It's a taboo subject in our culture: Married women, who dislike -- even hate -- having sex with their husbands.
It's a subject usually held in silence, behind embarrassment, confusion, sometimes even apathy. It's consoled with inner placations, like "There's more important things in a marriage than sex", or "This is just a phase" or "My attraction will increase when the kids are older."
But at the back of minds, a thought lingers: What if this is forever? What if I'm abnormal? What would outsiders think if they knew the truth about "us"?
I am about to become a divorced woman. Divorced. I may have entertained that idea at some point during the 6 years I spent with the man I married thinking I would die with or die for. But never thought it would become a reality.
What does that really mean? That I failed? That I could not be a “good wife” or a good companion? That I was not able to keep that man in love with me for more than a few years?
Or does it mean that I married the wrong guy? Maybe we were both
I am about to become a divorced woman. Divorced. I may have entertained that idea at some point during the 6 years I spent with the man I married thinking I would die with or die for. But never thought it would become a reality.
What does that really mean? That I failed? That I could not be a “good wife” or a good companion? That I was not able to keep that man in love with me for more than a few years?
I watch way too many romantic comedies. But I love them. The boy always gets the girl, the dialogue is deeply heartfelt and letter perfect, and everyone lives in great apartments they obviously can’t afford.
I wish I could stop watching them but I can’t. I think I might have a problem. There is no 12 step program for this, I’ve checked. But if there were, I’d qualify by saying “Hi. My name is Rachel and I’m a romantic comedy addict. I am powerless over the belief that Prince Charming is on his way and probably just got held up in traffic”.
Predictably, I cry at the end of every one of these movies because love has won the day like it’s friggin’ supposed to and that really chokes me up. But as happy and gratified as I am for the fictional characters I have grown to understand and love, in under two hours, the tears I shed are more a product of self pity than altruistic joy. Why, oh why, I ask the universe, isn’t that me falling in love with an irascible yet genuinely adorable man with perpetual five-o’clock shadow and a strong-yet-tender heart? When oh when will my prince come to call?
To put it bluntly, when it comes to your own emotional and personal challenges with your divorce, the truth is all your firm cares about is if you do the job you were hired to do. Although this may be hard to hear, your firm does not owe you anything, as most companies expect their employees to leave their personal issues at home.
Further, no matter how evolved your workplace may be, most working environments are not equipped to handle an employee's personal issues. And unfortunately, divorce is a personal issue, and HR departments are often unsympathetic and do not offer adequate support (certainly in the cases I have seen and experienced).
(I wrote the following blog two months after my Ex-husband left me for one of my best friends. While my life looks amazingly different nearly four years later, I hope many of you can relate, or perhaps find comfort in this article.)
It’s been almost two months since I’ve become single; although, technically I’m not single. Legally, I’m still married. Emotionally, physically and in every other way, I’m divorced. The day my ex left was the day my marriage ended.
I never had the opportunity to actually be single before. I met my ex in high school when I was 15. Aside from a 12 month break up, we had been together until I was 35.
Since becoming single, I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned so many life lessons, that I feel like I’ve lived two years, and not two months.
Time has crawled by with its daily pokes and prods, loneliness, fear, anger, resentment, and yes, even joys.
Week 4 - A little crying. A lot of anger. Onset of loneliness.
Rinse. Repeat. That's pretty how much it went down for me. It wasn't fun at all. And it lasted for 6 months.
Part of surviving the loneliness associated with divorce is plain old endurance — realizing that this is a stage which will help. Even in the midst of it all, you need to remember that there will come a day when this overwhelming grief, anger, loneliness, and all the rest will go away.
I’m lonely tonight and I miss him. Well, not him exactly. It’s more like I miss the thought of him. The good him, the man I married with my heart a-flutter. The man who always made me feel safe, until he didn’t and it all went south with us. But still… I am lonely. And tired.
There is so much to do around this 100 year-old house we bought together. We both thought that restoring it would save our floundering marriage, kind of the same impulse people have when they think that having a baby will bring them back to the loving place, but without the diapers and midnight feedings.
