How to Manage Post-Divorce Emotions

Tips to heal the pain of divorce

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 11:20am

I spoke with a woman recently who was surprised by how raw her emotions were after her divorce was final. She thought separating and going through the divorce process would heal the pain she had been in for so many years.

She had no idea that healing after a divorce meant dealing with unprocessed emotions. She wanted to move ahead full steam and had no idea how to respond when the pain got in the way of her plans.

Maybe you have found yourself in the same situation. If so, here is some good news for you...you are normal!

Emotions are neither good nor bad, they just are. If you're experiencing negative emotions when you think you should be feeling great, don't beat yourself up over it. Painful emotions are, after all, an opportunity to grow.

Pain acted upon appropriately leads to growth and healing. Pain ignored or acted upon inappropriately leads to further pain and suffering. That post-divorce pain should be considered a tangible asset. It is your choice whether this asset will be used in a self-destructive way or channeled positively toward building a new and rewarding future.

Below are a few tips for processing the pain and turning it into an asset that will help you move on:

Divorce means change. Realize that every divorce brings about change, and change is not always easy. There are times we are tempted to look back, because it is easier than facing the fact that we now have to rebuild ourlives. Trust yourself that you can handle anything that comes along and that you have made the right decision to divorce. Don't let fear overtake your judgment or cause you to doubt your abilities.
Take care of yourself. Riding this roller coaster of emotions is taxing, so make sure you develop good self-care habits during this time. Get plenty of rest, avoid stress as much as possible, put non-essential things on the back burner for now, and eat a healthy diet. Self-care after a divorce is a requirement if you want to maintain your health.
Tell the truth. Be honest with yourself about your feelings. Journaling your emotions through divorce is very helpful for most people undergoing a major life change. If journaling is not for you, then maybe you need a counselor to help you deal with your emotions. It is helpful to have a professional you can tell your innermost feelings to, and then never have to see again when therapy is completed.

In essence, you have to be willing to accept the changes that come with divorce. Treat yourself kindly both physically and emotionally. Be honest with yourself about what you are feeling and, if you can't process these feelings on your own, seek help from a trained professional. And throughout it all, never forget that what you are feeling is normal!

Click the following for a directory of articles to help you keep a healthy mind and spirit through divorce.

Comments

Old Divorce Ruining New Relationship?

Submitted by S. (not verified) on Tue, 11/30/2010 - 9:37pm.

I hope that since some of these posts are a month or 2 old that you ladies have found that someone or something that can ease the loneliness, it's nice to know that we're not alone in this world. I'm 27 years old, which I know should make me too young for divorce, and I got divorced about 3 1/2 years ago. I left because I went through about 3 years of emotional abuse, and it took everything I had to leave. All my money, willpower, and self-worth. I left and in the process gained an anxiety problem that required medication for almost a year to quell the panic attacks. Shortly after I separated from my husband, I began a relationship with another man who seems to be a nice, supportive, mature and he seems to really know who he is. He is the total opposite of my ex. We've been together over 3 years now, and just when I was thinking I might be ready to get married again, I hear from him that he says I'm not. He says that I'm carrying around emotional baggage from divorce and an absentee father (another, longer story) and that he can't marry me until it is resolved. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is when does your past mold you as a person and help you learn and be wiser for it, and when does it become something you're carrying around that you need to be let go?

Very Lonely and Afraid I Will be Forever...

Submitted by Kim (not verified) on Sun, 09/05/2010 - 7:36pm.

I have been looking to talk to other women who have been divorced since I got divorced 4 months ago. I have a 3 year old son but as much as I love him, he doesn't soothe my lack of companionship and lonliness. I have family somewhat nearby but they are very upset and heartbroken that I don't get the positive reinforcement I need from them to move on. And all the friends I do have are married and I almost feel very resentful toward them for being happy. I feel very self-consious in front of my family and friends now and feel that my identity is lost. I have always had a hard time making friends, and now that I've lost my best friend, my former husband, I am so afraid I will never find another companion who will love all of me the way I am. In addition, I have a disability that I'm afraid another man would not want to accept or deal with. I thought about dating but have no interest in other men right now and so wish my former husband would want to get back together to work on things. I even told him so many times and just when I thought we might be getting closer, He was complimenting me, we were talking more often, and he asked me what would give me that impression? I thought really, don't you know you are still stringing me along!? I do still love him but the difference is he has no interest in working on a relationship and I would do just about anything to get us back to great! ): So, how have any of you other women "moved on" after so many years and after still feeling those loving feelings for the person who divorced you? I'd appreciate any advice anyone has to give as I am feeling so lonely and need some encouragement to stay strong and look forward to a better future! Especially for my son's sake who means the world to me!!!!!

Divorce

Submitted by Debbie (not verified) on Wed, 10/06/2010 - 1:28am.

I can only empathize. I had a child too and I am afraid I did not pay enough attention to her because I was so caught up in my own grief and loneliness. Friends, often just dont want to hear about it, atleast not more than once or twice, and when they are in a relationship they immediately forget their single friends. I know you want to know how to move on. I am looking for those answers too. Everything I hear seems like stupid stuff from people who dont really know, and pet answers. You gotta have friends, and I have few myself, one girlfriend who changes the subject. My ex had many female friends, and that is the reason for the split up. He is on his merry way I guess and I am alone. We (my friend and I) agree against all professional advice that the best way to get over somebody is to find somebody else. It works. But you cant force friendship to happen or a relationship to happen. I have been single most of my life and just ended a relationship. Im miserable. I have a few little fixes but none the absolute solution. I often take an elderly lady out for dinner to fill my lonely evening hours. I work an evening job to fill my lonely evening hours (a lifesaver). I try to quit hoping for what I cant have and accept what I do have. I have a bible study and delve into research to fill lonely hours. I may not feel like it at first but thenI get into it. I realize God is my only friend and make a mission to do for him what I can in this short life. Time goes faster when I realize I dont have enough time to do what I need to for God, instead of feeling I have too much lonely time. And I avoid situations that make me feel lonely like going to restaurants alone, or church. I prefer a singles group or bible study. But still weekends and holidays are lonely and I cant Bible study all the time, or can i? Maybe I can .

i went through what you did

Submitted by inas (not verified) on Sat, 09/11/2010 - 7:34am.

i went through what you did but in a different way. i was married to aman who i love so much. he didnot love me as i do. all what interest him is my money. this was so painful. i was preganant. he was not happy with that. after delivery, my daughter lived for two days and died. i expect him to soothe me. instead, he made every effort to through me out. i felt he was waiting for the opportunity to leave me with the minimum charges. i felt betrayed and stapped in the back. it is normal to feel intense pain. i prayed to God to forget him and forget my emotions for him. this helped a lot. i feel broken and empty at first, now with God help, i feel better, i feel i am going in the healing cycle. i changed alot after divorce. it is to the positive. my feeling are not stable. sometimes i feel good, sometimes it turned bad and so on. i knew that this is normal at this stage. i think we need to have the idea of going on. to love ourselves as we are and then we will find who loves us as we are. i hope you find a better person that respects you whatever you are and loves your boy. i think it is a good thing that we love and can love and not hate even who didnot love us. good luck in your life. i belief in the saying that says ' when a window is closed, God opens a door' best wishes for happy life

all the emotions and fears of a 32 yr marriage

Submitted by mj (not verified) on Fri, 09/03/2010 - 12:38pm.

so i am about to after these 5 years of separation to finally look this ugly horse in the face and try to move ahead very hard as so many women before me atest to how to begin and how to calm and manage the fear of uncertaintanty after being a housewife and mother for 32 years knowing nothing else ( well that was my first mistake obviously) and now to embark on a new beginning at the age of 57 so ladies i reach out need support encouragement and a good therapist and as the song says where do you go from here! thanks for listening mj

I am not religious but

Submitted by same situation (not verified) on Sun, 12/04/2011 - 10:20pm.

I am not religious but spiritual The words of the Teacher, the son of David, king in Jerusalem: Vanity of vanities, says the Teacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity. What do people gain from all the toil at which they toil under the sun? A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises and the sun goes down, and hurries to the place where it rises. The wind blows to the south, and goes around to the north; round and round goes the wind, returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they continue to flow. All things are wearisome; more than one can express; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, or the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a thing of which it is said, “See, this is new”? It has already been, in the ages before us. The people of long ago are not remembered, nor will there be any remembrance of people yet to come by those who come after them.

Me Too

Submitted by Jenny (not verified) on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 4:44pm.

But I am doing the dumping. His covert emotional abuse has reaped a ton of damage on me and two of my kids. The one that is still home probably won't understand for a long time if at all. You see, I am married to a Nice Man. At least that is the persona that he sells. I was raped by this Nice Man while incapacitated medicinally. Anally. I was pressing charges but dropped them when the usual economic argument came up and since the kids were younger and I had no hope of supporting us.... Well, another stupid decision of mine. Since then and even before I have been emotionally divorced but along for the ride. I have a small business which is loosing it's customer base due to the economy. So I really don't know what I'll do in the long run. I do know it is time to leave. He's still wearing those rose colored glasses and waiting me out until I come to my senses. I am selling stuff right and left and when I have the cash will get an appointment with an attorney for initial advice. I do not know how I will rebuild. I do not know how I can afford a divorce. I am alone, having been a workaholic for so long, plus he has moved in on every relationship I've ever had and made himself at home. So I don't have any close friends who I can confide in either. Counselors are too expensive for me. It is a time of wondering, feeling lost, loneliness, hope and hopelessness. Fright and strength. I'm scared but I have to do this to preserve myself.

Isolation is Painful

Submitted by A. (not verified) on Sat, 09/04/2010 - 1:48pm.

I can relate to your feelings and I'm terrified of the unknown, myself. I try to remember the famous quote that "A coward dies a thousand deaths, a brave man one"...to make the leap to file because I really had no choice, in my situation. I try the best I can to remain positive which is very difficult, after moving for my husband only to be abandoned. I did have a career until 15 years ago, that is impossible to get back into at 59. It is almost like that was a lifetime away. This is the first time that I have written to any blog about this. Most people I associated with are married & I don't remember what it feels like to be single and certainly is not the same as a 25 year old. So, now I know I am not the only one who can admit to being afraid. Thank you for posting that! After my husband decided he wanted someone else, I'm more afraid that I can't live up to what I would like to do, because after 53, my previously healthy self, started having health problems. So, Yes, Where do we go from here? It certainly would help to talk to someone in my situation. At first, I could not even talk about it other than a few friends. They are happily married, so I don't think they could really understand how it feels to be devoted and make sacrifices for 30 years, only to be dumped like a old shoe. What amazes me is how can a human being treat another that way with a surprise of "I don't want to be with you anymore" one day after behaving otherwise. No mention of a problem and I am the only woman I know that was left for an "older woman" (which has some humor). If it wasn't for her money or position, I doubt he would have considered it. Looking back, when we met, I was the one with the better job, house & car and even paid for our honeymoon! What a naive Romantic I was. Then, I helped him with more than I will tell you, climb up to become a successful executive. I was a highly intelligent woman who thought with my heart more than my head. I naively believed that if I gave my all, it would be appreciated. Not True. I would recommend any young girl get a pre-nuptial agreement, now. I really wish there was a support group in my area.

Your story is a familiar one.

Submitted by Melody (not verified) on Sun, 12/26/2010 - 12:23pm.

Your story is a familiar one. I thought so much more with my heart instead of my head. I left a relationship of 18 years, which was failing. I met a charming man from the South. His manners and accent were quite charming. I fell in love with him from the get go. Since I was in a failing relationship, he filled the gaps I was missing in my relationship. I packed up everything I owned, sold my house and moved to TN. My first sign (or red light)was that he ha been married 3 times before we were married. He always blamed it on his exes(another red light).Before, I moved, I knew he was down and out, living in his parent's guest house(he's 43 years) BIG RED LIGHT. We had 6 years of marital bliss until I had head surgery. I Have "water on the brain. I had a shunt put in my head to drain the water. I had a second surgery a year later. Recovery slow but fast. He would not touch me sexually BIG RED LIGHT. I had money. Paid his child support, medical, education bills for his kids and his previous divorce lawyers. WHAT WAS I THINKING!! I dedicated myself and my money to this man. When I came home after my second surgery he said he wanted divorce. Did not want to take of me. I was an embarrassment to his friends. I thought you are an embarrassment,emotionally to my friends, family and me. I just thought it was ironic that I supported him financially & emotionally for 7 years of marriage. It has been 3 1/2 months now, but he hasn't filed. I don't care,let him spend his money. The biggest thorn in my side is the fact that he is now dating an older woman 3 blocks from me! I am wondering if she should know about his history with me. Especially the financial aspects. As she is successful. Do I do it or not. I just don't want her to be blind-sided. He never told me how bad.Or is juyst a revengeful thing or a good thing to do?

Divorce

Submitted by Debbie (not verified) on Wed, 10/06/2010 - 1:54am.

I tell you, even people who have been in a relationship only three days forget what it is like to be single, and they lose interest in their single friends almost immediately. And yes the isolation is painful. I am 56 and been single most of my life. It is very difficult to find friends. Everyone is busy or has somebody, and nobody can invest much time with friends or on the phone. If they do it is brief and they really dont want to get into talking about your problems much. I am devistated right now over a lost relationship. I am delving into Bible study now as God is my only real friend. I find things more tolerable when I accept what I have and quit hoping for what I dont have. And a good friend helps, but they are rare.

How to Manage Post-Divorce Emotions

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