Mind and Spirit

Let's be honest: In an act of "momentary insanity," which of these "might" you have done to your ex out of anger or revenge?

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 10:18:36 -0500

* “Accidentally” thrown out something important to him * “Allegedly” vandalized, broke or defaced something he loved * I did something/someone to make him jealous * Told lies/truth about his sexual prowess * Nothing -- I believe in karma

Is Chivalry Dead?

Marshall — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 02:24:08 -0500

* Yes * No

What impact has the current economic climate had on your decision to divorce?

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:42:58 -0400

* I have to put off my divorce until I can make it on my own * We’re still divorcing, but with increasing trepidation * Times are so tough that I'm having regrets about divorcing * No regrets, but I may need to renegotiate my settlement * None… Liberation is priceless!

What are your secret regrets?

Marshall — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 12:12:48 -0400

* I regret leaving my Ex. I want my old life back * I regret I didn't say "no" to marriage and "yes" to career * I regret thinking that having kids could "fix" us * I regret I didn't leave sooner * I regret nothing! My past is part of who I am now

Today, I'm Hopeful. (Tomorrow? Who Knows?)

Maya Halpen — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 14:45:36 -0500

One day I'm up, the next day I'm down. One day I'm indifferent about my marriage, and soon after I feel some hope. When I first started writing this blog, this was often the case. Now the see-saw effect is back.

Today is a hopeful day. Rob and I are just back from a meditation and yoga retreat where we truly enjoyed each other's company. I liked it when we withdrew to the safety of our room to share notes on the dharma talks and secret feelings about the sometimes overwhelmingly enthusiastic New Age devotees surrounding us.

We made our own little world within the little world of the center, and it was a bonding experience. There was giggling, and even a bit of cuddling. New territory. Or at least territory we haven't visited in some time.

That the focus of the retreat was lovingkindness meditation probably helped. (Duh.) The point of the weekend was to grow our capacity for mindfulness and compassion. If there are two ingredients more critical to the health of a relationship, I don't know what they are.

So let's see how we do. Rob and I have been practicing this meditation off and on for a few years, and it certainly has helped me open up to my father, a former "most difficult person" in my life. But to transform a marriage?

The see-saw effect may continue, but perhaps more often we'll tip in favor of compassion...leading to true forgiveness...and (dare I say) true intimacy?

Libra Seeks Serenity, Balance

Elaina Goodman — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 15:00:28 -0500

It's Friday. Weekend is coming and I'm down deep in my on-going Libra head-trip. The endless quest for balance.

If you are a mom, if you are divorced, separated, remarried or somewhere in between, tell me please, I have know how you do it.

How do you juggle it? What do you do to create and maintain balance in your life?

Really, please, I'm begging here.

What do you do?

Now Legally Divorced, It's Time To Put Some Space Between Us

Sondra Simmons — Fri, 21 Nov 2008 12:00:43 -0500

I'm glad Edgar and I are getting along so well since the divorce, but I'm also a little worried about it. He was in the room when the judge declared our marriage irretrievably broken. But he's still acting like it's not.

A business call came to the house for him, so I called to pass on the message. We talked, which is how the whole thing with us got started and is something I still enjoy. I thought he sounded like he'd been drinking. But I didn't find it necessary to mention that, until he began telling me how much he misses me.

"Are you drinking?" I asked.

"No," he replied.

"There have been times," I said, "when you'd tell me you hadn't when you had. And that was part of the problem."

He had nothing to say to that.

I actually have nothing to say about that. When I divorced Ed, I also divorced his alcoholism. But it's not like I don't care. It still hurts to know he's in pain and I still can't fix it.

Addiction is cruel that way.

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. All I can do, now that I've gotten myself to a safe space, is wish Ed well and be careful not to enable him any more.

While I'm often sad to be moving away from my home of the last 20 years, it's probably a positive thing. Putting even more space between me and the ex should be good for us both.

Closed

Sarah Farthing — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 10:51:27 -0500

Ahmed and I have drawn a line in the sand. No more intimacy. No sex. No kissing. No staying over on the weekends. Withdrawal is never pretty, so please forgive me if I take a week to get used to the changes. Don't worry, my friends are taking good care of me. I'll be back Thanksgiving Day. Hope to see you then.

Strategies for Keeping It Together

Faith Eggers — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 11:00:55 -0500

"If you do not wish to be prone to anger, do not feed the habit; give it nothing which may tend to its increase." —Epictetus (55 A.D.–135 A.D.)

This is the way that I have been trying to live. It seems that out of all of this — the sadness, the despair, the desperation, the lonlieness, the worrying, the anxiety — that the anger has been the one emotion that no matter how hard I try to shake it off, it continues to hang on.

I've written so much about how angry I am at Levi. How I'm angry about what he's done to me, to us, to our son. How I'm angry that this divorce left me bare, stripped of all of my innocent beliefs of true love and Prince Charmings.

But what I haven't written too much about, haven't even really realized on a conscience level myself, is how I am angry with myself.

How could I have been so stupid? is something that often comes to my mind. How could I have not seen the forest through the trees?

I told my therapist that if I met Levi for the first time today, I know that I wouldn't even like him. In fact, when I first met him, I didn't really like him...at all.

It was the idea that — this man loves himself so much there must be something great about him — that kept me coming back for more.

Last night I got home after working for 12 hours, my kid had pink eye, the house was a mess, and my cat had puked all over the floor. It's nights like these that I become angry with myself for ever even believing in Prince Charming and happily-ever-after in the first place.

Except now, as I feel the anger washing over me, I give it nothing, I do not feed it and I feel it fade away faster and faster.

I hope maybe if I keep this up, I will find a way to let go of the anger.

Couples Yoga: Can It Save Us?

Maya Halpen — Sun, 16 Nov 2008 21:25:53 -0500

Speaking of personal growth, here we go. Rob and I are heading to the Kripalu Center in western Massachusetts for a weekend of yoga and meditation. While I wasn't willing to do a workshop specifically for couples, our time there will no doubt bring transformation of some sort. Everyone who goes comes back changed.

I'm already dreading it, which is weird, because I'm a yogi who usually welcomes the opportunity to study with new teachers. I love how the steadiness and equanimity cultivated on the yoga mat make meeting life's challenges off the mat easier, and how each teacher brings unique insight to that process.

But I have big resistance toward growth with Rob. I guess that's what I was getting at in my last post. If you can muster enough compassion and forgiveness for a difficult or mismatched partner to get over your most serious conflicts, does that mean you have rendered moot the reasons you should not be together, end of story?

Can you forgive your way out of marital strife and into martial bliss?

Sure, but my question is: Is that the ONLY path? It's the only one any therapist has seen fit to send me down, and that has been bugging me. How about forgiving but still breaking up anyway? What about those couples who are like best friends and divorce without an ounce of acrimony? (Forget Date my Ex: Jo and Slade. There really are couples like this out there, right?)

That seems more like the path before me, though readers of my blog know I'm dragging my feet, too attached to my cozy life, fearful of separation.

I'll be back next week. Hopefully the Kripalu Center will be fantastic. I'll take the advice of a friend who said to have fun, just don't drink the Kool-Aid.