John Gottman’s 1994 study found that contempt is the leading predictor of divorce within the first six years of marriage.

Contempt in relationships is not only destructive, but it’s also the biggest predictor of relationship failure.

Marriage brings two people together, but negative behaviors sometimes pull them apart.

This blog will walk you through clear signs of marital contempt. Once you spot these signs, you can take steps to make your relationship better.

Let’s look at what these signs are and how to handle them.

How Can Contempt Arise in a Marital Relationship

Have you noticed small changes in how you and your spouse talk to each other? This section explains how contempt can quietly enter into a marriage. It often starts with tiny habits we might not notice at first.

When couples stop showing care for each other’s feelings, contempt finds its way in. Maybe you’re tired after work and brush off your partner’s stories.

Or they might laugh at your opinions during family dinner. These small moments add up.

Money problems, different parenting styles, or work stress can make things worse. These issues can turn into blame games and harsh words.

Sometimes, we forget to listen and understand each other’s point of view.

Knowing how contempt starts helps us stop it early. Let’s look at the clear signs that show contempt might be part of your marriage.

Signs of Contempt in Matrimonial Interactions

Let’s explore the signs that might be showing up in your marriage:

1. Patronizing or Demeaning Language

Does your partner talk to you like you’re a child? When they say things like “Let me explain this simply” or speak to you mockingly, they show disrespect.

This behavior damages trust and self-worth. Watch for phrases that make you feel small or less capable.

2. Dismissive and Cynical Answers

When you share news or feelings, does your partner reply with “Whatever” or “That’s nice” in a cold tone? These short, uncaring answers show they’re not taking you seriously.

Such responses can make you feel unimportant and stop you from sharing your thoughts.

3. Dismissive Body Language

Watch how your partner acts when you talk. Eye-rolling, looking away, or shaking their head sends a clear message: “I don’t value what you’re saying.”

These small gestures hurt more than words. They show a lack of respect even when your partner stays quiet and ignores you.

4. Creating Space and Avoiding Physical Closeness

Does your partner move away when you sit nearby? Maybe they turn their back in bed or dodge your hugs?

These small signs of pulling away physically show emotional distance, too. When one partner keeps their space, it creates invisible walls in marriage.

5. Stonewalling

Think of a wall going up between you and your partner. That’s what happens with stonewalling. Your spouse might stop talking, leave the room, or treat you silently.

Instead of fixing problems together, they shut down and block you out completely.

6. Criticism and Blame

“You never help around here,” or “Always make us late.” Sound familiar? When your partner blames you for everything or picks at your flaws, they use criticism as a weapon.

These words show they see you as the problem, not the issue itself.

7. Competing and Correcting

Does your partner always try to top your stories? Or fix your words mid-sentence? When they say, “Actually…” or “That’s not how it happened,” they show they don’t trust your view.

This pattern makes simple chats feel like contests.

8. Insisting on Modifying Everything Your Partner Does

Do they redo the dishes you just washed? Or change how you fold clothes? When your partner fixes everything you do, they say, “You can’t do anything right.”

This constant correction makes you feel judged and less confident in your choices.

9. Name-Calling

Using mean labels or harsh words during fights crosses a basic line of respect. Calling your partner “stupid,” “useless,” or worse shows deep contempt.

These words leave scars that last long after the fight ends. This behavior has no place in a healthy marriage.

10. Ridiculing Beliefs or Values

Making fun of what matters to you, your partner shows deep disrespect. When they mock your faith, personal values, or things you care about, it hurts deeply.

This behavior tells you they don’t respect your core beliefs, which should be sacred in marriage.

11. Comparing You to Others

“Why can’t you cook like Sarah?” or “Look how well John provides for his family.” These comparisons hurt deeply. When your partner measures you against others, they say you’re not good enough.

This habit breaks trust and makes you feel less worthy in your marriage.

12. Bringing up Past Mistakes

Do they mention that mistake from three years ago during today’s argument? Using old errors as weapons in new fights shows stored-up resentment.

When your partner keeps a list of your past wrongs, they’re not letting you grow or change.

13. Acting Disgusted 

Does your partner curl their lip or make gagging sounds when you speak? These signs of disgust cut deep.

Whether during meals, conversations, or intimate moments, showing clear dislike through facial expressions tells you they find you repulsive. This behavior breaks bonds quickly. 

14. Tuning Out Conversations

When sharing something important, does your partner scroll through their phone? Or stare blankly at the TV? This checked-out behavior says, “I don’t care what you’re saying.”

Ignoring your mid-talk shows they don’t value your words or time. 

15. Correcting the Partner in Public

Imagine sharing a story with friends when your partner cuts in to “fix” your words. Or they point out your small mistakes at family dinners.

These public corrections aim to make you look bad. They break trust when they choose to correct you in front of others.

We know these signs might feel familiar. If you see them in your marriage, remember that change starts with knowing what to look for.

Understanding the Effects of Contempt on Marriage

Here’s how contempt can affect a marriage in unexpected ways. When respect fades, it touches every part of your relationship.

Your health can suffer, too. Living with constant put-downs or cold treatment can lead to:

• More headaches and body pain
• Trouble sleeping at night
• Feeling sick more often
• Extra stress that stays with you

Children notice these changes. They observe how their parents interact and learn from behaviors rather than just words. They might copy these behaviors in their relationships when they see us show contempt.

Money matters can get harder, too. When partners stop working together, they often make poor choices with spending. Some might even hide purchases from each other.

The biggest impact often falls on mental well-being. You might:

• Start doubting yourself more
• Feel lonely even when you’re together
• Lose trust in your partner
• Stop sharing your true thoughts

Your social life changes as well. You might pull away from friends or skip family events. Sometimes, couples put on a “happy face” in public while hurting inside.

The good news? Knowing these effects helps you spot problems early. You can take steps to bring back the respect and care that make marriages work.

Causes of Contempt in a Marital Relationship

Common patterns that lead to contempt in marriage include the following

• Poor Communication Habits: Small communication issues can grow bigger over time. Bad habits form when we stop listening or brush off our partner’s feelings. Maybe you’re checking your phone while they talk, or they give quick, short answers to your questions.
• Money Stress: Bills piling up? Different spending styles? Money problems can turn partners against each other. One might judge the other’s purchases or hide spending habits.
• Lack of Appreciation: Remember when you used to notice the little things your partner did? When we stop saying “thank you” or seeing their efforts, resentment builds up.
• Different Values and Goals: You want to save for a house, but they want to travel. You prefer quiet nights, they like parties. These differences can create tension when we don’t talk about them openly.
• Family Interference: In-laws or extended family getting too involved can strain your bond. Taking sides or giving unwanted advice might make you feel less connected to each other.
• Unmet Expectations: Maybe you thought marriage would be different. When reality doesn’t match our hopes, we might blame our partner instead of adjusting our views.
• Work-Life Balance Issues: Long hours at work, bringing office stress home, or feeling that one partner does more household tasks can create bad feelings.
• Past Hurts: Old arguments or mistakes that weren’t fully resolved can leave scars. These past hurts might show up as harsh words or cold treatment now.

Remember, knowing what causes contempt is the first step to fixing it. Let’s talk about how to spot these issues early and make positive changes.

How to Address Contempt in Marital Relationships

Here are some practical ways to restore warmth and respect in a marriage.

These steps have helped many couples rebuild their connection.

• Start With Self-Reflection: Look at your actions first. Notice how you speak and act toward your partner. Do you listen fully when they talk? Are your responses kind? Small changes in your behavior can make a big difference.
• Practice Active Listening: Try this: when your partner speaks, focus only on them. Put your phone away. Make eye contact. Ask questions to understand better. Say things like “Tell me more about that” or “How did that make you feel?”
• Choose Gentle Words: Replace harsh comments with softer ones. Instead of “You never help around here,” try “I could really use some help with the dishes today.”
• Bring Back Physical Touch: Simple touches matter. Hold hands while watching TV. Give a quick hug before work. Pat their shoulder when passing by. These small gestures help rebuild closeness.
• Set Clear Talk Times: Pick a quiet time each day to chat. Maybe after dinner or before bed. Talk about your day, your hopes, your worries. Keep these talks free from blame or criticism.
• Show Thanks Daily: Notice the good things your partner does. Thank them for specific actions. “I really liked how you helped our son with homework today” means more than just “thanks.”
• Get Outside Help: Sometimes, talking to a marriage counselor helps. They can teach you new ways to communicate and solve problems together.
• Make New Happy Moments: Plan activities you both enjoy. Watch a movie together. Cook a meal. Take a walk. Building good memories helps push out negative feelings.
• Give Space When Needed If things get heated, it’s okay to say, “I need a few minutes to calm down.” Come back when you’re both ready to talk calmly.

Conclusion

This discussion on contempt in marriage concludes with key takeaways.

When contempt sneaks into a marriage, it can make both partners feel hurt and alone. But now you know what to look for and how to improve things.

Start with small steps. Pick one area to work on this week. Maybe focus on speaking more kindly or listening without judgment.

Remember, every positive change you make helps build a stronger bond with your spouse. Small steps can help strengthen a marriage over time.

Frequently Asked Question

What is the Biggest Predictor of Divorce?

When partners show contempt and look down on each other, their marriage will likely end.

What is the Antidote to Contempt?

Being kind, showing respect, and saying “thank you” often help stop contempt from growing.

What are the Four Horsemen in Marriage?

The four warning signs in marriage are being mean (contempt), finding fault (criticism), refusing to talk (stonewalling), and making excuses (defensiveness).