When I found out my parents were getting a divorce, I was relieved. For some reason, I knew this was a step in the right direction for both my parents; what I didn't know was the difficult half-decade battle would overshadow my life. Graduating only a few days ago, I am now back in my house, living in the bedroom I grew up in. It's hard enough to move back after you have tasted the freedom of college, but what makes it even worse is that I am now an adult, trapped in a house with a constant tone of anxiety looming from my parent's divorce. It's hard to make a new start in a home that constantly reminds you of the past.
Since my parent's divorce, I have had to make significant changes in my own life. I juggle relationships with both parents, while I often feel like a pawn in their divorce game. Instead of having the luxury of my parent's assisting me in my first apartment, they have squandered a copious amount of money on lawyer's fees. Everyday is a struggle. Your mom says, "ask your father", and your father says, "ask your mother". All the small things that get to you eventually snowball, creating anger and emotions you never thought you had in you. The hardest part is not letting it spill over into your life — snapping at friends, letting your grades drop, even gaining weight because you don't have the energy to exercise.
In all cases my world has been turned upside-down for a reason that didn't even involve me in the first place. It can be very difficult not to resent, or even hate, your parents for making you feel so abandoned. They forget that, just because you act like an adult and you pretend to be strong because you are sick of crying, you are still a child on the inside, looking for reassurance and comfort.
They forget what it feels like to be 21 without a plan and have no idea where you are going in life, and then they get angry when you flee the country to study abroad because you are avoiding "your problems". But in fact, they are not my problems. I didn't ask to be born into this dysfunctional family. The best thing I can do for myself is escape.
Through my experience, I think that the hardest part of my parent's divorce for me at the moment is figuring out how to push through the mess and continue on with my life. It seems that everyone else around me is moving forward with their lives in strides, while I feel like I'm stuck in the mud.
I'm hoping that. in the next few months, my parent's arduous divorce will finally be over, lifting the weight from all of our shoulders. While I do not hate my parents, there are definitely times when I do despise them. I can't help but imagine what my life would be like if their divorce was over quickly, or if they were still together. I know that, in the end, it will all have been for the best even if sometimes, it seems like it wasn't the right decision