firstwivesworld - Study: Men Hit Harder By Divorce - Comments

i believe it...

Guest — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 00:11:08 -0400

its not divorce, but my ex just left me and took my kid, and took everything in the house and i lost my job because she started rumours about me doing cocaine and such. first i never did it in my life, second i spent more time with our kid then she ever drempt of, 3rd shes repeatedly cheated on me but i cared for her so fucking much, that i loved and would have done anything for her... and i forgave her each time.. and when things are finally starting to work and shes finally helping around the house ( i do the cleaning, cooking, laundry ) and when shes finally got a relationship with our baby girl, she takes off with our baby, and leaves me here with nothing... all my family lives about 5 hours away and further and i have no friends or job now..because of her.. i havent stoped crying and ill admit it... and im tired of this crap shes putting me threw and not ONE cop, or any in the courts have wanted to help me or will give me advice... so im saying my peice... if we are going to have equal rights, we need equal punishment also...she takes the kid its fine, i do its kidnapping, justifyable? she hits me she gets a warning, i hit her its jailtime... wtf? ... its not right and i will be voicing my opinion on every site i can find...

smart wman

Graham — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:37:27 -0400

In your particular case I couldn't agree with more. What has happened to you is not necessarily your fault but your ex should be part of your children's lives. Graham Miles, Windsor ON

Wanda Woodard

Graham — Sun, 03 Aug 2008 00:32:27 -0400

You are saying that the Canadian government lied to the population of Canada. You wouldn't know the truth if it hit you between the eyes. Face the facts; 90% of all women in this country end with the kids while 10% of the men get them. The women are wrong simply because those defenseless children still a father, the natural father, to grow up with. These kids need the love and guidance of both of their natural parents. ;You are just a selfish, unlearned, uneducated female. You're a man basher with no heart. Don't reply to this letter because I don't want to hear any more of your immature rubbish. Graham Miles, Windsor ONT

You got that right!

Wanda Woodard — Wed, 14 May 2008 18:01:02 -0400

Thank you for your insight, Lauren.

Here's where I take a little bit of exception...

laurengray — Wed, 14 May 2008 00:05:45 -0400

For the men in the study, it sounds like they were the ones whose spouses left the marriage. What about those who did the leaving? And what about those who did the leaving but never left? My own story is that after 8 years and two children, when I asked for a teenager to hire to drive the kids to soccer practice, he asked for a divorce. (No, I swear I'm not exaggerating) He then did not move out. He said he didn't have the money. I had the job. So I had to move -- away from the house that I built and paid for, away from the kids' schools, away from their home. Now he still lives in that house, and has moved his girlfriend in. SO... Seriously, don't listen to the crying of the few "wronged" dudes who would have their buddies believing that we are a race of hideous, hateful, whores. We pull it together, keep the kids afloat, manage our new lives, and do the best we can from day to day. All while wearing heels and dancing backward, right? Stay strong, girls.

This posting has been removed

Guest — Thu, 08 May 2008 19:46:54 -0400

We are always thrilled to find lively discussions taking place on the site and welcome all thoughts and comments. We feel that open discussion engenders the concept of the dynamic community we originally envisioned. However, we ask that you keep in mind that not one of us has the "right" answer to all of life's issues. Suggestions and opinions are encouraged, but comments that attack the personal integrity of members of our community will be removed from the site. --FWW staff

wanda is well paid? what?

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 19:19:59 -0400

you keep bringing up cheating....why? none of the women here have said anything about cheating. you clearly have an issue. and you have a right to be angry. but stop lashing out at us. and wanda, i'm glad to hear you are well paid. let's celebrate.

YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 19:16:09 -0400

i know a lot of divorced women. things don't stay the same. we don't always keep the house. we may keep the kids, but we lose the support. divorce is hard on everyone. but you know what....and this goes for all of the nasty negative post you have made towards the women that are on this site......this site is called first WIVES world. it is a support site for women. and just like men need a safe place to say anything they want, so do we. it doesn't make us man haters. you bash wanda directly. she is making generalizations based on her personal experience. is she fat, lazy, a failure at relationships? is this why she is divorced......no. she is a victim. read her post and you'll know. she lived with a man that was abusive, an alcoholic and a drug user. she's only a few years out of a very bad relationship. and if it takes her being a little angry to heal, well that is one of the steps. by the way, most of us on this site are intelligent women that understand we all have stories and opinions. we are all growing and healing. none of us are stupid enough to use this site to make life altering decisions. oh, and about us being intelligent women.......it's not that hard to tell where post come from and when someone is pretending to be different people. perhaps you should use your energy to create a support site for men that are in happy long term relationships with perfect women. let us use ours in the manner it was intended.

men are more depressed because

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 14:58:02 -0400

in a divorce, they lose everyhting and the lady life stays relatively the same - except for him being around. they keep the house, the friends, the car, the school system, the children, the money.. they only lose the marriage.. if women had more to lose in a divorce.. like guys do.. tehy would spend more time working on the marriage...if a cheating wife could lose the house , lose custody of the kids they would work harder at the marriage .. believe me... Men after divorce, find themselves in small apartments, writing spousal support checks and allimony checks, while the wife keeps the house, the kids, and gets a new man to sleep with them in the husbands bed! that is why guys are depressed dummies! IN A DIVORCE MEN LOSE EVERYTHING, WOMEN JUST LOSE THE HUSBAND... use you heads !

Source

Guest — Wed, 07 May 2008 08:29:07 -0400

I wouldn't mind seeing the source of this study to better understand the context, Julie. I think we'd be hard pressed to find a woman on this site that believes it could be that simple.....men hit harder by divorce than women.....not so much. I think the other two posters summed it up quite accurately. Often women do not have the time to "be" depressed. Doesn't mean they aren't, only that we don't have the time to wallow in it. Besides, men and women handle things differently. So to try to say who is more effected just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Women tend to have more of a willingness to find a support network through friends, family, church, whatever. Like Cathy said, men tend to look for something or someone they can blame so they can immediately "fix" the problem. Yep, I'd like to analyze that study. Can you send me the link?

And that pretty much says it all.

Wanda Woodard — Tue, 06 May 2008 17:04:06 -0400

Good point, Cathy. You gave what I believe to be a clear, unbiased viewpoint that is, indeed, truth founded. Way to go.

The difference between men

Cathy Meyer — Tue, 06 May 2008 16:53:22 -0400

The difference between men and women is that women look internally to solve emotional problems. When they are hit with depression, they take an inventory of what they may be doing or may have done to cause their negative feelings. Men look externally to try to find out what may be causing their negative feelings. This inability to look internally is, in my opinion what keeps them from seeking therapy, seeking out friends as a support system and eventually realizing they played a role in the problems that got them where they are. I love men, love most everything about them but I will be forever frustrated by their inability to admit they need help. The thing that bothers me about this study is that it is just one more thing men can blame on women. Some woman caused their depression because she wanted a divorce. It is just one more excuse for not taking an internal inventory and taking responsibility for their own feelings. The truth is, divorce stinks for anyone who goes through it...bottom line. I've been divorced for nine years. My ex, who wanted the divorce, is still angry because I ruined his life. He walked away, left me with two children to raise alone, my own depression to deal with yet in his mind I'm the bad guy. I moved on, did what I had to do to heal and got on with my life. He, on the other hand has seen his children once in five years, refuses to communicate with me and I'm sure is deeply depressed because he refuses to acknowledge he may have a problem and may need help. Show me a study that states why men are "hit harder" by divorce and I will back it 100%. Until then, I refuse to have pity on a gender that refuses to help itself.

I'm Callous, I'll give you that.

Wanda Woodard — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:59:54 -0400

Yes, men do tend to "hide" their feelings, especially around other men. But, I just have little sympathy for men. My experience has been that women always wind up with the short end of the stick overall. And, though you are a man, scientific studies are not real life. I've lived from Anchorage to Biloxi, I've seen relationships come and go for myself and for others. You might very well be an exceptional man, but for the most part, I think men tend to be self-centered. Their depression comes from their inability to actually look at the situation at hand and recognize their errors and faults. My ex has been depressed for two and a half years. He still will not admit he did anything wrong. He's unhappy, but he doesn't really understand that his happiness will only come when he owns up to his faults, sees his mistakes and recognizes his responsibilities. If Stinky would do what he should (by his children, not me) he could feel better about himself as a human being knowing that he was actually helping his young children move forward in their life. Instead he chooses to sit in his one of three homes, bury himself in self pity and continue to blame the ex-wife. I can only speak from my own personal experience and that of all the other women in my life that I have known that have been screwed by men, both literally and figuratively. I know. I know. I'm cynical. I'm jaded. But not about life in general. I don't hold it against MEN that my marriage sucked. In fact, I like men. I just don't want any man in my life ever again. They give nothing without a condition. Women, on the other hand, love unconditionally. Again, only the men and women that I have known. I cannot speak for the entire population. Yeah, I can really pick 'em, huh. But, love is blind is it not. Say, wanna have a drink? (a little levity to wrap things up)

Reading it wrong

Guest — Tue, 06 May 2008 14:00:14 -0400

I don't know, Wanda. I think you're reading it wrong. You make a distinction between "hit harder" and "depression". But the study is ABOUT depression. It's depression they're referring to when they say "hit harder by". You're likely right about the other aspects you mention; women may very well have a harder time than men. But this was a 10-YEAR scientific study on DEPRESSION, and the results are pretty definitive. It also makes sense to me. As the study suggests, men don't seek out confidants and support like women do. Men tend to hide their feelings publicly, especially around other men. So they may SEEM okay on the outside, but inside they might be DYING. And they frequently look for comfort in dumb places (drinking, casual sex, expensive toys, etc). And I say that as a MAN...a man who has historically handled break-ups very poorly...much worse than my ex's. And please don't think we all just miss our "maids" and "cooks". That might have been your ex (he sounds like a gem!), but it's not ALL of us!

Sorry, I think this study is biased.

Wanda Woodard — Tue, 06 May 2008 11:21:52 -0400

Yeah, men probably do get more depressed (I know Stinky is), but Men are definitely not "hit Harder" by divorce. Every single woman I know who has been divorced has had to struggle to overcome some very difficult almost impossible hurdles. The reason "men" get more depressed is because they have "more" time on their hands. Women don't get to stop. Ever. We're too busy making sure everyone else involved in the divorce does not fall apart (our children in particular). We're too busy trying to find a way to make ends meet. We don't get to have the luxury of feeling sorry for ourself. Men are such big babies. Geesh! And if one woman in their past ever did them wrong, all their future women end up paying for it. Regarding this study, "there's something rotten in the state of Denmark (Canada)" and I'm guessing its because the survey is simply biased -- designed to make us (women) "feel" for the poor, poor divorced men. Ok. Wow! That was some venting. I will say that some men, a very small percentage, may suffer more due to their divorce, but I would say the overwhelming majority are getting just what they deserved. They've lost their maid, their mistress, their cook, their nanny. This report sounds like bullshit to me, but thank you for sharing it. It's important for us to know what is being said out there.

Study: Men Hit Harder By Divorce

JulieSavard — Tue, 06 May 2008 09:09:12 -0400

Men are hit harder by divorce. So says Statistics Canada after performing a 10-year study on the effects of divorce on both men and women.

It makes sense. Women tend to think long and hard over their decision to instigate a divorce. A psychologist once told me that women take up to seven years to decide on whether to divorce their husband or not — and that once the decision is made, there's usually no going back.

Most men seem surprised when they hear the announcement of the desire for divorce. "I never realized... I didn't think it was that bad... Divorce?" They're shocked. They haven't taken time to contemplate whether divorce is the answer.

The StatsCan study also mentions that men suffer from higher rates of depression — the rate for depression was six times higher that of women.

This too, is understandable. Women have greater support systems of friends and family. They have emotional backup to help them deal with the effects of a divorce.

Women also tend to become the main caregiver if children are involved. They have companionship, responsibilities to maintain and duties to uphold. The men? They're left with an empty home, a lack of people, and only their feelings to deal with.

It's a painful situation. Solitude, isolation, a lack of support...It sounds like a good recipe for depression to me.

However, StatsCan didn't offer much backup for the causes of the post-divorce depression rates in men. The governmental agency didn't correlate custodial losses or change in parental responsibilities as being the issue to blame.

Common sense, though? I think so. Divorce is difficult for anyone to face. The thinking patterns, life changes, and ways that men tend to cope with emotional situations offers plenty of reason for increased rates of depression.