Good for You

elainemarleneforbes — Wed, 04 Jun 2008 00:05:21 -0400

I think reconnecting with you were before your marriage is a good idea. And it is never too late fo fulfill dreams. But I hope you do so using the strengths that come from greater life experiences and with an eye on the future. I have struggled with the idea "Do I try to become the young woman I thought I was intended to be if I hadn't got bogged down in illness and a bad marriage" or do I accept where I am in life and accept my life as it is. A sort of broken down 55 year old. I decided that there is another option to try to become the 55 year old I was intended to be. This might not be the fifty-five year old I would have thought to be. But it doesn't mean that I have to accept where I ended up. A friend asked what I thought the difference is. A friend of mine who I went to school with, got married to her university boyfriend, had a family, a bad marriage and a divorce. She started to start over again. She quit her job, sold her house and travelled around the world. Everyone thought that this was a gutsy and rewarding thing to do which it turned out to be. However this meant that she came back in the position of a twenty six year old without a money or a job but without the youth and health of a twenty-six year old. She has had a rough time. Difficulty finding work, getting bad jobs where she is taken advantage of, drinking too much.. My first thought that this just meant .. in all things moderation. Then I decided maybe her mistake was to try a do-over. Maybe she should have said if I had travelled the world when I was 22 what would I be doing now. Well likely she would have not quit her job but maybe negotiated more time off or job sharing in order to travel more. I know a woman who takes two months off a year to travel for example. Another divorced woman I know regretted that her life was full of study. She envied athletes and people who had been brave enough to take a year off and be a "ski bum" as young people So she took skiing lessons, and tennis lessons and golf lessons not for a year but for ten years. She is a lawyer who works four days a week as a lawyer and two days as a ski instructor during the winter (the other day is for fun skiing) and goes to some ski school to improve her skills for a week every year and a week vacation for fun skiing. . She is always the oldest person in every course she takes and often has to repeat courses. She is on the board of a ski club and a ski association. She meets a lot of her clients through skiing. If she had taken a year off to teach sking at the age of twenty two instead of doing a masters in arts and then a law degree and then a master of laws, she would not be skiing all year now she would be doing much what she is doing now. So what would a person who values cross cultural connection and service do at your stage of life. Take an administrative job at an NGO rather than volunteering in the peace corp? Now I just have to figure out what I would have been like at 55 years if I had made different choices at earlier ages....... I will let you know when I figure it out. It is hard because there are not a lot of precedents ahead of us. But I think it is doable.

Can I Get a "Do Over"?

Maya Halpen — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 11:43:42 -0400

As memories of six days of sea and jungle explorations sink in, my eyes open to an old truth about myself.

Years ago I toyed with thoughts of Peace Corp service, working my way around the globe, or a job "in country" with an NGO. When my ability was questioned by parents fearful of such a life, and as my debts rose, I abandoned those dreams. I came to think them ridiculous. (Handy mechanism, to reject away what you actually love but cannot have. It makes the not-having easier to bear!)

But seeking cross-cultural connections and serving others are the only things I've ever felt called to do. Now I'm curious: Can I tap into the strength of purpose I've always had down deep and honor my interests and pursue my dreams?

These days I have more tools in my toolbox and take much better care of my emotional self. Debt can be managed, and my relationship with Rob doesn't have to keep me stuck. Where before I saw obstacles, I now see creative ways to manage concerns. I see opportunity.

With Rob's evolving understanding and acceptance that I can't play the role of a typical wife, and a bit of saving and investigation, I might just be able to get what I always wanted.

This would not be an easy life, to be sure. But fearless exploration of my interior as I trek through new exteriors, and a strong home base from which to depart and return, no longer seem unattainable. Unconventional perhaps, but not unachievable.

firstwivesworld - Can I Get a "Do Over"? - Comments

Good for You

Can I Get a "Do Over"?