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Naomi Dunne's picture

Releasing The Anger: A Buddhist View Of Divorce

Posted by Naomi Dunne on Wed, 02/06/2008 - 7:00pm

Working at First Wives World, I'm surrounded by divorce every day. I like the stuff that heals and I try to avoid the stuff that hurts. A lot of divorce books come my way, and most of them could handily be retitled: "Take Him To The Cleaners: How to take your man hating bitterness to new heights" and not even the author would know the difference.

Not this one, though. "Storms Can't Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce" by Gabriel Cohen has me very, very excited. Part memoir, part self-help, the newly Buddhist Cohen writes about the day his wife left without a backwards glance or even a note.

"Change and loss are inevitable, but that the suffering we derive from them is not," says Cohen of his new spiritual path and the time after the end of his marriage. He found Buddhism via a flier, and while he thought it would be hokey, he went along to the advertised talk anyway. He credits Buddhism with allowing him to release his anger, something we could all use.

This book is one of three Cohen has released this year, in three different genres through three different publishers. When I split up with my ex I hid in my apartment and read chick lit for two years. This guy's published three books. That alone is something to learn from.

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We've come a long way from Emily Post and old school Miss Manners. Etiquette books used to be about appropriate table settings and the socially correct way to address a wedding invitation. With a divorce rate that seems to be permanently set at 50 percent and an awkwardness quotient that sits at around 100 percent, it's not surprising that people have questions.

In a recent piece I read, the friend of a divorcée is looking for help. Seems like the ex-wife went on a bit of a hate campaign and rallied her friends into believing the husband was completely at fault. The friend, now divorced herself, has come to realize that nothing is ever as black and white as it seems, feels bad for alienating the guy and wants to recreate a friendship with him.

So what's the etiquette here? Personally, I think there's no reason to rekindle that friendship. If the split was recent, everybody's feelings are going to be hurt and this woman will end up in the middle of something ugly. If it was a long time ago, the guy has probably moved on and doesn't want to dredge up the past. If he hasn't moved on, she's going to end up playing Agony Aunt to a bitter and lonely man, which doesn't exactly make for lively dinner party conversation.

My advice? Learn from your mistakes, but don't try to get someone else involved in fixing them. You treated this guy like crap because you believed the venom your friend was spewing about him. Apologize if it makes you feel better, but leave the door closed. When you find yourself in this situation again — and you will, because everybody and their mother is getting divorced these days — don't be so quick to judge.

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The public turnaround of Sarah Ferguson, Duchess of York, is an inspiration to divorced women everywhere. Where our own marriage and personal failings and mistakes are embarrassing in front of our families, friends, and maybe the readers of our blogs, Fergie's have been published everywhere. Yes, splitting up with my husband was difficult, but not as difficult as waking up to find you've been renamed The Duchess of Pork by the entire British press.

No wonder she gained so much weight.

Fergie gave a talk in California on Monday night as part of their Distinguished Speakers program and talked about her divorce, her kids, her weight issues — the whole gamut. "My only friend was food," she said. "My pet ponies and food got me through."

She went on to explain that she and Prince Andrew still share a home together, where they raise their daughters, Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie, although they have no plans to reconcile. It's simply a convenient and secure environment in which to raise their daughters. "I still do love my handsome prince, but it just works better for us this way to keep things the way they are."

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were all that well adjusted?

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