firstwivesworld - Fear of the Unknown - Comments

your feeling are quiet normal

di4three — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 11:11:54 -0400

My two cents and that what it may be worth... your feelings are normal. The disconnect I understand. I lived with and endured a very abusive man who did cheat a lot. I found out after the split. I was always a doormat and in my part my fault. I stood before God 125 people and had three children with a man, I promised myself to love and be committed to.. it failed. Did I fail, yes and no. No single fight should make you feel like it is your marriage and if you have a marriage it will not. You cannot have a marriage of one, it has to be two, Even if he cannot bare the thoughts of losing you, does that mean you stay. I value marriage. I hate divorce. However there is this point where brain know the marriage is dead, but heart wants to deny it. I understand. For as long as there are children and you have doubts then give it you best, but know if it has to end for you that is ok. You will be ok... I am.

I know why, and it's okay

JulieSavard — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 10:17:12 -0400

I know why you're still in the relationship. You may be in it for years, hon. And that's okay. You don't have to take any action until you're ready to - even if that action is deciding to stay for the rest of your life. No one said this was easy, and no one said that making change is easy either. I understand that sometimes, it's all you can do to just keep on keeping on.

same here...

Guest — Fri, 04 Apr 2008 14:12:31 -0400

every night before i go to bed, i pray and tell god that i am grateful for all the love and blessings he has given me. then i ask for strength and clarity to make the right decisions in my life. and every day when i wake up, i face the question: why am i still married? that's because i care about my husband and we have a nice time when we are together. but there is that fear that if i leave, am i giving up something really great that i can't find again? i'm afraid to hurt him, i'm afraid to change everything in my life. there's so much pressure to make a decision soon, because it has been dragging for so many months now. and like you, i am so much stronger and determined in so many other parts of my life, but i can't seem to wrangle a decision out of this situation.

You're not alone!

Maya Halpen — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 11:46:44 -0400

You're not alone, Megan! There's no shame in fear and hesitation around something as life-altering as separation and divorce. As long as you have no safety concerns related to staying with your husband, and you have the luxury of time, why not deliberate? Your fear prevents you from making any impulsive moves, which is good. It gives you time to be methodical about any move you make--how to go about it, how to set up your new life, etc. Just don't stay forever if you're not satisfied. You are clearly a smart, dynamic woman with much to offer. You'll survive a transition, keeping your kids happy and healthy throughout, no doubt. Do it when the voice inside agrees it's time.

Forgot to include this...

Guest — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 22:06:27 -0400

Megan, I wanted to share a quote (one of many that has sustained me through the past few months) that made me realize just how strong I am: I believe it's a quote from Christopher Robin to Winnie the Pooh: "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." xoxo Kim

You can do this!

Guest — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 21:50:18 -0400

Great comments, CM! Megan, I know exactly how you feel. My husband moved out last month after almost 24 years of marriage. We took our vows in church *twice* - at our first wedding in a Baptist church and again in the Catholic church when I converted. When I learned the jerk was cheating on me, I gathered as much info as I could. When I found his apartment lease in his briefcase, I was prepared (although he never actually told me about it...I heard it from a relative when she called to say how sorry she was to hear about it; luckily I already knew and was not blindsided). When all of this was first happening, I was terrified that I couldn't support my children and myself on my income (I'm self-employed). But I knew I could get a full-time job if I had to (as much as I hated the idea). (He's giving me a fair amount of financial support, so that fear is mostly gone.) But I did finally realize this: I don't want a man who doesn't want me, and I'm glad he's gone. His skank thinks she's won a "prize"; she'll find out soon enough just what a prize he is. (I may even send her a thank you note some day.) I don't know your circumstances, and they are probably not really relevant. I DO want you to know that if you end your marriage, you WILL be just fine, and so will your kids. (They see and know much more than we give them credit for, even at young ages.) You CAN do this and you WILL get through it with your dignity in tact (whether you choose to end your marriage or your husband chooses to end it for you, as mine did). I know I deserve better; and you do too. (I now have reason to believe he's been involved with this woman for 2-3 years; I wish I'd kicked his *ss to the curb years ago.) Blessings to you, my dear.

Of course fear is a valid

Guest — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 15:43:31 -0400

Of course fear is a valid emotion- and for any of us to pass judgment on your situation is not entirely fair (I think I was the one that asked why you were still in your marriage). I just worry that when we as women are faced with difficult decisions we allow fear of the unknown to consume us and we are afraid to take the next step that will lead us closer to true happiness. I've done it to myself before and see it all the time with women in my life that are incredible people with so much to offer the world... when will we just dive in and embrace the changes as good things? Scary? Hell yes- and necessary, I think. CM

Fear of the Unknown

Megan Thomas — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 15:21:35 -0400

"I just don't get it...why are you still in this relationship?" That's a quote from one of my readers, and it's a valid question. Honestly, I stared at that comment for about five minutes without moving, and then I read it aloud to myself. Then I asked myself, "Yeah, Megan, why are you still in this relationship?"

Oddly enough, even though I'm just crazy enough to ask myself a question out loud, I'm not quite crazy enough to have an answer.

There are many reasons why I'm still in this relationship. I'm scared to death of turning my kids' world upside down. I'm scared at having to make it on my own financially. I'm scared of walking away from a relationship when there might be a smidgen of hope for us. I'm scared that my husband will fall back into the suicidal feelings thing.

I'm scared of ending a marriage that I began in a church, standing before a pastor, my family, and God, with me promising to stay with my husband for better or for worse until the day I die. So yeah, basically I'm scared.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a big scaredy-cat. With life in general, I'm not really ever paralyzed with fear. I make a decision and leap right in. When it comes to this, though, I'm frightened out of my mind.

I don't like being so scared of something that it keeps me from making a final decision. This isn't my usual fare, and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Ask me why I'm still in the relationship, and I'll give you a big, confident reply of "I have no idea." I'm just scared, that's all. I can't rush into something that terrifies me, and going from married to not married terrifies me.

I can't be the only person to have dealt with these feelings, can I?