Episode 31: What I Did Over My Summer Vacation
Episode 31: What I Did Over My Summer Vacation
Mimi Schmir, one of the writers from "Grey's Anatomy"
Helloooo!! I’m back! Miss me?
Well, I sure have missed you and from what I’ve heard (yes, yes, I do read email, I just have an eency problemo answering it) some of you have noticed my summertime hiatus and wondered about my imminent return. Well summer is over and I am here to tell you many things have transpired (including the fact that yet again I managed to get a nasty rash from self tanner instead of a sexy, man-luring tan) but most importantly, I AM HOME.
Now, the definition of home is a complicated one for some people, but not for me. Home is where Mr. Handsome and Roo go to bed before midnight. Home is where the bed sheets aren’t always crunchy with sand (well, not usually.) Home is where I don’t wear the same white T-shirt seven days in a row. (In fact, home is where I don’t ever wear white if I can help it.) Home is where I go back on my diet, where gelato isn’t on the top of the food pyramid and where bathing suits (especially anything ending in “ini”) STAY IN A DRAWER. But mostly, home is where right now the suitcases and their sweaty, dirt-encrusted contents are splayed all over the living room floor. (Home is also where I need to clean the house with that new, eco-friendly green stuff that I have been threatening to use. Because at this very moment, home has been boarded up for weeks and well, you know how it is— home kind of smells.)
But smells are fine. Smells are cool when they are your own smells and not necessarily the smells of people who believe deodorant is a luxury item. So when we walk in the front door for the first time in weeks and Roo sticks his little nose in the air and sniffing says, “This place smells bene!” (That’s “good,” in Italian) I totally understand. (Mr. Handsome could care less about the smell. He goes straight for the television to see if the Sponge Bob Square Pants Movie was TIVO recorded. He has his priorities.)
Anyhoo, trust me, a lot has happened. I couldn’t begin to tell you all about it here. So instead, I will give you the highlights and we’ll get to the rest. (Speaking of highlights, I tried a new hair color this summer. I told the guy I wanted to look like Julianne Moore. I think he thought I said, Dinty Moore. Anyway, it was a big ass mistake, believe me.)
Okay, here goes — What I Did Over My Summer Vacation (and “Vacation” should be in quotes, I might add):
1. Took Mr. Handsome and Roo on a fourteen hour plane ride. Learned that Nintendo DS effective for about six and a half of aforementioned fourteen hours and that Children’s Benadryl works for about two. That leaves six LONG hours in coach unaccounted for. Resolved to only fly First Class with kids if EVER fly with kids again. (Unlikely.)
2. Resolved, in retrospect, to keep all family trips within a sixty mile radius of Los Angeles. OR, to marry a guy with a private plane. And not to care at all if guy is ugly because private plane clearly more important than looks in the immediate future.
3. Learned that tennis camp good idea only if kids like to play tennis. If said kids would really prefer to be playing baseball but baseball camp was all full because you are a suck-ey mom and waited too late to sign them up, then tennis a bad idea because tennis rackets make lousy baseball bats but kids will use them as baseball bats anyway.
4. Also learned that fancy, exclusive Country Club that only lets you in during summer months if you are sending your kids to their over-priced tennis camp will kick you out really quickly if tennis rackets used for other, “inappropriate” things.
5. After two days on beach, seriously consider lipo. After woman on beach comes up, looks at belly (mine) and says, “Boy or Girl?” consider committing hari kari and then suicide (not necessarily in that order.)
6. After observing many glamorous (aka, skinny) women from foreign countries, briefly considered taking up smoking.
7. Discarded smoking idea when reminded of time set hair on fire in college with wayward butt. Plus Roo saying, “Smoking makes you dead,” also an effective deterrent.
8. Watched two thousand hours of Olympics (at least that’s what it seemed like.)
9. Resolved to take up Rhythmic Gymnastics and if not that, Archery. Resolved, at the very least, to be more athletic in the second half of my life. After two days of running five miles, decided Dara Torres freak of nature and I am only human. Resolved instead to join Curves gym. Told Annabelle— moment of distress when she starts to laugh at me turns to profound moment of deep understanding. Then, in moment of madness, agree to train with Annabelle for “Rim to Rim” walk of Grand Canyon.
10. Went to a funeral. Actually, went to two. (Did I ever mention have been to way more funerals than weddings?) Left kids with Annabelle because didn’t want to expose them to grief. When had death discussion with kids and tried to tell them how we had all our happy memories Roo said, “But it is still very sad.” Realized no need to try and protect them from death. Anyway, they lived with Jeffrey, if you get my drift.
11. Got book deal. (More on this anon.)
12. Told Jeffrey got book deal and eventually hung up the phone on him after he couldn’t stop laughing. Called him back and told him he wouldn’t be laughing so hard after he read book written on aforementioned deal.
13. Got call from Jeffrey’s lawyer. Pressed “ERASE” on answering machine. (First use of metaphor since arriving home.)
14. Took up Gyrotonics, as an antidote to Pilates and as further training for Rim to Rim Grand Canyon hike as well as writing book. Realized Gyrotonics a fancy word for “Your forty-five year old body is still forty-five no matter what you try to do.”
15. Watched Mr. Handsome play “Snug” in a production of Midsummer Night’s Dream. Realized Shakespeare camp an easy sell when stage combat is the priority. Stayed up all night making lion costume when to great dismay, night before first performance am told by child that Snug turns in to Lion in the “Play within the Play.” Curse Shakespeare for writing two plays in one, then rip apart two old Halloween costumes and stick ears, a mane and tail onto an Obi Wan Kenobe caftan.
16. Deal with the consequences when child searching for Obi Wan Costume finds barely recognizable lion hybrid.
17. Oooh — forgot to mention. Hired really cute tour guide in foreign country and fantasized having affair with him.
18. Did.
19. Walked back into boarded up house to pile of mail including Roo’s school application that has not been submitted but was due last week. Again, feel like super-bad mommy and consider public school an excellent option, even if forty-two kids and one teacher in classroom and Jeffrey (not of his own volition, believe me) footing the bill.
20. Reminded self that bad mommies don’t take their beloved children to foreign countries and beaches that make them (the mommies) feel fat. That bad mommies don’t send their kids to camp even if it is not necessarily the one they want to go to and that really bad mommies would have gone to foreign countries on their own or with BFF Annabelle and left kids with cheating louse of soon-to-be-ex-husband instead of opening their hearts and minds to what is out there. Remind self further that really, really bad mommies would have said, “Si, Si!” when cute foreign tour guide suggested leaving kids with non-English speaking babysitter and having fabulous, romantic dinner at castle in country. Realize GOOD mommy because take kids on romantic dinner too and all have a really good time.
21. And finally, read some really, really good books. (No idea how that happened, but miraculously, it did.) And realized that the writing life, even that of a blogging mom with a menopot, isn’t a bad thing at all. Even without a tan. And that it is good to be home. Even if home kind of smells.
What about your summer? Good, bad, indifferent? Sunburned? Tanned? Write me, I’d love to know…
Xoxo
Glad To Be Back Yours,
Esme
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