When the Responsibility of Ailing Parents Falls on the Children

When the Responsibility of Ailing Parents Falls on the Children

(check out my blog every Wednesday and Saturday)

Posted to House Bloggers by Maya Halpen on Sat, 10/18/2008 - 12:50am

I'm switching gears for a bit from the thirtysomething woman who has contemplated separation to the adult child of divorce still dealing with the fallout.

Quick summary: To the extent lines were drawn, I suppose I sided with my mother. She left because when we learned my father cheated on her for 20 years with my best friend's mother. But now she has withdrawn from my brother, sister, and me.

We hear from her infrequently, and when we do, it's never to discuss our lives, but hers, which is moneyed compared to the rest of ours. She has remarried a man we don't get, in the sense that he's from the other side of the political aisle — from us, from her, from anyone I've ever known. (He's off the map. He's against Title IX!)

Meanwhile, my father is progressing into the middle stages of Alzheimer's Disease, and my siblings and I are left to manage his care. My parents defaulted on their shared mortgage around the time of their divorce, we moved our father into a small apartment for now, and there are no assets to help pay for his long-term care. (Phew! Got that?)

Here's the latest kicker — a quiet but ridiculous circumstance that breaks everything open again and makes it hard to swallow. Recently, my father wet his pants for the first time and the family dog, good old Betty — who kept him company and who he walked multiple times a day for lack of capability in any participating in any other activity — died. As this was happening, my mother was preparing to leave on her first cruise, sailing from Los Angeles to Puerto Vallarta, in celebration of her first wedding anniversary.

As if the contrast in situation weren't already ridiculous and sad enough, my brother pointed out: "There's only one thing I know of for 100% sure that sails between LA and Puerto Vallarta."

Yep, that's right, my dad's mind is slipping away, and my mom is on The Love Boat.