firstwivesworld - Alienating Friends to Save the Marriage - Comments

You took the words right out of my mouth

Wanda Woodard — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 10:16:20 -0400

Right you are, Cathy -- It is her THERAPIST who feels threatened and he's using the possibility of an inappropriate relationship as his defense. Translation: your therapist does not want you to see anyone else who might give you a different perspective on anything for fear of losing his job.

I think your therapist is

Guest — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 09:25:56 -0400

I think your therapist is jealous of Ted! Therapy should be something positive- yes, at times very uncomfortable, but this therapist seems like a jack-ass to me. I think it is a wonderful gesture that your pastor would want to counsel you and your husband. It may be time to fire your therapist. CM

awkward!

Guest — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:02:06 -0400

I agree with the other commenters. It sounds like your therapist wants/needs to have that conversation with *you*, or with another client of his. It stinks that he cast a suspicious light on your innocent relationship with your pastor. Even your husband seems to have a good relationship with your pastor, since the two of them talked about it first. Yikes.

I agree!

Guest — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 16:36:00 -0400

If he was a therapist with your best interests at heart, then he would focus on strengthening your trust in your own inner wisdom, which was telling you that there were no problems that needed to be addressed. Instead, he is acting as your inner wisdom, which was completely inappropriate and controlling. I have an amazing female therapist who has at times asked me questions to look at situations from different angles, but she has never manipulated/guilted me into doing something I did not feel was appropriate or needed, nor made me question my own truths. You really need someone who is guiding you in the direction you think is best for you, not pushing you into the direction that he thinks is best for you. This whole post makes me worried that he is causing the breakdown of your support systems that do not involve him. Remember, trust your own inner wisdom, as it is one of the most important things we have.

Manipulation...

Cathy Meyer — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 14:47:47 -0400

I'm sorry but it is my feeling that your therapist needs to see a therapist. What you just experiences is called manipulation. He planted seeds of doubt in your mind about a harmless and appropriate relationship with your pastor to keep you from seeking counseling with the pastor. Bottom line is, your therapist feels threatened by the idea of you and your husband counseling with your pastor. Probably because he fears losing a client. I know this is all speculation on my part but from what I've read in your posts, I don't believe you have a therapist who has your best interest in mind.

Every time you post about

Elaina Goodman — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 12:33:29 -0400

Every time you post about your therapist, I like him less. I know it doesn't distill easily into a blog post, but what you share, he always seems way off base. Isn't your pastor, by definition, someone in whom you are supposed to confide in and seek counsel from? If you have no relationship outside the church, I don't see how asking his advice is anymore boundary crossing than individual sessions with the therapist who also is providing marriage counseling.

Alienating Friends to Save the Marriage

Megan Thomas — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 11:51:32 -0400

The pastor of my church is a friend of mine. We don't hang out socially or anything, but "Ted" is fun to chat with and we work together splendidly on church projects. He has acted as The Voice of Reason for me a few times when I needed a man's perspective, and I like how we have a casual rapport.

A few weeks ago my husband told me that Ted had offered to start seeing us as a couple again for some counseling. Both my husband and I thought this was a good idea, so I ran the idea past my therapist.

"What potential problems do you think might arise from seeing Ted for marriage counseling?" my therapist asked.

"My husband might feel like we're ganging up on him because Ted and I have a good rapport, and I think that threatens my husband," I responded after thinking about it.

"Does your husband have a reason to feel threatened?" he prodded.

"No," I answered, not liking the direction this was going.

"What are the chances of you and Ted evolving into an inappropriate relationship?" he asked.

I was a little offended by this. "He's a married man, and the pastor of a church!" I blurted out, then realized this may not be the best defense since we've heard of scandals like this before, haven't we?

He continued. "Have you and Ted ever had a conversation about boundaries for your relationship?" My response was, "No, why would we? There has never been any reason to."

"I think it's a talk you should have," he concluded.

On my drive home my head was spinning. Can't a man and a woman have a good rapport without it turning into something scandalous? My therapist said that by going to Ted for advice, I was trying to get my needs met by another man instead of my husband, and that's a recipe for disaster. And there I thought this whole time that I was merely looking for advice from a person I trusted.