Delicious
Digg
Reddit
Google
Yahoo
Technorati
Am I Prolonging the Inevitable?
(check out my blog every Wednesday and Saturday)
Posted to House Bloggers by Maya Halpen on Wed, 11/12/2008 - 1:29am
The husband I need showed up again a few times this week. Rob put forth a best faith effort in therapy, helped me prep the house and food for our annual fall party, and stuck to his drink limit through hours of festivities.
He has come far from the boyish drunkard who once frustrated me to the point of leaving. He deserves much credit. And yet the fewer our demons and the more even-keeled our relationship, the more it seems we are two really great friends who should probably call a spade a spade and look elsewhere for romance, intimacy, marriage.
I told our therapist last week that I don't think I can forgive him for the big things that first turned me away from wanting intimacy. He said I gained too much weight and was no longer attractive. He said my depression meant I'd never be a good mom. He secretly suspected he had an STD and counted on condoms preventing transmission to me, putting me at risk but keeping me in the dark.
I want to be capable of great forgiveness. I take responsibility for my part in conflicts and meditate to grow the capacity for compassion toward difficult people. But the more I see my relationship with Rob as fertile ground for working on this type of personal development, the less likely I am to move on. His betrayals turn into challenges to forgive under difficult circumstances, nothing more.
This could be the recipe to make a marriage last a lifetime, but it also seems limiting. "Stay where you are and work on it!" Determination and commitment are nice sentiments, but something about this seems very 1950s, no?
Minimize the Fear and Anxiety Your Kids Experience During Divorce
What Not to Say in Front of the Kids
Posted to Resource Articles by Nancy Samalin on Fri, 02/29/2008 - 8:00pm
How can you minimize the anxiety and fear your children will experience from your divorce? Watch your words! As a parenting educator having worked with so many well-meaning, loving parents for so many years, I believe it's a divorced parent's single biggest responsibility.
No matter how much anger and disdain you may feel toward each other as a couple, kids can't divorce their parents. And while you probably know that it's never good to badmouth your ex in front of your child, here's something you may not realize: When you direct anything negative toward your former spouse — including snide comments, eye rolling and any other disapproving signals — your kid is put in an impossible position.
He suffers from a stream of emotions too powerful and contradictory for a young mind to process. A child wants —and deserves — the freedom to love her two parents. When your child receives mixed signals from either of you, it forces her to question her very identity. Here, the most common feelings kids face when they witness negative interactions between their parents and practical tips to help you avoid hurting them:
Fear and confusion: When you bicker with one another in front of your child, he feels overwhelmed with emotion. And the younger the child, the more he feels as though he is the cause of your fights. When children watch their parents fight they feel helpless and blame themselves. They want to stop their parents from fighting but are powerless to do it.
Try this: If your child is in earshot of a heated exchange between you and your ex, it's not easy — but it's essential — to put a stop to it. Tell your ex this isn't the time or place. Then acknowledge your child's feelings by saying: "It must've been frightening to see mommy and daddy fight. Sometimes grown ups lose their temper and say things they shouldn't. It's not your fault. We both love you very much..."
read more »