firstwivesworld - Learning to Live Solo - Comments

Divorce Is Immune to Age

Wanda Woodard — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 15:46:53 -0400

You are so right about the divorce, the pain and all the changes being immune to our age. We are all just students who are learning daily to be better parents, friends and (perhaps in the future) lovers. I am truly sorry for your pain, and for nameless's shameless absentee dadism. That is so unfair to your children. But, you're making it, and so am I. Our children, too, will survive and learn to, perhaps, be better at making choices whether they choose to marry at 25 or 55. All we/you can do is love them unconditionally and show them that life is good and worth living with our without their father.

stinky... my code name is nameless for my ex

di4three — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 02:32:52 -0400

I read your blog so getting all the words. My ex is known to all as nameless.. < I like stinky it fits for less then wonderful ex> saying his name is like saying some sort of voodoo curse. He was not all bad, but he was not ever going to be father of year either while we were married. He frankly does not want to parent in a real way post divorce. Self centered or self seeking is the best way to kindly describe him. He should not have married or had kids. He was downright abusive to me, and could be borderline with kids.The marriage was dead, it could not go on. I held on to it for dear life at times, then let go.. and it fell apart like shattered glass. However, I miss the comfort of a marriage, the ability to talk about the children, to run to the store solo for milk, or bread. I do not want him at all, but I want the comfort that comes with marriage. Want the husband, the love, the sex, but not him. I have found that my most committed relationships so far in life has been with my girlfriends, my friendships are 30 years plus~~~ My friends, they have supported me more then family. Maybe that is the lesson I was supposed to get.from this mess called divorce. I have to comment also about your being an older mom or getting married when you were older. On my wedding day at 23 years old ... one of my high school friends commented to me that I was finally going down the aisle... I was the old maid of the group.. I did not have kids until I was 29 ... she thought that was old. Age does prevent anyone from not knowing that a marriage will not work.. you did the best you could do, and you have your children. Do not be hard on yourself.

You Will Survive!

Wanda Woodard — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 09:31:39 -0400

Good for you -- starting your book. Let me tell you something, KarenC, just take it one step at a time. Continue to get up, wash your face, brush your teeth, and if you do nothing else that day, you've done enough. I think we expect too much from ourselves. We have to learn to let the dishes go another day, let the laundry pile continue to pile up, ignore the dust bunnies instead of allowing them to make us feel anxious. We have to give ourselves a break, the benefit of the doubt, a chance...we have to become our own best friend. Stay with us, KarenC -- we'll be each other's best friend.

You are so welcome! I look

Guest — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 21:36:50 -0400

You are so welcome! I look forward to reading all of the stories and insights that you and your fellow bloggers have to share. It's a pleasure to be a part of a forum that celebrates and supports women from all backgrounds and experiences. CM

You're right

KarenC — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 16:55:49 -0400

It is easier with two incomes. I was shocked when the bank approved my loan to buy him out despite my small salary. Problem is, that nearly doubled my house payment, and then there are the other bills. I've been driving the same car for twelve years and every time I find the money to pay someone to do one of the repairs we had let go because the company he worked for shut down and he would only do free-lance work in his field my car broke down and had to be repaired. I'd rent out a room, but first I have to get the house -- and the spare room -- cleaned up. I have found something that will help me make some extra money, but after living with his emotional abuse for so many, too many, years I am afraid to try. In the mean time, I am taking it a little at a time and making any repairs I can myself. I even put in a new sump pump last year. The successes make me feel good, but still I hold back from trying things. I give my self little pep talks at my day job, then get home and don't try. I think I've been afraid so long it's become an old friend. PS - I did start that book. How's that for a contradiction. Now if I can just get that to spill over into other parts of my new life.

Getting to know you

Wanda Woodard — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 10:21:53 -0400

We're all guests here, in a way. I'm just darned glad I was invited.

Thank You!

Wanda Woodard — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 10:20:57 -0400

Our experiences shape us. What is important to remember is that we're all students here learning to be better helpers, teachers, parents, sisters, daughters, and friends. Thank you so much, CM, for your contributions as well.

agreed.

Guest — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:42:49 -0400

i feel really grateful for this forum and for all the bloggers and readers who are helping me through a turbulent time. thanks to all. i don't know any of you but i can feel your presence and it helps a lot.

And we are blessed for

Guest — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 20:26:56 -0400

And we are blessed for reading all about you and what you have to offer the world. CM

Learning to Live Solo

Wanda Woodard — Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:00:45 -0400

I didn't get married until I was 38. It was my first and so far only marriage, and I kind of felt that I should have known what I was doing by then. You know, career first, marriage and kids, second. Stinky was 35, and it was his first marriage as well.

For two grown-ups we certainly managed to make a big old mess of things — so much for maturity with age.

Of course, in Northeast Louisiana, I found that most women who were my age had teenagers and some were already grandmothers. So, when I also became pregnant for the first time at 38, I was definitely considered an odd bird.

However, the advantages to marrying "late," so to speak, are many. If you've been alone, you've learned how to handle a car jack and can change a tire in under 30 minutes. If you've been alone for the first 15 years of your professional career, you've learned how to rent moving trucks, how to pack like a pro, and how to drive a 26-foot U-Haul van pulling your car behind it.

You have repaired a leaky faucet, unclogged a bathtub drain, and replaced various and sundry household fixtures and appliance parts. You've had to be self-sufficient.

The chores of life I can handle on my own. What I find I miss the most is the emotional support. For no matter how bad my marriage was, and mine was very bad, I could at least count on Stinky to be there, another warm body that could help ease the troubles of life. Don't get me wrong, under no circumstances would I want that life or him back. What I miss is the sharing.

Living with someone makes life easier. Two incomes, two sets of hands, two drivers. Two people to help get the kids to school, ball practice, parties — I lived a life where there was a mother and a father, a son and a daughter.