Consider all the hoopla around weddings. Your family and friends surround you and pronounce, through their words and deeds, that they stand by your side during this life-changing experience. The band or DJ plays your favorite tune as you and your husband sway together wrapped in each other's arms. It's a great moment in your life.

Yet when you choose to make an equally life-changing experience to end your marriage, there are no rented dance halls, elaborate floral arrangements or three-layered cakes. And, more importantly, there is often no support around you for the decision that you make. There are many reasons to decide to leave a marriage, just as there are many reasons to start one. The problem is, you don't have nearly so much explaining to do when you are putting the ring on as you do when you are permanently taking the ring off. Many couples I talk to say that they feel pressure from family and friends to stay together in the marriage for one prevailing reason: the children.

Admittedly, I'm one of those therapists who supports people staying in a marriage that's less than ideal, particularly if there are children involved. If there is domestic violence in the household, or any dangerousness, either from substance abuse or sexual infidelity, then leaving a marriage may be the only option left. But, the fact is, for many reasons, marriages end.

Most children haven't read the textbooks on human psychology, but they have an uncanny suspicion that an ideal world is one in which their mother and their father participate together in bringing them up. The problem for the children is that they cannot choose whether their parents stay together. That sobering reality leaves parents who decide to split with the possibility that their children, whom they have promised to protect against harm at all costs, may suffer.

When Ellen was planning her parents' 50th wedding anniversary, one of the most difficult things she faced was convincing her ex to switch vacation schedules so their son could attend the gala event in California.

"Bob is a rigid digit. I knew he was going to give me a hard time because he resents being shut out of my family. Bob loved my parents and he would have liked to attend their celebration which was never going to happen. Not if they wanted me there!"

The upshot is Bob stuck to his guns. The boy missed the party and was furious with his father.

For both parents and children, visitation is critical in establishing a healthy working relationship during and after divorce. A flexible visitation pattern demonstrates love and support for your child. Parents who cooperate are able to separate their spousal relationship from their parenting relationship. They use visitation as an opportunity for healing, not an opportunity for revenge.

That said, how should you handle important events if you and your ex are constantly engaged in a standoff? How can you make the best of a difficult situation? Here are some pointers:

School conferences are always a challenge. If your child needs special services, arrange for a one-on-one conference and ask that a summary of any recommendations be sent to each of you so you and your ex are on the same page.

Pageants, plays and recitals often have more than one performance. Communicate the one you plan to attend. If you cannot agree, you could, of course, sit in the balcony with a paper bag over your head, but that wouldn't be very adult.

Sports events, fortunately, have bleachers. Sit far enough away from your ex but make sure to cheer loud enough for your child to hear you.

First, as a newly separating mom, you have three concerns that must be balanced: (1) making things as easy as possible for the children, (2) establishing a collaborative post-marital relationship with your ex, and (3) protecting your parenting rights. A good rule of thumb is to not make any big decisions without consulting with your attorney. Make sure that you understand under what circumstances your temporary parenting arrangements during this transition time may become set in stone for the long-term. What you want to avoid is agreeing to an arrangement because your kids are begging you or your ex is pressuring you (imagine that your ex encouraged your children to ask you whether he could take them for a week to Disney World), only to find out later that you have created a precedent for a parenting arrangement that you do not believe is in the best interest of your children.

The second balancing act is between providing your children with consistency in their relationships and activities while being flexible enough to meet their changing needs as they adjust to the enormous upheaval in their lives. There will be times when it is more important that they go to that soccer game because they have a commitment to the team while other times it may be more important for an impromptu ice cream outing with Dad to reassure them that he still loves them and will be in their lives. You must trust that you know your kids and can tell one situation from the other. You need to let them know that this may be a difficult time for them and they may have more complicated feelings than usual but, at the same time, you expect them to fulfill their obligations and function to the best of their ability.

Divorce is very difficult on the entire family. There can be emotional and physical strains on all members of the family, especially the children. Since divorce can be so traumatic on children, many couples try to do anything they can to shield their children from this fate. When examining the aspects of whether a couple should or should not divorce, it is important to take into account various data points regarding each particular family.

There are many reasons that some couples decide to stay together. One may be that they are able to maintain normal family relations regardless of their martial state. In this instance, the parents might believe that since their issues are not harming their children, they will continue to maintain the family dynamic until they are no longer able to do so. These particular parents have made the decision to suppress their own needs until the children are older and out of the home so there will be less traumatic events for the children.

Monetary issues also play a role in whether couples stay together or not. If the couple deems that by separating they will be in great financial distress, they may wait until the time that both parents will be stable enough on their own. These couples know that if they had to separate, both the parents and children would suffer due to the monetary loss. For example, a mother who had originally stayed at home might have to return to work. In turn, younger children might be forced into a childcare situation which would be a big change for them. Other issues would affect the children if there were monetary strains from a divorce, from large changes such as a loss of their home to even small changes such as not being able to purchase extra items such as toys.