A couple of marriage mediators in Holland are getting ready to hold that country's first divorce fair.

We've seen these events in other countries as well. Mediation, not surprisingly, is the big thrust of this event. The organizers say that many of Holland's 60,000 annual divorces could be avoided through mediation.

There's also a survey circulating on behalf of the event that found that 90 percent of women say a good relationship is the most important thing in their lives. Meanwhile, 88 percent said their lives are too stressful, and very few women said money (12 percent) or career (8 percent) are priorities when it comes to determining happiness.

Bearing all those things in mind appears to set the stage for marriage mediators to have a successful business in Holland. It's not the material things that seem to matter to women there, it's having a good relationship. And if that's your goal, as opposed to wealth or career advancement, it seems like there's a good chance that mediation would be helpful in restoring damaged relationships.

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I read a very thought-provoking piece the other day by a columnist from a newspaper in Northern Ireland. She's divorced and has since remarried. And while she's glad her country's divorce laws have been relaxed over the years, she clearly doesn't relish having gone down that road. And she warns anyone considering or going through a divorce not to take it lightly.

That's a point worth making. On one hand, several of us here at FWW, including me, have been harshly critical of nations and cultures where divorce is made difficult, or governed by archane laws, or where the process is tilted in the man's favor. We think it should be your right if it's what you feel is right for you. But for every person who decides to divorce after careful thought and hard work to save the marriage, there are others who seemingly do it on a whim.

The writer seems content with the way her life has ended up, but it sounds like she has regrets about the road she's traveled to get there. And for a lot of us, that may the best we can hope for after a divorce.

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If you thought marriage was bad here, you should see what's going on in apparently not-so-merry-old England.

According to a survey conducted by a group of lawyers, 59 percent of British wives would divorce immediately if they knew they would not have to worry about their post-divorce financial security. Many — 37 percent — said they were staying in their marriages for the sake of their children, 12 percent said they were in loveless marriages, and 35 percent said they believed their marriages would end up that way.

Now, I'm not sure what to make of these numbers, considering the source. Apparently the law firm that conducted this survey did so after the rash of new divorce cases earlier this month. That, of course, is an annual trend, as many couples wait until the holidays are over before actually going forward with their plans to split up. But my healthy skepticism of the legal profession aside, I don't doubt that these numbers are reflective of the poor state of marriages.

The statistics confirm what many of us who have been through divorce know — money matters are a big deal when you're splitting up. And no doubt there are women and men alike who stay put because they're concerned about not being able to make ends meet on their own.

But perhaps the most startling statistic was that 60 percent were not aware of mediation options that can make the process easier to navigate and cost less. On one hand, you can see the law firm trying to sell its services with that number. But again, it's probably accurate. People get intimidated by the costs and the idea of dealing with the legal system, so they don't pursue a divorce, even if it's what they want to do.

The other day, I read a column written by a California psychologist who clearly aims to talk people out of divorce. The piece she wrote is actually a follow up to another one she did last month, titled "Downsides to divorce."

First of all, I don't think anyone needs to be told there are downsides to splitting up. I guess there is a faction of people, locked in bad marriages, who view divorce as some sort of panacea. And in some ways it is. But it comes with a whole new set of problems too, and I don't think it takes much effort for someone to see that.

As I read this most recent column, I was struck by the seemingly stubborn lengths she suggests going to in order to save a marriage. She talks about making lists of what things you think bother your spouse about you — the idea being to understand how your spouse feels and then decide if you can change.

The thing is, when you're in the midst of your marriage falling apart, you don't have the patience or mental fortitude for such things. Honestly, I don't see how the decision to divorce can be turned into some academic exercise. Counseling? Sure. I can handle that. It's active. You go and you talk and you get your feelings out and get an immediate reaction. But I don't think you clear anything up with just you and a pen and paper.

The writer does, however, make a few valid points. She says having an affair to make you feel better will do more harm than good in the long run. I have to agree with that one. And she hints at how difficult post-divorce life can be. But the operative word there is "can." Sometimes it gets bad before it gets better. Sometimes it's just a relief, period.

Bottom line, I'm not sure I'd want to seek help from a counselor who seems so staunchly opposed to divorce. If it were me, I'd want someone to listen and help me make the best decision for me, not the one they think is best.

So it turns out there's a biological reason people get divorced. I'd say "stop the presses!" but considering we're on the Internet, I'm not sure what the appropriate phrase is. "Stop the download!" Doesn't really work, does it?

Anyway, there's a new study from biologists at Britain's University of Bristol that claims, essentially, people's desire to divorce is connected to the process of natural selection. And despite the convoluted, densely worded explanation I read on a British Web site, it actually seems to make a little sense.

Think about it: Natural selection dictates that we instinctively do things and make choices that are in our own best interest. Survival of the fittest, right? Getting married is something we do when we make the decision that it's in our best interest to pair up with someone. And divorce happens when we decide it's in our best interest to not be paired up anymore — or to be paired up with someone different.

So there you have it. It's all perfectly scientific. It would be easy to toss this aside — and frankly that was my first "instinct" — because it discounts so much of the human equation. We're not purely creatures of instinct, whether you believe that's how we started out or not. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that maybe our base instincts remain an important piece of the puzzle.

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Sometimes you read a story about a family in crisis and it gives you more than a little perspective. Everyone has pain and suffering and frustration during a divorce. But there's a family in England that is living a nightmare.

Angela Cannings was in custody for four years for allegedly murdering two infant sons. She was eventually freed four years ago when a court determined that SIDS was to blame for the deaths. As if that's not bad enough, she also lost another child to SIDS. Upon being released from jail, it seems Cannings and her husband tried to start rebuilding their life. But last year, she left for a "fresh start." The two have shared custody of their only surviving child, but now Cannings is seeking a divorce and full custody of the child.

I barely know where to begin talking about this story. There is no answer. This family has been ripped apart on multiple levels. They have lost three children. Their surviving daughter spent four years without a mother. And now, on top of everything else, they're having to navigate a divorce. I guess in a strange, cruel way the divorce is the least of their concerns after everything that's happened. But I don't mean to be callous about it. This is a family that's been through unspeakable pain. Here's hoping the three of them — mother, father and daughter — can find some help and some peace.

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Score one for tragic irony: Australian marriage expert Corey Donaldson became an author on the strength of his questions about preparing for marriage, and now that he's divorced, he's asking more questions in a new book.

His story is interesting, to say the least. At 23, Donaldson came to the U.S. (Utah, to be exact) to marry his pen-pal girlfriend, and he ended up publishing a book about all of the questions he asked and answered for himself during the process.

Fast-forward a decade and the inevitable has happened. I hate to be cynical (OK, not really) but is anyone surprised that his marriage didn't work out? I mean, it's great in theory. The distance makes you want the person that much more. And clearly, as evidenced by his book, he put a lot of thought into deciding whether to get married. His questions about divorce will, no doubt, give everyone something to think about.

But to me, the underlying story here is that you can't trust a so-called "expert" or "guru" to really give you any insights. As an article I read on Donaldson in the Salt Lake Tribune the other day pointed out, there are numerous examples of people writing advice or self-help books and then having to publicly live down the trials and tribulations of their own personal lives. So I get a little frustrated when I see people hold themselves out as someone who has answers.

Guess what? You have a lot of your own answers in your head. We all do. All you really have to do is spend some time figuring out what's right for you.

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It seems Japanese businessmen are getting serious about saving their marriages. CNN did an entertaining report on an organization called the National Chauvinistic Husbands Association, which, despite the way that name sounds, pushes men to be better husbands. There's probably a little something lost in translation with that name, but what they advocate seems pretty clear. Basically, they tell the guys to be more attentive and practice the "three golden rules of love." You're dying to know, so here they are:

• Say thank you without hesitation.
• Say I'm sorry without fear.
• Say I love you without embarrassment.

What's interesting is that there may be one particular factor motivating all of this good husbanding: pension money. Japan enacted a law this year that entitles a woman to claim half of her husband's pension in a divorce.

Let the courtesy and chivalry begin!

The number of divorce cases has risen in Japan, but it's still nowhere even close to what we have here in the U.S. I'd like to think that guys don't need a point-by-point lesson plan in what amounts to basic sensitivity. But that's wishful thinking, isn't it? We all know they do. And there are probably a lot of long-held cultural standards in Japan that keep the guys from having a sense of what to do. So we should all give a big thumb's up to the Chauvinistic Husbands Association!

Put that on the top of the list of things I never thought I'd hear myself say.

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It's unlikely that you and your ex will walk out of your divorce proceedings arm-in-arm, as the author of a newly released book claims she did. But it sounds like if you take some of the steps she recommends in her book, it can help make the process more smooth.

Stacy Schneider, a one-time divorce attorney herself, put out a book called "He Had It Coming," which was written up in the New York Times over the weekend. According to the review, she lays out a lot of common-sense ideas for women getting ready to go through a divorce. The goal, she says, is to give women a little support as they go through the difficulties of divorce. A lot of tips are things she suggests you do in advance, like setting up your own bank accounts and credit cards.

It certainly sounds like a worthwhile book to read if you're considering divorce. But it seems to me that if that's where you are — still together with your husband and trying to figure out what to do — this book might be an awful lot to handle. It's hard enough trying to make that decision to end your marriage, but if you then read about all of the things there are to do once that decision is made ... well, it would be more than enough to scare me.

I really think you have to be careful about getting too much advice when you're in that "considering" stage. When you don't know what you want, it can be way too easy to be swayed one way or another by a so-called expert who's hawking a new book.

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It's good to get a little common-sense advice during a crazy time. As we've written before, a lot of marriages break up during this time of year. And a piece I read in the Washington Post did a nice job of summing up a few things to think about if it happens to you. The writer talked to five divorce experts (three men, two women, four of them divorced) and offered up a few tips that I thought were worthwhile.

Get counseling. Don't rush into a lawyer's office or be in a hurry to file paperwork. First go talk to someone. Ideally, you do this as a couple, but I think it would be valuable to do on your own if you feel like your marriage is falling apart and you need to talk it out.

Be careful about the tone. This one is hard. If you're initiating a conversation to end your marriage, there's no easy way to do it. Maybe the holiday season isn't the best time to have that talk. But when you do, you need to try to be as calm as possible. Sure, you may end up shouting at each other. But eventually, you're going to need to sit and have a real conversation about it.

Give each other time. This one is important if you're the one who initiates. You've already made your decision, but he hasn't. And even if he realizes you're right, he will probably still need time to digest it.

Stay out of court. Wow, glad to see someone besides me pushing this one. Mediation is the way to go. Dig in with lawyers and you're going to cost yourself time and money that you'll never get back.