Saving Marriages? One Size Doesn’t Fit All

Saving Marriages? One Size Doesn’t Fit All

I stumbled across a column in a small Georgia newspaper written by the president of the Georgia Family Council. Not surprisingly, he was advocating the benefits of sticking it out through the bad parts of a marriage and not getting divorced.

I always cringe when I hear about organizations like this. They have an agenda — usually a conservative political agenda that is religiously motivated — that I don’t care for. And you can start to get that vibe when you read the writer’s "strengthen the family" message. But rather than simply being critical on socio-political grounds, I think it’s wise to read what he has to say and then see if you agree or disagree with it on a point-by-point basis.

He says the National Survey of Marriage and Families reported that 77 percent of people who said their marriage went through a period where it was "not good" reported that it was "good" or "very good" five years later. We don’t know what "not good" means. But I think anyone who starts contemplating divorce would characterize their marriage as a lot worse than "not good." So right away I find the logic faulty.

He says that some couples survived their troubles through stubborn endurance. Anyone else laugh out loud at that idea? He suggests stubborn endurance can even help a marriage survive infidelity. Got news for you, mister: I don’t believe in surviving infidelity. That’s just crazy talk. I believe in kicking his cheating ass to the curb!

He says couples should be committed enough to work through their problems. I agree with that. No problem there.

He says divorce doesn’t necessarily make you happier, even if you’re in an unhappy marriage, and he cites experts and statistics to back him up. I don’t think you can trust experts or statistics to tell you whether you’re going to be happier after a divorce. Everyone is different. This argument is totally moot. You have to do what you feel is right for you.

And finally, he says that it’s not necessarily better for children when unhappy parents go their separate ways. The conventional wisdom is that it’s better for kids if they’re not stuck in an unhappy home. It’s hard to know how a divorce will impact children in the long term, as opposed to having the kids grow up in a tension-filled home. He might be right about this one. He might not be. Again, I don’t think it’s the kind of thing you can rely on someone else to tell you how to handle. You have to do what you think is best if you have children. And even if you do split up, you have to learn how to co-parent through your divorce.