Episode 12: Notes To Patient

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:04:28 -0500

Guess what? I have an irregular heartbeat. Frankly, I'm surprised I have any heartbeat at all after walking in on Jeffrey with his Johnson in a prostitute, but hey, I'm a resilient sort.

Women get really tough after going through a divorce. (You married girls think you have it rough? Believe me, you haven't seen anything until you've seen your ex-husband doing it doggie style.) Still, the sight of Jeffrey having sex (it was my lingerie she was wearing...) was enough to send me into the most humiliating hot flash of my menopausal life. And then came the sequel.

Did you know the human heart beats 100,000 times per day and 36 million times per year? I mean, that's a lot of work. I can only imagine that with everything it's been through lately, my own heart decided to join the rest of me on the picket line and go out on a strike of its own. And who could blame it?

It wasn't long after Valentine's Day that the palpitations started. I mean, of course I told Cody and Annabelle that I was super fine with everything that happened, but in truth, I wasn't. How could I be? I am not immune to the absurdity of my situation. And he may be suffering on the inside (that's what my friends all tell me) but on the outside, Jeffrey appears to be having the time of his fucking life. I want to know why his heart isn't beating a million miles a minute. Why isn't my ex-husband having palpitations too?!

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Episode 12: Notes To Patient