As if I didn't have enough going on already, I decided to add more to my plate. Something major.

I've decided to go to school. I've wanted to learn cinematography and film production for quite some time, and now I'm finally going to do it.

I stumbled across the program a few months ago while doing some research on the Internet. Of course, like anything of its kind, it's pretty expensive. However, they had some information on the site pertaining to grants and other sources of financial aid so I decided to go for it, and I applied.

It was a daunting application complete with questions like "Why should we give this money to you?" and "Explain your commitment and desire to be in the film program." The last question was an essay. I did the best that I could — it took me all day — and sent it on it's way. I didn't get my hopes up, though.

So I was shocked when I received the letter that I had been selected for not one, but two grants. They cover the cost of attendance and then some. I'm also taking out a few student loans so that I can spend more time focusing on this.

I enrolled in the accelerated summer program, so that I can start earlier, cram a bunch in, therefore finishing quicker. I always have enjoyed moving fast.

This is going to be great. It's going to give me something to focus on, something more important than Levi and all of his bullshit. There are some fabulous classes that are going to provide me with excellent opportunities for creativity. And I'm going to learn how to do something that I know that I will love doing.

Classes start May 19. I can't tell you how excited I am to finally be doing something good for myself.

I have been holding back on showing everyone this, mostly because I used to be so thoroughly disgusted and humiliated by it. But today, I looked at it, and actually laughed.

That's when I decided to share it. I mean, who here doesn't need a good laugh, right? Here are the highlights:

He created this in October of 2006. I gave birth to our son in December of 2006. Nice guy, huh?

Okay, on with the laughs. For starters, I can't help but find it utterly hysterical, and somewhat pathetic that he chose the name Sexybeast0007. He could have done without the sexy, I will agree with him on the beast part, though. Next, he claims to be 39, yet he was 41 at the time; but then under the question "The best or worst lie I've ever told" he writes: I never lie.

Laugh on.

The fact that he says that he's single, and has brown hair, is notable, too, especially since he's bald — totally bald. Maybe his hair used to be brown? I guess that's up to his "lucky lady" to figure out.

The fact that he fails to mention that he has two children is disgusting.

Under "Why you should get to know me," you will truly understand, once and for all, what a narcissist this man is. In a paragraph of 30 words or less, I think he calls himself sexy and successful at least three times.

If after you've read all of this, and you've decided you have to date him, but you're upset because he calls himself "picky but worth it," have no fear: it appears that he doesn't have any real requirements for a woman...she just has to be between 22 and 35.

What a loser.

I'm bringing this to court with me. (I have the old version, where his picture was still up.) Mostly to prove that he considers himself to be a successful music and film agent, but also because he admits to using recreational drugs.

Yup, sometimes Levi is a giant moron. Laugh on.

I used to think that I had something to prove. That by not pursuing child support from Levi, I was proving to him and to his family that we didn't need them. At the very end of our relationship, they all tried to push me, hard, to put Adrian up for adoption. Since Adrian's birth, whenever the subject of child support has come up, Levi and his mother both said to me, "If you can't hack it, put him up for adoption." I felt like I needed to prove to them that I had made the right choice.

I keep talking about how much time has helped change my perspective on things, and I guess, for now, I will continue to do so, because it really has.

I have grown tremendously as a person from this experience. I feel like I was stripped down to my bare bones, and given the opportunity to start over. I feel like a new person.

As a result, I no longer feel that I have something to prove to them. Their opinion doesn't matter to me. It ceased to matter, when I realized that my son never began to matter to any of them.

That doesn't mean that this sucks any less, though. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to be able to do it all on my own. I simply cannot. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which finances are a necessity. It costs a lot to raise a child, and now, the only person I have to prove anything to is him.

I've made it through another day of this, and moving forward, what strikes me the most, is that I feel stronger. I feel like I can make it through this.

When my ex and I were in the process of splitting up we'd get into arguments and say some really nasty things to each other. Who hasn't been there, right?

I remember one argument in particular, solely because of the cutting things that he said to me, and how even now, a year and a half removed, it still stings.

I can't remember specifically what we were arguing about, but I'm sure it had everything to do with the fact that he was leaving me, pregnant, and abandoning our son.

A quick recap for those of you that haven't read all of my past blogs: Levi lost a significant amount of money when I was six months pregnant, and rather than owning up to it and figuring it out as a couple, he decided to leave, move to Los Angeles, and work out out a plan to earn it back.

He told me, at six months pregnant, that my options were to either raise my son by myself, or put him up for adoption. He was pushing the adoption thing (even though my son was a planned pregnancy), and once even went as far as to tell me that I could "get a hundred grand for a white Jewish baby."

So, we're arguing about all of this (and please keep in mind that I'm pregnant, very hormonal, and completely distressed), and a bunch of things were said, which led to me calling him a loser. Well, apparently calling Levi a loser is the most inflammatory thing you can call him, because he then said to me the worst thing he's ever said to me.

It went like this: "Loser!?!" he screamed. "How dare you call me a loser! I've made millions of dollars in my life, gained the respect of hundreds of celebrities and powerful people. What have you ever accomplished in your life, Faith?" Before I could answer him, he said, "All you've ever done is get pregnant — that, and you look pretty good."

Ouch.

I am having anxiety attacks again, I haven't had them in years. I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart is racing so fast that I feel like I can't breathe. I can't calm myself down, and I can't go back to sleep. I sit up like this for hours, my mind racing with questions as my heart thunders away.

Questions like, What happens to Adrian if I die? I can obsess on that one for hours. I worry that if I were to die tomorrow would my son ever know how much I love him? If Levi were to take him, would he even tell him about me?

I tried to put my mind at ease by writing a will (something I should have done already), and I appointed guardians for Adrian. Levi had to sign a waiver agreeing to this, and he did. However, I've been warned that if I were to die, Levi could change his mind, and a court would probably grant him custody of Adrian. I can't even tell you how absolutely nuts that makes me.

I bought life insurance, too (another thing I should have done already), realizing that if something were to happen to me, my son would be broke. I appointed very trustworthy people to be his trustees; this does help put my mind at ease.

Then I start obsessing about money (and my lack of it), worrying first about how the hell I'm going to pay all of my bills, let alone feed and clothe us. I always worry about money (because I never have any) and the only solace I can provide myself with, is that I always somehow work it out.

I used to trick myself and say, "Everything will be okay, because it has to be, there is not an alternative." I'm not sure I can do that anymore.

My aunt passing away so suddenly, for no apparent reason (and did I mention she was only 45?), has given me a whole new perspective on life. Some of it is good, like realizing the things that really matter, which I wrote about last week. But some of the things that I'm realizing are scary as hell.

I guess this is what life is.

I had thought that when Levi left that would be the worst heartache I would ever feel. At the time, I didn't think there was anything worse than that. I was wrong.

My aunt passed away, very suddenly, last Monday. It was sudden, unexpected and shocking. Levi's disappearance has got nothing on this.

My aunt was a wonderful person. A wife of twenty seven years, a mother of three, and a lover of everyone. Ever patient, most of my fondest childhood memories are of things she and I did together. She possessed a character that can never be matched, let alone beat; and in knowing that, I find comfort in the fact that I was privileged enough to know her.

If there is anything to be learned from such a tragedy, I think its this: Life is short and fleeting and we must not take anything for granted. The things that feel so serious and cause us much stress are the things we tend to focus on the most, taking the attention away from the things that really matter.

With this comes a new found enlightenment, and I am vowing now to always take time to focus on the little things, to remember to always say, "I love you" to those that I love, and to let go of the things that cause me pain — especially Levi — and enjoy life. I urge you all to do the same.

I find myself feeling comfortable, feeling happy, and sometimes it scares me. I haven't felt content in so long that there are times that wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. I keep reminding myself that it's not. That I am in control of my life now, and that I am allowed to be happy.

I look back at the past year and my only regret is that I wasted so much time feeling crappy. I wasted so much time arguing with Levi, worrying about how his absence will affect my son and being so afraid of the future.

I wasted so much time being angry.

But not anymore.

I find myself smiling now, for no reason. I find myself enjoying my son, now more than ever.

I find myself moving forward, when at one point I really didn't think that was possible. I remember feeling as if I'd be running in that same circle the rest of my life.

I find myself making plans for the future and being excited.

And the oddest feeling, I find, is that I feel sorry for Levi. I really truly do. He has missed out on so much with his son, and the things that he's missed are things that he can never get back. First smiles, first food, first words, first steps — it's been a whole year of "firsts" around here. I find that I wish I could bottle it all up for him and save it, to give to him when he comes to his senses. Sadly, that's not possible.

So, it's a year later and as spring approachs, I too, find myself coming alive again.

I realized that since Levi and I split up, I have a tendency to sabotage new, potential relationships. It usually goes something like this: I meet a new guy, we go on a few dates and have a great time. I really start to like him, then suddenly I find myself over-analyzing everything that he does and becoming very annoyed by the slightest of things and breaking it off with him.

For example: I broke up with a really great man because I couldn't stand the way he held his spoon while he ate cereal, pretty stupid, right?

So, recently I was out with a few girlfriends and the subject came up. Although only one of them had been divorced, the other two had experienced significant relationships that ended badly and left them scarred. We all have that in common. We also have all been engaging in this self-sabotaging behavior in our new relationships since then. No wonder we're such great friends!

Being divorced is traumatic, we can all agree with that. Trauma can cause self-sabotaging behavior, so it wasn't a surprise to me when I discovered that divorced women are high on the list of people who sabotage new relationships. Some experts say that in relationships, divorced women use self-sabotage as a way of feeling safe.

It's scary to go back out there and to feel vulnerable again. It's terrifying to think of all of the "what ifs" and it's incredibly hard to trust someone again.

Think you might be self-sabotaging? It's time for a change! Here's a list of 10 steps to detect and stop self-sabotage.

I haven't talked about Levi in quite some time. Mostly because after my last '"Levi is an asshole and always will be" post, I realized that there really wasn't much more to say.

However, coming to that realization was a huge turning point for me, and there is plenty that I can say about that.

I guess we all just have to go through the motions, whatever they are. I can't tell you how much I wish that I just could have listened to what everyone around me was saying and applied it right then and there to my life. It was no secret to everyone else that Levi is an asshole, constantly trying to engage me because he's an angry person that can't live without being angry with someone. No, it was not a secret that Levi was a jerk — even to all of you.

I wrote a post awhile ago about the stages of grief, and comparing them to the feelings that we go through when we're divorcing. I think I've finally reached the end game. For real.

I'm happy now, in spite of him. I look around often at my new life and smile, knowing that none of this would ever have been possible if I had remained Levi's wife. I look around at all of the people that I've met this past year — I've met and become friends with some pretty terrific people. I truly am happy.

I look at my son, and although I worry still from time to time about how this will all affect him some day, I'm not wracked with guilt over it anymore. I'm not filled with grief for him, or myself. I smile, knowing that he's a lucky boy to have me, and to have this wonderful extended family of friends in his life.

Yes, its official, you can take it from me. The pain does go away, in time. You will be able to be happy again, maybe happier than you've ever been. I'm offically over Levi.

Levi is an asshole. Not very shocking news, I know. But then how come I'm sitting here feeling like I just figured that out?

Levi and I went to a therapist together. Then he stopped going, and I started seeing a new therapist. Both of them have given Levi diagnoses — at my request — based on his behavior. Both of them — in laymen's terms — boil down to a pretty simple problem: He's an asshole.

I know it's almost been a year, but I really feel like I JUST figured this out. He's a big, giant, buffoon. He's a jerk and he's probably never going to change.

So, why am I even bothering? Why am I even harboring any kind of hope — and trust me, it's not much — that he'll come around? Why do I sometimes feel like he's going to go back to "normal," when he never really was "normal" in the first place? He was just a liar.

What the heck have I been doing?

For an intelligent girl, I've acted all kinds of stupid this year. I don't know what this guy — this asshole — had over me, but it's about to change.

It's a new year. I'm about to take all of the lessons that I learned in 2007 and apply them to the "new me" in 2008.

Rule One: No Assholes.

That's all I have so far. What are your new rules this year?