Last week, I discussed the role of parents in divorces of adult children. Now I want to look at the consequences of senior divorces on their adult children and grandchildren.

When Grandma or Grandpa decide to divorce, adult children tend to side with the abandoned parent. When this happens, grandchildren follow the cues of their parents, resulting in estrangement from one grandparent. Adult children have the burden of explaining the divorce to their own children who can worry that their parents will also separate.

Grandparents don't want to become distant from their grandchildren, but family separations do occur. In an article I was reading, one 12-year-old wondered if she would be seeing her Granddad anymore. The answer? "Yes, but not with Grandma." It was awkward for her when Granddad came over since she was closer to her grandmother.

One daughter, angry that her father left her mother, experienced "horror" at meeting his new "companion." Children also wonder if their potential inheritance will be lost to a stranger. Divorcing seniors divide family loyalties, with adult children caught in the middle.

In one family, a grandmother refused to attend the christening of her grandchild because her son had invited her ex-husband's new partner. The son found himself in a no-win situation.

Just as parents of adult divorcing children need to stay neutral and build good fences, there are rules for adult children to follow when their parents divorce.

1. Allow yourself to grieve over your parents' divorce.
2. Let your parents know how you feel to avoid anger from surfacing later.
3. Assure your children they will still see their grandparents.
4. Don't take sides — stay clear and neutral.
5. Don't try to mother or smother either parent with caring advice.

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Married couples contemplating a split always wonder if they can afford a divorce. Divorce costs in the United States vary, but one expert estimates a cost range of between $10,000 and $15,000, with an average of $15,000. There are too many variables to nail down specific numbers since it depends upon the expertise and experience of the attorney you engage. Savvy divorce attorneys may charge $400 or $500 per hour plus expenses. Others could start as low as $165 per hour.

The hourly rate of the attorney is not the only cost to consider. The court filing fees, the number of issues to be litigated, the number of legal filings, cost of appraisers, expert witnesses and use of a mediator all add to the total. Contested divorces can take a year or more to settle while the cost meter keeps running.

For an uncontested divorce with few issues involved, the cheapest way to uncouple is to use the do-it-yourself forms on the Internet. This method will cost about $300. I do not recommend this route because it is best that each party have an attorney to make sure mistakes are not made.

Mediation is another cost saver. Experienced in family law, mediators can usually sort out matters in less than eight hours and the cost is about $5,000. It is advisable that each party have an attorney.

You can minimize attorney hourly fees by keeping a few things in mind:

1. Secure required tax forms, mortgage and financial information.
2. Don’t call the attorney constantly with questions. Save them up for one call.
3. Try talking to a junior attorney with lower hourly fees.
4. Negotiate and settle issues with your spouse in advance.
5. If negotiation is not possible, have your attorney negotiate a settlement outside of court.
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I just read a piece by a couple's financial advisor who wrote about the psychological and economic impact of divorce. After listing reasons why divorce is so expensive, emotionally and financially, he advised couples to "avoid divorce at all costs." I don't agree.

This suggestion may have merit in some splits, but not in all cases. Married people agree that marriages and relationships change, precluding the bliss of courtship days. He believes that problem marriages can survive with dedicated effort and good counseling. Perhaps some marriages can be saved but say you're married to a drug or alcohol abuser, those tendencies may never be changed. Anger management classes can improve physically abusive behavior, but in some cases women and children must escape that environment.

Couples that see divorce as their best recourse will realize that the cost of the procedure almost matches the emotional anguish. Why does divorce cost so much?

Marriage is an economic partnership which requires complicated steps to undo. Two households must be maintained along with the attendant household expenses. Attorneys fees, appraisals, if there is real estate, the splitting of investments and court costs add up. An assessment of the income and earning capacities of each party must be made. Child support, day care, health and educational expenses must be allocated to each party. Neither party walks away unscathed.

The sad thing is that divorce leaves women and their children more economically disadvantaged than men. No matter how you slice the pie, I have found that women and children usually end up with the smallest slice. Women and children can be extremely economically dependent upon men.

Saving a marriage is one route and divorce may be the ultimate step, regardless of economic consequences. What do you think?
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Good communication between spouses about money matters is a must. Often it it's not until each party submits the required financial filings to the divorce court, that secrets of a couple's finances are revealed.

Here are some tips for promoting financial harmony. And they just might help prevent a split in the first place.

#1: Don't keep financial secrets from your spouse, particularly debt issues. Separate checking and savings accounts and undisclosed purchases may be the first step toward serious problems.

Lack of honesty in money matters may indicate a pattern of non-communication in other marital aspects. The stress of not having sufficient income to pay the bills will lead to arguments with your spouse about household issues which could result in divorce. It's tough to establish a budget to live by if both parties aren't aware of the income and expenses.

Of course, some experts say keeping separate accounts are a good idea. The thinking goes both ways...

#2: Know how you spend marital money. Use a spreadsheet to log in 12 months worth of income and expenditures. This will give you an overview of how you spend your money and where there may be shortfalls.

Establishing a monthly budget for housing, utilities, food, entertainment, transportation, repairs/replacements gifts and debt will help keep expenditures under control. Ideally no more than 30% of one's gross income should be spent for rent or mortgage payments. A budget should limit revolving credit payments to 10-15% of gross income.

An ideal budget should allocate 10% of takehome pay toward debt. Both partners need to realize an unbalanced budget demands increased income or cuts in spending!
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