My sweet little boy is getting a teensy bit aggressive these days and suddenly I find that I am being bombarded with all sorts of advice that I don't want to accept.

For example, Adrian has started pulling hair. But not any hair, just my hair, and it hurts! He'll yank my hair — hard — and when I shout "Ouch!" he laughs and laughs and laughs. It has been suggested that I pull his hair in retaliation, "show him what it feels like," they say. Ummmm, no thank you.

One of Adrian's other favorite things to do to me is to bite. Again, he'll just come over to me, bite me, and laugh like crazy when I say "Ouch!" And those new teeth are sharp! It has been suggested that I bite him back. "Only way to stop a biter," they say.

And yet another one of his "new tricks" is smacking me. This one doesn't happen as often and usually only when I'm sleeping, but still....

I took him to the doctor last week for a physical. The doctor that we usually see was out, so we had to see the physician's assistant. While we were there he asked me if there had been any changes in his behavior. I said, "Yes, as a matter of fact, there has," and told him what I just told you all.

He said that I need to put him in a time-out chair whenever he does any of these things. I explained that I had tried that but that Adrian will just get up; he doesn't understand that he is supposed to stay there — he's only 16 months old. I told him that rather than using the chair, I use the playpen.

Somebody made a comment on one of my blog posts yesterday that said, "Faith, can you please make up your mind...Are you in or out of this whole thing? Get a life and move on or stay in the blog and be miserable."

Of course, this comment was meant to be nasty and hurtful, and of course just like every other comment of its kind, it was signed by a "guest." I have a feeling said "guest" is Levi, or his other ex, or one of his other minions. In any case, that doesn't matter. What got me thinking was the subject line of the comment: "Making me dizzy."

Exactly.

I feel dizzy, all the time. I feel like I've been running in circles for the last year and a half. I feel dizzy with stress, dizzy with anger, dizzy with sadness, and dizzy with disappointment.

I don't want any of this.

I would love for things to be normal, for things to be better. I would be overjoyed if Levi would take responsibility as far as his son is concerned. I would love it if we didn't have to go to court. Hey, maybe then I could even get one of those "lives" you speak of!

And I did run circles around that decision. I actually have quite a few issues with the family court system that make me not want to take any part in it.

To start with, I don't agree with pumping my money into a system that doesn't have my best interest in mind. I feel that they actually hope that people won't do the right thing. Why? Because if we all did the right thing, they wouldn't have jobs. If everyone paid their child support there would be no need for child support enforcement. There would be no need for family court judges, family court lawyers, etc.

I used to think that I had something to prove. That by not pursuing child support from Levi, I was proving to him and to his family that we didn't need them. At the very end of our relationship, they all tried to push me, hard, to put Adrian up for adoption. Since Adrian's birth, whenever the subject of child support has come up, Levi and his mother both said to me, "If you can't hack it, put him up for adoption." I felt like I needed to prove to them that I had made the right choice.

I keep talking about how much time has helped change my perspective on things, and I guess, for now, I will continue to do so, because it really has.

I have grown tremendously as a person from this experience. I feel like I was stripped down to my bare bones, and given the opportunity to start over. I feel like a new person.

As a result, I no longer feel that I have something to prove to them. Their opinion doesn't matter to me. It ceased to matter, when I realized that my son never began to matter to any of them.

That doesn't mean that this sucks any less, though. That doesn't mean that I wouldn't love to be able to do it all on my own. I simply cannot. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which finances are a necessity. It costs a lot to raise a child, and now, the only person I have to prove anything to is him.

I've made it through another day of this, and moving forward, what strikes me the most, is that I feel stronger. I feel like I can make it through this.

That seems to be what it's going to be for awhile. It sucks, to go to bat with someone who knows you so well. Someone you've shared your deepest self with, someone who really knows how to push your buttons.

Levi knows me better than most people know me. He knows how I feel about arguments, knows that usually I will avoid them at all costs. I'm the kind of person who can't deal with yelling. I don't know why, but whenever someone starts to raise their voice to me, I just shut down. I can't comprehend what they're saying; it's like I go into "safe" mode. Yelling scares me, so I try to avoid it. Which is why, I think, he's doing so much of it lately.

He also knows how much I love my son. My son, I've said, "is my heart walking around outside of my body." He knows that his threats of taking him away from me, stealing him away from me, are crushing to me.

He also knows that I am inherently a good person (why not toot my own horn here?) and will generally forgive quite easily. I honestly think that it's this knowledge that makes him feel so free to be so selfish. The knowledge that one day, I will probably forgive him, and then he gets what he wants. Levi is the kind of guy that always has his cake and eats it too.

He left me a message earlier. Today's threat was this: "If you continue to take me to court, and I'm ordered to pay, that's all I'll ever do. I'll only pay. I'll never have anything to do with him, EVER."

He's said this before, and it used to really upset me. It doesn't anymore. I've come to the conclusion that his relationship, or lack thereof, with Adrian, is up to him. It's not on me to facilitate that. Do you think I'm right?

I went to family court a few days ago and filed a petition for child support. I think they recognize me now, and it's almost embarrassing at this point.  I keep thinking that they're thinking, 'Okay, is she really going to do it this time?'

I have an overwhelming urge to explain to them why it is that I keep backing out.  But I don't. I'm sure they don't care, and I'm sure they see this all the time.

The papers are easy. It's two pages of fill in the blanks: my name, his name, our addresses and Social Security numbers, Adrian's name and birthday, and that's it.

The last page is labeled "Court Information," and it asks pretty much the same questions as the prior two pages, except that it also asks, height, weight, eye and hair color.  I must admit that writing "bald" for Levi's hair color gave me a little laugh.

I just can't believe it's come down to this. I really can't. I mean, I know this sounds nuts, what with all of the other crap that he's pulled, but I somehow still can't get it into my head that Levi is this much of an asshole.

I still can't believe that he doesn't care. But his actions have proven it. This behavior that he's been exhibiting over the last two years is not the Levi that I know, or rather, knew.

This is not somebody I would have ever associated with. I still can't believe that this is the new Levi. I sometimes wonder what exactly is going on in that head of his.

In any case, the papers are filed. I'm more nervous now than I was when I was filing them. I'm sure that he'll receive them in the mail within the next few days, and then, once again, all hell will break loose. I'm going to try my best to be prepared and not to let it affect me this time. 

I am taking Levi back to court for child support. It's been quite awhile since I've talked about this, and truth be told, its been quite awhile since I've felt anywhere near strong enough to deal with this again.

Adrian is now a year and a half old, and Levi has paid practically nothing. I have to say practically nothing because he did send me that two hundred dollars, remember?

Not only has he not contributed financially, he hasn't bought Adrian anything. No clothes, no toys, diapers, car seats, cribs, NOTHING.

I was pursuing him for child support before, but I gave up when he and his family started, and continued, threatening me. Threats like, "I'm going to take him from you." Or, "I'll drag this out so long in court that it will make you crazy." Or, my personal favorite, "We're a very well connected family; keep it up, and you'll wind up in jail wishing you were dead." Right, umm..

Did I just step into an episode of the Sopranos? These people are crazy. I was still far too emotionally involved to realize that before. Now, though, that I'm a year and a half removed from the madness, I can see it for what it is.

The simple fact of the matter is this: I am right, and he (they) are wrong.

So, I'm going today to file the papers.

I know this isn't going to be easy. This isn't your classic run of the mill child support case. Levi makes a decent living, and his parents help him hide it.
He's driving a Land Rover, talking on a cell phone, sitting outside of a coffee shop, playing on his laptop — yet, he claims to be broke and homeless.

It's going to be my job, in court, to prove that he is not broke and homeless, that he does in fact make quite a bit of money, and that his parents are hiding it for him.

I'm nervous to get back into this, but I feel stronger than I did before.

My ex had an ex when we met. In fact, when our mutual "friend" told me that he had given Levi my number (that's why friend is in quotes) he described Levi as "practically divorced."

I remember being very put off by that, and the look on my face must have given this away, because Todd (the friend) quickly went into damage control mode. Telling me that he's known them for a long time, they were definitely done, etc.

My ex and his first ex have a kid together also. They have a little girl, an eight-year-old. It's pretty tough to get involved with a man who has an ex and a kid, its even tougher when it's this ex, let me tell you.

She was invasive and obnoxious right from the start. We all lived in the same small town, and Michelle (the first ex) loves talking. In fact, I think she may have some kind of rare disease in which if she shuts her mouth for more than five minutes, she dies. I don't know, but it certainly seems that way.

Anyway, the gossip was ridiculous. She labeled me a "husband stealer," even though she had a string of her own boyfriends. She would call and harass Levi incessantly. She would scream things like, "My tits are better than hers" and so on. She harped on the fact that I was young.

I remember during one of these instances, with Michelle on the phone screaming about me, I said, "Enough. I'm going home." I was in my car getting ready to leave when Levi asked me to stay and talk to him.

I remember exactly what he said to me. He said, "I like you, I really like you, I like you a lot" then, "Do you like me a lot?" and I said yes. He went on to say that he knew she was a pain in the ass, and although he couldn't promise that she'd stop calling, he'd make sure she stopped coming over. Did I mention that she'd just pop by in the morning and let herself into the office? Yeah. Invasive and obnoxious.

I received a baby memory book as a gift when I was pregnant with my son. I started filling it out when he was born, and have continued to do so on a regular basis. However, given our situation (Levi and his family not being in the picture), there are the certain glaring question, that give me pause.

For instance, the page labeled "Father's Story," which asks questions about the father (name, education, work, interests) makes me sick. I have an overwhelming urge to write "himself" where it asks for father's interests. Then there's the "Family Tree" page; only half of that tree is inked in.

And then the question "Unforgettable moments during pregnancy?" Well, I have a few, could-be answers for that, such as: When I found out your father moved out, When I found out your father was online dating, When your father tried to get me to give you up for adoption. But none of those answers seem suitable.

Or how about the "Coming home" page? For, "The Trip Home" should I write, Your father and I didn't speak one word to each other the entire hour long drive? For "Special Memories of our First Day and Night" should I write, Your father said, "I'm sorry this didn't work out the way you thought it would" and left?

No. Obviously, I won't do any of these things. After searching for a baby memory book that is geared toward people in our situation and coming up empty handed, I figured I'll just make my own. I started working on it this afternoon, using the book that I already have as a jumping off point. It will be perfect.

I know that in the big scope of things, that this is really no big deal. But I can't help but feel pissed off for a moment, recognizing yet another thing that this man is depriving my son of.

Does anybody think he realizes how stupid he's being?

I find myself feeling comfortable, feeling happy, and sometimes it scares me. I haven't felt content in so long that there are times that wonder when the other shoe is going to drop. I keep reminding myself that it's not. That I am in control of my life now, and that I am allowed to be happy.

I look back at the past year and my only regret is that I wasted so much time feeling crappy. I wasted so much time arguing with Levi, worrying about how his absence will affect my son and being so afraid of the future.

I wasted so much time being angry.

But not anymore.

I find myself smiling now, for no reason. I find myself enjoying my son, now more than ever.

I find myself moving forward, when at one point I really didn't think that was possible. I remember feeling as if I'd be running in that same circle the rest of my life.

I find myself making plans for the future and being excited.

And the oddest feeling, I find, is that I feel sorry for Levi. I really truly do. He has missed out on so much with his son, and the things that he's missed are things that he can never get back. First smiles, first food, first words, first steps — it's been a whole year of "firsts" around here. I find that I wish I could bottle it all up for him and save it, to give to him when he comes to his senses. Sadly, that's not possible.

So, it's a year later and as spring approachs, I too, find myself coming alive again.

Adrian has Levi's last name. Everywhere I go with him — OK not everywhere, but the doctor's, day care, etc. — they call me Mrs. G*****. It drives me crazy. It makes me feel ill.

Levi called me a few weeks ago, and I simply told him that for "practical purposes", we'd have to change Adrian's last name to mine. I cited reasons like the insurance company and such. He said, "OK, send me the paperwork." I did send it to him, but I didn't get my hopes up. I think we all can agree at this point that he's pretty unreliable, which puts it lightly.

So, you can imagine my surprise when I get the paperwork back in the mail signed and notarized. Adrian has a new last name. Adrian has my last name. I was so excited, I was shaking.

I have been doing everything possible to distance myself from Levi, and this is just one more thing to add to the list.

In other updates — Levi and I haven't been speaking really at all, and when we do its for thirty seconds or less and I don't get emotional.

I have decided not to let Erica see Adrian. She blew me off twice and I consider her to be inconsiderate, unreliable and disrespectful. I've decided that if she doesn't have respect for me, why would I want her spending time with my son? I don't.

You know, its funny. I've felt this way all along. I should have listened to my gut. Why is that so hard to do? It took a lot of practice to disengage completely from that family, but we've done it, and I couldn't be happier.