firstwivesworld - Dating Again: A Few Obvious Tips - Comments

Dating is Scary

sweetpj — Sat, 22 Dec 2007 05:31:52 -0500

I have been divorced for four years now and I realized that I never really dated my now ex-husband. I have tried a couple of times but I seem to be a magnet for married men or those just starting the process. I am a little terrified as I put up serious privacy boundaries such as them only having my cell phone and not knowing where I live. The current person that I have gone out with a couple of times seems to mention sex in every conversation which is a turn off for me because I too would like to get to know someone better. I am really looking for a way to just let this guy go. So what is the best way to be straightforward but not to rigid with new dates?

Dating at 43 after 20 yr marriage

BlueJay — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 23:07:28 -0500

I agree that the process of divorce takes longer than expected at the beginning ... I started the process back in March, and it is now just before Thanksgiving. Child custody issues first, then marriage and $ disentanglement second. Dating advice? Everything I have been reading seems to be a HUGE warning that nothing is "just" dating anymore ... in other words, most men are supposedly looking to date for a sexual hook-up and not for the establishment of a mature, enjoyable, monogamous relationship. How scary. How very shallow and scary. Separation/divorce/legal process status, whether or not children are involved, ex-characteristics, blah-blah-blah. Those would be easy to discuss comfortably and honestly! How 'bout the very real concerns of what exactly is he after by seeming interested in me? Is this guy just looking for another sexual conquest? What are the very real emotional (NOT TO MENTION PHYSICAL) risks I would be taking by feeling pressured to be intimate with a virtual stranger? What happened to spending time getting to know one another? If I don't "put out" by such-and-such a time/date, will I be dropped for someone else?

Okay, FWW readers ... can you please share your insight and experiences?

Is there even hope for something sweet again?

I sure hope so ...

Dating Again: A Few Obvious Tips

Amanda Lockhart — Sun, 11 Nov 2007 18:00:00 -0500

You’ll be faced with a lot of different advice when you decide to “get back out there” and start dating after your divorce.

I always feel like most of what you hear is pretty useless because every situation is different and you never know who you’re going to meet and what his attitudes are going to be. He may not care that you’re divorced or it may scare the hell out of him. There are too many variables for there to be any blanket advice that everyone should follow.

Nonetheless, the Web is full of post-divorce dating tips. I read a piece on CNN.com the other day that tried to delve into the question of when to tell a date that you’re divorced. And it also offered some advice about how much and how soon you should reveal things about your past. Again, I don’t think there’s a one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some things to consider:

1. Be honest about the status of your divorce. If it’s just getting started, that’s different than “I’m divorced.” Don’t be misleading because if a guy gets interested, he could resent you not telling him that you’re at the beginning of a long process.

2. Don’t drag out the details and drag your ex through the mud. Sure, he’s going to be curious if he’s really interested in you, but if you start moaning and groaning about what an ass your ex was, how do you think that’s going to look?

3. Mention that you have kids. Hello? This one should be obvious. You have to be careful you don’t come off looking like you’re asking him to be a second father to your kids, but he has to know you have them.

4. Be sure you’re really ready. You’re only doing yourself and your date a disservice if you try to jump back into the dating pool too soon.

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