firstwivesworld - Resource Article - Comments

Being A Dad

Guest — Fri, 16 May 2008 11:04:45 -0400

The hardest thing in the world to do is keep quiet while you feel anger and resentment towards your ex. I commend your parents for showing such restraint and wisdom. You mother made a very wise statement about your father. Sometimes parents don't know how to be a parent, after all, children don't come with instructions.

I was in prison.

Wanda Woodard — Thu, 15 May 2008 09:54:44 -0400

That's exactly how it felt the last year with Stinky -- a prison. Sure I went about my life, my career, working and socializing, but inside I was dying slowly a little more each day. He was killing me both physically and spiritually. Thank you, Cathy for all your help and for being a great source of strength and guidance for us all.

Thanks for your post

Parent Coach Susan — Mon, 12 May 2008 15:47:38 -0400

I would agree,Thirteen, is a great film. Watching movies with your teen gives you the backdrop to get into conversations that might be quite tense or uncomfortable. It gives moms the opportunity to ask questions..."What do you think of this mom? What do you think this girls choices were? Did she have other people in her life she could talk to?... Thanks Wanda, Parent Coach Susan www.parentingpowers.com Thanks Wanda, P

Excellent post

Wanda Woodard — Mon, 12 May 2008 13:10:53 -0400

May I recommend the movie "Thirteen" to all mothers with divorced teens -- my twelve year old and I watched this together, and it was extremely beneficial. She loved the film, but thought it was tough to watch. I think it really reached her. And she liked that I wanted to watch it with her. I strongly recommend this film. And, of course, Holly Hunter, who plays the divorced mom, is beyond excellent as a woman with feelings of her own. Great flick fellow FWW'ers.

Yes, it is for the children in the end

Wanda Woodard — Mon, 12 May 2008 09:18:02 -0400

I kept going back because I thought the children needed their father. I thought the abuse was just reserved for me, of course I wasn't thinking very clearly back then. It was only after a year of being away from him that my children revealed to me some of the mental abuse (and even some physical) that their father had heaped upon them. When I asked them why they had not told me before and while we were there with their father, they said, "we weren't sure you wouldn't go back to him until now." It broke my heart. Thank God he hit me -- the physical violence is what brought me to my senses. It was a lose/lose for everyone involved. Thank you for helping to validate my decision to leave.

Teens Divorce

Parent Coach Susan — Sat, 10 May 2008 07:17:37 -0400

Dorotheaa, Thanks for your post. This is a tough time for parents and teens. Often teens are embarrassed to show their feelings. Just being available may be enough to get the conversation going. It os also ok to assume your teen is hurting..."I know you are angry"...if they aren't they'll let you know. Susan

How teens handle divorce

Guest — Fri, 09 May 2008 23:06:17 -0400

Very insightful article! I agree, very good advice. Both parents and teenage children need to talk and talk alot. As long as it takes and as much as they both want to. you sem very grounded. i wish you the best and brightest future. There are alot of teens out there who could benefit from your words. Keep up the good talk!

teens divorce

Dorotheaa — Fri, 09 May 2008 13:31:51 -0400

This is good advice, often the kids resort to their own dark thoughts and reading your article is very healthy advice for parents who are experiencing divorce. Keeping them talking and telling you what's on their minds is very important. I hope other families take your advice and understand sometimes kids have to be prodded to talk about what hurts.... Dorothy from grammology remember to call gram grammology.com

Two Homes, but not exactly!

Guest — Thu, 08 May 2008 15:59:05 -0400

You speak about 2 homes, what about adult children that still live with one parent? Should the parent that moved out provide a place for their adult child to come to? And what if that person moved in with a 'significant other"? How should that be handled?

I think that Antonio's

Vanessa M — Thu, 08 May 2008 12:10:42 -0400

I think that Antonio's situation speaks to how well his parents knew him as a person. Sure, not all 12 year-olds would be adept at handling that type of question, but clearly Antonio was, and his parents knew that about their son. They may have made an unconventional choice, but that hardly makes it the wrong choice, and in this case, it seems clear that for their family it was the right choice.

child of divorce

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 22:52:47 -0400

You have a stong sense of what is right. I admire your courage and strength of character that you posses for such a young girl. Most of all I love your spirit; meeting the challenges head on and learning from each opportunity life thows at you is a healthy prognosis for your next forty years, after college. Keep your eyes on that horizon prepared and your opimist nature will see you through life easily, happy and fulfilled.

Divorce for the sake of the children

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 20:20:45 -0400

If it wasn't for my children I might still be in an abusive marriage. It's amazing what you can do for your children that you don't feel justified in doing for yourself. No matter what else in life my children had to face I knew that they had to be protected from living in that marriage day after day.

"i would not have "ran" it

Cathy Meyer — Wed, 07 May 2008 09:45:32 -0400

"i would not have "ran" it by my children or left the decision up to them. That's too much weight for a child to bear if u ask me." I don't believe it is too much weight for a child. I feel that one of the things that cause children so much pain and frustration during their parent's divorce is the lack of control they feel over what is happing to their worlds. I also believe that ultimately, the most important thing in a child's life is that their parents be happy. If children are made a part of the process and are made to understand that their parents will be happier apart then children are going to make the choice that means happiness for their parents. Giving a child the opportunity to do that also gives the child a feeling of having had some control over what happened. Antonio's mother was very smart woman. She got what she wanted...a divorce AND she enabled her child to feel as if he had some control over his life. From my point of view, she took care of her needs and her child's needs at the same time. Most children are the last to know their parents are divorcing. Most feel blind sighted by the fact and are left to deal with the drastic change to their lives on their own. How is that better than the way Antonio's mother handled her situation? Children play a role in the divorce process, they should also be given a voice and permission to express how they feel about it.

You hit home.

Wanda Woodard — Wed, 07 May 2008 09:33:18 -0400

Tammy, I was in an abusive marriage (it didn't start that way) and had to make the decision to leave everything and save my life and the mental health of my children. That meant leaving all the money and property and the best job I'd ever had. And I was 49 at the time -- a little old to be starting over from scratch with nothing. But, as you say, abuse cannot be tolerated. You (the victim) have to leave, period. End of story. Thank you for reminding me that I did the only thing that I could do for the safety of my children and myself.

Interesting

Guest — Tue, 06 May 2008 21:15:09 -0400

Ladies- Ann Tardy broke up a marriage when the wife was 7 mos. preganant with her second child. Do you really want to take her advice? Very interesting choice of "expert" advice, no?