As men set their sights on women’s earnings, their entrepreneurial spirits, and sometimes, their celebrity value, women are increasingly finding the picture of so-called equality looking very strange. How is it that women increasingly are paying alimony?

Almost one in three married women makes more money than their spouses do. This economic statistic is certainly a factor why women increasingly are paying alimony.
However, in our society, women seem surprised to have to pay alimony even if they earn more.

This is because it is a fairly recent phenomenon in our legal courts. Secondly, for many women who are breadwinners (in a failed marriage), it’s not as if they ever expected to out earn their husbands, or do all of the heavy lifting in the family, or end up giving him spending money as you would do with a child. Women often feel cheated by the legal system because it is possible that they have to reward a sit at home bum.

The wife’s sense of being the victim is intensified when children are involved. Women share disproportionately the burden of money making, household chores, and child rearing. This is usually compounded by the lack of gratitude, appreciation, and emotional support a breadwinner is typically afforded by the household.

I have assisted many divorcing women who face the prospect of paying alimony. Our financial strategy is predicated upon her entire contribution to the family, including her spouse. Most importantly, they realize they are not an anomaly. They are freed of social stigma and part of a trend that is growing in ranks.

House Blogger Wanda Woodard asks:

I've heard that when girls hit puberty they tend to turn away from their mothers and turn towards their fathers. My daughter has been away from her father for 2.5 years now, and she is in the throws of puberty. Is there any validity to this theory?

Susan Epstein responds:

What you are referring to is based on Sigmund Freud's psychoanalytic theory of how girls develop their sense of femininity during their early oedipal years.

Certainly, there are psychoanalytic researchers who might agree that a girl without a father in her life might develop differently than one with a father.

However, the definitions of 'family' and 'parent' have changed drastically since Freud's writings, and children are being raised more and more by single women, single men, and same sex partners. There is more that we don't know than what we do know about father/daughter relationships and their impact on girls' development.

More important than focusing on "theory" is that you talk to your teen about the differences she is experiencing in her family. How does she feel about not having her father around? Does she miss him? How does she feel around male teachers and other men in her life? Are there other good men that she knows and respects?

What it comes down to is keeping the conversation alive and taking what you learn from your daughter and helping her fill those voids in her life.

Best regards, Susan

 

House Blogger Megan Thomas writes:

Is it true that it's less psychologically damaging for kids when the parents divorce when the kids are relatively young as opposed to in their teenage/early adulthood years? Or does this not have much bearing at all?

Tammy Gold responds:

I think that every situation is very different. The point about young children pertains to when they are very young, perhaps less than a year of age, and are not that aware of the familial environment. So if there is the juxtaposition of a child who is 3 months old compared to a child 10 years old, how they are affected will be very different because obviously the baby does not understand psychologically what is going on.

Older children have history and have built patterns, structures, and rituals with their parents which in turns shapes their personality. So for a child who has lived with his/her parents for a decade and built this history with them, their divorce would cause a great disruption to the child's world. This is because, for 10 years, this way of life is all the child has known.

Very young children and infants are less aware of things and therefore less traumatized during the big transition of divorce. However, once children are old enough to be aware of home and mom and dad living in the home they will be affected by the their parents separating and living apart. This is not to say, however, that divorce will not affect young babies. Babies — even babies in the womb — can react to parental stress levels. So while a young baby may not fully comprehend a divorce in relation to themselves or their life, they may feel the stress from their parents and react to that stress physically and emotionally.

Affairs are a stunning betrayal of the heart and the pain can cut through you like a knife. Trust me though, if you choose to, you can learn from it and come to realize that you have grown and are a better person.

Sometimes the most difficult lessons in life are the ones that force us to break out of our box and make a decision. You can either learn from the pain or you can be destroyed by it. Everything depends on where your thoughts are control what you think about and you will control your life.

Seven Signs of a Cheating Husband

1. Is your husband paying more attention to his appearance? Is he wearing new clothes; using cologne; and make sure his hair is combed? If this is not his normal behavior then this is a huge sign your husband is having an affair.

2. Is he critical of you and has he been picking fights lately? This is another big sign. My ex was very cranky around the time he was cheating and I couldn't understand why he was so angry with me. I remember one night he got dressed, put on his shoes and brushed his teeth. I thought it was odd because it was late and it looked like he was going somewhere. Instead he sat on the couch. As I was finishing something on the computer, he yelled: "So you're not going to spend any time with me? Fine, I'm, going to my friend's house." And he got up and left. I realized later that he was purposely picking a fight so he could have an excuse to leave the house. His "friend" was, of course, his lover.

3. Watch out if he is suddenly too nice to you. If this is not his normal behavior then he could be feeling very guilty and trying to assuage his pangs of guilt.

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I've said it before and I'll say it again, "kids aren't stupid" and they are very intuitive.  I never saw my parents fight or even raise their voices to each other, but I knew they weren't happy.  There was simply a shift in their behavior that didn't seem quite right to me.  They didn't seem quite as affectionate as before.  I noticed my dad started working longer hours than usual.  My mother started taking me on more weekend getaway trips out of town.  So what did I do when this started happening?  I asked my parents up front "What's going on?" 

Now I'm sure most kids aren't like me ... as a matter of fact, I know most kids aren't like me.  Most would probably become shy little snails, some would lash out with bad behavior and others might even try hurting themselves because they feel in some strange way that the divorce is their fault.  I never had that opportunity because of the forethought of my parents.

At an early age I got involved in the performing arts.  I started the drama club at my elementary school because I wanted to be on stage.  When my parents started the divorce process they really ramped up my involvement in performing so I was too distracted to see all the rest of the stuff that was going on in the background of my life.  As I stated in an earlier article my parents thought out everything they did concerning my upbringing and I see it more now (of course) than I did then.  They tried to keep my life as "normal" as possible and I thank them for that.  My father and mother took me to rehearsals and helped with fund raising for special events and they attended all my performances, of which there were many.  They were both really involved in my life and made me feel secure that I had a strong "family" foundation even though my parents weren't in the same home.

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In my last article, I wrote about things to consider before making the decision to divorce. This article deals with accepting and recognizing when it is time to "throw in the towel." Below are a few signs that you are dealing with a marriage that has gone past the point of saving...in my opinion.

Are you to the point that your spouse just can't do anything right, does everything they do get under your skin?

Shortly before my Aunt and Uncle divorced, I heard her say, "If he died tomorrow I'd have to peel an onion before I could shed a tear." Their marriage had gone on way too long. So long that she had developed feelings of animosity toward her husband. If you feel yourself moving in that direction, do yourself and him a favor and move on.

Are you tired of the trying, so tired you can't muster of the energy to even engage anymore?

Trying to solve marital problems can turn into a cycle of the wife trying to get her needs met and the husband stonewalling or dismissing her. A woman will normally try to re-engage her husband. Women are natural problem solvers who don't give up easily. She will eventually tire of trying to engage her husband in finding solutions to the marital problems. She will withdraw, stop expressing her needs; and once this happens, the marriage is headed for separation or divorce.

Does the idea of sex with your spouse cause you to shudder?

Are you like Megan, one of First Wives World's Community Bloggers? Does the idea of sex with your husband cause you to feel trapped, like you want to cry, pack your bags and never come back? If so, it is time to act on your feelings.

Has the love you felt been replaced by resentment?

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