all fake. I've never had any help from anyone on my side of the family or his with my children no one has ever babysat them or helped me after I had a baby as soon as I had a baby and came home from the hospital I was back to housework and taking care of all the kids by myself. I get told I've never done anything to help bring in any income and that I'm a parasite. I feel so alone and used by him. Always compares me to other women, saying that in other marriages both spouses work the women work. I work too I just don't get any acknowledgement. I never leave the house unless we go to the store or something. I am at home all the time. I have no friends. I appreciate him working so hard all these years providing for us but I'm not appreciated at all. He says he can pay someone else to clean house and take care of the kids. It's not just about cleaning house I'm a mother and a wife. I help with schoolwork, dry tears, I give him sex at least once or twice a week as much as I hate it its never enough. I'm here for whenever anyone needs me and all I get from my husband is when are you gonna go out and get a real job and stop sponging off of me. either that or he says If I got sex everyday and I'd be happy. He works for a well known pharmaceutical company so it's not the money, he makes good money. He wants me to get a job so I can pay the mortgage and utilities so he can move on so he says. I don't know how to do that. I'm so lost. I don't have anyone to turn to he and the kids are all I have. One minute he wants me gone the next he says he loves and needs me. I'm confused I feel like I'm losing my mind. If we get divorced I Don't want half of everything because I didn't work for it it's his money. We have a lot of real estate. All I want is a house to live in until my youngest children are old enough to be on their own. I feel that he should provide that. I'm not a high maintenance woman I don't go out shopping I don't drink or smoke. I just want to take care of my children he can move on if he wants. But I feel that I deserve more than just the door in my face. I've told him how I feel I've poured my heart out but I don't make any money and I'm not having sex every single day it's absurd so I'm worthless to him no matter what else I do. What can I do? I need and want to get my life together I want to be a strong woman. How do I begin?

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 02 May 2012 23:02 posted by Guest

    lonely...: my husband and i have been married for two and a half years, together for six. I feel like we live two totally separate lives. It's like we're roommates. We're never intimate. I practically have to beg. I'm not even very sexually attracted to him anymore, but I feel like maybe if we spent more time together that might change. He has a better relationship with the tv than me and I feel like he looks down on me because I work for a nonprofit and dont bring in as much money as him. He never helps around the house and wants acknowledgement and praise when he does, like its not his home to take care of, too. We dont have any kids. We're talking about buying a house in the next year. I want to make the right decision before its too late. I've been having these sinking feelings of doubt for at least two years. I love him and i want him to be happy, too. I wonder if the best thing is to throw in the towel before weve been together much longer. Im angry, sad, lonely, frustrated and exhausted.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 21 April 2012 09:25 posted by Guest

    How did it turn out?: I'm contemplating divorce too. Been married 19 years almost, and am 38 also. 3 kids all gradeschool. I'm a military spouse, and let my RN license expire 4 yrs ago. Money saved, but still scared to scrap it all. I really do not feel in love with my husband,and on my honeymoon night I cried, because I kind of knew this wasn't the right person for me. He is unappreciative, often uncaring, unsupportive/uncongratulative of my accomplishments. The sex sucks, although he wants it all the time, I can't orgasm with him ever....never have. It is always quick and I get nothing out of it. We have a big fight about every 2 months with often weeks of the silent treatment from him in between. I'm at the point where I don't have the energy to argue with him anymore, talk it out, and right now I'm just numb.. We went to a marriage counselor but he hated going and started even disagreeing and arguing with the counselor. We would fight more after going because all the feelings would be resurfaced. Living overseas now and scared to throw it all in and start over. Also scared of not seeing my kids all the time. Scared of having to get an official job again, although I have been grooming and pet sitting (under the tax radar). Also show and breed dogs, and scared of not being able to rent a place that I can house my 4 dogs. Any thoughts about what I should do?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 01 April 2012 14:29 posted by Guest

    No connection, no sex, no communication: No connection, no sex, no communication
    But I'm so conflicted. Mainly because of our children - a daughter, 5, and a son, 11. Sometimes I feel like I love him, sometimes I don't. I don't want to think of him with anyone else. I want to be happy with him. I feel like I'm too far gone though. Like there's nothing he can do. He doesn't seem to understand that actions mean oh so much more than words... He tells me via text that he loves me & I'm beautiful every day.. Almost like he has a reminder set... But I don't think he does. It's just so robotic with a few !! to make it better. His actions don't match his words. Anyway, it started in 2007 wnen our daughter was 5 mos old... Before this he nearly walked on water to me. I had so many illusions... First, I caught him w/ a profile on a site like adult friend finder, he admitted, was remorseful, let me see that no contact was ever made, & said he did it only for the pictures and out of curiosity... but it was so sneaky... the way he tried to cover his tracks before I even found it. I lost all trust in him, all 110% of it, & then we started fighting like cats & dogs, so I left him after a year & a 1/2 of fighting. That lasted about a week. He quit drinking to prove that he wanted to be with his family. Many lies resulted from that promise, but he ended up pretty much giving it up, anyway. Then, he started secretly watching porn all while knowing how I felt because of the profile he'd succumbed to making before... He's lied since then... Disappeared on his motorcycle for an entire day to see a childhood/adolescent friend of his that came back from the Marines all WACKED out. We'd completely severed ties with the friend & his family (...this guy forcing his children to watch porn... they no longer have custody, thank goodness, because they'd be raising psychopaths). Come to find out he'd been hiding that he was cultivating his old friendship over the phone, & had to go see him (!). Fast-forward through a few other troubles including an accidental voicemail on my phone where he talked about what he wanted to do with/to some girls he saw on the beach in Gulf Shores... He thought his missed call ended. No, it recorded his conversation just for me. ILLUSIONS! I didn't know he thought about other women like that, let alone spoke about it! (I've never once, not one time, caught him in the act of checking other women out.) Anyway, in 2010, he was diagnosed with bipolar. OK. I can live w/ that. Maybe that was a contributing factor to his poor decision making and lies. Now he's on meds & doesn't give a shit about anything. The end. Now what? I miss having a mutually loving relationship, sex (no libido from his meds), and actually being able to talk to him & know at the same time that he's really listening. IDK. I guess what we do have is that we both want it... I just don't know if I can ever feel connected to him again... We are both so distant. He because of his meds & me to protect my heart from this feeling that I have that he's gonna cheat on me because of our situation and his bipolar.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 01 April 2012 13:42 posted by Guest

    I agree. Read up on how to: I agree. Read up on how to keep the friendship if you want but go before children. It won't get better w/ 'em. If I could do it all over again... *sigh*

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 31 March 2012 21:27 posted by Guest

    I am almost in the same boat.: I am almost in the same boat. I lost my mother in January. My husband and I have been in multiple marriage retreats and I feel like it is time to leave. I am not happy and as you said I do not have my mom. He says he is in this marriage 110% and that he wants to try but I just do not see it happening. Our sex life was ZERO. He is military also. He wont sleep with me but he has time to watch porn and masterbate to it and then tells me hes too tired or he has to sex drive. THEN WHY DO YOU WATCH PORN! I did not used to care about the porn but now it is interfering with our sex. I wonder if the occassional once a month sex we have, is he even thinking of me? He is smoking 1 pack a day now. He was a nonsmoker when I married him then he started and quit and started again. I feel like if there is any change it will be for a week and then back to normal. I am tired of trying....

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 31 March 2012 16:48 posted by Guest

    Undecisive about whether to end marriage: My husband and I have been married 16 years and together about 18. During our whole relationship we have had battles about his porn viewing and our sex life has declined significantly, the longer we have been married, and since we became parents, 9 years ago. (Our son is 10, as we adopted him from Russia when he was a year and a half.)

    About a year ago, I discovered him jerking off one night at our desktop computer, which is located in the kitchen, and where our 10 year old son (who has been known to sleep walk) could easily walk in on what he was doing, as I had just done!!

    We sought couples therapy; he told me he would stop the porn and get help for a seemingly low sex drive, since we hardly ever had sex.

    Recently, I discovered that he has been viewing pictures with titles implying that the girls are teens. I also discovered that he has been viewing and printing out erotic literature having to do with stories about incest btwn both a father and daughter, a couple teaching and having sex with their teenage son and daughter (both bi & straight), and lastly, a father watching his daughter have sex with a dog!!! Mind you, the pc is still located in the kitchen, and he was downloading this material while I was either asleep, out of the house, or the last time, was when I was out with a friend he printed this stuff while my son and his friend were at our house!!!

    I documented these files and material with my smart phone, and met with an attorney. She suggested withdrawing at least 50% of our savings, which I put into a cking acct w/ just my name on it. Based on her suggestion, I also took our pc to a forensic company, to image the hard drive and make a copy for me to keep.

    I confronted my husband, who for the first time in our relationship was actually accepting of his actions, contrite, and remorseful. He said he would seek help, and admitted he has a problem w/ porn. We met with our couples therapist, and I have made an appt for us to consult with our son's psychiatrist, as he is ADHD.

    So, I am left with this: do we legally separate, stay in the same house for our son's sake and see if our marriage is repairable, if my husband goes thru treatment? If so, we are essentially living separate lives, so I don't know how we can "work on our marriage", if we are not sleeping , eating and socializing as a family?

    Finally, because of the lack of intimacy, and my husband's unwillingness to do something about his morbid obesity, I have turned off from him and shut down my emotions! I love him and miss any emotional connection, such as him holding me (this whole thing just happened this week, and he has moved into another room to sleep), but I have been thinking about the day my son turns 18, that I want to leave my husband and have my own life!! We have such little intimacy and I don't think we have much in common these days!

    I feel like he ignores me when I talk to him. He always at the frickin' pc, playing endless games for hours, which takes his attention away from me. He says he is too busy to make regular appts to see our therapist!

    So, I just don't know what to do at this point! Our finances also are in bad shape! I only work PT, but am trying to work full-time in the Fall, as I am a teacher Well, I have just written a major entry into what should be in my journal, sorry this is soooo long, but this is it in a nut shell, albeit a LARGE nut shell! I am very confused as what to do.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 30 March 2012 00:10 posted by Guest

    GO NOW! Do not have children: GO NOW! Do not have children with this man. I am in a similar situation, except we have a four year old daughter and can't imagine her bouncing back and forth between our homes. So, we are discussing reconciliation. I really don't know. He is loyal, respectful, intellectual, rational, financially responsible, not very endearing, a little crass and cold, an okay lover, a fabulous father. Why am I even considering staying? For my daughter! Otherwise, I would have divorced 2 years ago! Go now.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 18 March 2012 22:30 posted by Guest

    Why should I stay in this marriage !: I'm 38 years old going thru my second divorce. My husband wouldn't have sex with me. At First I thought it was me. Then I found out he was staying up late watching porno and masturbating himself next to me while I sleep. One night I woke up and confront him why!! Three month later I found out he was talking and texting to younger girls. he said is his fantasy world where he can do and please what he likes. Told can you show me. So, we can work out together. I was so desperate to please him trying to make sure our marriage work. Then he start it arguing with my daughter, at first was weird. Then I ask my daughter was is going on!! She said I saw him mom watching porno in the living room when I woke up one day. I spoke with him how disrespect of him. Then one day I was trying to get a number from his phone and found text from this guy trying to meet with him. And with a nude picture of him. I when blank... I ask him are u guy!! He said no!! I was just playing around. I start it thinking he is getting worse. He promise me he won't do it again he love me. Then one night I woke up again he was masturbating himself watching a video of guys having sex. I said to him enough if u really like man just tell me we both go separate ways. But u not having any intimacy with me is not helping. Then one day he got up and said I'm doing what I like to do and I don't care if u like it or not. At this point no communication no trust why...last month just found some pipe on his car and aging he denied not his. All this time I'm working so hard holding this house and marriage when he doesn't want to be here. I need to move on... I can't believe I still have feeling for him. It's time... I just serve the divorce paper this weekend when he told me I don't have he courage to do it.. Dear husband of mind sorry is over.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 18 March 2012 22:27 posted by Guest

    Why should I stay in this marriage !: I'm 38 years old going thru my second divorce. My husband wouldn't have sex with me. At First I thought it was me. Then I found out he was staying up late watching porno and masturbating himself next to me while I sleep. One night I woke up and confront him why!! Three month later I found out he was talking and texting to younger girls. he said is his fantasy world where he can do and please what he likes. Told can you show me. So, we can work out together. I was so desperate to please him trying to make sure our marriage work. Then he start it arguing with my daughter, at first was weird. Then I ask my daughter was is going on!! She said I saw him mom watching porno in the living room when I woke up one day. I spoke with him how disrespect of him. Then one day I was trying to get a number from his phone and found text from this guy trying to meet with him. And with a nude picture of him. I when blank... I ask him are u guy!! He said no!! I was just playing around. I start it thinking he is getting worse. He promise me he won't do it again he love me. Then one night I woke up again he was masturbating himself watching a video of guys having sex. I said to him enough if u really like man just tell me we both go separate ways. But u not having any intimacy with me is not helping. Then one day he got up and said I'm doing what I like to do and I don't care if u like it or not. At this point no communication no trust why...last month just found some pipe on his car and aging he denied not his. All this time I'm working so hard holding this house and marriage when he doesn't want to be here. I need to move on... I can't believe I still have feeling for him. It's time... I just serve the divorce paper this weekend when he told me I don't have he courage to do it.. Dear husband of mind sorry is over.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 13 March 2012 21:43 posted by Guest

    what kind of dribble is: what kind of dribble is this?? or view on marriage.

    yes of course she should reconsider having children at the moment, but she should also work with her husband on waking him up. he is young and will grow into a proper man. she needs to be honest with him although sometimes talking about it just puts them on defence, so if that doesn't work a threat to leave him (but intend on coming back when he wakes up) men usually wake up pretty fast when it's spelt out. work on the marriage, people do grow up.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 10 March 2012 17:26 posted by Guest

    OMG! Thats got to be the: OMG! Thats got to be the worse ever.. I am soo sorry for you .. most likely that is his child. .. dang men..
    You know.. its terrible when you can not even trust the one you love.. for the one you love will most always lie and hurt you ..
    I hope for the best for you ..

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 10 March 2012 17:18 posted by Guest

    Do you really think .. that: Do you really think .. that even if he did come home,, and yall try to make it work... that you would be able to live with the thought of him sleeping around on you ? He is acting like a child.. that wants the best of both worlds.. you and his freedom.. he has basically spit on your marriage.. and you think its ok to let him do that.. you are actually enabling him with this type of behavior..
    You should stand up for yourself.. and prove to him that your better then that.. and for the most part.. what are you teaching your daughter letting him treat you you like that?? If he is sleeping around.. he could bring something home to you .. that you could die from.. I am sorry if I am blunt.. but .. where is the morals?
    Ask your self ,, do I really think I could live with him.. knowing what you know he is doing .. to you .?? And how could you ever trust him.. again?
    He dont want you to "mess around" because he still wants you .. but he sure dont seem to be having a problem doing that to you .. or your marriage.. If I was you .. I would tell him its over.. and move on hunny.. there are way better men.. then that.. or just be single and date.. =)

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 22 February 2012 12:13 posted by Guest

    I am going through a similar: I am going through a similar situation. My hus. constantly deals with women online. I can't confirm if its ever led to any thing physical, but there are hundreds of women he deals with (pics, texts, phone casks etc. with local women so odds are it HAS been physical). Even after I moved out, the behavior has continued. Our children are so confused and I don't truly want a divorce BUT I know that I have to do it. Our kids (kids of women like me ) have tho learn what is acceptable in a healthy relationship-infidelity is not acceptable, especially from a repeat offender. I am afraid of being lonely and of failing as a parent, but I have to move on. The sooner I do, the sooner I'll be able to redefine what normal really is. Please think about that. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother which I know has added who much additional stress to your already crappy situation.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 21 February 2012 14:20 posted by Guest

    HI- I 'm so sorry to hear: HI- I 'm so sorry to hear your story - I know exactly how you feel - I'm going through almost the same thing - cheating husband....we have a 2 year old. I just want to encourage you, to stay focused -I know it's hard.

  • Comment Link soserene Thursday, 16 February 2012 16:00 posted by soserene

    SNAKE!!!: I can relate in the fact that he does not feel he is wrong. Men think with the little head and move on. Your heart is breaking, and he is like, " oh, well, accept it or not." I have lived with someone like this for the last 18 years because of the kids. I am the poster child for stupid. We do not have sex and I don't care. Plates of food in his car from some floozy. Good, feed him, keeps me from having to! He hides his phone. We never talk. We don't talk, touch, etc. All he has out of his mouth is insults for me, but he'll compliment a crackhead! I will never trust him as long as I live! He'll say he's not cheating anymore--well I guess not -- right at this second! I am sleeping with the enemy!!!

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 15 February 2012 06:28 posted by Guest

    Unsure: My husband and I have been married 9 1/2 years. Together for 12. We've done two deployments. We have 4 kids. We are stationed overseas. While I was home visiting my dying mother I found out last deployment he was having sex with another soldier. He admitted this to me via Skype. He was telling everyone in Iraq we were divorcing yada yada. I came home. Very angry. I gave him hell. Two weeks later on my birthday my mother died. We as a family flew home. It was an roller coaster month. I did make him tell my dad what he had done, my dad is a big guy im a daddys girl. We come back start marriage counseling which was a joke. Some days I have good days others not so good I've been in and out of the doctors with depression pills, sleeping issues (nightmares), and std checks because I'll be damned if he is giving me something. We are not having sex. Communication is low. I yell at him via texts a Lot. I'm not happy. Oh did I mention the chick he was sleeping with was sleeping with13 other guys and befriended me when she got home. I watched her kid and was her family care plan. Neither of them had problems facing me. I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. I detest him. He says he is trying. I'm miserable. I've sat in a parking lot of a store crying because I don't let it out at home. I can't financially afford to leave him. Staying for the kids isn't right but I feel like that's what I'm doing right now. He claims he doesn't know why he did it. And he loves me. Whatever. I don't trust him. I don't want his woe is me crap. I have no one to talk to tht can relate. I don't have my mom to comfort me. I'm at a loss.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 14 February 2012 00:14 posted by Guest

    If my husband did that to me,: If my husband did that to me, I would be putting a plan
    in place to ensure there was money for the things my daughter
    needed (including counselling which she may need), and i
    would be heading to a lawyer to find out what my rights are
    And start the process. For sure no matter what, i would be keeping
    A VERY detailed journal with dates and times. Your hubby
    Seems so selfish to me. I wouldnt even consider staying,
    especially with a 12 year old daughter around. When my daughter
    Was that age she watched everything we did... More than we
    Thought at the time. I wouldnt want for my daughter to grow
    Up thinking that its okay for a man treat her like that. We owe
    It to our daughters to show them that it ISNT okay for men
    To treat women like this and to disrespect us in those kinds of ways.
    (And i personally wouldnt stand for it. I have too much self respect for that)
    It wouldnt be good as mothers to allow our sons to think for
    A second that this sort of behaviour is something that us women
    Will tolerate.
    Thats just my opinion, each of us would form their own opinions.
    Good luck

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 12 February 2012 21:10 posted by Guest

    What are the signs pointing to?: Thank you for reading my post and replying to me. What are the signs pointing to? I mean, is this how my life and relationship with him will always be? Is it not that I'm doing something wrong as a wife?

    I guess I'm so leery of walking away because of the "grass is always greener" effect. My marriage certainly isn't what I thought or hoped it would be but what if I romanticized marriage so much that there's no way it could have lived up to those expectations to begin with? If that were the case, I'd be walking away in continued search of something that possibly doesn't exist and then I would always be unhappy or alone and I might/would regret my decision to leave now.

    How do I know when to go? Does the mere fact that I'm thinking of divorce mean I should get one? I wish someone could just list the facts and have them be just that and then have the answer. Every commercial or movie or book or song I see or hear seems to point me in one direction or the other. I wish I could see the future, or that the answer would just appear, or that God could somehow directly tell me what He wants me to do.

    If we stay together, I think he would be so ripped apart emotionally from not being able to provide for/support me. He's my friend but not my respected confidant and that used to be enough for him but I sense that he is starting to feel that lack of connection. If I leave, I don't think he would have anything. How do I figure this out and make sure everyone is okay?

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 11 February 2012 21:18 posted by Guest

    oh my goodness, see the: oh my goodness, see the signs. run... before you start to have kids or get more involved. seriously, all the signs point to you both not being together. its hard, and i am sure you love him, but if you are questioning it now....get out while its just he two of you.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 07 February 2012 22:35 posted by Guest

    Should I or Shouldn't I: My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We got married at age 22 and have been married for 5 years. We don't have children. Some things have happened during the course of our marriage that make me question whether we should stay together; the main issue being that I am very goal oriented and driven and he is not. He works at a job that he's not passionate about and doesn't express any interest in doing anything about it when I mention it to him.

    He doesn't have any long term goals. During the purchase of our home, he sat back and didn't have any input. When I mentioned that I was at the point where I wanted to start thinking about kids, he wasn't really for it or against it. There's no passion and very limited intimacy in our relationship maybe because I work a lot and spend a lot of time out of town??? When I'm home, we talk about our day and watch TV together which is pleasant. However, it often feels like I have a roommate and not a husband.

    Because of his lack of interest, I've stopped asking his opinion on things and inviting him to my work events - he's always said no in the past. I've discussed this with him multiple times and we've gone to counseling in the past but we can't seem to get past this. I think my drive is overwhelming him but I don't want to give up on my goals - he knew them before we got married and, because of that, I don't think it's fair for him to expect me to do so. On the contrary, I think he was attracted to me because of my drive but underestimated how much I would need his help to keep me going.

    I think my need to reach certain goals in my life is overwhelming for him and maybe even suffocating him but I know that I want a house, a child (or more), and the ability to provide anything to my child. I have noticed that, over the years, his personal hygiene has deteriorated and he doesn't try to dress appropriately for work. This places an added stress on me as people have asked me why I don't make sure he is dressed in clean and pressed clothes - something I resent as I think he should be able to dress himself. I wonder if he were more passionate about his job if this issue would fix itself. However, I've asked him to look for other jobs he finds interesting and he refuses.

    I've confided in an older friend of mine who has mentioned that she thought I out-grew him years ago and thinks I should get a divorce. He is a nice person and I love him but I don't think I am passionately in love with him. I would miss his presence when at home but I don't often think of him when I'm away. I would be sad to get a divorce and lose a friend. The question is, is that feeling enough to stay married to him? Or, is my marriage so lacking that I should ask for a divorce?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 19 January 2012 17:10 posted by Guest

    My husband and I have been: My husband and I have been married for 23 yrs. We have 6 beautiful children 2 of which still live at home as they are only 12. My husbands job takes him away from home aboit 3 weeks of every month. I am grateful that he has a job and one that he likes. He is home on the weekends, but when he's here physically he's not emotionally. Our children love him very much but refuse to listen to him. They dont see him as an authority figure. And this makes him angry I love him bu( which I understand... sometimes ) The thing is when hes gone and calls it's all about him, he never asks about us or wants to talk to our children. When I bring them up or talk about my day, all of a sudden he has to go. When he finally walks thru the door he acts like everything is fine. I have tried so many times to talk to him, but he wont hear me. I have tried telling him how I feel then walking away so he can think about what I said, but all that gets me is him pretending I never said anything. He thinks sex fixes everything. And if Im to upset it ticks him off. I am 100% sure he's npt cheating on me. I know this because he works with someone who he hates and that person would tell me just for the pleasure of pissing him off. He sees that Im hurting but doesnt seem to care. Everything has to be all about him all the time. I had to have a surgery and he went out of town instead of taking me there or picking me up. A froend had to do that. When he came home he didnt take care of me instead he made up an excuse to go to him mpthers. He took one of our children with him the other stayed with me she tried to call he father that I was really sick but he never answered the phone.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 15 January 2012 16:56 posted by Guest

    Divorce: First pray about it. Secondly you have to go with your heart and do whats best for you in the end. Some people feel like a divorce is never and option to a certain extent thats true on the other hand you have to real with yourself. If im not mistaking you guys dont have any children. So, at least your only making the decision for you and your future..

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 11 January 2012 16:45 posted by Guest

    Confused and not sure what to do...: Before marrying my husband (who is 25-I am 22) I knew him for almost 9 years before we started talking seriously about a relationship. We pretty much did everything all backwards. He was deployed in Afghanistan when we became a couple. We always had a strong connection with eachother before he even joined the military (his sister was one of my best friends in highschool). I had previously also supported him while he was going through his first deployment in Iraq. He had 15 days of R&R he took last October from Afghanistan and came home and everything was great (how could it not be). He didn't get out of Afghanistan until May 2011 and came home for 30 days in June, we got engaged, and married a week later. We had to weigh our options because he was stationed in Germany for 5 more months and then would be moving to Colorado. If I wanted to live with him on-post we had to be married. He left in July and came back for 15 days in August because I was unable to visit in Germnay like planned because of a knee injury. In August while he was home things seemed different already...they also did before when he made it back to Germany. We talked about it and I thought things would get better. He had a tendency to lie...about really stupid things but all the time. He also seemed to be taking me fore granted now and always got extremely upset when I talked to him about things. I was trying to figure out everything I needed to do to move with him and he already seemed checked out. It felt like he wanted the best of both worlds...having someone who cared unconditionally but not having to have responsibilities back. It was getting really bad when one day I flat out told him if he didn't stop lying I would leave him. You would think this would be an eye opener but it wasn't. 4 days after Thanksgiving I told him I couldn't do it anymore and thought maybe we should get a divorce. The strange thing was that unlike any other time I said things to him, this time he was more calm than he ever had been. He came home for 21 days this December and I wanted to talk to him about things which he said he wanted to also. It was disastrous. Every time I saw him he was preoccupied but when I wasnt with him he was very nasty to me over the phone and via text. Over New Years he called and said he needed help (he was beligerently drunk) so a friend and I went to pick him up because we were both sober. His mother and her boyfriend were attacking him (they were both beligerently drunk and are both alcoholics). Her boyfriend trying to choke him and his friend was trying to keep them away from him. Eventually we got him away but he was still rampant. This was 5 days before he was leaving for Colorado. Then all of the sudden he seemed to care and actually give a you know what about our relationship and that it was falling to pieces. He made more attempts to see me but being that he was leaving Friday it was difficult. I dont really know what to do because now he is completely hell-bent on fixing things and himself and making things work. I already filed for divorce and there is now a 90 day period before its final once he signs. It seems like he is making an effort now and actually seems broken up about it. I still dont know what to do though. I gave him every opportunity out there and then right before he leaves he cares. I am not really sure what to do because I didn't file for divorce because I don't love him anymore, I filed because he seemed like he already checked out and by doing it I was doing him a favor because he didnt have the guts to. It definitely felt like that even more when he was home. Now I am not sure if I should beleive that he will change or if things will go right back to the way they were if we work things out. We are now across the country and school is starting in less than a week also. I dont know really how to deal with this. I have my guard up so high now because of how he treated me and now I dont know if things really can change. His toxic relationship with his mother also worries me because no matter how awful and nasty she and her boyfriend are to him-she acts like it never happend (some she may not remember because of being beligerently drunk) and he lets it continue to happen over and over. I need advice!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 29 December 2011 14:41 posted by Guest

    Hello, it sounds that you: Hello, it sounds that you both need to come together for a "game plan", outline the goals for the next yr, the next 5 yrs.

    If he needs your support for "x" amount of time, that sounds reasonable if you both agree. A degree may take more time to achieve then 1 yr depending on prior schooling. Important to re-evaluate periodically to see if you and he are still in agreement. BOth need to demonstrate interest in the marriage, which is why i am proposing "a game plan" be developed, so neither feels cheated. Perhaps you can put forth something you want after his schooling.

    Distance/travel is very difficult. Wonder if moving back to S. Africa & for him to attend school locally there and you to work locally, spend free time together to nourish your new marriage, may be an option?? Certainly would incur an expense, moving, but in the long run of saving your marriage, this may be best bet?

    My spouse and i married in our mid/late 30's w/bands only, with a marriage officiate and 2 witnesses (my mom, his sister). I hadn't cared about the incidentals of things, i wanted to be his, and him to be mine. What i found is that Marriage is HARD work, and definitely has its ups and downs. He lied to me about some things, and for several yrs has been a student, and just recently resumed full time employment (i have been the "bread winner"); he still hasn't finished his degree. I have found him to sometimes be emotionally immature, but am seeing i can be too. We are working through some difficult issues.

    Finally got the diamond, 4 yrs later, b/c of money he legitimately came into although hadn't saved and scrimped himself (which would have proven sacrifice to me, a value in marriage i think is essential to employ at times). However, he saw to it that we went together to purchase, and he insisted on bigger then what i was satisfied with.

    It doesn't sound that you have a personal relationship w/the Lord(Jesus), and that puts things into a new perspective, to know that someone loves you more then any spouse EVER could. Spouses are to be helpmates, but not the be-all-end-all. Pick up the Bible and start reading the New Testament, read the Book of John. Pray about this, that the Lord will reveal himself to you. This may sound corny, all this spiritual reference, but something greater then ourselves is out there, there is evidence all around us about intelligent design, and it is our CHOICE to seek out the the truth. It says "Keep asking, and it will be given to you. Keep searching, and you will find. Keep knocking, and the door will be opened for you" (Matthew 7:7). Search Him out the one who loves us most of all. Blessings to you, Kim

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 06 December 2011 09:47 posted by Guest

    No, you should file for divorce: He will always sleep around on you if you let him. This relationship has no hope until he realizes what he has or will loose. But in no way make it easy for him if he tries to come back SERIOUSLY... push him away! This process could take several years. So go on with your life. Steve.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 04 December 2011 10:22 posted by Guest

    Hope: We have been married for 17 yrs. and have a beautiful 12 yr old daughter. 15 months ago my husband told me he loved me but wasn't in love with me. I went through a tailspin. I begged and pleaded. It was chaos. Fast forward: he moved our 4 month ago after I discovered an affair. He sme around 3 weeks ago saying he wanted to work things out only to Back off again a week ago. He says he's not ready to give up his freedom just yet. He wants to come and go as he pleases, include dating other people. I said fine lets get a divorce then. Heat he doesn't know if he wants a divorce. He wants to wait and see what he really wants. I said fine. My life will go in too and he got upset. He doesn't want me to sleep around and become something I am not. I don't know what to do. Should I file for divorce. Even after everything that has happened I still want to save my marriage, but it takes two people to do it.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 13 November 2011 08:54 posted by Guest

    no connection or attraction: Just found this website and read ur post. I am in the same boat but have felt guilty about actually saying exactly what u said in ur post out loud. I have one in college and the other one graduating high school in may. Everyday I wake up thinking that I need to do something before I waste anymore time. But, I am also a Christian who has grown up with the desire to have a traditional family lifestyle, if nothing more than just for the sake of my children and future grandchildren. I am 51 and hate that this nonconnected feeling and shudder with every thought of sex is as good ad it will ever get for me. Essentially my life is over and I still have alot of life to live. My story started on my honeymoon night when I realized "what I had just done" while on the way to the hotell.

    I would love to talk to u more. Nice to know Im not the only one out there!


  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 02 November 2011 09:43 posted by Guest

    Congrats!: You are one of the first women on here that has accepted the reality which is marriage and are willing to move on with your life. This is far more common than I think most women believe it is, and I congratulate you on making the transition. There's a better life out there for you. Good luck! Steve

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 01 November 2011 17:01 posted by Guest

    This happens....: It's normal for couples like yourself to end up in this place. Many fall in love with the idea of marriage, not to say you did, but many do. It's a wake up call when marriage isn't what they expect it to be. Feelings change with time, and eventually you grow apart. It happens to almost everyone. Better get used to it.


  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 29 October 2011 06:31 posted by Guest

    Is it normal?: I am 25 and got married rather naively. My husband and I have been together for a little under 4 years, and have lived together for most of that time.
    He is Polish but grew up in Germany and I am South African, and grew up in South Africa.
    We met via work since we both travel extensively and I still do. He however, has changed fields and is currently studying. Forcing me to be the breadwinner, which is something that has caused a lot of resentment for me, since this was never discussed and rather just assumed. What angers me is no matter how I approach this, we have a massive fight and then he continues within hours as if nothing has happened, we are left once again without a real discussion or a real solution. My husband is also a 'surface guy' as mentioned above. Easy to talk to about many frivolous things but to be honest when I look at it, I have no idea what is going on in his head after 4 years together. I do not know why I never saw it before and can really only put it down to the fact that I spend a lot of time running off to the airport and hopping in a plane, I knew there were problems but nothing worth really worrying about…or so I thought.

    We got married in July of this year…or rather we eloped…my family being in South Africa and needing visa's etc proved too time consuming and financially impossible. So with my families blessing we got married. Without the knowledge of his however! This I felt was a mistake but it was his choice after all. This was not the only mistake I saw then and there, we ran off and got married within days, no ring, no dress, no fuss no nothing. With a promise of a simple band to follow. None of the material things really mattered, I feel this is a right of passage for every girl. Not necessarily a massive lavish ceremony, but a small symbol of your commitment, love and marriage to one another. There is no ring to date and I am sour about it, fuming actually, not because I do not have a diamond, this is not necessary, but because it feels as though he cannot even be bothered to put a ring on my finger which is the only thing I needed throughout this. However… When we broke the news they were ecstatic, on the surface. His mother is considering divorce to her third husband and has been until now less than enthusiastic about it. This is not a feeling in case you are thinking that, I did actually muster up the courage to ask, to try and fix it. Her attitude has very recently changed but I find myself completely withdrawn from her now. I cannot rectify this within myself. Her reason for being upset is that of course she was not included and what would the family think when she told them there is no wedding…they are traditional Catholic Polish. At a recent family wedding on his side I was asked countless times where my ring was ( I found myself lying and saying it was being resized), where are the pictures, there is not even one and why did we not have a celebration. Because this feels like hell and not a reason to celebrate is what I wanted to scream!

    Along with this came the realisation that I have to give my life in South Africa up. Since I spend most of my time in Europe, this had already started happening naturally. But I guess this is what denial is called. You assume you will go back one day. In my case it is now obvious I will not. Life in Germany is not easy, the people are not as warm and open and social as South Africans and the language barrier is also another factor. I have started taking courses however, so this should be fixed relatively soon. Since I travel I do not have time to build, nurture and maintain new friendships. And with an often unpredictable schedule I find myself cancelling plans often. So as you can see, not good friend material at the moment.

    The rate at which our relationship has deteriorated is shocking. I find myself bickering and fighting daily. He has become too lazy to put his coffee cup in the dishwasher, we have no social life and spend our time on the couch but not even connecting, we are both on two different laptops working or studying or however. I have no want for sex and find myself sitting and crying without words to describe what is causing this. We were great only 6 months ago. Happy, busy, working towards our dreams, still insanely attractive to one another. Sex was great, intimacy was great, loud laughter was a normal in our house…we were the couple everyone complimented, we were fun and we had fun together. We were so happy!

    So I assume it is pretty clear I got married without thinking, or rather ignored my thoughts, since as the marriage official asked us if we understood the seriousness of our vows, my thought was 'maybe this is a too quick!' But I refuse to walk away after less than 6 months of marriage. The feelings within me become worse and worse almost daily towards him and the pretence that we are fine even within our own 4 walls is driving me to cracking point.

    My mom is a single mother for the best part of 24 years and I honestly have no idea how to look at this. And no idea how to tackle this. I have nothing to compare this to.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 25 October 2011 17:35 posted by Guest

    @ Regret and going thru the same ---: I'm with the both of u. I've been with my husband for 19 years (married for 14) have one child going to college in 2012 and an 11 yr old. It's been 7 months since I found out about his 16 yr infidelity and I was so confused about what to do, it's SLOWLY becoming clearer and clearer that I need to go NOW. I'm 38, not getting any younger. I still have a lot to give to the RIGHT person and I truly truly truly feel I will be a better person on my own; happier, healthier, more satisfied with myself, BRAVE, plus what kind of roll-model am I being for my kids. I never what them to think they have to be with a bad spouse just because Mom stuck it out.

    Best of luck ladies. We are stronger apart from those who want to make us weak.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 20 October 2011 09:44 posted by Guest

    Cheating Husband: I am about to celebrate my 5 year wedding anniversary. Right after we were married my husband started getting phone calls from this girl. Not all the time just every now and then. He always blammed it as she was calling for this guy who worked for us. Now fast forward 4 years and I find out he was really seeing her. He told me they only had sex once and before that they were just friends. I looked her up on facebook and she has a child that looks just like my two kids. I kept questioning the paternity but everyone has denied it. My husband went out with some friends the other night (or so I thought) it came out later he went and met her because now he wonders if its his kid. They have both agreed to do a paternity test. Somehow trying to forgive a affair was a lot easier then being hit with the reality that he might have another child . Im pretty sure I dont have any other option but divorce. He keeps telling me she ment nothing, but 4 years hes kept in contact with her I find that hard to belive!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 19 September 2011 14:02 posted by Guest

    I am going thru the same...I: I am going thru the same...I felt so isolated and alone until I saw your post. I too have school age children and want so badly to wait until they go to college to get divorced, but I don't think I can make it. I have been angry most of our entire marriage (19 years)...would love to correspond with you if your up to it.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 01 September 2011 23:38 posted by Guest

    outsiders view?: HI. I have been married for almost 9 yrs, we've been together most of our adult lives, we dont have children but i have been a housewife since we moved cross country and bought a home 8 yrs ago. I thought we had the perfect marraige after my husband stopped drinking 5 yrs ago and the fighting stopped(both physical and verbal) we literally didnt even argue/fight for the last 5 yrs. Recently we stopped smoking(both of us after 20+ yrs of it) and we quit usuing chantix which could bring hostility and mood swings. About 1 1/2 mo into it we had a HUGE ugly fight- he said horrible things, even mentioned going to drink- all over 'nothing' was horrible, i thought i have no choice but to leave him, he said the same.....then of course he apologized begged for forgiveness, said he went crazy and mustve been the chantix. I moved on...less then a month later it happened again, same occurance- 'nothing serious' but so much hatred towards me- i thought to myself i HAVE to leave him..he apologized , said he went crazy, blah blah blah. Well, its a month later- and its happened again. So, in my mind Im thinking wow-really?, strike 3-your OUT!, but reality is... I'm 37 yrs old, i havent worked in 8 yrs, and the skills i had almost a decade ago are obsolete now. I would be entereing into min. wage jobs, or close to it, i couldnt go anywhere, let alone support myself. NOw what do i do? IM sure he will apologize again tomorrow...or maybe even later tonight- but i cant help but think i am prolonging the inevitable :( i really thought we had a great marraige up until a little while ago, we both use to say how strong it is and how we see alot of our friends around us fight, ect.. and we dont have that. We havent tried counseling yet, as a married couple (we went yrs prior to getting married - that didnt work out to good)he's very closed minded and stubborn. I could keep writting all the things that are sure signs that we probably shouldnt be together but im not sure if theres enough space here, or if im just being a baby about it? He is a GREAT provider, he just really sucks at communicating- tonite he actually told me' maybe its time i go get a job so i could Then hold the right to 'bitch' around here'............................Really?

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 28 August 2011 20:08 posted by Guest

    I found out my husband had: I found out my husband had been having a relationship with a women by talking on the phone and text and videos etc. He had been doing this the whole time we where dating and married. One night he forgot his phone when he went to work and she sent him a video and i saw it. I was eight months pregnant with our son. I confronted him and he said he would stop and we changed his number i forgave him thought things where good and three months after my son was born I found out from his friend he was still in contact with her via my space and Facebook. I asked him and he lied to my face. He finally came to me and told me he had ended it once and for all. I wanted to believe him because i love him and my son. I have tried to trust him then in July we were out hunting and my son went to sleep so i went back to the truck and he had a message I thought it was his mom so i looked and it was her. I asked why he did it he said he didn't know. I feel like its all my fault and i should have seen it.

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 28 August 2011 20:00 posted by Guest

    You must get out: why did you marry him, and better yet, why did you have children with him? You must leave for your own sanity. Steve

  • Comment Link Guest Sunday, 28 August 2011 10:33 posted by Guest

    Lived with regret for 20 years: I have been married for over 20 years to a man that I have never "connected" to or been attracted to. He is a kind person, the type that everybody "knows"' but no one really knows one thing about him...he stays on the surface and talks about business and sports, makes stupid jokes, etc.

    I took some time off and thus had time to think. I do not want to live the rest of my life like this.

    I have always held traditional, Christian values and have stayed married for all the wrong reasons.

    Is my happiness a good reason for divorce? We have school age children, and I don't want to wait until they are in college.

    I have lived with regret since I walked down the aisle. I have been angry about it for too long.

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 August 2011 21:43 posted by Guest

    what more do you need to: what more do you need to know? you just told us how unhappy you are, so why are you staying? It won't magically get better. If the feelings are gone, rekindling them will be next to impossible. My suggestion would be to sit him down and tell him face to face. Just tell him you are struggling with your relationship and are feeling frustrated and angry all the time. He will probably understand, and at that time you can decide to part ways. Don't allow life to pass you by, if you're unhappy, don't be afraid, just change it! Steve

  • Comment Link Guest Saturday, 20 August 2011 14:13 posted by Guest

    Is it time to go?: Hi...I am looking for advice.
    My husband and I were married three years ago. We have a daughter who is about to turn three. About a year ago I seriously started to feel suffocated by our marriage. We are just very different people with very different goals and dreams. I feel guilty about leaving since he moved to Michigan for me and now...I just don't want to be married to him anymore. We rarely have sex since I just don't like the thought of it and he has told me how frustrating that is for him. Whenever he asks for sex now it just makes me angry.
    Should I put my own happiness first? He doesn't hit me, drink or do drugs but I just really don't want to be married to him any longer. I am just angry all the time and feel like I married a five-year old.
    Please help me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 18 August 2011 18:53 posted by Guest

    For the simple fact that you're here: Are you looking for confirmation to end your marriage. You and I both know it's already over, you just have to deal with it, and the sooner the better. Asking the question just means you've already made up you mind. Your heart is not in this relationship just by the simple fact that you don't want to have kids with her. It's over dude, tell her, and find the cleanest break for both of you. You need to get on with your life, and so does she. So do so.

    Good luck!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 18 August 2011 12:10 posted by Guest

    Divorce or not??: Been married for one year (8 years total both 28) and I am thinking about divorce. Were a normal couple (no financial issues, addictions) however I started having these feelings about a month ago. We got into a fight after her grandma's memorial ( she died on 7-4-11 was cremated 3 weeks later, was at the hospital 6-8 hours a day for 4 days) After the memorial (stayed the entire time, she treated me like crap while there) I left and went on an annual family trip to go camping much to her dislike for one night. She told me she resents me for leaving and resents me for waiting to marry her (was in school for a while and not ready to commit) Ever since then I have had the feelings. I went out to the bar with my sister for the first time (19 in Canada, main reason I wanted to go, not to get wasted) and some other family. We got back later on and sat by the camp fire with other family members. The entire time I was enjoying my time and not thinking about my wife. I was thinking about my relationship. Some of the things I thought about were the same issues (my father) voiced his concerned about (over that weekend). There are other things (he doesn’t know about) I was thinking of. She is a daddy’s girl meaning they talk 4-5 times a day (call to say good night), she will tell him what’s wrong then later not want to tell me about things. Won’t listen to me but will to him (his advice). Thinks I can do nothing right (only she can). When it come up she takes shots at my parents parenting skill (and family) (although not the best, says comments) while her parents (especially her dad) does no wrong. She thinks cause I am from a small town we are all stupid (told me to go get my little “town” lawyer during an argument). I am torn I thought deep down we would never be married for the rest of our lives also different religons). Now she wants a child and the only way is to get treatment (iui, ifv) now I think I don’t want one with her or spend the money. I am now going back and forth weather to stay or divorce. Any advice? COUNSILING WILL NOT WORK she was a therapist and says she knows the methods they use.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 16 August 2011 11:02 posted by Guest

    This always happens... your: This always happens... your relationship becomes dull and boring. That initial spark wears off, and you see each other more as roommates than anything else. Then one day you go out for a drink with a friend and old feelings raise your blood pressure and immediately you look down on your marriage. I get it. Been there myself. Before you jump ship though, remember the feelings you currently feel for your husband, you will soon feel for this new person. It's a cycle, one that you can't control. If you are not happy in your current relationship before you met this guy, then my suggestion would be to end it and move on with your life. No one should go through life that way. Success in life isn't built on money, it's foundation is happiness. Being and staying happy throughout your life should be your only goal, so make that your priority. Good luck!

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 15 August 2011 13:59 posted by Guest

    so hard to decide: My husband and I will celebrate our 5 year anniversary next week but I don't think we will make it much longer than that. I recently had dinner with an old boyfriend from high school. My husband knew I was going and I went only to catch up with an old friend but something happened. He was amazing and fun and we had the same spark we had back in high school.

    I have no plans of cheating on my husband and I'm not even sure I will talk to this guy again but what that dinner did was remind me what it is like to be happy and feel special. Our marriage has been dull and unhappy for a few years but I told myself it was just because we were so busy with building our family and buying and fixing up houses.

    Now that I think more clearly though, I feel like my husband hasn't cared much about me for several years now. I used to try to work on things, tell him how I feel and what I need but it never helped things, never made anything change, and never even made my husband pretend to care or try for even a day. I think I am past the point of trying to fix things.

    Now though I am left with figuring out what to do next. We have 2 biological kids, 3 and 5 year old boys, a 16 year old girl we adopted through foster care, and a 9 year old boy through foster care. I have also been a stay at home mom for almost 5 years with no real income other than foster care and no retirment savings. This is really the only things holding me back at this point! I need to truely realize that me being happy is important and I need someone who is putting in as much effort as I used to and would in another relationship.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 11 August 2011 16:42 posted by Guest

    That is terrific news. I: That is terrific news. I wish you all the best, and only happiness in your future!

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 11 August 2011 09:45 posted by Guest

    Thank you. I made an: Thank you. I made an appointment with the divorce lawyer today.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 August 2011 16:31 posted by Guest

    You are doing the right thing: Please do yourself a favour and make this divorce final. Close this chapter of your life and start a new one, don't dwindle on the past. I know you probably still have feelings for him, but he will never change. He's probably even cheating on this other girl, so don't allow this loser to take up any more of your time.

  • Comment Link Guest Monday, 08 August 2011 12:00 posted by Guest

    In June of 2010 I found out: In June of 2010 I found out that my husband was having an affair. He was coming home late every night and I found an extra cell phone that he had purchased. I decided to stay in the marriage. I was hoping that the affair was over. I went through severe depression and had to take Ambien to sleep. In December of the same year, his girlfriend came to our home at 4:00am in the morning looking for him. She was very agressive and the police had to be called. I will also let you know that my husband is a police officer. I tried so hard to make my marriage work, but decided to move out in March of 2011. Soon after I moved out my husband tried to reconcile with me, although still having a relationship with his girlfriend. It is now August and he and I barely speak anymore. For some reason, I am afraid to file for divorce. I did file in February but he refused to sign the papers and he then initiated the 2nd divorce attempt but didnt follow thru as well. I just want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. We have no children.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 July 2011 14:34 posted by Guest

    It seems the only reason you: It seems the only reason you stayed as long as you did was for your children. Now that they are grown up, you realize you no longer have anything in common with your husband. I see this all the time with my friends. They devote all their attention to their children and always put their marriage second (just check facebook profiles). One day they to will realize that when the kids are old enough to move out, what will they have left? I get it, children are a huge responsibility and the most important part of your life, but so is your marriage. If you can't keep it alive while your children grow up, just get out, regardless of what age your children are. Don't wait till the end to make that decision.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 21 July 2011 06:54 posted by Guest

    I have been married for 18: I have been married for 18 years, but just do not feel the same towards my husband any longer. The spark has gone. We have two children and I worry that they are or will suffer if I do decide to divorce. How on earth does one know when its time to throw in the towel? My husband is just not the man I married, as I am sure that I am not the girl he married, we all change. We have no communication and when we do talk he constantly puts me down, and nothing I do is ever good enough. I also feel that I do not want to put the effort in any longer..... help.

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 13 July 2011 21:58 posted by Guest

    He's 21. Which means he has: He's 21. Which means he has the mentality of a 19 yr old. him checking out girls should b the first thing that's too much, that's disrespectful. From what you say he doesn't want to settle down. Settling down doesn't mean go out wit your friends all day everyday; if he wants to make it work he will go to counseling, if he doesn't, let him go.!!!! U don't want to spend your time wasted.

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 12 July 2011 14:57 posted by Guest

    you guys are way too young to: you guys are way too young to have a family or a relationship for that matter. He has not yet settled down, and I don't blame him. Time you or he packed his bags and moved on to greener pastures. Counseling won't fix this. Move on. Steve

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 12 July 2011 14:54 posted by Guest

    now you know what it is like: now you know what it is like to be a man. sucks eh?

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 07 July 2011 16:50 posted by Guest

    2years: We had our daughter and three months after she was here he changed. He started checking out other females in front of me, not doing anything with me, he let some other female take his wedding band, and it just goes on and on. He has even told me i needed to go to the gym and walk more often. Im beginning to wonder if i still love him. I dropped everything for him. I got out of the miltary to be with him. He wont go to counseling and he says that he loves me but hes not in love with me. When i tried to leave him he apologized and said he would go to counseling and everything else. He still hasnt went to counseling and he didnt change for very long. Is it normal for a 21 yr old male to want to things only with his male friends and not his family? How do you know when its the end?

  • Comment Link Guest Tuesday, 05 July 2011 21:48 posted by Guest

    It sounds like my: It sounds like my relationship and I share your frustration. I think my husband is very comfortable staying home watching TV while I manage the house and the kids. He thinks that by cleaning and mowing the grass he is doing his part... the true it that I am expecting more from him and I want us to save for our future - which it does not exist for him.
    I am trying to decide if I should leave or how to kick him out without too much drama - I am tired and need a break to think things clearly.
    People have advised me t talk to him, but I have and he is not doing anything about it... I think it is time, for me.

  • Comment Link Guest Friday, 01 July 2011 13:32 posted by Guest

    I think it is over: I have nothing in common with my husband of 25 years. For the past 5 years, he has had employment problems (laid off / fired etc) and as a result, we are deep in debt. He will not deal with the finances - always says I'm bring him "down" and he doesn't want to talk about it then. I ask him to pick a time to talk about them - he hesitantly does - but when that time comes - he says that he's too tired - too busy - something... leaving me the stress of looking at our bank accounts and bills on a daily basis. He has no idea of our finances and doesn't want any part of it.

    I work, do the housework, laundry, hand ALL the finances. He loads the dishwasher and cleans the kitchen everynight. If it weren't for our 3 kids - I would have left a few years ago. Now, I'm counting the days till my youngest heads to college.

    HELP - do I wait - do I divorce now - although I don't think we have the money to do it now...

  • Comment Link Guest Wednesday, 01 June 2011 11:25 posted by Guest

    I agree that it sounds like: I agree that it sounds like you need to get out to protect yourself and your daughter. Anyone abusing drugs or alcohol isn't capable of loving another person in a healthy way. Unfortunately, they are also incapable of choosing you over the substance. Substance abuse is also only the tip of the ice-berg and someone with an addiction problem will need to conquer not only that issue but the issues causing the addiciton problem before being ready to be a part of any normal relationship.

    It sounds like you may be putting yourself in a dangerous situation exposing yourself and your daughter to his lifestyle too. I hope that you are able to get away from this person and build a healthy and beautiful life.

  • Comment Link Guest Thursday, 26 May 2011 18:02 posted by Guest

    Divorce inevitable: I have strong feelings for my husband, I love him and we have fun together still. But he drinks and does drugs and I cannot continue to have him be remorseful when he's hung over, pledge to stop, take actions to make things good, and then be fun and sweet and all the things I fell in love with and still love about him. Only for him to start all over. Nit picking around the house about little things, finding reasons to start an argument or create tension, start in on the name calling, then start going to his buddies houses every single night, the after doing that for a week, go to the bar, buy drugs and stay out and not answer his phone and not come home. The next day he accuses me of ruining his life when I want a divorce and that I only wanted him for his money 'just like everyone said'. What money?

    It's a cycle and I have to stop sitting on this merry go round. I have to get off to protect myself and the daughter I am about to give birth to in 6 weeks.