If this is Tuesday it must be the Cote d'Azure. How should an ex-wife feel when a husband is taking two young children on a grand tour of Europe? A reader asks "Do I have a right to ask for an itinerary, and phone numbers for hotels, when he's dragging them across Europe? The kids are 9 and 10, two boys, and I can't imagine they are going to be very happy."

It's up to the ex-husband to deal with two unhappy boys. As for the rest of the question, about your right to an itinerary:

"Absolutely!" said Susan Reach Winters, an attorney at Budd Larner, P.C., in New Jersey. "You have every right to know where your children are, especially for emergency situations." Moreover, if you feel your ex is taking the children on something dangerous, or something you do not approve of, you may ìneed to go to court," she said.

"Day trips? Not so much. But longer trips, yes," said Jacalyn Barnett, whose law offices are in New York.

"When a parent asks for an itinerary for an extended trip the child is taking with the other parent, it shows the child that the parent loves them enough to want to know their whereabouts," says David Young, a former Circuit Court judge in Miami-Dade County.

It is best, the lawyers say, if guidelines for situations like these are laid down in the divorce and custody agreement. Every divorce is different, but itís important to focus on the needs of the child and not fall victim to revenge.

If you keep your children from speaking to their father, you are making them casualties in your battle with your ex. There are instances where a parent will call too much, and that is also interfering with the other parentís right to have private time with the child.

Either way, the child is hurt.

Operate a family under written rules? Not possible in your chaotic life? Too much like running a strict boarding school?

In his seminal book “Family Rules,” Dr. Ken Kaye explains why written rules solve most children’s issues, prevent squabbles, shape behavior, and keep parenting even handed. Not only that, but children can learn from watching those rules applied to their siblings.

Dr. Kaye’s book stresses that written rules can be just as useful, maybe even more so, after a divorce. Here are excerpts from “Family Rules” (2005):

The events that create a single-parent family are power forces in shaping a child’s development. A parent’s death, desertion, or divorce leaves emotional wounds in the child just as it does in the remaining parent.

Discipline may be necessary, but it will not be sufficient to heal the wounds. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge, “My child is in pain and needs professional help.”...

When the bitterness between you and the ex-spouse has slacked off a bit, it feels good to exchange a remark or even just a knowing smile with the one other person in the world to whom your children are as special, their development as marvelous, their needs as urgent as they are to you.

But there are dangers on that road. All forces converge to pull the two of you into over-involvement with one another.

The reality is that your family has broken up. You are divorced or you are getting divorced, and if the children are living with you then you have to make the decisions

Keep the co-parenting consultations to the minimum necessary to sustain Dad’s cooperation. But the children’s father should not be the main person you rely on as your sounding board or counselor in setting rules.

Since you cannot afford to be undermined, you will need to respect your children’s father’s feelings, values, and opinions.

Custody mediation can be a dress rehearsal for a court-ordered child-custody evaluation, because if the case is not settled in mediation, an evaluation could be next. Mediation can help parents dig themselves out of entrenched positions, get them to evaluate their goals, and help them develop a child-centered parenting plan that will promote the best interests of their children.

The mediator's job is to reduce acrimony and get the parties to agree to a custody and visitation arrangement. If that process comes to a halt, they can at least prepare the parents for what an evaluator will want to know.

An evaluator in the State of California, where we work, will want to hear about the parental history: when the parents met, when the parents' relationship became serious, when the parents began living together, when the parents got married, when the parents first separated, the total number of separations, the date of the last separation, and whether and when couples or family counseling was ever done.

The evaluator will also ask about grandparents, the parents’ siblings, extended family. And about any other minor children in the households. The mediator will definitely ask about the parents’ drug and alcohol history, and if there is any history of domestic abuse.

And then the evaluator will ask how the parents shared custody during the separation. And what current parenting plan they are using.

Here are the red flags that an evaluator will be looking for:

Your ex husband is late for his visitation pick up. This is not the first time and you are getting tired of the disrespect and negligence. Besides, you have has things to do and your two children are getting uncomfortable.

In this scene, you have had it, and need to say something.

Here is the wrong way:

Mom: “He did it to me in the marriage and now he is doing it to you. Your father only thinks about himself.”

This is the right way:

Mom: “Dad appears to be running late.”

Child: “Again?”

Mom: “Some people run late. I am sure he will get here OK.”

Child: “But it bothers me.”

Mom: “You may want to let your dad know how you feel.”

It’s easy to understand why a mother might be outraged: her tardy ex- husband is doing it again, but this time he’s doing it not just to her, but to the kids as well.

She is angry that she has to continue to deal with her ex-husband’s apparent lack of respect and she identifies with her kids, feeling that they are being hurt.

This is a case where over identification is very easy to do. The mother can project her own feelings on the kids. In a misguided attempt to protect them she may make the error of not allowing the kids to have their own relationship with their father.

When she responds incorrectly, she is responding out of her own hurt and anger, imposed it now on them.

The kids in turn are then forced to take sides.

But is it possible their dad’s lateness is not really a big deal for them? Maybe they already accept their father for his many flaws, but enjoy him nevertheless?

It may be too much for them to identify with their mother’s outrage.

But when the mother has a sense of perspective and feels well centered, she can acknowledge his lateness in a factual and neutral way: “Some people run late.”

Weddings are always emotional. When we add divorced parents to the celebration, the day can become especially stressful, if not completely explosive.

It does not have to be!

Here’s how I handle the hundreds of marrying couples we have counseled: We enroll the parents as to their responsibility for making this a happy day for the new couple. Sure, complaints come flying at us: “my new family has to sit in the third row, my new partner is not invited, the stepfather is giving way the bride,” and more and more. We enroll the couple to carefully plan all aspects of parental participation. Any problems, and there usually are some, are brought to us and we will mediate to an outcome.

Should you be managing this on your own, here a few suggestions for success.

• First take a look at the etiquette books. They are now discussing this issue.

• All arrangements must be worked out beforehand by the couple.

• Plan, plan, plan — the three most important words before the ceremony.

• No mater how much animosity, parents must agree to be civil.

• Talk with them. Get their agreement. (Pray they will keep it).

• Make sure mom, dad, stepmother and stepfather, if you are blessed with all, are properly introduced. The younger person is always presented to the older.

• Enroll a companion (baby sitter) for each potentially disruptive parent. It could be the Best Man or the Maid of Honor. They will not be sitting at the parent’s table, but they are told to make sure the people they are assigned to are take care of. Make sure mom has someone to dance with and perhaps even greet her at the door.

Do all the negotiating and getting of agreements as far in advance as possible. Reinforce the positive.

Many people wonder about the kind of relationship, if any, they should have with step-children, “half’ siblings, and other extended young family members. Is it really necessary to have a relationship with your ex’s step-child?

In any kind of relationship there is the opportunity to build up or to tear down. So when the question arises about relationships between adults and children often more than 40 years of age apart, the issue is: If you do want to have a relationship with this child, are you capable of taking a positive stand on the child’s behalf? Are you able to relate with kindness and compassion?

A positive stand means to come from a position that allows you to believe in the best possible outcome for you both. Of course that’s not easy to do — because there are so many other more negative or primitive feelings that can come up in the adult. A threat to survival or a change in everyday routines will bring up intensely strong feelings in both adults and children. This child may have disrupted where and how you live. Whether this disruption is by accident or design doesn’t matter. That’s a very strong effect upon you.

So in order to have a full relationship with the Steps and the Halves — by marriage or by genetics — you have to be able to take a positive stand that allows for you to be kind and thoughtful to the child. Of course, sometimes the biological parent will discourage contact, but if they maintain some kind of neutrality, then the choice is yours.

This question is asked by many people in step relationships, and the questioners sometimes have their own agenda. It can be quite human to, well, not be so unhappy if your kids hate the woman who was responsible for the demise of your marriage. But is hating the step mom healthy for the kids? The answer is a resounding NO.

Hate is a very strong emotion, and not one that you want your kids to walk around with. They will be spending time with their step-mom, and surely you don’t want them to hate this time. So, here are some ideas on how to deal with this.

First, it is really unlikely that their stepmother is a hateful person. This tells me that it isn’t the person they hate but the situation of being children of divorce and having to now share their father with someone else. With this in mind, I counsel moms to talk to their kids about the situation (divorce and remarriage) being the thing that they dislike — not a person. Help them to see this and you’ve taken a big step.

The absolute best way to foster a better relationship between your kids and their stepmother is to model it. While you don’t have to be friends, there are a lot of things you can do. Ask nicely about her after they have spent some time with her. Encourage them to see the good in her — not the bad. Suggest activities they can do with her. Let them see you interact well with her. This can be over the phone, at a “drop off”, a school event. By acting nicely to her, you are giving them permission to do the same.

There is a complexity in new familial arrangements that requires adjustment from all members. Your children are stressed by the physical and psychological changes that preceded and result from their family-system reorganization. Your ex is adjusting to life with a new family.

Then there's you. Things may not have worked out as you planned. One thing is certain; life after divorce is in flux, and you don't have control over many of the changes. But there are things you can control. Attitude is one. There are, and will be, ongoing changes and negotiations you didn't count on. You are adjusting to sharing parenting roles with a person (and possibly ex-partner) who may not welcome (or may resent) your presence. You might be adjusting to having the children out of your home (and under your wing) for days, weeks, or months at a time. You may also be in the midst of deciding which battles to engage, and which to leave alone. You may find yourself feeling more possessive, and even obsessive, about your children, calling your ex's home daily to check on your kids, wondering what's going on. Resentment and frustration can build, and you may have difficulty shielding the children from your emotions.